It's been 5 weeks.

I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I just found this site and have been reading some of your posts. My heart goes out to all of you. My husband was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors said he probably had about 18 months to live. That was almost 5 years ago. I feel so blessed that we had so much more time than predicted. He was so positive and carried on his life as if nothing was wrong. I think during those 5 years I was mentally preparing for the time when I would be alone. The last 6 weeks when he was bedridden I was able to care for him at home with the help of Hospice. It's so hard to see the one you love in pain and it was very difficult to see him slowly waste away the last few weeks. At that point I was praying for him to go because I couldn't stand to see him suffer. However since his passing I have been okay. I love him and miss him but I don't feel devastated and I feel GUILTY that I'm able to carrry on so well. I have been very busy and I'm sure that helps ........but still...... it kind of makes me wonder if I'm a "cold hearted person" because I'm not feeling "broken and lost" like many others do when their spouse passes away.

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Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on June 7, 2012 at 1:29pm

We all deal with our loss in different ways. I found that in the first few months after I was just too busy most of the time to notice my Rose was missing. At least during the day time hours this was the case, at night and in the mornings however it was a much different situation.

My wife was diagnosed and gone in less then 3 months, the cancer went undiagnosed for years, more then a month of that she was hospitalized in ICU. We had little time to plan, make arrangements, or spend together. I do not know if it made a difference in how I feel now or felt before. I know only that I miss here with every fiber of my being and struggle with my emotions every day.

The time we spent together was wonderful, the time we now spend apart is what tortures our souls.

Permalink Reply by vickie on June 7, 2012 at 3:26pm

I understand how you feel i also took care of my husband at home with Hospice with cancer sometime i think

we are griving as we are caring for the one we love i to keep very busy maybe so i dont have to think about my husband death we was married for 40 years he was my like but we have to keep going on living im not saying it has been easy i miss he every day but it is getting better i have bad day but i know thats ok

my friend pray for me and i know thats helps

my prayers go out to you Vickie

Permalink Reply by vickie on June 7, 2012 at 3:26pm

I understand how you feel i also took care of my husband at home with Hospice with cancer sometime i think

my friend pray for me and i know thats helps

my prayers go out to you Vickie

Permalink Reply by vickie on June 7, 2012 at 3:26pm

I understand how you feel i also took care of my husband at home with Hospice with cancer sometime i think

my friend pray for me and i know thats helps

my prayers go out to you Vickie

Permalink Reply by Barbara Wasilewski on June 7, 2012 at 3:32pm

Kelitie,

It will be 3 years in Oct.that I lost my husband to cancer. He was diagnosed in 2005.

He was in remission for 2 years after having a lung removed.

You are not cold hearted as you had lots of time to prepare for his death.

The last 7 months of my husbands life were terrible.

To watch him suffer was not easy.

How long were you married? It was 32 years for me.

Don't feel guilty.

Hugs to you.

Barbara

Permalink Reply by Jerry on June 7, 2012 at 3:49pm

My wife passed way 2 1/2 years ago due to cancer,so I know how it feels seeing some one that was a short time ago so full of life slip away from you and you can't do anything to save them. I read the post here and on another widowed site and do feel guilt because I am somewhat able to go on with my life in a fairly normal manner. I will say that a few things have changed, one is I don't care to go to family functions, I have no patience for people telling my of their to me minor problems, and I have not moved my wife's things that were hanging behind our bedroom door or gotten rid of any of her clothes. I don't cry in public, don't think I even cried at the funeral or church.my wife you to kid me and say I was like Spock on Star Trek, and had no emotions. But I know inside I am hurting.

Permalink Reply by Karen Gleave on June 7, 2012 at 10:09pm

You are not cold-hearted at all, and please do not worry about what others think.

I lost my husband in December - he'd been chronically ill for almost a year but we were still expecting a discharge from hospital about two weeks before he died. He'd seemed relatively stable, but then suddenly complication-after-complication came crashing down. It happens, unfortunately.

I came back to work after a few weeks, and found out that quite a few co-workers had been gossiping about how cold-hearted I must be, to be returning to work this quickly. While I wasn't as prepared as you must have been - this was still the best decision for me. I wasn't in denial at all, but I needed to feel "normal" to an extent. I will never feel the same connection to these co-workers as I once did.

Good wishes to you.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 8, 2012 at 4:19am

Hi Keltie

My deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. It is a blessing when they pass away because as we both know watching a loved one suffer without quality of life is sometimes too much to handle. My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic/liver cancer. I watched him wither away before my eyes even before he got into hospital. They were going to do 'wipple surgery' on him, but the type of cancer he had prevented it. He suffered for so long and was left with little dignity. The surgeon we had was suppose to release him to the Hospice weeks before he was finally released after I had to bully the surgeon into it. Unfortunately, I was very angry Ernie and I had little time together. He was sent to Hospice on April 26, 2011 and passed away at 6:30 AM on April 27th. I wasn't even told they didn't think he would make it through the night and was angry about that as he had been looking forward to me spending the day and overnight with him the next day. I felt so much was stolen from me, but now, I feel blessed to have known him for 45 years and married to him almost 39 years and that is more than most people get.

No, you are not cold hearted at all. I do believe when we see our spouse suffer and wane away that we pray hard that they will pass away and be out of pain because we love them. My husband was worried about me (bless his heart) and I gave him permission to leave and told him I would be just fine. Once they are gone it is almost a mountain lifted from one's shoulders. However, Ernie was suppose to be able to come home and never made it so it was a big shock to me and I've been through hell, but a little better this year.

You may be surprised to find further down the line that you will grieve for him in your own way. You loved him; were there for him and the control was out of your hands just like the rest of us had to go through and I found that the hardest thing to take as I was able to control his other health issues.

You are simply happy your spouse is out of pain and at peace and there is nothing wrong with feeling like a mountain has been lifted from your shoulders because caregivers give their all. You are a realist like myself and we realize our spouses are not coming back; we are alive and we have to move forward in their memory.

Hugs

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Mike Sweeney on June 10, 2012 at 8:44pm

Keltie,

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband, but take a good sense of sincere warmth knowing he is a peace and no longer enduring pain or suffering. A five year battle is a long and courageous fight. Your feelings of guilt will reside as you process through your healing. We all feel guilt over something during our healing. I could feel guilt just to smile some days. Laughing was a difficult feeling that would bring guilt.

I'm sure you endured much sacrifice in your life during your five years of caring for your husband. The time spent planning for an inevitable day has most likely helped in your ability to carry on. Not feeling broken and lost I hope will make you realize how well you did care and plan. It's not guilt or cold hearted, I would take time to reflect back on all the time you put in to prepare yourself for his passing.

I know there were no cold hearted feelings during that time. Bless you for all the things you did to help make is final years/months/days all they could be.

All the best,

Mike

Permalink Reply by Cathy on June 11, 2012 at 12:00am

Keltie - I tried to respond to you, but don't see my reply posted - so here goes again. Everyone grieves in their own way and the process is different for everyone. I was numb for the first year after my husband died. Then extreme sadness, anger, all kinds of feelings hit. He had colon cancer for 4 years before he died at 47. That was 4 and half years ago. Losing a spouse that way and so young (at least it was young to us) is very difficult. You lose all your dreams and hopes for the future and I had to raise our child alone. Our young son was 13 and not at an easy age anyway. My son is 18 now and is just experiencing some deep grief about his father at this time. All the milestones are hard to go through alone. You are not cold hearted. There were times throughout my husband's illness with all the trips to doctors, surgery, recovery, chemo, radiation, sick, sick, sick, that I wished it was over. But I had not fully comprehended that when it was over he would be GONE for good. That is what I regret. Wishing it was over. Now I know I just wanted our old life back before the cancer. I wish a happy life and peace for all the good souls that cared for someone who they loved who was sick -for I truly know it was not easy.

Permalink Reply by Cathy on June 11, 2012 at 12:05am

Karen Gleave said:

You are not cold-hearted at all, and please do not worry about what others think.

I lost my husband in December - he'd been chronically ill for almost a year but we were still expecting a discharge from hospital about two weeks before he died. He'd seemed relatively stable, but then suddenly complication-after-complication came crashing down. It happens, unfortunately.

I came back to work after a few weeks, and found out that quite a few co-workers had been gossiping about how cold-hearted I must be, to be returning to work this quickly. While I wasn't as prepared as you must have been - this was still the best decision for me. I wasn't in denial at all, but I needed to feel "normal" to an extent. I will never feel the same connection to these co-workers as I once did.

Good wishes to you.

Permalink Reply by Cathy on June 11, 2012 at 12:06am

Cathy said:

Karen - So sorry you faced that - you find who is a true friend when you go through something like that - I was surprised who wasn't there for me and that is another source of grief. I ended up choosing to focus on the wonderful people who were there for me. But it took some time.

Karen Gleave said:

You are not cold-hearted at all, and please do not worry about what others think.

I lost my husband in December - he'd been chronically ill for almost a year but we were still expecting a discharge from hospital about two weeks before he died. He'd seemed relatively stable, but then suddenly complication-after-complication came crashing down. It happens, unfortunately.

I came back to work after a few weeks, and found out that quite a few co-workers had been gossiping about how cold-hearted I must be, to be returning to work this quickly. While I wasn't as prepared as you must have been - this was still the best decision for me. I wasn't in denial at all, but I needed to feel "normal" to an extent. I will never feel the same connection to these co-workers as I once did.

Good wishes to you.