I know everyone here is still going through so much grief and I am sorry for everyone and I feel your pain.  I have been wanting to post but haven't gotten the chance until now.  As I said in my last post I went out with some close family members and we had a very uplifting spiritual experience after which we talked for hours because we were temporarily high on life.  The next day I had long telephone conversations which didn't seem to end but it was cathartic as I was talking about so many things.  The next day my sister took me with her friend to my childhood camp which was an open house day and there was music and everyone there were so friendly (it was good as most of them didn't know me and that I had been recently widowed) and it was upbeat with many activities and much talking of which I was very much a participant, going on and on about our childhood camp experiences.  I actually got to be where I fantasized about being from when I was 6 to 11 years old.  Every summer the bus picked me & other kids up from the Neighborhood Center and took us to this camp 40 miles away from the city and I absolutely loved being there, swimming, kids activities and such that I have very fond memories of and I never ever thought I'd see the place again because I was told the camp was closed and only residents live there now in cottages and you can't swim in the lake anymore.  Even though it looked much smaller than I remembered, and the water was full of weeds I didn't care. I actually was in the log cabin where I sang "I Know A Place" by Petula Clark every summer on 'talent night' right in front of the fireplace which was still kept up and burning while I was there with my sister.  It's a long story but just the experience of reliving something I never thought would happen made me cry tears of joy.  I can't really explain the longing I had and my sister made it happen because she knows the people who are trying to revitalize the campgrounds site because they want to preserve the woods and the trails where famous people once walked who were inspired there who were philosophers, poets and authors.  The camp was opened and dedicated in June of 1937 so it has a history, the children who went there were in the hundreds from all the decades it was there and Amelia Earhart was the first camp counselor.  Well, anyway it was an adventure for me, let me tell ya, because I never ever normally leave my apartment, never mind the city.  Today I went with the Widow's group to go to lunch in which the person from the group when first meeting me said she would pick me up, so today it was to the Cheesecake Factory Restaurant. Up until a few months ago I never even heard of it before.  I don't know if anyone has heard of it but they have an excellent reputation for really good food around here and every kind of cheesecake imaginable and other desserts as the bakery is right there.  Dan's sister said I should, but I wasn't going to, but I figured why not, so I got the low-carb cheesecake with real strawberries.  I told them I was on a diet and a few of the other widows laughed so hard they had tears in their eyes.  Also, I wanted to thank you for your comforting replies about my feeling enlightened after receiving messages that Danny wanted to thank me for all the caring and love I gave him and that my time isn't up yet and since feeling closer to him I am not by any means all healed and recovered, I will always miss him and probably will have more crying and sad days but I wanted to tell you that I regret in my post that I said I wish he wasn't a memory that I could be brainwashed for the pain I felt.  I can delete it but I can't take it back.  So, every day I have been adding to my litany of prayers that I thank God for Danny and for him being in my life and every day I treasure all of our memories together.  I was so wrong about that and I have a sense of peace and joy knowing he will always be in my heart.   

God bless and (((HUGS))).  You are all in my prayers.  I pray everyone who has sorrow that their tears will be wiped away when we meet in heaven some day.

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Suzanne,

I am so glad your spirits have been lifted, I was worried about you. It is normal to be sad and grieve, we all do, but you were so down and depressed. Sure you will still have bad days, but I hope you will now have more good days along with it. It is really amazing what the power of positive thinking can do.
I have heard of the Cheesecake Factory, but I for one don't like cheesecake. Am I right thinking it is in Chicago? All though there may be more than one place. My sister and I are going to Chicago in November, and she had mentioned it to me as a place to go to, but I put the nix on that.
May you continue to have peace and comfort. Hugs to you also.
Suzanne, keep up the good work, you sound so good and it's nice.as far as you saying that, look at how everyone posted and was expressing their feelings. so thats what we need to do, try and comfort each other and offer our support and we may disagree with some things, and when we feel so overwhelmed with the pain and the lonelyness at least we know everyone here knows the feeling and are here for each other. and you voiced what many of us felt but just couldn't put it out there, so you did it for us and then we added our 2 cents lol. i am really happy for you, hugs
Mary,
In case you change your mind...
The name, Cheesecake factory, is deceiving. I thought the same thing...I really don't like cheesecake, I'm not interested in going, but our daughter wanted to go there for her college graduation dinner. We went to one on Long Island and the food was really good! They have a website, you can checkout the menu. Have fun in Chicago.

Mary said:
Suzanne,

I am so glad your spirits have been lifted, I was worried about you. It is normal to be sad and grieve, we all do, but you were so down and depressed. Sure you will still have bad days, but I hope you will now have more good days along with it. It is really amazing what the power of positive thinking can do.
I have heard of the Cheesecake Factory, but I for one don't like cheesecake. Am I right thinking it is in Chicago? All though there may be more than one place. My sister and I are going to Chicago in November, and she had mentioned it to me as a place to go to, but I put the nix on that.
May you continue to have peace and comfort. Hugs to you also.
Hi Suzanne,

You sound like a new person! It's so good to read how inspired you are feeling. I think we were all worried about how sad and depressed you were. Now is your time to be able to breathe a little bit. You sound lighter, as if the veil of sadness has been lifted.

I certainly understand how you feel. I almost felt guilty at first when I started feeling a little a better, but then I realized it's okay because Tom is by my side and wouldn't want me to cry forever. I still have some very ugly days, I'm sure I always will. I will never get over losing my Tom, but I like knowing that he will always be with me no matter what.

I am very happy for you...remember we are here to share in your highs and lows. Don't be sorry for sharing your deepest, darkest thoughts...that was then and you can't deny how you felt. Now, your getting to see things a new perspective.

Have a blessed day.
Hi Suzanne,
I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better. It gives me hope that there are going to be good days to come. I still feel that I could and should have done more for my husband than I did, although everyone says I did a wonderful job. Please don't let me dampen your spirits because I really am trying to get better. It is just hard at times.
Have a great and blessed day
Suzanne,

I am so proud of you. We are know you didn't really mean what you said about erasing his memory. However, since that posting I have noticed a huge change in you. You seem to have made tremendous progress in the healing process. Your getting out and trying to begin a new life. Your post are more positive and inspiring, and you seem to be on track. You go girl....

Nancy
It's only because I was open at the right place at the right time and ready for God to send His message through all of your prayers and support and that I know Danny is with me. I am so grateful for every single person here at legacy who has always been there for me in my times of despair and desperation and in listening to me. I pray to keep asking God for strength and that I will still always be here for others and all of you here. I promise to encourage everyone to find their own way and not tell anyone what happened in my experience will happen the same way for anyone else. I still know the deep pain of grief all of us feel and we have to learn for ourselves how we must live our own lives and find out for ourselves. I know we are all on different pages and I still have deep longing for the days when Danny was here. I just feel different somehow. I keep remembering that it wasn't that long ago for the depth of pain and sorrow that is still with me. I don't have all the answers, (I wish I did and could wave a magic wand that we could all have our loved ones back or have hope to go on.) I just know what's going on with me. I am just going with the flow and still am sad but I feel your pain. I can't forget it. I am so thankful that you are all still here that you are all helping one another. You are all in my prayers. (Hugs) and peace.
God bless,
Suzanne

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