I've been wanting to express what I have been experiencing lately especially last night.  It was last year on January 22, 2010 that my husband passed away.  Last year it was on a Friday so last night I have been going through the feelings I should have gone through that night when all his family were here.  Four of his sisters, his nephew, our older son was here when Danny breathed his last, our son's wife came a few hours later, and our other son and his fiance was here earlier with their son who was 7 at the time and their 7 day old baby, who our younger son picked her up for his Dad to see her and Danny kept looking at our precious newborn granddaughter, her older brother, our son and our son's fiance, Dan's head turning to look at them again.  There were here, but left to go back to where they live about 25 or 30 miles away.  During the early morning I called our younger son, to let him know as I told everyone else when I called them that the Hospice nurse said it could be tomorrow or it could be 11 days.  In my mind I remembered her saying another time that it could be another 3 months, so of course I thought he'll be here for that much longer.  But the inevitable happened while everyone was here, except for our younger son and his family, Danny was breathing steadily and stopped and started again.  He breathed evenly, he stopped and his lips parted and he wouldn't start breathing again like I thought he would.  Just about 3 feet away, with pen in hand, while I was writing the schedule of medications I would be orally administering to him, as he wasn't taking all 10 meds any more, I really thought I would be continuing to give him these last 3 meds, as I Had been for the past 3 or 4 weeks, taking care of him, feeding him cream of wheat, or orange sherbet, holding his hand, looking into his eyes, telling him I loved him, but when he had his last breath last year on January 22, 2010, early Friday morning at 3:30 a.m. in actual time, but 5:40 a.m. was the time the nurse arrived to check his pulse which was their official time for the certificate.

 

Weeks before this, Danny as I thought of it as chiding me, when he was able to talk and get around and when he used to sit on the couch leaning on pillows to get comfortable, and said, "Now, if anything happens to me, do like the nurse said and don't be hysterical, just call Hospice." (sort of like Archie Bunder would say to Edith) I just laughed.  Danny always had humor in him.  I remembered that I was somewhat annoyed when his time came that I wasn't holding his hand or even lying with him, embracing him like others I've heard about had done, I just stared and one of Dan's sisters had to tell me to call the Hospice Nurse, and I said "What for?" Even then, I still couldn't believe.  I stood very still, everyone was silent, being in the moment, while each of his sisters were quietly wiping their tear-stained cheeks, but not a whimper from me.  I just wouldn't leave his side, all I could think of doing was stroking his hair.  Later, while waiting for the funeral director, I called our younger son to tell him, and I tried to comfort him.  Two of my sisters came very early, an hour before the man from the funeral home came and my sisters stayed with me while Dan's sisters all left one by one.  From the moment the doctor told us on December 18th of 09' that the second round of treatments didn't get the reoccurance of cancer, he didn't know where the cancer would go next, nor did he know how long Danny had and fast forward to about a month after the wake, church service, interment, and family get-together my brain was in a fog.  I couldn't have been hysterical as my body was protecting me from all that, by relaxing my brain to think only in cognitive terms.

 

But last night, I was somewhat hysterical, crying the way I would have if I was here alone with Danny because it was a Friday night last year that he passed, and I feel the need for only those who would understand to know my experience of last night.  It was during the final episode of "Medium" when I had burst into tears during the show and especially at the end.  It was as if Allison was me, and her Joe was my Danny, telling me he'd always love me and when she became an elderly woman they were joined together as when they were young at heart again.  I just couldn't stop weeping and sobbing and saying to no one in particular, "How could this happen?", "It's not true." "I don't want to live without you to be an old woman" although during this past year I have already said these words dozens of times.  But last night I was able to mourn him in the same place where he died last year for the last time.

 

After July 1st, when a 1 bedroom becomes available I have to move from the only safe and secure haven I have known with all his memories I had while living here with Danny and our 2 sons who grew up in this 2 bedroom apartment for 30 years.  I obtained a letter from my therapist, my primary doctor and I myself wrote a 3-page letter of why it would be a harm to me and it would cause anxiety for me to move from this apartment. 

The girl who works in the office here in our apartment complex came across my name when she happened to discover I was 'overhoused,' and later that week I gave her the verification papers and my letter to fax to the corporate office for them to determine my tenancy all to no avail.  Two days before Christmas I received the letter in my mailbox,  It stated in the letter that they would allow me to live here for 6 months, but on July 1st as soon as a 1 bedroom is availabale I have to get all the stuff we accumulated during our 30 year stay and stuff it into a 1 bedroom apartment.  Now, I fully realize that thousands, millions of others have gone through worse devastation and upheaval and anguish.  I just have this need to own my pain, in which my therapist told me that my anger is understandable because one of the basic emotional needs humans have is to be in control.  She understands, but there are others who don't get it.  I kind of knew that all of you here would understand my pain.

 

I know I wrote about this situation before and the point I was trying to make was that this will be the last and final time I will be able to be at the place where my beloved Danny breathed his last breath because I have to move.  So, it is particularly sad for me and I am overcome with the emotional loss of having to grieve over his memories where we had been living.

 

I don't know what it will be like next year.  I'm not looking forward to all the tomorrows and certainly living without his memory of walking through the living room and kitchen and bedroom, remember him as he groomed his hair and saying, "are you coming to bed?" as we walked from the bathroom to our room.  It won't be the same when I was on the computer and he would say, "Are you coming out to watch TV with me?" and I'd say, "I'll be right there.  And he would be making me coffee in the kitchen because he always made the best cup of coffee and served me dessert, he just had coffee.  How can I leave here?  I would be doing dishes and he would all of a sudden start talking to me because I didn't hear his stocking feet walk from behind me and I'd be startled and jump, which in turn would make him jump.  He'd say, "Don't do that" and I'd say "You made me jump" and we'd end up laughing with an embrace.  How can I leave here?

 

Today I went to 2 Masses I had arranged to be said in his memory.  The first was one of solitude.  At the other Mass, family members came, and after the Mass, it was all of us talking to each other, saying to one another, "I didn't know you'd be here." And it was a good feeling to be surrounded by loved ones.  We went out after, but I still came home alone, and I feel empty but a little peaceful inside.  Well, the first anniversary is done, the year of firsts is over, but what about tomorrow?  I'm not looking foward to the rest of my life.  I really hope and pray I don't live to be 95 as Allison did in "Medium" and whether I remember Danny or not, how can life be good without him?  Life will never be the same.  I hope everyone else is having a better day.

God bless,

Suzanne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Replies to This Discussion

I understand your position Suzanne. I have never known a time in my adult life with out my wife until now, I will be 49 this coming Monday. We were a couple before my 18th birthday and had been living together since 8 days after the day I turned 18. We shared the highs and the lows, been through the hardships of loosing everything we had due to several natural disasters (hurricanes). After the last one we decided to try to make a new life in another state. The economy hindered that a great deal but we were together and that was all that mattered to us, we had each other. We spent every possible moment together, always!

Through all her health issues over the years (Epilepsy, Broken Bones form Seizures, Kidney Failures from the Epilepsy Meds, Etc.) I never thought about being apart, I never dreamed I would be alone. She was diagnosed with Lung and Abdominal Cancer on Sept. 8, 2010 and spent all of Sept in the hospital with a variety of related health problems. She came home Oct. 4th, 2010 which was a good month for her as was the first half of Nov. but she slid down hill quickly. She drew her last breathe in my arms on Nov. 27, 2010 @ 8:28 a.m., her life ended at that moment and mine, as I knew it, did too. She was the only woman I cared for more then my mother in my entire life.

I look at some of my friends marriages and wonder if they are as caring, devoted, in love, or dependent on their wives as I was, it does not seem it most times. I have told several they should cherish every moment they have together but they will never understand until their time to deal with this never ending sadness comes. It is a shame that we must go through this and that most people can not understand how unbearable it is until they are faced with it too.

I must close now because I can not see the monitor through my tears.

Best Wishes for Happiness and Hugs to All,

Pete

Dear Pete,

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this very difficult time from the loss of your wife and I will remember you in my prayers.  It is devastating to watch our loved ones go through to their end.  I think I may be even more heartbroken then I am to have Danny in my arms while he breathed his last.  I'm sorry to say I must go as I have broken down myself.  I would have liked to have given you a longer message but it is just too hard to think about our losses.  Please take care.

God bless you,

Suzanne

Pete & Suzanne,

My goodness I think sometimes our tears could flood the world! Yesterday rain & tears were pouring down. As I drove home I kept thinking I should pull over because I was blind from tears and the wipers couldn't move any faster.  It occurred to me that all the tears that fell had made their way back toward heaven (as we all know rain moves in this cycle) but that heaven knows no pain or sorrow, so they are forced back down upon us. Silly thought but that's what it really felt like to me. Today has been a bit better yet my eyes burn this very moment from all the tears today. God bless us & keep us- may we grow stronger & better able to help others through difficult times. HUGS, Christy

Suzanne said:

Dear Pete,

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this very difficult time from the loss of your wife and I will remember you in my prayers.  It is devastating to watch our loved ones go through to their end.  I think I may be even more heartbroken then I am to have Danny in my arms while he breathed his last.  I'm sorry to say I must go as I have broken down myself.  I would have liked to have given you a longer message but it is just too hard to think about our losses.  Please take care.

God bless you,

Suzanne

Hi Suzanne, I see a lot of us are feeling the same way, not imagining going through the rest of our lives without our loved ones.  Added to that them making you move.  I know how hard that will be for you.  I hope you can find a way to stay there.

 

I can't imagine getting to the year anniversary.  It's been 4 months since Dale passed away.  I don't cry every day, but the joy is gone from my life.  I feel like I am just existing now. 

 

I would for sure to take lots of pictures inside your home if you do have to leave it.  Or a video. 

 

My prayers are with you, may God give us all some peace.

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