If you feel dead inside, why live?

Okay, I know I'm still new at this grief thing (my Charlie died 37 days ago). When I don't feel excruciating pain and sorrow, I feel dead inside. I seem to be hearing the same thing from some of the rest of you who have been at this for two years or more. I am 66. I could live another 20 years. If I have to feel dead inside for all those years, I absolutely do not want to live. God created marriage and I think he meant it to be forever. I can remember when I was 20 and newly married I kept saying that I wanted to die at the same time as Charlie or at least go before him. Now here I am stuck alone. There is nothing I do that doesn't remind me of him or make me wonder if he would like what I'm doing. It does not seem worth doing anything if it is alone. I am seriously trying to figure out how to be with him. This not a cry for help, just a question of why we have to go on.

Recommend

0 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Linda Phipps Harold on May 16, 2012 at 7:14pm

Marsha Mann said:

Hi,

I am so sorry about your husband. My son died by suicide 62 days ago. He was 34 years old and had an amazing wife of 7 months. They both had good jobs(she is a neuro-scientist) and I had planned on moving the 3000 miles to be close to them and

their "family"they were starting. She lost the baby2 days before the Memorial Service. So, I lost a son, a daghter(I never called her daughter in law)my grandchild and future grandchildren and a large, loving close extended family. I am all alone except for his 2 cats and my 2. I feel I am empty and some of my friends have abandoned me. We made it public at his Memorial Service and there was a pastor whose own son had died by suicide. I am back home in Buffalo where I know a lot of people, but chose to only tell a few how he died. I do not like lying, but do not feel comfortable with many "acquaintances."

Thus, I can identify with your aloneness. However, did you have some great years together? Was he your best friend? You do not mention family. I wish I had a family. A few people invited me to their homes for "mother's Day as they knew it would be hard for me. It was. I do not care about anything. I go through the motions. However, my son lived an amazing life, surfed,

scuba dived, travelled to Europe 3 times, spoke 4 languages. Actually, society puts a lot of pressure on really smart people....we did not know he was in trouble. I still have him online dancing with me at his wedding. I hope you feel better. I am going out with one of my son's childhood friends. We need to talk and share stories...Please hang in there and I will try as well...baby steps...yeah...

Marsha mann, i too lost my only child, my son 7 1/2 yrs ago, but please do not give up. give it time and find a good support group where you can talk about it. talk, talk, and talk to anyone that will listen, it will help.

Permalink Reply by Linda Phipps Harold on May 16, 2012 at 7:15pm

I forgot to tell you who I am, I am Linda phipps harold and my son was Travis

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on May 16, 2012 at 8:08pm

Julie, like I said I lost my 21 year old son 5 years and 11 months ago, and my husband of 32 years almost 6 months ago. I would absolutely choose to leave this world, but it says in the bible if you take your life you will not go to heaven, I believe this if someone is not mentally ill but sweetie, do you have children, Truly they wouldn't be able to bear the loss of both of you. We have to finish our our journey and fullfill the destiny we chose for ourselves. We are here to learn, and one day be reunited with our families again. Faith is about the only thing that will get you through hellish journey. I pray you can find peace and in time you will find peace and coping skills to help you...I don't believe it ever gets better we just become acustomed to coping. My heart hurts today as much as my baby boy left me almost 6 years ago. Hugs my friend. Try to find a grief councilor, you cannot take your life...people, family friends need you!!!

Permalink Reply by Julie Larsen on May 16, 2012 at 8:21pm

Julie:

I don't have children but I am not really alone. I have a mother and siblings who I would not want to hurt. I just don't seem to be able to feel anything but pain. I do have my faith and hope to be with Charlie again. I just can not seem to think of a good reason to live. I can not imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. I am doing my best to get out, but I feel like everything I do is just so other people will think I'm okay. I feel really hollow inside and have that pain in my stomach all the time. I feel so terrible for all of you who are on here - you have been suffering for so much longer than I have and still try to help the rest of us. Thank you for caring through your on pain. I can't imagine losing and husband and a child.

Julie L

Permalink Reply by janeo on May 16, 2012 at 8:37pm

Julie, I'm sorry for your lost and having to be on this site. I was 48 when I lost my husband Richie. It's been 29 months for me. I been with my husband since I'm 18 and never lived alone before. You do go on with good days and bad. But this site has been a blessing for me and I'm sure for everyone else to. So you could speak what's in your heart and we won't judge cause no matter how long we lost our spouses were still in the same boat .

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on May 16, 2012 at 8:41pm

Julie, I wish, I so wish I could say the hollowness will go away, but....I just don't know! Sweetie, we all have a purpose and you may help another person one day! You are only just over a month out and I know the first 2 month for me were utterly hell as I harboured so much guilt. I had a amazing man and didn't appreciate the time I had as I was so grief stricken over the loss of Kyle...My kids were my life accomplishment. I always adored my husband but he always seem to put friend and work first. In all reality he did what he did for us but I didn't see it. Sweetheart just keep saying over and over again I love myself and one day God will lead me back to my husband. Look for tomorrow not next week or 20 years from now it is to freaking scarey. Live for today and be the best you can be so when our time comes, I know I don't want any do overs I want to stay with my family forever Hugs my friend

Permalink Reply by Dee on May 16, 2012 at 10:57pm

Julie, I pray that God will heal your broken heart. He said in His word that He would be a comforter in our darkest times(Job35;9-10). My Jessie died (head injury at work) two months and 9 days ago. I felt like my world had come to an end. But it is only God that has given me the strength to accept the things in this life that I cannot change. I will continue to live a life that's pleasing to the Lord so that when my time comes..... not only will I be ready; but He promised that we will see our loved ones again. Julie God still has work for you and I to do. May the Lord bless and keep you is my prayer.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on May 16, 2012 at 11:17pm

Julie, the first couple of months after my wife Karen passed away I can tell you I was numb, just going through the motions of living. When you write about what you would say about dying when you were 20 is similar to what my wife used to say. Even though she was 5 years younger,she would say she wished she would go first because she didn't want to live without me. I used to tease her and say,she was younger so I will be gone first. But as fate has it, she did get her wish.i still think about her all the time and try to live my life doing things as she would want me to. I hope you find some comfort here on this site,it has been helpful to,me.

Permalink Reply by Bethany King on May 17, 2012 at 1:56am

Hi Julie,

I am so sorry for your loss, my husband peter died 48 days ago and i truly do hear what your saying cause as i read your words it was as if i had written it myself.

I will be 31 on the 3rd october and was married only 4 days short of 5 months when my husband took his life. I to feel dead inside. I belived god created marriage forever but i never got for ever. I to am seriously trying to figure out how to be with my husband.People keeping telling me im only young and when the time is right i will find someone else that my husband wouldnt want me to be alone.

I cant even believe who some of these people are that say this as they are very close to my husband.

If i wanted someone else i would never have married my husband, i know my husband could not bear the thought of me being with anyone else anyway and even if i wanted to which i never would want to be with anyone but my husband how could i ever hurt him like that.

when they say to me my husband wouldnt want me to be alone I get angry and i think well why did he take his life. my husband was a beautiful, caring man and your right it does not seem worth doing anything if its alone. I wish every day that i had died before my husband because this pain that everyone says will get better in time is unbearable and the more days that pass the more pain i feel. so you are not alone when feeling like this as i said your words could have very well been my own.

Permalink Reply by janeo on May 17, 2012 at 4:54am

I thought this was funny maybe you all will find it funny as well.. I still can't get this coffee right I'm still making extra . LOL I think I'll just go 7- 11.

Permalink Reply by Julie Larsen on May 17, 2012 at 8:10am

Jerry:

It is comforting to me to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. It is good your Karen and my Charlie did not have to go through what we are. Charlie and I were married for 45 years. If we had wanted to be alone or with someone else we could have done it in that time. We invested our lives in each other.Thank you for your kind words. I will be praying for you.

Julie L

Jerry said:

Julie, the first couple of months after my wife Karen passed away I can tell you I was numb, just going through the motions of living. When you write about what you would say about dying when you were 20 is similar to what my wife used to say. Even though she was 5 years younger,she would say she wished she would go first because she didn't want to live without me. I used to tease her and say,she was younger so I will be gone first. But as fate has it, she did get her wish.i still think about her all the time and try to live my life doing things as she would want me to. I hope you find some comfort here on this site,it has been helpful to,me.

Permalink Reply by Julie Larsen on May 17, 2012 at 8:22am

Bethany:

I am so sorry for your loss. We are both so new to this grief thing. People keep telling us what to do and how to feel. Besides the terrible pain everything is so confusing. You are so much younger than me but I know that does not help. I don't want to find someone else and no one can make you do that either. There are others on here that can probably give you insight on this. I will keep you in my prayers.

Julie L
Bethany King said:

Hi Julie,

I am so sorry for your loss, my husband peter died 48 days ago and i truly do hear what your saying cause as i read your words it was as if i had written it myself.

I will be 31 on the 3rd october and was married only 4 days short of 5 months when my husband took his life. I to feel dead inside. I belived god created marriage forever but i never got for ever. I to am seriously trying to figure out how to be with my husband.People keeping telling me im only young and when the time is right i will find someone else that my husband wouldnt want me to be alone.

I cant even believe who some of these people are that say this as they are very close to my husband.

If i wanted someone else i would never have married my husband, i know my husband could not bear the thought of me being with anyone else anyway and even if i wanted to which i never would want to be with anyone but my husband how could i ever hurt him like that.

when they say to me my husband wouldnt want me to be alone I get angry and i think well why did he take his life. my husband was a beautiful, caring man and your right it does not seem worth doing anything if its alone. I wish every day that i had died before my husband because this pain that everyone says will get better in time is unbearable and the more days that pass the more pain i feel. so you are not alone when feeling like this as i said your words could have very well been my own.