I need some friends that have been through this.

I'm new here and hope I can navigate around. My husband was sick for a few years, finally he passed on; with me by his side in the loving care of Hospice (for the both of us.) I don't have any unresloved conflicts or things to forgive, or be forgiven of.

My husband passed loving me and me him. He even told a neighbor shortly before he passed- "I'll love her forever". When this neighbor told me it lifted my spirits so!

I still recall this man/neighbor telling me this with tears in his eyes. And he said John talked about me with love,as he once had to drive him to the VA hospital for and appt. when I couldn't. It will be three years June 15th and I just can't get used to him not being here with me. All my family is in NJ and it is impossible financially for me to go north except 'a visit' each year. I plan this time to go for a few months.

I love this home my husband and I shared. He had improvements

done before he was bedriden;and had such pride that after years in the military moving around the world and country;he had a HOUSE and grounds that were everything he ever wanted.

I thank God every day for what I have, and I thank my husband for the years of service that made it possible, and I thnk my government for the aid I've been given due to his agent orange exposure that may have contirbuted to his disease.

Something tells me I need to contact others in my boat so to speak. All my friends are married. I still feel married. Death has not taken that from me at least. A.B.

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Permalink Reply by Alanna Bellflower on May 7, 2011 at 11:48am

3-26-11 was not that long ago. Your pain is fresh and raw. I remember those days. One day at a time was a burden to go through. I felt so isolated from others. Young couples didn't trigger additional saddness,but those 'our' age did. Glaringly telling me I'll not have my husband by my side in the elder years.

Passing through grief and mourning is a journey. Different for everyone- yet the pain is the same I believe. Remembering my husband's request "Don't mourn for me long" one day stood out in my mind. Like he was asking me again. I wondered if somehow he knew I needed to hear it again.

If I had followed his wishes on the plan on what to do after he passed,surely I wanted to do this for him also.

John passed 6-15-08 and it was in this mid April 2011 that I felt the change. Gratitude flowed into my grief. Pictures in the livingroom and bedroom brought smiles not tears. Coming upon something he'd written on a note pad was a treasure.

Be patient. Be it sayings like:

Time Heals, or It Gets Better is only semantics. Words...strung together-and right now not meaning much.

Make a small effort to remember the very best of times with your loved one. Honor and cherish those times;as I believe those that have gone on are doing just that.

God Bless~Alanna

you said everything i went through in your first paragraph. only my husband was not in the military, that was another life with my first husband, but the love of my life passed 3-26-11,we had all the arragements made of what we both wanted, we had the greatest communition for the past year.i thought i could deal, but i am finding out i can't,or think i can't. i don't known what i'm doing half the time, i can't think clearly i can't think of the words i want to use, just everyday words ets.i just feel so empty inside, my heart hurts ,i feel waves of emotions crassing, i have terrible nightmares, i'm afraid to sleep. i am a wreck. i just really don't know what to do. i know time heals, bot...............

Permalink Reply by Sheila Johnson on May 17, 2011 at 8:40pm

Yours, especially yours, and sooooooo many posts are like my very own situation. I'm still married, too. I still feel married, too. I still wear my wedding ring and most likely always will. My married friends have pretty much all disappeared. I'm no longer a couple. I hope your married friends are still there for you. I kinda' understand my married friends disappearing but thought they were all friends of the TWO of us. I only come to this site occasionally because I ALWAYS cry when I do and I'm trying so hard to no cry so much. I have no "guilt" other than when I was told by his doctor, while my hubby was having his biopsy while he was in "Lu Lu Land", that I didn't have MORE "physical touching" at the end of his life. I understand anger is one of the processes of grief. I have not felt ANY anger and am glad that I have apparentle skipped that step. I think, when I got told the bad news, I immediately knew I "had to begin the process of letting him go". I was there, by his side, at home during his last 8 hours of life. He was totally mentally aware up until his last 3 breaths of life. This was a very first for me and I simply followed his lead as to "what to say or do". I hope I did good for him. When he squeezed my hand I knew I must have done o.k. and I knew why he did it..........another story. While watching The Royal Wedding there was a "clip" of Prince William's eulogy to his mom Princess Diana. He said his grandmother once said "Grief Is The Price We Pay For Love". For some reason the comment "stuck" with me as well as other comments I've heard. My hubby passed 17 months ago. I see yours passed almost 3 years ago. I'll more than likely be in the same place you are a year and a half from now. I hope you can make it to NJ for a few months. I made the BIG decision to relocate after MUCH thought. Has it helped??? NO!!! I'm just closer to family now and they won't have to travel far and "take care of me" if and when I'm unable to.

Permalink Reply by Sheila Johnson on May 17, 2011 at 8:40pm

Permalink Reply by Connie on May 18, 2011 at 10:41am

Alanna, Firstly, let me offer my sincere sympathy on your loss. I lost my husband of 46 years 18 months ago. My husband had a massive heart attack and age 44. He went into cardiac arrest three times that night but our doctor was able to bring him back and he had many good years after that. Approximately 15 years after the initial heart attack his health began to go down hill again and finally in 2000 he needed a heart transplant. He again had a few really good years. Then he began having problems and they got progressively worse. He had a few serious problems where we almost lost him. 5 weeks before he passed he went back into the hospital and began having more and more problems. He needed to be put on a ventilator and then required kidney dialysis. They sedated him heavily so that he would not become agitated with the ventilator. They were not able to get him off the ventilator and then developed an infection in his blood and they could not find an antibiotic that would kill the infection. Although, we knew that he was not getting better, I really did not believe that he would not be able to get well again. I am having trouble accepting the fact that he is gone. He was my first, last, and only love. We had a great marriage and I miss him terribly. Alanna, only people who are living through this nightmare can truly understand. I have become friends with several people on this site and I thank God for them everyday. So many people think that they know what you are feeling and think it's been long enough for your grieving. They don't know or understand at all! You need to do what you can do when you can do it. I wear my wedding ring all the time and my children know that when I pass, my ring stays on my finger. I buried my husband with his wedding ring on. They can have all my jewelry but not my wedding ring. I will always be married. I do not cry as much now as I did in the beginning but it hurts more every day since every day is one more day since I have been able to be near him, talk to him, touch his hand,..... I am sorry for rambling but I can tell you that this website is a tremendous help. I also live in NJ. Where in NJ is your family? I will remember you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Jeanette Kilpatrick on May 27, 2011 at 7:38pm

I will always feel married too. I wear my rings and do not take them off. After almost 62 years, I can't imagine anyone taking my husband's place. He has been gone almost 2 years now and I miss him more than before. We married real young and I don't pretend we didn't have problems, but we worked through them. He died in my arms. All I could say to him when the time came was that I would be ok and he would too. I said everything will be ok. He fought so hard to live but he had suffered for such a long time. It was time for him to be at rest. He had COPD and cancer of the lymph node and I truly think it had spread all over his body. He is not suffering any more.