Im still waiting for him to come home.

My husband Frank died June 18, 2010 at the age of 48 from cancer. We have 3 children and I am a robot. I go about my business everyday doing what I have to do to care for my kids. I feel like im gutted. There is no me. I cry myself to sleep everynight because he is not next to me. Everynight we would get into bed, I would put my head on his lap and he would stroke my hair and we would watch TV and talk about our day. That was our time. My body actually ache with real pain that I dont have him near me, and I dont mean in a sexual way just to have him by my side. I am trying very hard to be strong for my kids but I am shattered. The doctors kept telling us it was bad and I thought I was prepared but its like he got hit by a bus. He never accepted his death sentence and we never spoke of the possibility he would leave me. In his final moments I told him it was OK to go and it was like shutting off a light switch he just stopped. He didnt slow down just stopped. I told him it was OK which it really wasnt but he never told me he would be OK. I always took care of him...even before he was sick for the last 20 years I did everything for him and now I worry about him not being taken care of. I know I should trust god to care for him but god didnt listen to my prayers when I begged him not to take Frank from me. Everyone keeps telling me to trust gods plan...if this is a plan its a pretty messed up one. I go to the cemetery everyday because I have to tend to his grave and make sure he is OK (which I know is nuts..where is he going to go) but I have to go. The holidays are coming now and I know I have to celebrate somehow for my kids, theyre still young. I dont know what will become of me...there are days I have to actually convince myself that this is real and this really did happen and hes not coming home. Everything is in my house where he left it. I cant move anything. My mother in law says Im making my house a shrine. I cant make like he wasnt here! He was here and we had a life together and I vow he will never be forgotten. I just wish there was some way for me to get peace to know he is with me and hes OK. I wish he would come to me in a dream or something. It breaks my heart to see my kids hurt so much and I cant make it better. To say life is unfair is an understatement. There are so many people that want to die...Frank wanted to live, he never would have left me if he had a choice. I dont care what kind of paradise he may be in now, I know he would rather be with me and our kids. I just dont know what I do now....how do I go on each day. My family and friends think Im nuts and dont get it. When will I stop looking at the front door waiting for him to come home?

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Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on November 16, 2010 at 10:50pm

Renee, I FEEL THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN and tonight have sat on the couch and cried all night bellowing please Doug just come home. So in answer to your question, I just don't know when the pain eases and when we stop waiting for our husbands to come home. I only know that tomorrow will be 7 weeks that Doug is gone and I too feel so lost, empty, scattered, walking in a fog.I just do as much as I can . Losing your soulmate to me cannot be described in words. The pain is so intense within. I am so grateful for this site because here I have realized I am not the only one thinking I lost my mind. I also am grateful that there are so many wonderful people sharing there experience, strength and hope. I guess staying in the moment is what I am trying to do. I don't have any family so for me it is hard cause people out there think move on already. HUGS. I am here for you too and understand. Hugs help us grow spiritually.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on November 16, 2010 at 11:14pm

No one will ever know how you feel about the loss of you husband ,unless they have lost a spouse. You do have to stay strong for you children, they are young and need their Mom now more then ever. As far as the things in your house, its your house so keep everthing the way you want . My wife passed away 10 months ago and I still have her robes and stuff hanging behind the bedroom door. I have 3 grandchildren that keep me pretty busy, but I do feel sad when I think of all the things they do that my wife is missing out on. Try take take it an hour at a time for now, then as you get stronger day by day. I still get days that I dont want to leve the house. I hope the holidays dont get me to down, since last year at this time was when my wife was at the worst of her sickness. I wish you the best, and am sure you will find some comfort from this group.

Permalink Reply by Christy on November 17, 2010 at 7:08am

Renee, I am praying for you to have peace. He is no longer suffering with physical pain. I haven't touched Larry's things either, but I wouldn't call it a shrine. It's just our house. I'm not ready for it to be 'my' house yet. Maybe I'll be ready to begin cleaning up & clearing out a few things before Christmas arrives. I think we should try to push ourselves somewhat -baby steps is what I keep hearing, but you don't want to go overboard & toss everything out either! You are right, life is not fair. Evil people, drug addicts, ect. remain while good, hard working husbands/ fathers slip away! I am 46 yrs. old & I miss my husband with all that I am, but all the tears will not bring him back. The bible tells us not to look to the past or to the future, but live in the present. That is exactly what we should try to do. I am praying for you and your children-HUGS

Permalink Reply by Jo on November 17, 2010 at 9:51am

Never:But if you're all hurting so much,and I know you are,can you sit down as a Family,you and your kids ARE still a family,and talk about him,how much you miss him,what you miss most,how will you get through the Holidays?TOGETHER!Help eachother, you need to be a team and if you need help,there are places to get it.If you can get over your anger at God{I am having issues too }and have a religion,ask at your church if they have grief counceling.I bet they do.You're right,no one does know how you feel,If you have Health Insurance,you can get counceling:.Go on the Net [Google] for your local area and see what's out there for you.This site is a place to feel sad,but I am finding that by interacting with people and looking at your grief as it is happening in the real world, as much as possible, HELPS.What about your kid's School Guidance Office? People will help you,but they don't always know what to do for you so,you have to ASK and TELL them what you need.
I am still in a fog and in disbelief after 3 months,Funtioning is VERY hard,but I make myself do stuff,even when I would rather just stay in bed.This is the time to use your friends and family,and to find outside help.And if they don't get it,yell a little.Make them hear you.I wish you healing.

Permalink Reply by Jill Cobb on November 17, 2010 at 9:56am

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly on 9/28/10 at the age of 39 they say he had a massive heart attack. We did not even know that he was sick. May 12, 2011 would have been out 10 year anniversary. I keep telling myself i would be able to accept it if he was sick or in an accident or anything but just all of a sudden. We have three children also the oldest two are 17 and the youngest is 8 i would love to just skip the holidays but know i can't because of the kids. Jason was my everything. I was at work and was trying to get to him when he called me to tell me that he was having trouble breathing i feel so bad that i was not there for him. Our 8 year old was at home and went to get the neighbors for him after my husband had already called 911. I expect to see him in the kitchen cooking when i get home everyday from work. i feel exactly the same way that you do, when people say he is in heaven and happy. I say No THIS WAS HIS HEAVEN i know that he would rather be here with his family.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on November 17, 2010 at 9:26pm

renee, i am so very sorry for your loss. i lost my husband to cancer on feb 26th 2010. he was gone within three months of diagnosis. my husband had just turned 58 on feb. 13th. just like your husband, my husband never accepted his death sentence. he kept saying i am going to beat this. he loved life and never wanted to die. he kept saying i want to see my grand daughters get married and i want to grow old with you. we never sat and spoke about him leaving me.the last day that my husband was alive, i too, told him that it was ok for him to go, i didnt want too, but knew i had too, and he passed away a few hours later. my husband and i took care of each other, we were always their for each other. now i feel like their is no reason for me to be here. my children are grown, they have their own life. you however do need to think about your three children and i am sure you do.i am so very sorry that you are having to feel this misery like the rest of us do, i will keep you in my prayers.this site is a good place to come when you need someone to vent too, or share with. so sorry you have to be here.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on November 17, 2010 at 9:47pm

Christy said:

Renee, I am praying for you to have peace. He is no longer suffering with physical pain. I haven't touched Larry's things either, but I wouldn't call it a shrine. It's just our house. I'm not ready for it to be 'my' house yet. Maybe I'll be ready to begin cleaning up & clearing out a few things before Christmas arrives. I think we should try to push ourselves somewhat -baby steps is what I keep hearing, but you don't want to go overboard & toss everything out either! You are right, life is not fair. Evil people, drug addicts, ect. remain while good, hard working husbands/ fathers slip away! I am 46 yrs. old & I miss my husband with all that I am, but all the tears will not bring him back. The bible tells us not to look to the past or to the future, but live in the present. That is exactly what we should try to do. I am praying for you and your children-HUGS

Permalink Reply by Christy on November 18, 2010 at 10:24am

I second that!

Jo said:

Never:But if you're all hurting so much,and I know you are,can you sit down as a Family,you and your kids ARE still a family,and talk about him,how much you miss him,what you miss most,how will you get through the Holidays?TOGETHER!Help eachother, you need to be a team and if you need help,there are places to get it.If you can get over your anger at God{I am having issues too }and have a religion,ask at your church if they have grief counceling.I bet they do.You're right,no one does know how you feel,If you have Health Insurance,you can get counceling:.Go on the Net [Google] for your local area and see what's out there for you.This site is a place to feel sad,but I am finding that by interacting with people and looking at your grief as it is happening in the real world, as much as possible, HELPS.What about your kid's School Guidance Office? People will help you,but they don't always know what to do for you so,you have to ASK and TELL them what you need.
I am still in a fog and in disbelief after 3 months,Funtioning is VERY hard,but I make myself do stuff,even when I would rather just stay in bed.This is the time to use your friends and family,and to find outside help.And if they don't get it,yell a little.Make them hear you.I wish you healing.

Permalink Reply by Christy on November 18, 2010 at 10:33am

I feel as if I were right there with you after reading your description of that horrific day! I am so so sorry for you and your children,... I understand & agree that were our loved ones given a choice, many would still be here with us! Please try to live one day at a time- don't worry about the holidays, they will come & go- what's important is you loving & caring for each other each & every day. HUGS, Christy

Jill Cobb said:

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly on 9/28/10 at the age of 39 they say he had a massive heart attack. We did not even know that he was sick. May 12, 2011 would have been out 10 year anniversary. I keep telling myself i would be able to accept it if he was sick or in an accident or anything but just all of a sudden. We have three children also the oldest two are 17 and the youngest is 8 i would love to just skip the holidays but know i can't because of the kids. Jason was my everything. I was at work and was trying to get to him when he called me to tell me that he was having trouble breathing i feel so bad that i was not there for him. Our 8 year old was at home and went to get the neighbors for him after my husband had already called 911. I expect to see him in the kitchen cooking when i get home everyday from work. i feel exactly the same way that you do, when people say he is in heaven and happy. I say No THIS WAS HIS HEAVEN i know that he would rather be here with his family.

Permalink Reply by Kim on November 18, 2010 at 6:34pm

Renee,
I feel your pain and I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died almost 6 months ago from cancer at the age of 40 and even though we knew the prognosis was grimm we never accepted the fact he was going to die and never talked about what would happen to him or me afterwards. I too told him to let go and go on to god I would be ok, but I am not ok and never will be. I too am dreading the holidays. They will be the first holidays without him and I do not know how I am going to make it through them. I have not touched anything in my house. Everything is still the way it was when Jerry was still here. I cannot bring myself to go through any of his belongings because I know how much it is going to hurt. I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of anything that belonged to him. I talk to him everyday and tell him how much I love and miss him hoping he can hear me. Please know you are not alone and we are all here for you.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on November 18, 2010 at 9:39pm

Dear Renee,
I would absolutely agree 100% with everything everyone said here. I too am so sorry for your loss and I really really know how you feel. There are many people who don't understand what this is like. I didn't even know that life would be like this. After my husband passed away on 1/22/10 I never thought I would be getting on this emotional roller coaster called Grief. Danny had complications of esophageal cancer and even though he went through much struggle and anguish during this whole ordeal I never thought for one second during the last three years that he would actually be gone from this life. Not in a million years did I think this would happen. I always thought there would be treatments, a cure, a healing, or a miracle, something. But, I just wanted to reiterate what others here have already said. It is important that you grieve however you feel is right for you. It really helped me to keep sharing with who those who I trust and understands me, like online support groups, Hospice, (you don't have to be member, just look one up), and I go to a counselor, and to consider all options. There are others, as you have found, that don't get it. I have found solace and comfort by only talking to those who know how I'm feeling. Everyone is feeling this pain but everyone deals with it differently. Please find out as much as you can about grief from books, meetings, one-on-one. We here know how difficult life is when our spouse is not here with us. Even though you may not feel like it, you have to take care of yourself, or cry whenever you need to. I am somewhat fortunate I have no responsiblity for taking care of children, as my sons are on their own, but I know they are grieving in their own way too. I wanted to suggest also that you make sure when you go on grief sites that you set your settings to private so only those here will read your posts. I hope you come back anytime and let others know how you are doing. My heart goes out to you. Take care and God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on November 18, 2010 at 9:55pm

Kim, I feel like you and I are one. I hope you and I can help each other through. We are walking in each others shoes and maybe since our husbands died so close to each other only a month apart and from the same ugly disease maybe they are together now and looking to help us cope by putting us together. You know I sleep with the pillowcase he died on under my pillow just hoping it would help me dream of him and maybe he would tell me hes OK. I always took care of him and I need to know hes OK. Maybe im crazy...I dont know. Sometimes I wish I could move away and start a new life and pretend the old one never happened. I never thought this wouldl be my life. This stuff happens to other people not us....right? Thanks Kim

Kim said:

Renee,
I feel your pain and I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died almost 6 months ago from cancer at the age of 40 and even though we knew the prognosis was grimm we never accepted the fact he was going to die and never talked about what would happen to him or me afterwards. I too told him to let go and go on to god I would be ok, but I am not ok and never will be. I too am dreading the holidays. They will be the first holidays without him and I do not know how I am going to make it through them. I have not touched anything in my house. Everything is still the way it was when Jerry was still here. I cannot bring myself to go through any of his belongings because I know how much it is going to hurt. I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of anything that belonged to him. I talk to him everyday and tell him how much I love and miss him hoping he can hear me. Please know you are not alone and we are all here for you.