Today it was 15 months since my husband passed. For the very first time I went to visit the cemetery by myself. I usually went with a sister or sister-in-law and while I really appreciated their time and efforts I couldn't really do anything to grieve the way I would have wanted. Last year at this time it was too soon for me so it would be emotionally very difficult to go through with going by myself. During the Summer of 2010 my sister stopped there whenever she gave me a ride to my grief meeting at Hospice. And during the Fall and Winter months it was always either snowing or raining. So, today, I took the bus to the next town, I walked down the street and it was long but I walked at my own pace. I didn't know what to expect, but while walking there, and while sitting on the blanket that I brought with me, I tried to talk to Danny but all I could do was weep silently. I still can't believe he's not here any more. Intellectually, I am fully aware, but it's hard to fathom that now I'm praying to him in a way rather than talking to him face to face. I walked the long way back after sitting on the ground, trying to figure out my life and why I should have any interests beyond 'our time' together. I couldn't think of an answer, so I walked about a half a mile to the bus stop and went home. Being Good Friday and also that it was the 22nd of the month (which was the date he passed as well as the same day, Friday) I fasted all day. I liked it just being him and me and that I could cry without onlookers or sympathizers. I don't know if he heard me or not, but it was just something I had to do, to talk to him, as that was the closest in proximity to him that I have been in these past 15 months. I just wanted to be near him. So, just another day? I don't think so. I just wanted to share these moments with understanding friends.
At the moment I have no where to go to just "talk" with Bill. I do it here in the house while I am in bed watching the seasons of HBO Dvd's that we are supposed to be watching together. I lay with his picture propped on the pillow next to me and watch them, imagining his reaction to what is happening in the show. You see, we were supposed to watch all of these together, and there are lots!! We never got around to watching them, so now I am and hopefully he is with me. The burial hasn't happened yet, so when it does, I am hoping this will be a place I can go and still feel him with me,, just be with him even though it is going to be another heart wrenching day in this miserable thing we called life. It's only been a month, so I can't imagine making it to 15 months like you. I commend you for your strength and hope that I can be as strong.
It sounds like you had that necessary time alone to grieve the loss of your husband. I am glad you have had family willing to be with you through the last 15 months, but you are right we need our alone time too to grieve this significant loss. You had to go through quite a bit to do that (taking the bus, walking, etc.). That in itself is quite something. I am glad it was precious time for you to grieve this loss. The date, day of the week also is significant. We do need that alone time though - I have a little picture that has this on it "Let us be silent that we may hear the whispers of God." I believe that God is near to the brokenhearted and carries us in these times so we need to be alone with Him. May you be blessed today and continue to find comfort as you work through these difficult feelings of loss and lonliness.
Suzanne, that sounds like a serene way to spend your day with your loved one. Just beautiful. And a long walk is never a bad idea if you can handle it physically; it gives you time to reflect & to meditate, or to have that heart to heart with your loved one or God or both. I am so glad to hear that you did that- you needed that, and how fitting that it was on Good Friday...
Thank you for sharing this with us~ Hugs, Christy
There are many days for you to go through, we can only take this road one day at a time. I know how hard it is. I myself have been despairing and despondent even though I tried outwardly to change, inside I am still the same. I went to church meetings which led to a retreat (I don't know what came over me to say that I would go, but this is something that Danny at one time said he wanted to go to when we seen it on our church bulletin) and I went thinking he may have wanted me to go for the both of us. Within a week later I had my hair lightened and permed. I keep making these decisions without him but I still feel cheated out of his companionship, I don't care how adult or mature I'm doing independent of him. I have been doing as you have, I think, deep in a quandry about a lack of direction and living without him, I feel I'm going insane even though to others I know they think I'm doing fine, but I'm not. I also have my 8 year old grandson's 1st communion on May 1st and I'm babysitting he and his 1 and a half year old sister on June 18th. I hate to admit this, but I'm just looking forward to getting past these days, because Danny isn't here with me and so I really know what you mean and I am so sorry for what you are going through too. I also have medical and emotional issues and not feeling well, which is why I haven't called you but I promise I will when I'm feeling better. I will keep praying for you and I am shocked about what you are facing and I had no idea, I always keep you in my daily prayers but I will especially pray for this situation about your foot and hope you don't have to have it done or for the strength to endure. I am so sorry you are going through this alone and hope you have support from family and friends. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I thought the tooth pain I was feeling was bad and that I had to wait 2 months just for my local dental center to just examine me, I didn't know how I was going to continue with this pain without anything to take, because my insurance doesn't cover fillings anymore, so I may have to have it extracted unless I can get approval for a filling (which is unlikely but I have to have some hope) and I thought Danny not being with me was bad enough. Any time I am having difficulty I will give up this pain for you. I know it's not much, but you are going through far worse and I just wish I could take your pain away. I will call sometime soon and I will pray for you.
P. S. I really hope you have some kind of peace on your birthday and your family's special days. I believe you need one another even though I know it's so hard. Take care.