Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Audrey on September 19, 2010 at 9:52pm

I too am new to this as husband of almost 29 years died Aug 30 after being sick for several years. I also have to get back to work tomorrow morning as our only child son 21years old is senior in college and still needs my support.
I know that I can't write anything to help anyone else going thru this pain, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and hope that simple phrase might help.
My house is also too quiet, clean, no food to cook if I could think of something that sounded good. No dirty clothes to make a load with mine, no hand to hold the remote away from me, wanting part of the Sunday paper or scratch my back.
My husband was always studying something. He loved learning new things. I don't, I hate learning new things. Hate change. And now it is me learning to be ok being alone.

Permalink Reply by Nancey on September 19, 2010 at 10:27pm

Thanks Audrey. None of us are every alone are we? I hope tomorrow goes well for you, I plan on going back in a couple of weeks.

Audrey Derr said:

I too am new to this as husband of almost 29 years died Aug 30 after being sick for several years. I also have to get back to work tomorrow morning as our only child son 21years old is senior in college and still needs my support.
I know that I can't write anything to help anyone else going thru this pain, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and hope that simple phrase might help.
My house is also too quiet, clean, no food to cook if I could think of something that sounded good. No dirty clothes to make a load with mine, no hand to hold the remote away from me, wanting part of the Sunday paper or scratch my back.
My husband was always studying something. He loved learning new things. I don't, I hate learning new things. Hate change. And now it is me learning to be ok being alone.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Kelly on September 20, 2010 at 4:15am

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on 8/1 we met when I was right out of high school he had suffered some complications to diabietes but generally he seemed to be in fairly good health but died suddely of a lung and heart issue. (Who knew there was even an issue) I'm 46 he was 52. I have no kids at home and I don't see much of his daughter or the grandkids anymore.

I have felt the exact same way. I hate the idea of looking forward, I hate the quiet I too sleep with the tv & the light on. I was trying to plan on retiring early (because of the age difference) so that we could be together. We seemed like we did everything together. My sister would get made at times she would say we were joined at the hip. We loved each other so much we just wanted to be with each other all of the time. I am so greatful that I found that kind of love. I was the luckiest! I certainly know how you feel. Everything you said is so true.

I have found taht in time you do start adjusting, thats not to say it gets better you just learn to adjust. Just give yourself time and try to take things one day at a time.

With regards to work I did go back the following week. I'm not sure if it helped or not. I gave me something to fill my days 5 days a week but there was a lot of added stress as well. Take you time try not to make too many decisions to fast.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on September 20, 2010 at 7:00am

It does suck,Doesn't it?Whether you watch your spouse suffer a long term illness or sudden death,no one could prepare you for this.It sounds like you are doing every thing you can.And yet we still go to bed alone at night.This grief process is something you really can't prepare for.Be prepared for the crash,when all of those chores are done,and the complete overwhelming saddness and excrutiating pain kicks in.But you sound like you are on the right track.You're right the joy is gone.In our new roles,we have to find ourselves and discover what our new path is.I hope you find some peace.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on September 20, 2010 at 7:36am

Nancey, kathleen is so right when everything that needs to be done is over it will hit you hard I did everything right away and then bam like a ton of bricks you are hit with the realization that this is your life now, where we go from there depends on the person I guess. I am disabled and there are times I wished I could go to work just to have something to do then theres other times I'm glad I don't because I just don't have any energy to get dressed so I do what I have to and you are right about the tv if I didn't have that for the noise I think I'd go bunkers for sure and yes it does suck to be the one left behind, but I'm glad it's me and not him becauise where would he be, sick and in a nurseing home for sure because he has no family here to care for him and he would be there if he did, so for me even at almost 17 months it is still a roller coaster ride because I have no purpose in life now as it was taking care of him that was my life, I wish the best for everyone here . hugs

Permalink Reply by TINA GREER on September 20, 2010 at 8:08am

I understand how you feel. I lost my husband on July 5, 2010 suddenly to a heart attack. He was also 51. We had been together for 27 years. I know how it is to not want to do things that you did together! It has been 11 weeks today for me, and it still seems like yesterday. I too see no joy. I have children and grandchildren, and yes, they make me happy, but it is not the same. I have such an emptiness in my heart... I am shattered. Just know that we are all here for you.

Permalink Reply by bc on September 20, 2010 at 8:42am

Hi everyone, I know what you are feeling. I lost my Brad 13 months and 15 days ago. It is a lonely life but I told myself and Brad on the 1st anniversary of his death in August that after all of the good things he taught me and gave to me during our life together, the very least I could give him as a gift is to think positively. He never wanted me to be sad, he was my strength, but he gave me strength and during our life together, we spent every moment making each other happy, following our dreams and making them come true. So now I think of one positive thing every morning, something to do that would make him proud of me and make him happy. If I wouldn't have had Brad to love, then my life wouldn't have been anything. I have no regrets except that our time together was way too short. I've felt the same way as most of you who's grief is fresh, and its not that I don't miss Brad and I am lonely and I want to be with him, but I want him to be proud of me so that's my gift to him in thanks for every day we had together. It is hard, I still cry, swear and miss him every night, but I've found that by pushing myself every day to be positive makes me feel better about myself. It will never go away, you will never forget, but it will get easier to deal with. Stick on this site and you will see. God Bless all of you! Hugs everyday

Permalink Reply by Nancey on September 20, 2010 at 10:26am

I just don't see the point anymore. When I looked at a birthday, it was with the thought "one year closer to retirement". Things we planned to do together when I did retire.

I'm not suicidal, just don't see a reason to look forward to anything. Every goal/plan/desire whatever you want to call it died with him. All I see is emptiness and a life filled with just existing day to day.

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on September 20, 2010 at 10:34am

Nancey,
My Joe and I were together for 33 years and he left on Aug 17, 2010 without any warning at only 53 years old. We had so many plans now that our kids were out of the house and doing well on their own. Remember you have not lost your love for he will always be with you no matter where you are or what you do, let his love be with you when you try something new or go somewhere you both had talked about going. You are not shutting him out you are just doing things for the both of you now he's there listen and enjoying things thru you.
And by the way it does suck being the one left here alone. I am 52 years old and have never lived alone before now and there are nights I must admit that I don't care one way or the other what happens to me and then I think that would make Joe mad to know that I was thinking like that. He loved life so much and I know that he would want me to feel the same way. Know that you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal this site helped me learn that. Take time to get your head in order and don't try to do things yourself ask for help, take it from someone who didn't know how to do that it does help.

Permalink Reply by Nancey on September 20, 2010 at 1:25pm

Thank you to all of you who have shared with me your journey.

I know all the questions will one day stop...should we have gone to another doctor/hospital. Could I have done more? Should I have taken a leave of absence earlier?

I have an advantage over others as I had lived by myself before we met so I know what it's like.

Dale wasn't taken from me instantly so we had time to talk and and say the things we wanted to say...of course now I still find there are things I wish I had said to him when he was more alert and understanding. Trips I wish we had taken when we could.

I still don't know how long to take off from work....if it would be better to go back in a couple of weeks and take away from the loneliness of being here during the day....but I would still have to deal with the loneliness when I came home. And if I could indeed function at work....or if I would just want to go home and hide. I wish I had some answers.

I do know I need to get out of this house today. I haven't left for 4 days and I know that isn't good for me.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on September 20, 2010 at 2:10pm

Hi Nancey,

I am so sorry for your loss. It has been less than a month for you, so all your comments of emptiness I felt too in the first month. It does get a little easier, my love of my life has been gone almost five months. We were married 28 years, and we too planned on growing old together. I retired six weeks before my husband died, and I am just now looking for a least a parttime job to get my mind off of things. I think staying busy helps some, at least it makes you focus on something other than the tragedy of your loss. I have to say though, it may be difficult to go back to work so soon for you. Only you can decide if you are ready for that or not. I wasn't, I spend a lot time grieving and hypernating in my home. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do, but that is where I felt safe, and now after four and a half months, I have the courage to go out again, grocery, dentist, etc. I agree, leave the TV on even if you are not watching it, the voices help, and sometimes I put on the Radio and listen to the music just to have the sound. I agree it sucks being the one left behind, but we have our wonderful memories of them, and we take a day at a time. I feel there will be more and more joy as time goes on. I am getting so I smile when I see his photo, rather than cry. Life has change for us forever.

Take care Nancey,
Nancy S

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on September 20, 2010 at 2:20pm

Barb, you are so right. I tried everything to please my husband when we were married, and now I am trying to please him in death. He would want me to put my "big girl pants on", pick myself up, brush myself off, and get going. I am not saying that is what I am doing, but I try. My husband was happiest when he was laughing, he had the best sense of humor. So I try to find laughter in little things, and hope he is smiling with me.

Barb said:

Hi everyone, I know what you are feeling. I lost my Brad 13 months and 15 days ago. It is a lonely life but I told myself and Brad on the 1st anniversary of his death in August that after all of the good things he taught me and gave to me during our life together, the very least I could give him as a gift is to think positively. He never wanted me to be sad, he was my strength, but he gave me strength and during our life together, we spent every moment making each other happy, following our dreams and making them come true. So now I think of one positive thing every morning, something to do that would make him proud of me and make him happy. If I wouldn't have had Brad to love, then my life wouldn't have been anything. I have no regrets except that our time together was way too short. I've felt the same way as most of you who's grief is fresh, and its not that I don't miss Brad and I am lonely and I want to be with him, but I want him to be proud of me so that's my gift to him in thanks for every day we had together. It is hard, I still cry, swear and miss him every night, but I've found that by pushing myself every day to be positive makes me feel better about myself. It will never go away, you will never forget, but it will get easier to deal with. Stick on this site and you will see. God Bless all of you! Hugs everyday

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