I HATE this journey...

Hi everyone, I'm new on this site. Next Sunday will be 1 year since my husband died. He was diagnosed with leukemia and sent to the hospital to start chemo that very day. Exactly 4 weeks later he was gone. We were married for 31 years. I can't believe it's almost a year; it seems as if he just died.... I'm doing better than I was, but with this 1 year point coming, I am not doing well at all. Like I had read from someone, people just don't get it unless they have walked in our shoes. I hate the "new" me. I hate being a "widow". The loneliness is unbearable. I have a daughter whom I am very close to, but she has her husband and 3 children to keep her comforted. (which I am so happy that she has). I miss the chit chat and even the bickering that all couples have. I miss the touch of him. I know that there isn't any timeline for grieving, but I always wonder when or if I will ever feel human again. This is a journey too many of us are taking and it sucks. I just had to get these things off my chest. Thank you, who ever reads this, for taking the time to do so......

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Permalink Reply by janeo on July 21, 2012 at 2:23am

Carol, I'm so sorry for your loss and pain but I'm glad you can write and express yourself believe it or not it helps keep writing and we will keep listening.

Permalink Reply by Melinda Ellen Guinn on July 26, 2012 at 6:40pm

Time is a great healer, it softens the hurt, pain, aches, tears. I have a daughter, my only child, whom I'm very close to. In fact I moved to NV after she did, to be closer to my just turned 30 yr old Baby-girl. I was in shock and cussed out the deputy that called me on the phone at 6:30 in the morning and informed me, oh so coldly, that "Candace Rae Watson is dead" I called and complained about him after my senses were in focus, after about a month! I KNOW the Lord took Candace to a better place. I won't understand until I'm there. I trust the decision.Still, Candace is on my mind 24/7!! She's my LIFE! Now what am I supposed to do w/myself? I'm disabled and live alone. All I do is think sbout my daughter. If only I would've moved w/her when she asked me to, she'd be alive! My room-mate said I couldn't come back though, and I'm not from this state! Lord take care of Candace!!

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on August 2, 2012 at 3:43pm

Hi Carol ...

How are you doing? I understand completely how you feel as I feel the same as you do. It has just been over a year (April 27) that my dear Ernie passed away and I miss him so much (yes, even the odd bit of bickering.) I don't like being a widow much either and although I am doing a wee bit better right now (not put one pound on even though I am eating well) and that bothers me. I am slowly becoming more active. I must have the cleanest house on the block; see my family (which is very small) friends and neighbors have been wonderful so I try to see those blessings. I have to admit that I dislike long weekends and here is one coming up right now. It is lonely and I suppose many of never realize just how much time we have spent with our spouse whether one goes away on a long weekend or stays home. I either have the TV on or the radio just so there is some noise in the house. My two dogs are a true blessing and I go dog walking every evening with my girlfriend.

Please let me know how you are doing because I do care about you and others on here.

Hugs

Marcy