Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on January 9, 2011 at 10:08pm

Renee,

I want you to know you are not crazy. After losing my wife of 30 plus years 45 days ago I find it impossible to part with anything remotely connected to her and probably will not for the rest of my years. I am without any real family and very few close friends which makes it harder to have because of the time spent alone. I am suffering from anxiety attacks in the middle of the night and even have picked up phantom ear and head pain and breathing issues all probably attributed to grieving. It is difficult at best to go through this experience, with a little of the proper help and some compassion we will all get through it.

There are some really wonderful people here, sometimes just reading gives me the strength and courage to make it through another day of this extreme agony I face. It is OK to question why you did not get your much wanted miracle, I do it daily. My pastor and the hospice folks said it is a natural reaction after a loss such as ours. I think the key is not become bitter and abandon your faith, it is your gateway to being re-united with your lost loved ones.

I am sorry, I have started to ramble too. Just know you are not alone in your feelings, most of us here are either having similar situations or have had them in the past. There is a song by Tracy Lawrence called "Used to the Pain" that now makes more sense to me then it had before and I can honestly say I hope I can get to the point that the singer is at in that song.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on January 9, 2011 at 10:43pm

Carol, all I can say is Thank you for all your kinds words and advice.  It means more to me than you can know.  As I read your words I did cry but they are good tears because I felt as though you and everyone else is there sending hugs and comfort and that means so much.  I will take your advice and I may need a little push along the way.  Thank you for your help and sharing your grief with me.  I hate that we are riding this roller coaster together but I am grateful for good people like you.  Love Renee

Carol Kayser said:

Dear Renee, first I am so sorry for your loss and the suffering you are going through.  The other members are all right, you can't keep your sorrow and tears inside you, it is really hurting you.  Here are some thoughts from the Hospice Society where I live and a few of my own.  I lost my dear husband John on August 31st, 2010, so it has been 4 months for myself and our daughters.

 

1.  Know you can survive, you may not think it but you can.

2.  Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness, are all common responses.  You are not crazy, you are   grieving.

3.  Be aware that you may feel anger at the caregivers, at God, at the  world, at yourself.  It's okay to express it.

4.  Give yourself permission to get professional help.

5.  Expect setbacks.  If emotions return like a tidal wave, let it happen.  This is unfinished grief, accept it, cry, for it will help you to heal.

 

A couple of suggestions which may be able to help you and your young children:

1.  Set aside an amount of time where you and your children can sit together, it can be for as short as 10 minutes, and let it be specifically a time to grieve and remember your husband and their father.  It can be a happy time, if the children have a favorite story to tell or memory, or you can simply sit and hold hands and cry.  The most important thing is that you all grieve together.  This way the grief can help you all to heal.  Don't be afraid of it.  The children need to cry too and see that it is okay, in fact it is healthy for them.  Then dry those tears and do something nice together.

 

2.  Find a way to honor your husband and their father.  If Frank had a hobby and it is something the children could do, then encourage it.  Plant a favorite flower in the garden, and they will know that is dad's flower, when it blooms.  Find special pictures of them together so they and you have good memories.

 

3.  Finally, I see you are going back to school.  That is a big step.  Congratulations to you.  If you like to study then you may like to read.   There are many books out there which are immensely comforting, on spirituality, on love that never ends. 

 

The last thing is, no you are not nuts wanting to go to the cemetery because Frank would be cold.  I did exactly the same thing, well the exact same thought for my John.  The night he passed away he was so hot and took off his jogging pants in the hospital.  My only though the next day was to get to the funeral home with his clothes because I didn't want him to be cold.

 

You see, we all do similar things Renee and day by day, you will find the strength.  But do the "work" of the grief and let it out and you will find your ulcers will slowly go away.

 

Your Frank is there will you always and he wouldn't want to think of you suffering so because his love for you is eternal.

 

This is very long, but I do hope it helps even a little bit.

 

Hugs,

Carol.

 

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on January 9, 2011 at 10:45pm

Thank you Pete for sharing your experiences and helping me.  I deeply appreciate everyone here for their help and for letting me know I am not alone.  I will look up your song, thanks!

Renee

Pete Bronson said:

Renee,

I want you to know you are not crazy. After losing my wife of 30 plus years 45 days ago I find it impossible to part with anything remotely connected to her and probably will not for the rest of my years. I am without any real family and very few close friends which makes it harder to have because of the time spent alone. I am suffering from anxiety attacks in the middle of the night and even have picked up phantom ear and head pain and breathing issues all probably attributed to grieving. It is difficult at best to go through this experience, with a little of the proper help and some compassion we will all get through it.

There are some really wonderful people here, sometimes just reading gives me the strength and courage to make it through another day of this extreme agony I face. It is OK to question why you did not get your much wanted miracle, I do it daily. My pastor and the hospice folks said it is a natural reaction after a loss such as ours. I think the key is not become bitter and abandon your faith, it is your gateway to being re-united with your lost loved ones.

I am sorry, I have started to ramble too. Just know you are not alone in your feelings, most of us here are either having similar situations or have had them in the past. There is a song by Tracy Lawrence called "Used to the Pain" that now makes more sense to me then it had before and I can honestly say I hope I can get to the point that the singer is at in that song.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on January 9, 2011 at 11:45pm

Hi Renee, 

Facebook link:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=109665012419756&v=info

 

You have all of us and you will survive.

Permalink Reply by Connie on January 11, 2011 at 8:13pm

Renee,  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband of 46 years 14 months ago and I can tell you it does get harder day by day.  Some days it is almost unbearable.  I don't know if it will ever get easier but I know that as each day passes, it is one day longer since I held him and talked to him and just had him near me.  It hurts more and more.  I understand how your kids feel about you getting sick.  I have three daughters and they are constantly calling and checking on me and if I do not answer the phone, they start calling each other and if none knows where I am, they start to panic.  

 

Renee, you are not "nuts."  You will take care of things as you are ready to do them.  I had to change the title on the car because the insurance company was pushing it.  I didn't know that after 30 days, I was not legally able to use the car.  I did use it but when I found it out, I had to take care of it.  Other than that, I have not taken his name off of anything.  I don't know when or if I will be able to do it.  

 

I don't know why God takes one and leaves the other.  I wait for the day that I am reunited with my husband, when I will lay at his side.  I have to go through the motions of living but my life ended when he passed.  Renee, only people who have lived through the loss of a spouse can understand what we are going through.  People say that they understand but they don't.  They can't.  I try to go to the cemetery every day.  With the winter weather, that is not always possible but as soon as I can I go.  Somehow I feel better going there to spend a few minutes with him.  I know this is stupid but it is what helps me a little bit.  

 

I wish I could tell you that you would feel better soon, but you may not.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on January 12, 2011 at 2:05pm

Dear Renee - I am so very, very sorry to hear of the death of your beloved Frank.....and at 6.5 months, you are feeling _exactly_ as you need to feel!  My husband died on 29 June 2009, and there are many days that I STILL sit in parking lots, crying, because I miss him so much!

You mentioned your pastor...I would encourage you to light a fire underneath _him_ to have your _church_ enfold you - for the _men_ of the church to be willing to take your son out for "man-to-man" times, for the women to come around your daughters - Scripture is full of references regarding the church caring for widows....and they need to step up.

You need to cry as much as you want, you need someone who will simply _sit_ with you and _listen_ to you talk about Frank, about funny memories, special times, silly arguments - whatever you want to talk about - our dead beloveds are the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about - and people squirm at the mention of 'death', 'dying', 'is dead'. 

Do _not_ let anyone tell you that "you need to get over it, you need to get on" - you will do that in your OWN time, after YOU have grieved as much as YOU need to.  If your husband was in hospice when he died, you may want to contact their Bereavement Counselor and see if someone can meet with you - even if your husband was not in hospice care, most hospices offer such counseling for free or a nominal cost.  And also for your children - my husband was in hospice for only _four days_, but the Bereavement Counselor came to my _place_ 1-2 month for a year to talk to me, and he also runs a Mourning Star Center for children, to deal with their grief - I think you need not totally carry this burden alone.

But - there _will_ be those "long moments" - the silent Sunday afternoons, the evenings without Frank to cuddle up with, the dagger in your heart you feel when you see couples walking hand in hand - I had to learn how to say a quick _blessing_ over such, because I'd just be _furious_ - why did THEY get to be together when my Byron, my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluteus Maximus was gone??? How DARE they! If such moments come to you - do not feel badly - it is normal.

 

As you grieve, healing comes - don't know why it has to be that way, but it is....after 18 months, I can smile sometimes, but I still cry, I still miss Byron's incredibly soft, comforting voice, his warm, manly smell - and DO NOT let ANYONE push you about your Frank's things - keep what YOU want, and deal with his things in YOUR OWN TIME - I, being A Neat Freak, did gather up many of Byron's things soon after he died - I was so honored to donate to the Lions Club his hearing aids, batteries and glasses - but that was _me_ - you will know when you are ready.

 

Peace, healing, comfort, blessing and grace be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on January 12, 2011 at 8:20pm

Connie,

Thank you for your kind words.  I envy you that you had 46 years with your husband.  I only had 22 (we were married for 20).  Tomorrow is the anniversary of our first date 22 years ago.  I too feel like my life is over.  I do what I have to do but am a hollow shell of what I was before.  My baby is 12 and is hurting so much and it breaks my heart that I cant help her.  There is nothing I can say.  I told her today that daddy is with you all the time and she begged me to just let her see him and I had no words.  What do I say????  I know god is not a vengeful god and doesnt want us to suffer so they say but we are!  What did my kids do to deserve such pain.  My mission for tomorrow is to go right to the cemetery after I take my girls to school to shovel all the snow off of Franks grave.  I plan my life around getting to the cemetery.  I talk about moving away and then say to myself I would have to move Frank too.  Is this our life now??? Not what I ever thought it would be.  I wish you some peace and hope you find happiness whereever you can.  Love Renee

Connie said:

Renee,  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband of 46 years 14 months ago and I can tell you it does get harder day by day.  Some days it is almost unbearable.  I don't know if it will ever get easier but I know that as each day passes, it is one day longer since I held him and talked to him and just had him near me.  It hurts more and more.  I understand how your kids feel about you getting sick.  I have three daughters and they are constantly calling and checking on me and if I do not answer the phone, they start calling each other and if none knows where I am, they start to panic.  

 

Renee, you are not "nuts."  You will take care of things as you are ready to do them.  I had to change the title on the car because the insurance company was pushing it.  I didn't know that after 30 days, I was not legally able to use the car.  I did use it but when I found it out, I had to take care of it.  Other than that, I have not taken his name off of anything.  I don't know when or if I will be able to do it.  

 

I don't know why God takes one and leaves the other.  I wait for the day that I am reunited with my husband, when I will lay at his side.  I have to go through the motions of living but my life ended when he passed.  Renee, only people who have lived through the loss of a spouse can understand what we are going through.  People say that they understand but they don't.  They can't.  I try to go to the cemetery every day.  With the winter weather, that is not always possible but as soon as I can I go.  Somehow I feel better going there to spend a few minutes with him.  I know this is stupid but it is what helps me a little bit.  

 

I wish I could tell you that you would feel better soon, but you may not.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on January 12, 2011 at 8:25pm

Kay, Thank you for your reply.  I cant go to church either and I dont know why.  My pastor says Im mad at god but Im not i just feel like I have nothing to pray for anymore.  I begged god not to take Frank and he didnt listen so what would I pray for now?   Other people get miracles why not us?  Frank wanted to live so badly and it is so unfair.  I hope we find peace somewhere.  I wish I would dream and Frank would tell me hes OK. One moment at a time. That is how we have to live now.  My best to you Kay! Love Renee

Kay Arcuni said:

Renee, you are not crazy, I haven't been here in awhile, but reading your message is how I have felt since the holidays.  Like there is something I should be doing but I don't know what it is, and it scares the hell out of me that it might be something important.  I know that I have to finish selling the equipment from my husband business to help make ends meet but I can't and I don't want to.  I might be wrong but I think it's fear, I have never been alone and when I was afraid Joe was always here with a hug and to tell me it was going to be ok.

The other night I had a dream about Joe and I arguing about Church, but of course I woke up with out finding out what we were arguing about. I what to go to church but I can't I don't know why but I can't. I'm not mad at anyone but maybe myself for not knowing more about my husbands health and protecting him better, but i just don't know anything anymore. Sorry none of this is very helpful but, I will hope that you can find some peace and I hope that you feel better soon.  Kay 

Permalink Reply by Connie on January 13, 2011 at 2:57pm

Thanks Renee.  I, too, plan my life around the cemetery.  I make sure that I go there before I go anywhere else.  My husband is in a masoleum so I don't worry about the snow and the cemetery staff is great cleaning the roads and sidewalks.  Although I had 46+ years with my husband, I was not at all ready to give him up.  My heart is broken.  I live for the day that I am reunited with him.  I miss him so very much.  I feel so bad that you have young children that are suffering through this.  My youngest child is 22 and I know how she is hurting and I can't imagine what a 12 year old is feeling.  Surely, she does not understand why this happened to her.  I know that God does not want us to suffer but I don't understand why we are suffering.  Instead of learning to deal with my grief, I feel worse every day because it is one day longer since I was able to talk to him or touch him or just feel him near me.  I don't know if that makes any sense but it is what I am feeling.  I will keep you and your children in my prayers and hopefully one day we will all be able to deal with our losses.  God Bless you.

Renee Semo said:

Connie,

Thank you for your kind words.  I envy you that you had 46 years with your husband.  I only had 22 (we were married for 20).  Tomorrow is the anniversary of our first date 22 years ago.  I too feel like my life is over.  I do what I have to do but am a hollow shell of what I was before.  My baby is 12 and is hurting so much and it breaks my heart that I cant help her.  There is nothing I can say.  I told her today that daddy is with you all the time and she begged me to just let her see him and I had no words.  What do I say????  I know god is not a vengeful god and doesnt want us to suffer so they say but we are!  What did my kids do to deserve such pain.  My mission for tomorrow is to go right to the cemetery after I take my girls to school to shovel all the snow off of Franks grave.  I plan my life around getting to the cemetery.  I talk about moving away and then say to myself I would have to move Frank too.  Is this our life now??? Not what I ever thought it would be.  I wish you some peace and hope you find happiness whereever you can.  Love Renee

Connie said:

Renee,  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband of 46 years 14 months ago and I can tell you it does get harder day by day.  Some days it is almost unbearable.  I don't know if it will ever get easier but I know that as each day passes, it is one day longer since I held him and talked to him and just had him near me.  It hurts more and more.  I understand how your kids feel about you getting sick.  I have three daughters and they are constantly calling and checking on me and if I do not answer the phone, they start calling each other and if none knows where I am, they start to panic.  

 

Renee, you are not "nuts."  You will take care of things as you are ready to do them.  I had to change the title on the car because the insurance company was pushing it.  I didn't know that after 30 days, I was not legally able to use the car.  I did use it but when I found it out, I had to take care of it.  Other than that, I have not taken his name off of anything.  I don't know when or if I will be able to do it.  

 

I don't know why God takes one and leaves the other.  I wait for the day that I am reunited with my husband, when I will lay at his side.  I have to go through the motions of living but my life ended when he passed.  Renee, only people who have lived through the loss of a spouse can understand what we are going through.  People say that they understand but they don't.  They can't.  I try to go to the cemetery every day.  With the winter weather, that is not always possible but as soon as I can I go.  Somehow I feel better going there to spend a few minutes with him.  I know this is stupid but it is what helps me a little bit.  

 

I wish I could tell you that you would feel better soon, but you may not.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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