I HATE this journey...

Hi everyone, I'm new on this site. Next Sunday will be 1 year since my husband died. He was diagnosed with leukemia and sent to the hospital to start chemo that very day. Exactly 4 weeks later he was gone. We were married for 31 years. I can't believe it's almost a year; it seems as if he just died.... I'm doing better than I was, but with this 1 year point coming, I am not doing well at all. Like I had read from someone, people just don't get it unless they have walked in our shoes. I hate the "new" me. I hate being a "widow". The loneliness is unbearable. I have a daughter whom I am very close to, but she has her husband and 3 children to keep her comforted. (which I am so happy that she has). I miss the chit chat and even the bickering that all couples have. I miss the touch of him. I know that there isn't any timeline for grieving, but I always wonder when or if I will ever feel human again. This is a journey too many of us are taking and it sucks. I just had to get these things off my chest. Thank you, who ever reads this, for taking the time to do so......

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Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on April 2, 2012 at 2:25am

Carol, your timeline was even shorter than mine. I am so very sorry for your loss, this is an awsome group and I simply adore these people of such strength and courage. Please feel free to vent, scream or what ever you need we will be here for you as you endure this horrific journey. Much love and hugs Julie

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 2, 2012 at 3:01am

Thanks Julie. I need this so badly. Sometimes I just want to scream.... Looks as if I've found the right place to find friends who are going through the same journey as I am, and for that I am so grateful.....

Permalink Reply by Gail Evans on April 2, 2012 at 9:02am

Dear Carol - I am so sorry for your loss. I am only 5 weeks into this journey and also hate being on it. My beloved partner, Jean, was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer on July 28th and died exactly 7 months later. I have only been part of this group for a few days but it has already been enormously helpful - both hearing others' experiences and being able to write down my thoughts and feelings. I hope you find at least a small measure of comfort. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers in this difficult, upcoming week. Gail

Permalink Reply by Tatjana Kowand on April 2, 2012 at 9:18am

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Carol...I think we all understand your feelings and I send you a BIG HUG!!!!

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 2, 2012 at 9:21am

Hi Gail,

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Glad to know that you find this site so helpful. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. It's very comforting hearing from others who are also on this journey. I've been up for 24 hours.I just couldn't sleep at all last night. I sure hope this doesn't happen all week.... It's amazing how many aspects of my life has changed, as I'm sure you know first hand.I'm so glad that you responded to my post and I wish you better tomorrows.....

Carol

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 2, 2012 at 9:33am

Tatjana, thanks so much for your hug. It means a lot to me. Sorry that you also must be grieving for someone. I wish you better tomorrows....

Permalink Reply by Gail Evans on April 2, 2012 at 9:34am

Thank you, Carol, and many blessings and hugs to you for peace and sleep.
Gail

CAROL COONS said:

Hi Gail,

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Glad to know that you find this site so helpful. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and prayers. It's very comforting hearing from others who are also on this journey. I've been up for 24 hours.I just couldn't sleep at all last night. I sure hope this doesn't happen all week.... It's amazing how many aspects of my life has changed, as I'm sure you know first hand.I'm so glad that you responded to my post and I wish you better tomorrows.....

Carol

Permalink Reply by debra l. johnson on April 2, 2012 at 6:35pm

Hi Carol! My Name is debbie & Iam So Sorry you are on this site! My First Late husband died of Cancer also it took 9 month's! And He has Been Gone now 16 yr.s ! We were married for 23 yr.s But Now I Just Lost My second husband, of a Heart attack, one minute he was here & the next he was gone! & I could'nt save him! I Have 3 grown daughter's by my first husband & they have husband's & kid's! So I Know how you feel! Curt has been gone now 1yr & 5 mon.'s Every thing change's Iam not anyone's wife, there is no we, just me. And I hate the word Widow! And Iam still having trouble! I dont know if there is a time line? Iam Not Sure if I can ever be Normal? But, Iam Praying That There can be? Iam 57, on a fixed income & I Have Never been alone since I was 17.i never payed the bill's, I used to work up untill about 5 yr.s ago, till I got sick! Now iam just stressing everyday! I Cant eat, & when I do I start thinking OMG. Did I pay This bill, or that bill & I will Puke! I Know Iam not saying the right word's that will help you go on! And Iam Truly Sorry! Everyone say's it will get better? and Iam sure they are right! But There a lady on here her name is Vee! She is Very sweet an understanding, & Usualy Iam Too! But I guess today is just one of my bad day's!

Permalink Reply by CAROL COONS on April 2, 2012 at 9:06pm

Hi Debbie,

Please don't apologize for saying what's on your mind. These are your feelings and you have every right to express them, just as I did. Sometimes just typing out what's on my mind relieves some of my pent up emotions. I'm a year older than you. I had to retire from my part time school job due to the depression that has overcame me. We were nice and comfortable financially, and now I'm poor. I always took care of the money matters, so that's not an issue with me. Kenny was a handyman and I miss that too. Even simple things like unscrewing a tight lid has left me crazy. I was so used to just bringing the item over to Kenny to help me. I can't eat either and have lost weight, which I can't afford to do. If I don't force myself to actively try to consume something, I would be fine sitting here and drinking tea all day, just like an old lady... I'm sure hoping that next week will be better for me. I have taken a deep plunge and feel like I'm drowning, but looking forward to coming up for air real soon. I guess this too will pass.... the sooner the better.... Wishing you a better tomorrow....

Permalink Reply by debra l. johnson on April 2, 2012 at 10:03pm

Thank You Carol! I Wasnt alway's like this! My First Late Husband had a Lot of health problem's But I was the only one working for year's, so I was carring the Ins. & Then I called him one day @ lunch & he told me he had a really bad headache! So I just told him to darken the bedroom & I call the dr. got a appt. came home picked him up, took him to the Dr. he ask Joe if this was the worst headache he had ever had & it was so they told me to take him to the hospital! & I Had to take him to 2 & They did a cat scan & came out a told me that The Cancer had spread to his brain!We have 3 daughter's and he got to walk our middle daughter the Isle! He had no hair & was very very pale But he was as Beatiful as our Daughter ! and our youngest daughter, help the most to take care of her dad! So he lived for 9 month's & i had to work up to the last 3-4 week's of his life! It was Awful! Cancer is a gastly way to die! And The Chemo & other Medicine was awful, @ one point he thought I was trying to posion him! & Wouldn't eat or drink anything I touched! Someone else has to taste it first! It Broke My Heart! our youngest was 15 @ the time! & A Big Daddy's Girl! She was awesome taking care of her dad! And The day he died our middle daughter found our she was pregant with her first child! I cant go on anymore tonight! & That was Just about Joe My first Late husband! Thank You For letting me get this off my chest! Hug's & Prayer's ...... Till The Next Time!......Debbie

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on April 2, 2012 at 11:25pm

Deb, hugs for a better day...

Permalink Reply by Shannon on April 3, 2012 at 6:44am

Carol, I too am on this journey 13 weeks and 2 days to be exact. I lost the love of my life due to a massive heart attack at the young age of 39. Now here I am 38 alone to raise a 17 year old by myself. I too have never had to carry the finical part on my shoulders he made enough to pay our bills and mine was spending so we did just that spent every week. I have an excel sheet that has every bill for the month on it and I check off each month I pay them so I don't forget, if anyone would like I can send them a blank format it may help I know our minds are not in the right places now and things are easily forgotten. Because we never saved and spent like we did when Mike passed away I had .25 in our bank account honestly if it wasn't for his youngest brother I don't know how I would have started the funeral arrangments and thankfully my boss gave me 3000.00 to help. Funny for once in my life I have a savings cause I'm to scared to spend now with 1/2 the income.

I seen someone mention Vee they are right her and I have bonded as she is one week after me when she lost her love on the same day, we think the same way. She is an amazing person very strong and she has helped me tremendously, she is strong when I am weak and helps me and I do the same for her. So please look her up she is truly amazing.

I too have been in a very very dark place longer than I'm used to, I have to confess I'm getting a bit worried, my husbands mother has very bad depression to the point she is unable to function, I do not want to end up like that so I'm trying everything to get out of this funk.

You found an amazing site, I do believe God led me to this site as I joined within the 1st week of losing Mike, I have met many amazing men and woman on here and they all have helped me a lot. NO ONE and I mean no one will ever judge you for the way your feeling in fact there is always someone who has already made it to the point you are now and can offer their help. I love each and everyone on this site, their strength, their in site and their help has helped me to get a bit stronger each day.

May God Bless you in this awful journey and I pray for you to find some kind of new normal - which I still am not sure what that is. Many hugs Shannon