Im trying very hard but my grief is making me physically sick!

Hi my friends...I havent commented in a few days because I havent been feeling well and actually spent Friday at the hospital having tests. I have not one but two stomach ulcers and the doctors say they can be serious if I dont relax. How do I relax??? I am trying so hard to be strong for my kids but I always walk around with a knot in my stomach and cry myself to sleep at night. I told my doctor that but he doesnt get it and just tries to put the guilt on me about how much my kids need me now and I have to worry about myself. My kids were besides themselves crying about me and the last thing I want to do is give them more heartache. I think if I get a cold now the kids will freak out. I told them not to worry that I would be fine and my middle child said "thats what daddy said" and she is right. I know my kids need me but the pain doesnt get easier I think its getting harder. I miss him so much that I dont know what to do and no one in my family understand. I woke up in the hospital after the endoscopy sobbing because I was there without Frank. My son came in to see me cry and thats the last thing I want to do. It has been 6 1/2 months since Frank died and things are getting harder not easier. Most days I do think I am crazy...doing things are know are irrational but I do them anyway. When it snowed here the only thing I could think of is I have to get to the cemetery to shovel the snow. I didnt want him to be cold. I know thats crazy but I cant help it. Yesterday I almost tried to throw the urinal out from the bathroom that has been sitting there since Frank was here and I had it in my hand and couldnt do it. I cant move anything!!!! I know this is nuts! I dont know what to do I feel worse today than the day he died if that is possible. I am trying to move forward..I registered for college to finish my nursing degree and I am working and trying to hold everything together but inside I feel like Im broken beyond repair. My pastor keeps calling because I cant go to church. Im not mad at god I just dont feel anything. I cant pray...I begged god to save him and I know he took him so he wouldnt suffer anymore but other people get miracles why didnt we? I am rambling I just dont know what to do. Thanks all for listening your the only people who understand. Love Renee

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Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on January 9, 2011 at 9:40am

Renee, I feel so bad for you. You are not crazy tho I totally understand how it feels that way. You are a very young lady to have to go through this pain and you have young children who need you. I just had my gallbladder removed in November and it had been giving me lots of "stress" issues so I understand. Our bodies react in wild and different ways to stress. It is difficult to understand when we say you must take one day at a time and take care of yourself but this is what you must do. You are feeling totally overwhelmed and out of control. Take control of one thing right now, no matter how small. Take that gosh darn urinal and throw it in the trash. It does not have control over you. One small step in the forward direction. If you are trying to hold yourself together by not crying in front of your children, don't. It is obviously hurting you physically. You must release the pressure, not hold it in. You are angry but trying not to be. Its okay, its normal. Honest...6 months is not a very long time on this journey. I am at almost 11 months and some days I still want to sit and cry. It will get easier, not better to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I have all kinds of stuff tumbling around in my head and just not sure what else to put on paper but hope this helps somewhat. Feel free to write more. Feel free to ask questions.. hugs

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on January 9, 2011 at 10:51am

Renee, I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. I agree with Kathy, you are not crazy. We all do things that seem crazy to others but it is just our minds trying to cope with what has happened to us. Please do try to take care of your body. Just think that you know that your husband would not want you to make yourself physically ill. I know that is easier said than done but maybe your doctor could give you something for anxiety and that might help. I have learned that when the tears get ready to come that I have to let them. The longer I try not to the harder it is. I do understand about moving things. I moved the lamp from my husband's side of the bed to my side and cried the whole time I was doing it. I hope that you can try to move forward. I am trying but I do agree that it is very hard and sometimes it seems like for every small step forward you take you seem to take a bigger one backward. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you have some peace soon.

Permalink Reply by Edler Sterling Broussard on January 9, 2011 at 11:07am

We feel your pain Renee. We are here for you and you and your family are in my prayers. The only advise I have for you is to keep your family close to you and keep in touch with this group. I have learned alot from this group for there are many of us that are in the same situation and experience similiar feelings. Little by little, day by day this site has helped me and I hope it will do the same for you. A big hug, Ed

Permalink Reply by Hurting on January 9, 2011 at 11:10am

Hi Renee, I am so sorry that you have to suffer through all this. My husband left me on December 23, 2009. As per doctor it was a silent attack, I have 3 boys. We had made temple at home that I haven't done anything to since he left. He was a very religious man and used to pray every day so if today nobody in the house prays in that temple is because God took the one who was most devoted to him. I haven't moved any of this things his toothbrush, razor, towel etc. is still sitting where he left it on the last day. I really believe that we all have to grieve in our own way. Best thing about this site is that people listen and understand and nobody judges anybody. If there is anything we can do let us know. Also try joining our facebook site and if you want to chat write down the date and time convenient for you. May god give all of strength to bear this grief.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on January 9, 2011 at 12:45pm

Renee,

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain, physically and emotionally, right now. It is important to take care of yourself...your kids need you. I know that sounds like a guilt trip, I don't mean it to be. It wasn't until our oldest daughter gave me a wakeup call that I was able to change my outlook. I was so lost and felt so alone that all I wanted to do was curl up and die just to be with my Tom. I didn't want to leave my kids and would not have done anything to myself, but if something random could have happened to me and more particularly all of us, my kids and I, so that we could all be together and not feel such pain, I would have welcomed it. My talking about wanting to be with Dad was too much for my kids to bear. My oldest finally told me she did not want to be a complete orphan and that is when I realized that I am putting too much of a burden on them. It helped me to break through and work on living again...even if it was just for our kids. It's okay for your kids to see you cry...they know you are hurting and to deny that only makes it harder for you. Cry together and let them know that no matter what you will be there for each other and somehow, someway you will all get through this together. They will appreciate your honesty.

I think you are coming out of the "fog" and reality is there to hit you in the face (so to speak). Reality is so cruel and it hurts so much when we are living this new life day to day. It's important to take the time you need and do what you need to do to get through this. Hang on tight to your kids and just take it one breath at at time. Do only what you need to do...church and everything else will be there when you are ready. There is nothing crazy about you...we've all been there. I am like you, I still have everything of Tom's in its place...toothbrush, coats on the coat rack, boots...everything. It's been almost two years and I do not want to move his things and I am definitely not ready to get rid of anything as some people think I should. All in time, but only when we are ready.

You have made a great decision to go back to school. It's a very brave move. I had never gone to college and I decided one day about 6 months after losing Tom that I needed to get a degree so that I can eventually get a job and take care of my family. Within a week I was taking classes and it has been one of the best things I could have done for all of us. I am proving to my kids that mom will be okay on her own and I'm proving to myself that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. School has been a great distraction from all the pain and sadness. I have had something positive to focus on. I remember when I first started classes...I was so scared to start, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it, but so far I have kept a 4.0 average and I am about to begin my last semester. This May I will have a degree as a Medical Administrative Assistant. Never before in my life did I ever expect to say that I have a degree. Now, the only problem is, I'm even more scared for classes to end because I will have to actually go out in the world and be independent. I started school because of Tom, but I stayed because of me. It will be a very positive move for you and your kids will be very proud of you.

This roller coaster ride doesn't end, but the lows do get fewer and farther between. We all are here for you...we understand all too well what you are going through. I know it's so hard to imagine right now, but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel...even though it will start out as nothing more than a pin hole it will grow, your pain will shift, and soon you will be able to smile at the simple things again.

Hang on tight to your kids...they will be your biggest source of comfort and your biggest cheering squad. I wish you peace and comfort as you walk this journey...remember you are never alone.

Hugs and God Bless

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on January 9, 2011 at 1:18pm

Dear Renee, first I am so sorry for your loss and the suffering you are going through. The other members are all right, you can't keep your sorrow and tears inside you, it is really hurting you. Here are some thoughts from the Hospice Society where I live and a few of my own. I lost my dear husband John on August 31st, 2010, so it has been 4 months for myself and our daughters.

1. Know you can survive, you may not think it but you can.

2. Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness, are all common responses. You are not crazy, you are grieving.

3. Be aware that you may feel anger at the caregivers, at God, at the world, at yourself. It's okay to express it.

4. Give yourself permission to get professional help.

5. Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, let it happen. This is unfinished grief, accept it, cry, for it will help you to heal.

A couple of suggestions which may be able to help you and your young children:

1. Set aside an amount of time where you and your children can sit together, it can be for as short as 10 minutes, and let it be specifically a time to grieve and remember your husband and their father. It can be a happy time, if the children have a favorite story to tell or memory, or you can simply sit and hold hands and cry. The most important thing is that you all grieve together. This way the grief can help you all to heal. Don't be afraid of it. The children need to cry too and see that it is okay, in fact it is healthy for them. Then dry those tears and do something nice together.

2. Find a way to honor your husband and their father. If Frank had a hobby and it is something the children could do, then encourage it. Plant a favorite flower in the garden, and they will know that is dad's flower, when it blooms. Find special pictures of them together so they and you have good memories.

3. Finally, I see you are going back to school. That is a big step. Congratulations to you. If you like to study then you may like to read. There are many books out there which are immensely comforting, on spirituality, on love that never ends.

The last thing is, no you are not nuts wanting to go to the cemetery because Frank would be cold. I did exactly the same thing, well the exact same thought for my John. The night he passed away he was so hot and took off his jogging pants in the hospital. My only though the next day was to get to the funeral home with his clothes because I didn't want him to be cold.

You see, we all do similar things Renee and day by day, you will find the strength. But do the "work" of the grief and let it out and you will find your ulcers will slowly go away.

Your Frank is there will you always and he wouldn't want to think of you suffering so because his love for you is eternal.

This is very long, but I do hope it helps even a little bit.

Hugs,

Carol.

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on January 9, 2011 at 1:18pm

1. Know you can survive, you may not think it but you can.

2. Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness, are all common responses. You are not crazy, you are grieving.

3. Be aware that you may feel anger at the caregivers, at God, at the world, at yourself. It's okay to express it.

4. Give yourself permission to get professional help.

5. Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, let it happen. This is unfinished grief, accept it, cry, for it will help you to heal.

A couple of suggestions which may be able to help you and your young children:

You see, we all do similar things Renee and day by day, you will find the strength. But do the "work" of the grief and let it out and you will find your ulcers will slowly go away.

Your Frank is there will you always and he wouldn't want to think of you suffering so because his love for you is eternal.

This is very long, but I do hope it helps even a little bit.

Hugs,

Carol.

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on January 9, 2011 at 8:09pm

Renee, you are not crazy, I haven't been here in awhile, but reading your message is how I have felt since the holidays. Like there is something I should be doing but I don't know what it is, and it scares the hell out of me that it might be something important. I know that I have to finish selling the equipment from my husband business to help make ends meet but I can't and I don't want to. I might be wrong but I think it's fear, I have never been alone and when I was afraid Joe was always here with a hug and to tell me it was going to be ok.

The other night I had a dream about Joe and I arguing about Church, but of course I woke up with out finding out what we were arguing about. I what to go to church but I can't I don't know why but I can't. I'm not mad at anyone but maybe myself for not knowing more about my husbands health and protecting him better, but i just don't know anything anymore. Sorry none of this is very helpful but, I will hope that you can find some peace and I hope that you feel better soon. Kay

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on January 9, 2011 at 8:09pm

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on January 9, 2011 at 8:57pm

Thank you Kathy. I dont know where I would be without all of you!

Debbie Treadway said:

Renee, I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. I agree with Kathy, you are not crazy. We all do things that seem crazy to others but it is just our minds trying to cope with what has happened to us. Please do try to take care of your body. Just think that you know that your husband would not want you to make yourself physically ill. I know that is easier said than done but maybe your doctor could give you something for anxiety and that might help. I have learned that when the tears get ready to come that I have to let them. The longer I try not to the harder it is. I do understand about moving things. I moved the lamp from my husband's side of the bed to my side and cried the whole time I was doing it. I hope that you can try to move forward. I am trying but I do agree that it is very hard and sometimes it seems like for every small step forward you take you seem to take a bigger one backward. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you have some peace soon.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on January 9, 2011 at 8:59pm

Thank you Debbie..it does help to know where not alone. Love Renee

Debbie Treadway said:

Renee, I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. I agree with Kathy, you are not crazy. We all do things that seem crazy to others but it is just our minds trying to cope with what has happened to us. Please do try to take care of your body. Just think that you know that your husband would not want you to make yourself physically ill. I know that is easier said than done but maybe your doctor could give you something for anxiety and that might help. I have learned that when the tears get ready to come that I have to let them. The longer I try not to the harder it is. I do understand about moving things. I moved the lamp from my husband's side of the bed to my side and cried the whole time I was doing it. I hope that you can try to move forward. I am trying but I do agree that it is very hard and sometimes it seems like for every small step forward you take you seem to take a bigger one backward. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you have some peace soon.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on January 9, 2011 at 9:06pm

Dear Hurting, Thank you for your kind words. It makes me feel better to have all of you behind me. You made me smile to hear your husbands things are still where he left them. Franks toothbrush and razor are still in the bathroom too and as I brush my teeth each morning and night I look at his toothbrush and think of him. What site is the facebook site. I didnt know about that. Frank too was a very religious person. While he was sick I used to say I wanted to punch god in the face and Frank would get angry and tell me no. He prayed everyday and trusted god. 3 days before he died he went out on our deck and put his hands up in the air and said "god i put my life in your hands" and then he died. I still say to him that he should never have said that. No matter what god needed him for I needed him more and I try but I cant understand. I would love to speak to you my number is 718-987-6965. I am in New York I dont know where you are but I am usually home late morning. I go to the cemetery every morning after I take my girls to school. Thank you for reaching out to me. Love Renee

Hurting said:

Hi Renee, I am so sorry that you have to suffer through all this. My husband left me on December 23, 2009. As per doctor it was a silent attack, I have 3 boys. We had made temple at home that I haven't done anything to since he left. He was a very religious man and used to pray every day so if today nobody in the house prays in that temple is because God took the one who was most devoted to him. I haven't moved any of this things his toothbrush, razor, towel etc. is still sitting where he left it on the last day. I really believe that we all have to grieve in our own way. Best thing about this site is that people listen and understand and nobody judges anybody. If there is anything we can do let us know. Also try joining our facebook site and if you want to chat write down the date and time convenient for you. May god give all of strength to bear this grief.