My name is Alexandra and I lost the love of my life on 12/31/2012 to a horrible accident.
He was 32 I am 39 and had been together for 7 years 9 month 3 days and had planned on getting married eventually. He asked me to marry him several times over the years and i always said yes but in the end we thought we had all the time in the world. I mean we were supposed to grow old together for crying out loud.
He was a wonderful amazing funny happy generous gorgeous handsome sweet man and he loved me unconditionally all flaws included. He captured my heart within days of meeting him and we were inseparable from then on. He stole my heart and I was happy to give it to him.
He is my Love, My Life, my Person, my best Friend, my Soul Mate, my Everything.....
I still cannot believe he is gone. Most days it feels so unreal, like a bad dream I am hoping to wake up from. Other days it feels like our relationship was so far in the past or worse not real at all. Like I have just been remembering this wonderful movie I watched, not remembering the life I really had. If that makes any sense.
Life just does not have any meaning anymore. I wake up, I go to work, I pay the bills, I survive day after day. While all along crying , screaming, venting, begging for his return, some days even thinking I hear him come up the steps walking into the house any minute.
I want him back. I don't want to live any longer without him. He promised he would always be there for me and never ever leave me. He was there for me in good and bad times, stood by my side through medical issues, being broke and jobless and many other trials of life. No matter what happened he was always the one thing I could count on in life. And now he is gone............
I feel like someone has torn half my body parts from me and left me standing lost in a dark forest, bleeding from my wounds, wounds to big to ever heal. Waiting for the wildlife to smell the blood and finish of the rest of me.Gosh I wish someone would.....
On top of everything I am in a court battle with his "mother" , yes I use the term loosely, because she took all decisions from me ( no marriage yet) and decided she was going to not only donate his body to science but also "throw away" his remains. I asked her for them since she did not want them and she took me to court....So here I am...
Sorry for the long rant, and if your still reading this, thank you.
I am lost and I don't know what to do now...
Alexandrea ... I am so sorry you have lost the love of your life and we all know just how you feel. This forum is wonderful place to come and vent and no one will judge you and please know that now you are an addition to this extended family of angels always helping each other through the rough spots of grieving.
My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 at the age of 65 from pancreatic cancer and he too was the love of my life, my best friend and soul mate. Even at our ages we thought we had all the time in the world and often told each other there wasn't a thing this world could throw at us as long as we were together. I miss him to this day with every breath I take. Even to this day I sometimes feel it's all a bad joke and he's just been away on a trip and coming home.
Many of us always think we have all the time in the world when we have met the one we love, but, death knows no age limit unfortunately. You described exactly that what has happened to our loved ones is like watching a movie, but realize it's not at all. All the feelings you describe, the crying, begging and sometimes even making deals with God that you'd do anything to have your loved one back is very normal in grieving, but certainly doesn't help the feeling your heart is broken and part of your spirit has gone with them. Grieving leaves us torn, battered, feelings of not wanting to be here and joining them because life seems so empty without them. His promise to be with you has not really changed; only changed physically, but many of us believe their spirit is close and watching over us. One day the grief will lessen a little, enough so you can continue to move forward into the future although it doesn't seem so at this time in your life. Our loved ones leave us with so much wisdom which I feel we should pass onto to others. They learned valuable lessons from us and we learned from them.
I am so sorry his mother is giving you such a rough time, but unfortunately it's not that uncommon. Try to remember she is grieving for her son while you are grieving for the love of your life. If life were fair it should bring the two of you closer together and not farther apart because he chose you to love. It may very well be a good thing that his mother is taking you to court because if he didn't leave specific instructions in a Will after death the judge may just go in your favor considering his mother doesn't want his remains after certain organs are donated. There is always hope for that hon.
You certainly aren't ranting at all and I hope you continue to come onto this wonderful sight full of fantastic people feeling just like you and when one of us falls others are there to pick them up. If it weren't for this forum I doubt I could have made it this far. It's still tough, but I take one day at a time and try to do my best in memory of my husband.
What you do is grieve, cry, get angry if need be, try to get some grief counseling and keep posting here.
Big hugs (because you need one)
Thank you for your kind words. I know what you mean, everyone keeps telling me it will get better but it isn't. The physical pain was a big surprise, it felt like someone reached into my chest and just squeezed hard. And even though that pain has lessened a bit it still hurts a lot. I used to be this truly happy person, just being near my Chris would make me happy. Now I feel empty, I have no will to live. I keep thinking: Why should I? What for? My reason for living is gone. He was the best. He treated me like with so much love and respect and made it a point to show me daily how much he loved me in so many different ways.there will never be another like him. And now he is gone.........
If it wasn't for the pesky bills needing to get paid i would have loved to stayed away from work a lot longer. but since his death was sudden there was no back up plan and I had to return to work 2 weeks later.
I hate my new existence!!!
I am so sorry his mother did this to you. You deserve to have his remains, marriage or not.And for her to hand him out to everyone else is just despicable. He was and remains yours, you had his heart and he had yours and no one should have the right to seperate you even in death.
Hugs to you
thank you. At first i thought she was grieving. So when she took over everything( and technically she had the right because she was his legal blood relative) I said nothing. I assumed she had his best interest at heart, he was her only son after all. And i always assumed she would end up with his remains, keep them for herself or place him somewhere nice.But it hurt that she did not bother to ask my opinion. We spent the last 8 years of his life together and i knew him better then she did. We talked about his hopes and dreams and wishes. She saw him twice a year. He was MINE. I knew what he wanted done with his body and tried to tell her but she would not listen. She called me AFTER she had the medical examiner release signed and his body donated to some science lab and told me matter of factly that this will be done her way. And still I thought it was her grief and I let it go. But then I found out that she lied to me about the details of where he was going and what would happen to his remains. She signed a papaer saying she DID NOT wish to have his remains returned to her after they where done with him. She wanted them to dispose of him according to there regulations.I thought to myself, great i can have him back so i asked the lab. They told me all she needed to do was sign ONE piece of paper and he would be returned to me.She refused.
At this point it is no longer grief with her, it is spite. Spite that he found a woman he loved and no longer needed mommy to take care of him. A woman that made him truly happy.
She went so far as to tell the judge that she did not want me to recieve even a spoonful of his ashes. She was his mother and she had every right to toss him out. What a B*****.
Hopefully the judge was able to see what kind of person she is. I brought Chris' 14 year old daughter with me who also begged the judge to give his remains to her, I had his best friend there who testified that Chris wanted his ashes spread with mine, and there was a heartfelt letter to his mom from me I wrote in the very beginning begging her to let me have him since she did not want him. I hope he will be returned to us......
Thanks for the hug. I needed it
I am so sorry you have to fight a future MIL as well. I don't understand what makes people do the things they do. Did they not understand how much we loved there children? That we would give our lives to have theres returned. I know Chris' mother is blaming me for his death and I know she never liked the fact that he found love, and was not dependend on her anymore.In her mind I guess I was replacing her in a way and I guess she could not take the fact that he loved another woman different but more then his mother.He was her only son and I get that, but to hurt me just to proof that she is still in charge over him is pure spite.
I wish I could find this magical corner you speak off, cause this existence is more then i can handle. I never felt this way before and it is a horrific pain. I think of him every minute of every day and I want him back. Even now 5 month later I am hoping for him to just walk in the door and tell me it was all just a big joke. Oh how I wish.....
And I know that he is dead, I know his body is still in Miami at the lab until the court decides, I know if he comes back to me it will be in a box, but oh boy do I wish someone would just wake me up from this nightmare....
Andrea ... I am so sorry your love's mother is so spiteful and yes, it does sound as if she wanted him all to herself and was upset she had lost out to you. From what you are telling me as to what you did and the witnesses you stand a good chance of getting the remains of your sweetheart. She doesn't want them so why not give them to you and I believe a judge will vote yes to that. Please keep us informed.
Could you tell me the city you live in and I'll check out common-law marriage as each state is different. Hopefully, you live in a State that after so many years you are considered married so that would make you his next of kin. Not trying to get personal, but just trying to help you get his ashes. Please try to forgive this grieving mother in time because she is living in a spiteful hell of her own. Losing a child no matter what their age is horrific. You may never be friends and you were very sweet towards her, but forgiveness does set you free. Remember that he is with you in spirit and the body is but a vessel and you have all those memories kept in a special part of your heart that she can never take away from you.
Here's another big bear hug to help you through the rough times.
Alexandra ... Your grief is still very raw hon. It takes time and there is no set time to get over grief. Sometimes you may feel like someone has repeatedly hit you with a 2 x 4 (aches and pains), not being able to sleep or insomnia, some feel nauseated, anxious and depressed, but these are all normal feelings of grieving for your loved one.
Why should you keeping living? Think of how wonderful he was to you and how he idolized you and what he taught you. He was kind, gentle, loving, caring and gave so much to you, but I am sure he was a kind person to others and he taught you so much so you need to move forward in his memory and pass that onto others to keep that light shining on the man he was. He would want you to go on (until you meet again) and be happy and one day in the future you will find your place in life and be able to complete his wishes. I know right now you don't feel you can get through a day, but we've all felt that yet here we are. Many of us have bad days, but there are also good days. For now take those baby steps of grief and let yourself cry (good to relax your body) and try to get as much rest as you can and try to eat as best you can. I know I've had people tell me that and I do try. My small family and some loyal friends who have stuck by me don't dare tell me when I should be getting over my grief as they know I'll become very angry. I've lived in this body of mine (had a tough life) and at my age I think I know myself well enough as to when I am over the worst of my grief. You don't love someone with all your heart and soul and then simply shut them out of your life. So take your time hon, but never give up hope for some happiness for yourself.