My husband and I used to have our little traditions and routines.  On a Saturday we would attend the 4:00 p.m. Church service, being Catholic, and we would usually come right back and it would be the usual hot dogs & beans & fried potatos & brown bread. Once in a while when he wasn't feeling all that well and I would go to Mass by myself and come back and I would then make our supper.  On a very rare occasion when he wasn't ready, being very tired, and I would go to Mass by myself and come back and he would have it all made already and he served me.  He would always be the one to make the coffee because everyone in the family knew he made it the best and would hand me some kind of dessert to go with it as we sat in front of the TV together.  I have been coming home now more than a hundred times since he passed and I would be depressed and melancholy and sad.  Today I came in and visualized him at the stove right before I opened 'our' door and burst into tears.  The memories really sting me like a knife.  I cried for about an hour, and I know these memories will always bring tears, it's like a constant internal waterfall and they only come out on an occasion such as this.  Last month I was so close to getting an antidepressant.  It probably would help but I think to myself, what difference would it make now.  It's been over a year and there's no pill in the world that will bring him back.  No offense to anyone but I also really don't understand others who say that they remember their loved one and smile.  I truly believe that will never happen for me.  I am so very depressed and I just wanted to let you all know I feel what you feel,...still.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Connie,

It's good to hear that you got through the time you had with your family.  Maybe that's the answer.  We probably need to be with others.  But I really shouldn't give advice because I have been feeling much the same way and I purposely isolate.  But lately I have been able to go to daily church because of it being Lent and a few times during the week I have to go out, once a week I go to see my counselor.  I am so sorry you are feeling sad.  That's what I meant when I wrote this post.  I just don't know what else I can write about.  I get it, I wish I didn't get it, but I do.  There are so many new members and I feel sorrow for everyone so all I can do is pray for everyone which I do.  That's one of the constants in my life.  It's one of the only things that gets me up out of the bed.  But, every step I can, everywhere I turn, no matter what I say, think, read, there's a memory of Danny even when I am not doing anything, an old memory pops in my head.  It's almost too much.  For myself, I have always heard that we each have our own timeframe for grief.  It's kind of funny, whenever anyone becomes widowed and this means me too, that we're an expert.  I pray you have some peace somehow. 

God bless,

Suzanne

Hi Suzanne,  Being with others is great until they have to leave too and then you are ALONE again and the pain hits you and there is not much you can do about it.  Oh, Suzanne, I so wish our lives could be different.  I had a discussion with my daughter today because she is worried about me taking the anti-depressants and sleeping pills.  She does not understand!!!  Then she says since they don't always work for me anyway, why not stop taking them.  She is worried that I am going to take too much.  I do not take them any time other than when the doctor prescribed.  He has now changed the anti-depressant to the morning and two sleeping pills at night.  I did this yesterday and last night I could not go to sleep until 5:30 this morning.    The kids just do not understand.  Unfortunately, until they walk in our shoes they will not understand.   Now I can understand why things were so difficult for my Dad after my Mom passed.  He was never the same afterwards.  I know why now.  I don't know what to do about the girls worrying about me.  I try to tell them "walk in my shoes for one day and then you will understand."  I am going through a really difficult time now.  It seems as though it has gotten worse for me and not better.  Somehow, someway we will go on and only we will know the pain that we are feeling and living with.  I just don't know how I am going to do it.

Hi Connie,

I have been saying the very same thing myself every single day that I don't know how I am going to do it.  I hate this life without him, but at the same time I am aware and am thankful for God's blessings as well but it doesn't seem to change how I feel.  Every moment is an eternity.  I also realized going through this grief how my own Mother and how Dan's Mother felt when our Dads passed away.  I was kind of clueless.  I never knew until now what emotional pain they felt and they didn't have a computer and bereavement meetings and others who understood.  They had family, but there were major issues going on, so I guess things went downhill after my Dad passed in 1996 with my husband's Father dieing only 2 months after.  My Mother lived until March 25th of 2009 in which Danny went to her wake with me which was the last event we went to together even though there were other family funerals.  His Mother lived for 5 years after his Father passed.  Now I really know the deep emotional pain, and no one can really know unless they go through it themselves.  I found out today that my brother has just 2 weeks to live.  He is in another state and I will be unable to attend the wake and funeral due to my financial situation, so it's just a waiting time for me to get the call.  I can't believe this is happening.  I'm still in shock from the loss of my own husband.  I always liked to tell others I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, but in a short time, the composition of our family will drastically change once again.  You must do what you feel is right for you and try not to stress over what the issues that drive your loved ones.  You know you are taking the medication in the right way.  We really need added help during these times.  I'm still wondering if an antidepressant would help me.  We each have to decide for ourselves.  As I've heard so many times, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  You are in my prayers.  ((Hugs))

God bless,

Suzanne

Suzanne,I am so sorry to hear about your brother and very sad you aren't able to see him before or after. I know it will be difficult for you and I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs

Suzanne said:

Hi Connie,

I have been saying the very same thing myself every single day that I don't know how I am going to do it.  I hate this life without him, but at the same time I am aware and am thankful for God's blessings as well but it doesn't seem to change how I feel.  Every moment is an eternity.  I also realized going through this grief how my own Mother and how Dan's Mother felt when our Dads passed away.  I was kind of clueless.  I never knew until now what emotional pain they felt and they didn't have a computer and bereavement meetings and others who understood.  They had family, but there were major issues going on, so I guess things went downhill after my Dad passed in 1996 with my husband's Father dieing only 2 months after.  My Mother lived until March 25th of 2009 in which Danny went to her wake with me which was the last event we went to together even though there were other family funerals.  His Mother lived for 5 years after his Father passed.  Now I really know the deep emotional pain, and no one can really know unless they go through it themselves.  I found out today that my brother has just 2 weeks to live.  He is in another state and I will be unable to attend the wake and funeral due to my financial situation, so it's just a waiting time for me to get the call.  I can't believe this is happening.  I'm still in shock from the loss of my own husband.  I always liked to tell others I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, but in a short time, the composition of our family will drastically change once again.  You must do what you feel is right for you and try not to stress over what the issues that drive your loved ones.  You know you are taking the medication in the right way.  We really need added help during these times.  I'm still wondering if an antidepressant would help me.  We each have to decide for ourselves.  As I've heard so many times, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  You are in my prayers.  ((Hugs))

God bless,

Suzanne

Suzanne, so sorry about your brother. It is so tough to face these family heartaches alone without that comforting shoulder to cry on. I felt that when my dad passed 3 weeks ago and now I have a brother with cancer so know the anguish you are feeling. Know that we have our arms wrapped around you in love and prayers. Lots of hugs, hugs are good..
Suzanne, so sorry about your brother. It is so tough to face these family heartaches alone without that comforting shoulder to cry on. I felt that when my dad passed 3 weeks ago and now I have a brother with cancer so know the anguish you are feeling. Know that we have our arms wrapped around you in love and prayers. Lots of hugs, hugs are good..
Suzanne and Kathy, I am so sorry to hear of your brothers. So far,i haven't had to deal with a terminal illness of a sibling. I lost my father to cancer many years ago. The loss was difficult, but not like the loss of Dave. It has been almost four months now, and I am preparing to move. It is so hard to do anything. I sit at the table, watching the birds at the feeder, and all I want to do is curl up with a book and let life pass me by. Guess I will find the strength to do this, but..... I have such mixed emotions about this. I want to stay here, but I can't. There is so much to do, and I don't know where to start. I need help with this, and don't know who or how to ask. My private life has become reading posts here, and facebook posts. Hugs to all. Hugs ARE good!!
Maggie I'm so sorry, moving so close to loosing your husband must be heart renching. You can't do it alone and as hard as it is to ask you need the help so please ask,wether it's family or church members or maybe neighbers,I'm sure they would be there for you. I know it's diffucult,I am so blessed to not have the hardships so many here have had and can't imanage the pain of loosing what you had on top of loosing your loved ones. I wish I could be there to give you a hand but I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs

Maggie Poxson said:
Suzanne and Kathy, I am so sorry to hear of your brothers. So far,i haven't had to deal with a terminal illness of a sibling. I lost my father to cancer many years ago. The loss was difficult, but not like the loss of Dave. It has been almost four months now, and I am preparing to move. It is so hard to do anything. I sit at the table, watching the birds at the feeder, and all I want to do is curl up with a book and let life pass me by. Guess I will find the strength to do this, but..... I have such mixed emotions about this. I want to stay here, but I can't. There is so much to do, and I don't know where to start. I need help with this, and don't know who or how to ask. My private life has become reading posts here, and facebook posts. Hugs to all. Hugs ARE good!!

Virginia, Kathy K, and Maggie,

Thank you so much for your support at this difficult time.  It means so much to me.  I know we are all going through so much, and it does help to know there are friends who really understand.  Hugs to you all.

God bless,

Suzanne

Connie, I feel your pain.  I started antidepressants 6 weeks ago, I think, as I hit rock bottom, when I lost both my husband and mum in the space of 8 months. I was crying everywhere, dont know where all those tears came from.  The doctor changed the first lot, as I was still feeling the same, to another brand, and I am settling down. I have stopped crying, all of a sudden.  I do still think of my soulmate, but I am not feeling the pain so much, as before, I thought I was having heart attacks, everynight with all that crying.  I do still feel lost and alone, I am doing things again, slowly each day. The only thing I wish for now, is if I can dream of him, just to say goodbye, as I wasnt at the hospital when he died.  He waited for us to go, and one hour later the hospital called us back, to say he is on life support, but I knew he had gone already. I still cant believe I wont see him again, too many memories.  It will be 9months on the 27 of this month, just seems unreal.  I will never forget my first christmas day, I sobbed, all the way, when we reached the cemetery gates, to his resting place, my son didnt know what to do.

and then his birthday, it all sux. However, I am happy I gave in to the doctor, and started this medication, it is helping me somewhat, and beginning to think omg, I am forgetting all that sadness, I need to feel.  I dont want to go there again.  So I am going to keep on the meds, until I feel stronger, and the doctor, will gradually ween me off them. I do go for counseling, that has been good, as I can talk about my feelings in confidence, whereas others are scared, to mention him or mum. And I want to talk. So hopefully, I am going to get stronger, then I will be able to look at their photos again, not there yet.  Only when I have company, isnt that weird. I am still angry at people, thinking I should be over it, it will even be worse now as I stopped the tears, but the feeling of loss is still there. Have you tried asking your doctor, to change your meds, to something else, seeing you are feeling so down. Sometimes it takes a few changes, till you get the right one. God bless, and a big hug.

Connie said:

Oh Suzanne,  I remember my husband and it makes me cry even more because he is not with me anymore.  I thought the spring weather would make me feel better but I have been going through a really bad time lately.  I did have company for about 10 days and I did pretty well but then my niece and her husband left and my daughter went back to school and I am alone again and I can't stand it anymore.  I sit to watch tv and I look for him in his chair.  He isn't there and it hurts.  It hurts just as much and maybe even more than it did when he first left me.  I have been on an antidepressant for over a year and it doesn't help.  I am also on a sleeping pill and I still can't sleep.  Sometimes I go for days without sleeping.  Then I will have a few nights when I sleep well.  Nothing helps and nothing will help.  I just wait for the day when I am reunited with him.  I have been crying day and night.  Just thinking of him makes me miss him more and it makes me cry.  I know how you are feeling because I am feeling that way too.  Hope to talk with you soon.

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