I still remember you all in my prayers and I wish I could do more.  I know how it is for you all to be going through sorrow.  For a short while last week I felt somewhat enlightened feeling God is working in my life and that I have a purpose.  But, being human, while waiting for God to call me and for Him to let me know what He would have me do, I still have thoughts of deep longing for my husband and there has not a day gone by that I didn't say that I still can't believe he's gone.  Living and being without him is torture and I can tell by others that I know you understand.   I got past the last day that we were intimate about a year ago, this is of a sensitive nature to me and I'd rather keep the actual day between he and I but it was a tremendous burden and now his birthday is coming up on 9/16 which is another day to be reckoned with, and somehow I got through my birthday, our Grandson's birthday, our daughter-in-law's birthday and our son's birthday.  Every year we were always close with them during August especially and it has been very hard which is why I haven't been posting much.  I really don't know how much more my heart can take.  But I know others have been experiencing far worse but the lonliness and emptiness and sadness is too great to keep to myself.  There are no easy solutions.  Regarding 1/22/2011, I am dreading that day that marks a year which will be here before I know it.  I will refuse to go out, I may even fast and pray that day, as I do not think of it as a celebration.  In fact I just have no interest in doing anything.  I do things to visit family when they invite me and spend time and talk and laugh, but then when I laugh I always remember he is not here with me any more.  Lately I have been laughing and crying at the same time when watching TV.  Has anyone ever had that happen?  I think I'll stop watching TV altogether.  Everything reminds me of him.  I don't know how to keep on, but somehow God is pushing me.  I just want to do nothing, I don't want to eat and that's unusual for an overeater.  Since last February I lost 60 pounds because  what I once enjoyed doesn't appeal to me any more and I no longer use the stove, what's the point in cooking for one.  I'm still waiting to be approved for an antidepressant but I don't know if that would help anyway, so I just keep going to bed alone and waking up alone and if I turn into someone who has accepted my husband's passing, it will only mean that my heart has turned to stone.  Well, thank you for allowing me to get my feelings out.  Peace and hugs to you all.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Suzanne, its amazing how we all share the burdens and the pain of our loss. I used to write longer messages at first but as each new member came on and posted their stories, my story of what we are going thru is identical. So its hard to reply when they are going thru the same thing. Its been over 16 months for me and I am not any better. I too, have lost weight. Over 37 pounds and counting, officially in 12 months. Who cares ? Certainly not me. I have no meaning or purpose to my existance since losing LouAnn. The empty days and lonely nights. I do offer my support to all of us, we all care,share and understand. We can vent here. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.
Hi Randolph,
I certainly can relate to not having anything new or different to say, but the pain remains the same. I think to anyone who can say to me well what would your husband say or how would he want me to be, this makes me wonder do people want me to be controlled by him in the afterlife? This makes no sense to me. To anyone who says to me, and I have some in mind from other grief sites, that they don't think anyone should project how they will feel in the future, I wonder what are they thinking? And these are widows themselves (which is what makes me think even some who are widowed don't understand). I would say to them I know how I will always think and feel, I don't think I believe, I know in my heart that I will always have the same thoughts that I will never have joy in my life again the same way that I will always have blue eyes, that I will always be caucasian and that I will always be of Irish descent. How could I have joy? or happiness? I still wonder how can we control these feelings? Last week I thought I could but I can't. I only have by the Grace of God temporary distractions when I am talking or visiting with family, or holding our baby granddaughter, or laughing which when I do turns to cries when I am by myself. There are some others who get it, but I feel understood here which is why I feel home here. I'm in much sadness, but I feel at home. Thanks for your reply, Randolph. I know you have been going through much difficulty and you are still in my prayers.
((Hugs)) to you and God bless,
Suzanne
suzanne,
i would like to share with you, that i feel like i am getting worse as the time progresses instead of better. i get lonelier by the day. i miss my husband more and more each day. i have lost at least 30 pounds and this has been since feb. 2010. my clothes are so baggy on me, but it is hard to eat when you are depressed. i know you and randolph can relate to that. i have decieded to check into some type of counseling. have you ever thought about it ? i never really felt like it has helped me in the past but i am so desperate i am willing to try anything. i just want this pain to stop so badly that i am starting to feel a little frightened of my feelings. can you relate to that? i have been told that anti depressants do help, so you might want to stay on top of your dr. to get that approval. i would be willing to try anything at this point just to feel better, because i dont know how much more i can take feeling like this.i dont know why this is hitting me so hard but i do have other issues that i am trying to deal with also. thanks for letting me vent and get my feelings out. my prayers are with you.please let me know if you ever start feeling better from taking antidepressants. thanks.
Suzanne & Cindy - Yes, our hearts are broken, our spirit is gone, we feel as though we are just existing. I know, after 13 months and one day I still feel it. Like you, I do have some moments when I am with family or friends where I can smile and laugh, but when the meltdown hits again it feels worse than before. I've seen counselors who say they understand, but they haven't been through this so I say to them, don't tell me it will get better because you don't know! I've been to grief support groups, I think I've finally found one where I fit in. Its a small group of ladies like myself who are lonely, sad and miss their best friends. We do alot of talking and it helps, try and find one. You might have to try a few different groups before you find the right one. I'm going to continue with this group for now. I have been on antidepressants since that horrible day, August 5, 2009 and at least they allow me to sleep and somehow get through the days. I know you don't want to hear it, but the only way I can have any positive days is to do it for Brad who gave so much to me and never wanted to see me sad. I'm really trying hard to have some good days between the meltdowns because I know he would be happy to see me smile even though I'm torn up inside. Broken hearts can never heal, but we can try and put a bandage on it to try and keep it together a little. Since I've tried to have some positive days, I've found that Brad comes to me briefly in some dreams once in awhile, he never did before. I hurt for you and everyone else on here, but we have no choice but to go on. "God only cries for the living because the living are left to carry on". That came from a song. If I can find the song, I will send it to you, until then, all I can say is try and be strong and we will all help each other. Feel free to call me anytime: 414-852-3422 if you need to talk. Let the tears come, they are healing.

CINDY POWELL said:
suzanne,
i would like to share with you, that i feel like i am getting worse as the time progresses instead of better. i get lonelier by the day. i miss my husband more and more each day. i have lost at least 30 pounds and this has been since feb. 2010. my clothes are so baggy on me, but it is hard to eat when you are depressed. i know you and randolph can relate to that. i have decieded to check into some type of counseling. have you ever thought about it ? i never really felt like it has helped me in the past but i am so desperate i am willing to try anything. i just want this pain to stop so badly that i am starting to feel a little frightened of my feelings. can you relate to that? i have been told that anti depressants do help, so you might want to stay on top of your dr. to get that approval. i would be willing to try anything at this point just to feel better, because i dont know how much more i can take feeling like this.i dont know why this is hitting me so hard but i do have other issues that i am trying to deal with also. thanks for letting me vent and get my feelings out. my prayers are with you.please let me know if you ever start feeling better from taking antidepressants. thanks.
Suzanne & Cindy - Yes, our hearts are broken, our spirit is gone, we feel as though we are just existing. I know, after 13 months and one day I still feel it. Like you, I do have some moments when I am with family or friends where I can smile and laugh, but when the meltdown hits again it feels worse than before. I've seen counselors who say they understand, but they haven't been through this so I say to them, don't tell me it will get better because you don't know! I've been to grief support groups, I think I've finally found one where I fit in. Its a small group of ladies like myself who are lonely, sad and miss their best friends. We do alot of talking and it helps, try and find one. You might have to try a few different groups before you find the right one. I'm going to continue with this group for now. I have been on antidepressants since that horrible day, August 5, 2009 and at least they allow me to sleep and somehow get through the days. I know you don't want to hear it, but the only way I can have any positive days is to do it for Brad who gave so much to me and never wanted to see me sad. I'm really trying hard to have some good days between the meltdowns because I know he would be happy to see me smile even though I'm torn up inside. Broken hearts can never heal, but we can try and put a bandage on it to try and keep it together a little. Since I've tried to have some positive days, I've found that Brad comes to me briefly in some dreams once in awhile, he never did before. I hurt for you and everyone else on here, but we have no choice but to go on. "God only cries for the living because the living are left to carry on". That came from a song. If I can find the song, I will send it to you, until then, all I can say is try and be strong and we will all help each other. Feel free to call me anytime: 414-852-3422 if you need to talk. Let the tears come, they are healing.

CINDY POWELL said:
suzanne,
i would like to share with you, that i feel like i am getting worse as the time progresses instead of better. i get lonelier by the day. i miss my husband more and more each day. i have lost at least 30 pounds and this has been since feb. 2010. my clothes are so baggy on me, but it is hard to eat when you are depressed. i know you and randolph can relate to that. i have decieded to check into some type of counseling. have you ever thought about it ? i never really felt like it has helped me in the past but i am so desperate i am willing to try anything. i just want this pain to stop so badly that i am starting to feel a little frightened of my feelings. can you relate to that? i have been told that anti depressants do help, so you might want to stay on top of your dr. to get that approval. i would be willing to try anything at this point just to feel better, because i dont know how much more i can take feeling like this.i dont know why this is hitting me so hard but i do have other issues that i am trying to deal with also. thanks for letting me vent and get my feelings out. my prayers are with you.please let me know if you ever start feeling better from taking antidepressants. thanks.
Hi Suzanne, I am going to try to respond for about the 15th time and the computers keep giving me trouble. Firstly, I am glad to see your post because I have been thinking of you and hoping that you were doing okay. Suzanne, I can accept the fact that you are not doing well because I feel very much the same as you, Randolph, and some others do. I know that my life is not a life anymore but simply an existance. I need to go through the motions of life but my heart is with my husband and it will not be happy again until I am by his side. I understand that we all must deal with our grief at our own pace and in a way that is best for each one of us. I am fortunate to have a family that does care very much about me and I Thank God for that. But... when I am with them I have to appear to be doing well and am able to laugh, and in all fairness, my grandchildren can make me laugh. I just came back from a vacation with Karen, Alan and the girls in Disney World. We had a great time and I did enjoy being there with the kids. But, now reality hits again and I am here alone again because our youngest daughter is now back in Pennsylvania at school. She does come home many weekends but when she leaves I am in this house alone with my puppy. I am having some health issues right now and have an appointment on Wednesday morning with a cardiologist and am very likely going to need to have a cardiac catherization done very soon. My stress test showed that there is not enough blood getting to the lower chambers of my heart. I had cardiac bypass surgery about 9 years ago and I do not want to go through that again. I really feel now that if something is wrong with me, it is just God getting me ready to go with Phil and we should not interfere. My children see it very differently.
Suzanne, it is not unusual for you to want not to do anything. I feel that way too. It takes me forever to get anything done. I don't cook for myself and I don't order out either. I can survive most days on 2 packages of peanut butter and cheese crackers and a couple of Cokes. I know that is not healty but I really don't care. I don't watch tv much either except for the Yankee games. Being a die-hard NY Yankee fan, I don't get the enjoyment out of watching the games because I am watching them alone. Phil always said he did not like baseball and that he only watched the games because I liked them but he never missed a game. He would go into the bedroom because I was watching the game and would call out to ask what channel it was on so that he could watch it. I never missed a game. I find it hard even watching that when it has always been something that I loved so much. My only difference is that I have not lost any weight but have gained weight instead. I think it is because of the swelling that I have in my hands and legs that I have the weight gain. The anti-depressants have helped me to sleep. Taking the anti-depressant along with my sleeping pill, puts me to sleep and I sleep pretty much most of the night. I understand your statement that everything reminds you of him because I feel exactly the same way. There is nothing that I can do or touch that is not a reminder of him. I just got through Phil's birthday on August 19th. The children all came over and we all went to the cemetery together. The grandchildren released helium Happy Birthday balloons for him and it seemed as though one went directly up into the sky while the others floated around a little before going up. It was almost as if he reached down and took the first one right up with him. We are having a family gathering on Saturday to celebrate our youngest daughter's birthday. She will be 22. We adopted Ryeanne when she was 7 years old and have been raising her since she was 5. Her birth mother was my only neice. My neice had substance and alcohol abuse problems but as far as we know has been clean and sober for 4 years now. Until just a few weeks ago, we had not seen her in 17 years. My husband was the one family member who was always worrying about her. I guess I was really angry at her but he always asked if I thought we should look for her because he just wanted to know that she was safe. Well, she is coming here this weekend to celebrate my daughter's birthday. I am not sure that she is able to accept the fact that I am the girl's mother now and she is not. Giving birth does not make a mother. I really feel that Phil had something to do with bringing about this reunion. I hope that things go well because it is going to be a little awkward for a while anyway. My neice is now married and says she is very happy. We will be meeting her husband for the first time. Please pray that all goes well for me.
Suzanne, I will continue to pray for you that you will have the strength to get through this until your time comes to be reunited with Danny. May God Bless you.
Hi Suzanne, I am going to try to respond for about the 15th time and the computers keep giving me trouble. Firstly, I am glad to see your post because I have been thinking of you and hoping that you were doing okay. Suzanne, I can accept the fact that you are not doing well because I feel very much the same as you, Randolph, and some others do. I know that my life is not a life anymore but simply an existance. I need to go through the motions of life but my heart is with my husband and it will not be happy again until I am by his side. I understand that we all must deal with our grief at our own pace and in a way that is best for each one of us. I am fortunate to have a family that does care very much about me and I Thank God for that. But... when I am with them I have to appear to be doing well and am able to laugh, and in all fairness, my grandchildren can make me laugh. I just came back from a vacation with Karen, Alan and the girls in Disney World. We had a great time and I did enjoy being there with the kids. But, now reality hits again and I am here alone again because our youngest daughter is now back in Pennsylvania at school. She does come home many weekends but when she leaves I am in this house alone with my puppy. I am having some health issues right now and have an appointment on Wednesday morning with a cardiologist and am very likely going to need to have a cardiac catherization done very soon. My stress test showed that there is not enough blood getting to the lower chambers of my heart. I had cardiac bypass surgery about 9 years ago and I do not want to go through that again. I really feel now that if something is wrong with me, it is just God getting me ready to go with Phil and we should not interfere. My children see it very differently.
Suzanne, it is not unusual for you to want not to do anything. I feel that way too. It takes me forever to get anything done. I don't cook for myself and I don't order out either. I can survive most days on 2 packages of peanut butter and cheese crackers and a couple of Cokes. I know that is not healty but I really don't care. I don't watch tv much either except for the Yankee games. Being a die-hard NY Yankee fan, I don't get the enjoyment out of watching the games because I am watching them alone. Phil always said he did not like baseball and that he only watched the games because I liked them but he never missed a game. He would go into the bedroom because I was watching the game and would call out to ask what channel it was on so that he could watch it. I never missed a game. I find it hard even watching that when it has always been something that I loved so much. My only difference is that I have not lost any weight but have gained weight instead. I think it is because of the swelling that I have in my hands and legs that I have the weight gain. The anti-depressants have helped me to sleep. Taking the anti-depressant along with my sleeping pill, puts me to sleep and I sleep pretty much most of the night. I understand your statement that everything reminds you of him because I feel exactly the same way. There is nothing that I can do or touch that is not a reminder of him. I just got through Phil's birthday on August 19th. The children all came over and we all went to the cemetery together. The grandchildren released helium Happy Birthday balloons for him and it seemed as though one went directly up into the sky while the others floated around a little before going up. It was almost as if he reached down and took the first one right up with him. We are having a family gathering on Saturday to celebrate our youngest daughter's birthday. She will be 22. We adopted Ryeanne when she was 7 years old and have been raising her since she was 5. Her birth mother was my only neice. My neice had substance and alcohol abuse problems but as far as we know has been clean and sober for 4 years now. Until just a few weeks ago, we had not seen her in 17 years. My husband was the one family member who was always worrying about her. I guess I was really angry at her but he always asked if I thought we should look for her because he just wanted to know that she was safe. Well, she is coming here this weekend to celebrate my daughter's birthday. I am not sure that she is able to accept the fact that I am the girl's mother now and she is not. Giving birth does not make a mother. I really feel that Phil had something to do with bringing about this reunion. I hope that things go well because it is going to be a little awkward for a while anyway. My neice is now married and says she is very happy. We will be meeting her husband for the first time. Please pray that all goes well for me.
Suzanne, I will continue to pray for you that you will have the strength to get through this until your time comes to be reunited with Danny. May God Bless you.
Connie, I will pray that all will go well for you.You are always in my thoughts and heart. Like the lyrics said, the hole in our heart is in the shape of our spouse. LouAnn had 2 of those procedures done, one on both sides of the heart. I was a yankee fan,bigtime,in the 50's and 60's. God an I old LOL.My cousin was a Chicago White Sox fan and we use to fight over who would win. Mickey Mantle was my hero. I saw him bat after surgery and was bleeding through his bandages under his uniform while at the plate swinging away. That was awesome, that was a hero. He also could use his threat of hitting a home run to bunt for a single. Hugs to you.Hugs are good.
How about that! I knew there was a good reason why I liked you. Mickey was my idol. I have been a Yankee fan all my life. When I was 17, I had surgery to remove my appendix. When I was coming out of the anesthesia, my first question, to my Dad, was did the Yankees win that day. I love the Yankees. When I was a teenager, Theresa Brewer recorded a song "I Love Mickey". I bought that 45 and played it over and over. My Mom, a Brooklyn Dodgers fan, hated Mickey Mantle and would get so angry with me for playing it. I still love the Yankees but watching the games by myself is just not the same. Phil would always watch them with me even though he would swear he did not like baseball. I miss him so very much. Thanks for the encouragement. My doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I expect he will schedule the catherization fairly quickly. We will see where we go from there. Thanks again and I will continue to pray for you.
How about that! I knew there was a good reason why I liked you. Mickey was my idol. I have been a Yankee fan all my life. When I was 17, I had surgery to remove my appendix. When I was coming out of the anesthesia, my first question, to my Dad, was did the Yankees win that day. I love the Yankees. When I was a teenager, Theresa Brewer recorded a song "I Love Mickey". I bought that 45 and played it over and over. My Mom, a Brooklyn Dodgers fan, hated Mickey Mantle and would get so angry with me for playing it. I still love the Yankees but watching the games by myself is just not the same. Phil would always watch them with me even though he would swear he did not like baseball. I miss him so very much. Thanks for the encouragement. My doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I expect he will schedule the catherization fairly quickly. We will see where we go from there. Thanks again and I will continue to pray for you.
Dear Cindy,
Well, I can truly relate to everything you have said, as there are some who are willing to pick up the pieces, or go on living, or see the light at the end of the tunnel and love life. I am able to wait upon the Lord and do what He wants me to do and take care of what I need to do, but to love life? One person's experience or solution does not fit everyone. I still say I can't help how I feel, I love my family so much and spend time with them, but to love life is to have Danny alive with me. If it means he will be out of his pain, I have to say for that reason alone I can get up out of bed each morning. I only watched the baseball games with him because I wanted to be sitting with my husband and felt so good being with him. I know now that I only wanted to be with my husband I never have had an interest in sports nor do I now. There were very few times he stayed up late to see the end of a game so he wasn't into it 100% himself, but it was just something to talk about with family. There are other grief sites of people who have been widowed for much longer than I and they have listed on their home page all these things they love to do. I always type in if it's requested that I don't have any interests anymore. I just don't get it, why don't widows understand me. They must have felt the same way. But they want to do things, they want to live, it makes no sense to me. I just push myself to only do what I absolutely have to do. There is a process I have to go through which takes 2 or 3 months to be given a prescription for an antidepressant. Tomorrow, on 9/8 maybe I'll have more info. I will be praying for you that your appointment goes well and that you feel better. I'm so sorry you are going through medical difficulty as I am as well but you have an imminent problem right now so I pray Phil will be watching over you. Take care.
God bless,
Suzanne

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