I lost my love

I have no idea to what even say on here. I lost my love on 9/5. He went so fast. Even with being diagnosed with lung cancer over 16 months ago, he was fighting so hard to be one of the few in the percentage who survived. He so wanted to make it to 2 years. He had a son he wanted to start on a path before he had to leave us.

I found him late in life, when I was 41 and we were together until now and I'm 54. He is the only man I ever loved....had planned on us growing old together and waited until the day I could retire. Dale was 51 when he died. So young and he had so many things he wanted to do.

I feel so lost...so alone. I can't imagine living 20+ years without him.

I can't go places we went together because all I can think about is when we went there together.

I have to have the tv on constantly because I hate the quiet.

I'm currently on leave of absence from work, which I wish I had taken earlier, and he died 3 days later. I don't know whether it would be better to go back to work or not to keep my occupied.

I see no joy ahead....nothing to look forward to....it is just so quiet around here without him. It sucks being the one left behind.

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Permalink Reply by Nancey on December 28, 2010 at 7:03pm

Thank you Cindy. Yes, it does seem like we have a lot in common. I hope Dale is watching over me. Every night I ask God and Dale to watch over me because I am alone now.

I hope you are doing better. I agree with you, I go through the motions of life but don't enjoy it. I just can't seem to find joy in anything ahead.

Hopefully God or Dale will somehow show me the way. I don't seem to be doing so great on my own figuring it all out.

CINDY POWELL said:

nancey, just wanted to comment on something you said. i think all the time about how much better my husband would have handled my passing on first. he loved life so much i know he would have been sad but i also know he wouldnt have stopped living. i go through the motions of life but do not enjoy any of it. i pray that if i have to feel this way from now on GOD will take me soon. i have to believe that he will do what is best for me.i too, found my husband late in life at age 43 we were together for 12 years. i also thought we would be together alot longer than 12 yrs.my husband passed away a day and a half after i took my leave and i definantly wish i would have taken mine earlier. so i can relate to a lot of what you have said in your postings.i lost my husband in feb 2010, it will be 10months the day after christmas. i still am in so much pain.i havent posted this before but the other night when i was laying in bed trying to go to sleep and thinking about my sadness i believe i heard my husband say, I'M SORRY. i beleive if he is watching me he is seeing how much pain i am in.please post to me anytime, i feel we have alot in common.br/>

Nancey said:

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. Today is better, probably because I went back to work and didn't have time to think too much except about work.

One thing really jumped out at me when I was reading your replies:

"His pain was over and mine began."

We helped each other get through the diagnosis, his treatment and illness, and then he was gone, and he's not here to help me get through my pain.

I sometimes wonder how he would have handled things if our positions would have been reversed. I imagine he would have spent most of his time with his mom and dad and brother at their house. I can't help but think he would have handled things much better than I am. My mom and dad have both passed away and I have one brother, but he lives an hour away and has a family.

I know I will get through this, but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

I just hope he's looking down on me and watching over me. Then I wouldn't feel so alone.

Permalink Reply by Nancey on December 28, 2010 at 7:03pm

Thank you Cindy. Yes, it does seem like we have a lot in common. I hope Dale is watching over me. Every night I ask God and Dale to watch over me because I am alone now.

I hope you are doing better. I agree with you, I go through the motions of life but don't enjoy it. I just can't seem to find joy in anything ahead.

Hopefully God or Dale will somehow show me the way. I don't seem to be doing so great on my own figuring it all out.

CINDY POWELL said:

nancey, just wanted to comment on something you said. i think all the time about how much better my husband would have handled my passing on first. he loved life so much i know he would have been sad but i also know he wouldnt have stopped living. i go through the motions of life but do not enjoy any of it. i pray that if i have to feel this way from now on GOD will take me soon. i have to believe that he will do what is best for me.i too, found my husband late in life at age 43 we were together for 12 years. i also thought we would be together alot longer than 12 yrs.my husband passed away a day and a half after i took my leave and i definantly wish i would have taken mine earlier. so i can relate to a lot of what you have said in your postings.i lost my husband in feb 2010, it will be 10months the day after christmas. i still am in so much pain.i havent posted this before but the other night when i was laying in bed trying to go to sleep and thinking about my sadness i believe i heard my husband say, I'M SORRY. i beleive if he is watching me he is seeing how much pain i am in.please post to me anytime, i feel we have alot in common.br/>

Nancey said:

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. Today is better, probably because I went back to work and didn't have time to think too much except about work.

One thing really jumped out at me when I was reading your replies:

"His pain was over and mine began."

We helped each other get through the diagnosis, his treatment and illness, and then he was gone, and he's not here to help me get through my pain.

I sometimes wonder how he would have handled things if our positions would have been reversed. I imagine he would have spent most of his time with his mom and dad and brother at their house. I can't help but think he would have handled things much better than I am. My mom and dad have both passed away and I have one brother, but he lives an hour away and has a family.

I know I will get through this, but it's the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

I just hope he's looking down on me and watching over me. Then I wouldn't feel so alone.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on December 28, 2010 at 7:57pm

Yes Nancey it sucks! My Frank died on June 18th of cancer. We never had the "what if" talk because he was never going anywhere. When the doctor told him one week before he died that he had 3-6 months I thought he was going to hit the doctor. He jumped off that table and said " Ill be damned! I have a wife and 3 kids and Im not going anywhere! I dont care what you say!" I wish we had, had that talk because I told him it was OK to go and he died, he never told me it was OK and I feel like he is sad. I know that no matter what paradise he maybe in he doesnt want to be there. He wanted to be here and see his kids grow up! Im 46 years old...I have so many years ahead to be alone! I dont find joy in anything anymore and feel like a robot doing what I have to do to take care of my kids. I am so grateful for this site because no one else undertands what I feel. My family and friends think I am ready to be committed. Hang in there!

Permalink Reply by Nancey on July 24, 2011 at 9:10am

It's going to be a year soon since my Dale passed away. I dread that year anniversary, because I know once I make it a year, then its another and another and another without him.

I haven't gotten his headstone ordered because I am having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what I want to put on it. I wanted it to be there within a year after his death, but I can't seem to decide on what saying to put on it. Maybe because once it's there that's it and I want it to be just right. I feel kinda like I've let him down because I haven't gotten it yet. And when I start thinking about it, looking for perfect things to put on it, I end up getting depressed and crying. So I step away from it and try again another time.

I wanted to go to the mountains this summer, but I decided it's too soon to go to a place we went without him. It is a 10 hour drive and I'm afraid I would spend my time sad that he couldn't be there with me or just remember times we had gone before. I know I won't know until I try, but I can't seem to bring myself to try right now.

Permalink Reply by Rosemarie on July 24, 2011 at 12:29pm

Nancey, One of the things I did was wrap myself in my favorite blanket over my head like a coccoon and play a christian song called 'Breathe On Me', theres a part on there that says take me to your sanctuary. I had that song on repeat and eventually l felt peace. Also l never went to bed unless l was super TIRED still don't tossing time is thinking time and at night its usually worry time. Like some of the others l leave the tv on for noise. l got on this site and l also got in touch with a couple of ladies who l knew had recently become widows. l was home from work for at least a month, l feel l needed that. Going back was hard l asked a couple of my friends to tell the others l didn't want to (couldn't) talk about it. They were great, l'm glad l went back it was what was good for me. Be selfish do whats best for you whatever it takes for you to get through this short of harming yourself or others do it. HUGS GBU

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on August 13, 2011 at 9:21am

I loved your suggestion. I am going to check out the song you mentioned. Nancey I hope these days you are feeling a little better. I am 54 too it has been 9months since my husband passed away. God bless you and encourage you.

Rosemarie said:

Nancey, One of the things I did was wrap myself in my favorite blanket over my head like a coccoon and play a christian song called 'Breathe On Me', theres a part on there that says take me to your sanctuary. I had that song on repeat and eventually l felt peace. Also l never went to bed unless l was super TIRED still don't tossing time is thinking time and at night its usually worry time. Like some of the others l leave the tv on for noise. l got on this site and l also got in touch with a couple of ladies who l knew had recently become widows. l was home from work for at least a month, l feel l needed that. Going back was hard l asked a couple of my friends to tell the others l didn't want to (couldn't) talk about it. They were great, l'm glad l went back it was what was good for me. Be selfish do whats best for you whatever it takes for you to get through this short of harming yourself or others do it. HUGS GBU

Permalink Reply by Nancey on August 21, 2011 at 10:57pm

I haven't gotten the headstone ordered yet. I've made a vow to get it done before my vacation is over with. I will just have to "toughen" up and decide what to put on it.

That song is really beautiful, thanks for sharing.

"Fly" by Celine Dion is a beautiful one too.

Bless you all on your journeys.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 22, 2011 at 7:44am

Nancy,don't feel bad that you haven't done the headstone yet i was in the same situation and when i finally designed it about a year and a half after he passed.I didn't relize the cost, in my case everything i wanted on it was extra and the art work wound up costing more then the stone so here it is he's been gone 28 months and it's still not up they set the foundation and base now i must finish paying for it. As you said you want what you want because it will be there forever also ours is a double headstone for the both of us. I too feel bad it's been so long but you'll get it done when your ready. Hugs

Nancey said:

It's going to be a year soon since my Dale passed away. I dread that year anniversary, because I know once I make it a year, then its another and another and another without him.

I haven't gotten his headstone ordered because I am having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what I want to put on it. I wanted it to be there within a year after his death, but I can't seem to decide on what saying to put on it. Maybe because once it's there that's it and I want it to be just right. I feel kinda like I've let him down because I haven't gotten it yet. And when I start thinking about it, looking for perfect things to put on it, I end up getting depressed and crying. So I step away from it and try again another time.

I wanted to go to the mountains this summer, but I decided it's too soon to go to a place we went without him. It is a 10 hour drive and I'm afraid I would spend my time sad that he couldn't be there with me or just remember times we had gone before. I know I won't know until I try, but I can't seem to bring myself to try right now.

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on August 22, 2011 at 12:29pm

Nancy and Virginia, You both are right about making sure it is what you want, because you can not change it. I am so glad both of my sons were with me when I had to do that, otherwise I would probably have something I did not like because I just wanted to get out of there. My sons encouraged me to look through more books until we all found one that was Neal. Also for the words on the stone, they reminded me that their Daddy was not an ordinary person and neither am I (since it also has my name on it also), so the words have to fit. We talked for 2 days and came up with words that fit both Neal and I and I am so glad my sons were with me so I did not make a mistake I would regret.
Virginia said:

Nancy,don't feel bad that you haven't done the headstone yet i was in the same situation and when i finally designed it about a year and a half after he passed.I didn't relize the cost, in my case everything i wanted on it was extra and the art work wound up costing more then the stone so here it is he's been gone 28 months and it's still not up they set the foundation and base now i must finish paying for it. As you said you want what you want because it will be there forever also ours is a double headstone for the both of us. I too feel bad it's been so long but you'll get it done when your ready. Hugs

Nancey said:
It's going to be a year soon since my Dale passed away. I dread that year anniversary, because I know once I make it a year, then its another and another and another without him.

I haven't gotten his headstone ordered because I am having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what I want to put on it. I wanted it to be there within a year after his death, but I can't seem to decide on what saying to put on it. Maybe because once it's there that's it and I want it to be just right. I feel kinda like I've let him down because I haven't gotten it yet. And when I start thinking about it, looking for perfect things to put on it, I end up getting depressed and crying. So I step away from it and try again another time.

I wanted to go to the mountains this summer, but I decided it's too soon to go to a place we went without him. It is a 10 hour drive and I'm afraid I would spend my time sad that he couldn't be there with me or just remember times we had gone before. I know I won't know until I try, but I can't seem to bring myself to try right now.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on August 23, 2011 at 7:37am

Nancy, Dont feel bad about the stone you have to do it when your ready. I am really anal and obsessive and went for the stone three days after the funeral. I too wanted it to be perfect and that was my focus after I got over handling the funeral. I think that is how I deal and get through things. Anyway, our stone (I will be buried with Frank also) has both our pictures on it. At first it was only going to be his picture and a spot left for mine then my obsessive mind was thinking and I said to myself Oh my god if I day as an old person my kids would put a picture of me on it then and people will walk passed and say "oh how nice hes buried with his mother!" I couldnt have that!!!!! I told my kids it was important to me that I put a picture of the both of us together and although I got a couple of eye rolls they agreed, so now both of our pictures are on the headstone together and he was a huge Yankee and NY Giants fan and I put their logos on it. On the base is a line from our wedding song with 2 intertwined wedding rings with our anniversary date on it and it says "Frankie and Renee" . With so much of me on the stone I feel like part of me is there and he is not alone. I hope it helps you. I will upload a photo for you to see. I wish you all the best! 14 months for me now and its really no better. Im still waiting for him to come home.

Attachments:

Frankies Stone.jpg, 518 KB

Permalink Reply by Nancey on August 24, 2011 at 7:05pm

Renee...thanks for sharing the picture with me. It is really beautiful.

I didn't get the stone right away cos I felt like the funeral home was just trying to get me to spend more $ while they could. And I just didn't know what I wanted on it. I have found a nice local company that a relative used for a headstone that is much cheaper and no pressure put on me to get one.

I know Dale would be the first to tell me that it wouldn't matter to him what I got or even if I got anything at all. I just want people walking by to see he was more than just a name on a headstone, so much more to me.

Permalink Reply by Judy Kaan on October 10, 2011 at 7:55am

Nancey,

I too lost the love of my life, my soulmate - my everything. I waited 51 years to find my Justin. Never

thought I'd be writing about losing him. He was sick in the hospital for 2 months and was doing much

better and they were talking in a few days putting him into rehab facility. I need him so much.

November 4th would of been our 5th wedding anniversary.

He also was only 51 - why is he taken from me. It is so hard to be home - I can't sleep in my place yet. Been staying at my parents just to sleep - yesterday for the first time I went home. I also took a personal leave and regret that I didn't take a leave of absence before so that I would be with him. I wasn't there when he didn't make it - had respiratory failure - he fought so hard - but his body couldn't help him anymore. I still can't believe it.

We loved each other very much - he would always say "Noone will ever love you the way that I do."

I'm lost with out him - so I really understand what you are going through - I can't even open up all

the cards that I receive.