Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on November 24, 2010 at 10:08pm

Jerry, When my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer last year, I had this lady I work with come up to me and say " Lung cancer is the most painful way to die." I was shocked!! What a terrible thing to say to anybody. I took most of this year off to take care of Jim, so I didn't have to deal with her. After Jim passed away Oct. 21, I had to return to work. Needless to say, this ignorant lady came right up to me and said "I heard he was getting better, what happened?" I felt like screaming "He died" I now walk the other way when I see her. I'm sorry that your brother-inlaw is one of those insensitive people. The time will come for these people to walk in our shoes. Is it wrong for me to wish that they meet up with the same? take care.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on November 25, 2010 at 8:00am

Hello Barbara, I don't wish bad things for anyone. If someone says something inappropriate, I think that is most times just ingnorance of our situation and feelings with no harm intended.Most people if they have anyone close to them will be in our shoes someday,but I would never say anything to them when it does happen to try and get backat them. Best thing as you say if just to avoid contact with people like this as much as possible. Regards,Jerry.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on November 25, 2010 at 1:33pm

Jerry,

Keep in mind that people who have not experienced the tragedy of losing a spouse are clueless to our feelings and emotions. That is no excuse, but they have no idea what we are going through. And this is your wife's brother -- he lost a sister and is probably grieving in his own way. What you will soon discover is that you will say and do things out of the norm as you travel this path of grief. And you won't remember half of it. I am so sorry for your loss. Like you I also took care of my dear Douglas for years before he passed. It is hard and many people feel that since we were caregivers that we grieved our soon to be loss way before the person actually left. Not so. I grieved the loss of the Douglas I had married as his illness took away his ability to do things for himself, was taking his mind slowly but surely, but he was still here physically and I could hold him, talk to him, see recognition in his eyes, his smile. Once the physical person is gone our true grief starts. Those of us on this site understand all of that. I am not judging your brother-in-law or condoning his statement. But I am asking you to reconsider the circumstance when you are in a better place with your grief. He lost someone he loved too. We all grieve differently and we all say really bizarre stuff (even when we aren't grieving). You sound like a good person. Find it in your heart to reconsider and to forgive. May you find peace as you find your new normal. I will be thinking of you!

In peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on November 26, 2010 at 12:08pm

Well Jerry nobody says you have to like your relatives. It also sounds like he never really was one of the most favorite people in your life. We all have so much other stuff to deal with right now, you probably don't need the hassle of trying to be nice to someone out of obligation, it's hard enough being nice to people that say stupid stuff out of ignorance, them you can forgive. Good luck!

Permalink Reply by Jerry on December 18, 2010 at 2:06pm

          I  wrote about this subject almost a month ago,then last night I recieved a phone call from a friend of my late wife. They had been friends since early childhhood, although in the last 20 or so years didnt see much of each other due to her living in another state, they did call each other every  few month or so.Usually she told my wife about her problems.

    I had spoken to her in the summer, she called to tell me she remarried, it is her 4th time, other marriages ended in divorce. She called because it was Christmas time and wanted to see how I was doing, and told me how much she missed my wife. Then she told me how good I was to my wife and wished that I would someday mmet another woman, that would be good to me. I told her that was not in my plans. She then asked if I had did anything with my wifes belongings ,I told her they are just were she left them. She offered to come over in the spring and help me if I wanted. I told her it would not be needed. She then asked if I would give her a piece of my wifes jewelery to remember her by. My wife was not into jewelery, mainly just costume jewlery,except for her engagement and wedding band. Not sure if I should send her something my daughter doesn't want just to shut her up. She them mentioned again about hoping I find another woman to keep me company ,I again told her it will never happen.  I think I should just loose her number, and ignore any future calls from her.  About ten years ago when my mother inlaw passd away, this womans mother told my wife that her mother always said that if she had an extra thousand dollars she would love to give it to her. My wife just let it pass,but we did say to each other,she had some nerve saying that.I guess her daughter is just like her. I wrote this because the phone call has been bothering me all day,just like some opinions.I know if I tell my daugher,she would call her up and tell her off.Best to keep it to myself and avoid any trouble?

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on December 19, 2010 at 12:09am

You know Jerry some people are just plain dumb and always stick their foot in their mouth.  This woman sounds like she doesn't have a clue.  I would ignore her comments and not bother telling your daughter about the call and just forget the whole thing happened.  I definitely wouldn't send her any jewellery, I think she is just out to see what she can get.  That is only my opinion, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over this woman.