It still doesn't seem real

My wife of 25 years passed away this year, Jan 14, 2016 in hospital. She went in healthy and happy for a simple gall bladder removal. In the past she had much more complicated surgeries, so we weren't too worried about this one. During surgery, the surgeon accidentally cut part of her small intestine. Without knowing it, he closed and sent her to observation. Instead of getting better, she got worse. 24 hours later, they took her back to surgery and found the problem. They repaired it as best they could, but she went into septic shock. She survived in ICU for 30 hours before she died.

Everything was a complete blur for me. This couldn't happen to my precious Kim. We were retired and things were going so well. Her 64 birthday and our anniversary were
Both less than a month away. It couldn't be real. it was so sudden and unexpected.

Now it's May, and I feel so lost, confused, and so unhappy. Everything reminds me of her. I still can't get through the day without crying and wailing several times. Nothing seems to make me happy. I'm only 62. I don't think I am suicidal, but its hard to imagine living the rest of my life without her. I love and miss her so much. I still talk to her as if she is still around. It's the only way I can get through the day. I've practically turned our whole house into a memorial alter, with her pictures and possessions everywhere. I'm lost.

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Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on May 3, 2016 at 10:25am

Dear Danny,

I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your beloved wife that has brought you here to this forum - my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband of 32 years, Larry, one year ago. All the feelings you describe are very familiar to me, and you are so fresh in your shocking loss and grief that everything you are feeling is completely understandable.

When I found this place, I was 8 months into my new life without Larry - I often thought I was losing my mind, and could not imagine any future happiness, or even peace, was ahead for me.

Danny, please believe me that there is a future for you - for us all. Not the one we planned, and not without loneliness and sadness, but one in which there will be some peace, and yes, even moments of happiness. This is just beginning to happen to me in small increments - but it is happening. So please know that the reason I am healing is directly a result of this family of caring understanding people who all know what we are going through. With our support and sharing of your grief, I pray that you will find with time some comfort and relief from the crushing loneliness and confusion that you are currently feeling. We're all here for each other, and if you let us, we'll be here for you whenever you reach out - that I promise to you.

Be gentle with yourself, and sending wishes for a peaceful day to you -

Chuck

Permalink Reply by Danny Davis on May 3, 2016 at 10:30am

thank you Chuck. I appreciate very much your kind words. I can better understand what I am going through when kind people like yourself share your experiences. Maybe there is hope, although it doesn't seem like it most of the time. Still so raw. Danny

Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on May 3, 2016 at 10:49am

Trust me, Danny, you have found the right place - just hold on through the worst of times and come here with your questioning and hopelessness and you will I assure you find strength, compassion - and the love of these beautiful souls. Your photos of your beautiful wife are very special - thank you for posting them my friend.

Love,

Chuck

Permalink Reply by Danny Davis on May 5, 2016 at 10:38am

Thank you Chuck. It feels somewhat better already to be able to talk to others who have suddenly loss someone they love very much, and was such a part of my life. I really appreciate your support and compassion. Thank you my friend, Danny

Permalink Reply by Harold McKinstry on May 3, 2016 at 10:49am

Danny

Sorry for your loss, I lost my wife January 29th, from what should have been a routine operation. She had a clotting disorder, they would go into her veins to check for any new clots. They have done this yearly never had a problem. They went into her veins December 21, suppose to be an overnight stay, and home for Christmas. At the end of the procedure she started bleeding got into her lungs and had to go on a ventilator, she developed a severe infection and had phenomena twice and kidneys shut down. She was at U of M Hospital in Intensive Care for four weeks, two of those weeks sedated, it was a couple of hours from home I stayed there. After four weeks she was sent back to home hospital to try to get her off ventilator and dialysis. One night scar tissue broke off by her tracheotomy, her heart stopped for twenty nine minutes while they did CPR. I had to make the decision to turn off ventilator, she would have had brain damage after that long. Nobody could tell me why she started bleeding her INR was good just happened. I have gone through a lot of what you have, wish I could tell you something that would make it better. I'll tell you what has worked for me, posting on this site has helped, everyone on her knows what you are going through. It helps to get your feelings out, there are people on the same time frame you are on and people that have years since they lost spouse. People are very caring and non judgmental on here it helps to have people tell you it will get somewhat easier as you go along. I know this is hard to believe when you are so new, but everyone says its true you will always miss and hurt but you will learn to cope with it better. Get out of the house, go for a walk, bike ride, out to eat with friends whatever works for you. Talk to a Psychologist or Pastor, they can sometimes give you some different insight on looking at things. Talk to your Doctor about anti-depressants to help through the really bad days. Everybody is different what works for you might work for them. All the sayings you hear like she is in a better place, she's not in pain, are crap, but I do remind myself if it was the other way around I would want Diane to find a way to go on and be happy. At first you will just be doing the right things out of habit with not a lot of joy in life. I have been told on here that it will sneak up on you without you noticing that you are doing better. My feelings can go all over the place, that's normal. This will be the hardest and most painful thing that any of us go through, but people do get through it and find a reason to go on. We will never be the same, always think of our spouse but the pain can become manageable. I have kind of rambled on here hope something might help. Post often, we all just want to help each other get through this together.

Permalink Reply by Danny Davis on May 3, 2016 at 11:02am

Thank you for sharing Harold. So sad. So unexpected. So much life left to live. Thats what hurts the worst. It was NOT her time. It wasn't God's will. The doctor made a mistake, and now she's gone. The unexpected suddenness of it all. I do keep busy and my family is supportive. But I still feel the need to talk about her all the time, which is bittersweet. Thanks for you advice Harold.

Danny

Permalink Reply by Joann Sueing on May 3, 2016 at 11:55am

Danny, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your wife. I lost my husband, Oliver, on February 16th--11 weeks today. He died unexpectantly from a massive heart attack. I will be 57 in June, and I can't imagine this life without him. I know your pain, and know that it will take a long time to get to a place of acceptance. But, we will get there.

There is no timeline for grieving, so do not let anyone tell you when and how to move on. My husband will always be with me. I miss him so much that it hurts physically. You have found a great place to find support.

I pray for comfort and strength in every day.

Joann

Permalink Reply by Danny Davis on May 3, 2016 at 1:29pm

joann, I'm sorry for your loss of Oliver. You are right. I don't know how I will carry on at this point. We were so close and and we did practically everything together. At times it does physically hurt. I lose it several times a day. I talk to her though. that helps a little. I play it over and over in my head. Is there something more I could have done. Something more I should have done for her. Guilt, loneliness, sadness, despair. All of this pouring down. I realize I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know you do as well. And I appreciate very much your comfort and advice. I hope you also find peace and strength through this tragedy. Danny

Permalink Reply by Joann Sueing on May 4, 2016 at 7:28pm

Hi Danny,

I noticed that you are from Loganville. I am from Sharpsburg, which is right below newnan. We are close in distance but closer in our loss. I agree with Debbie who says that we have to narrow our focus to a time that is more manageable. At this point, I can only manage a week at a time--at best. It's very difficult imagining years and a life without Oliver. Unfortunately, I didn't get a say, and it is my lot in life.

I pray every day if am to continue to live years without him that God will give me the strength and will to do so. At this point, I'm wondering why I am still here. I know there is a reason, and in time it will be revealed.

Together, we will all get to a "better place". Know that if you ever want to talk or if there is anyone else in the group that lives close and we could get together, just let me know.

Take care, and know that we are all praying for you.

Joann

Permalink Reply by Danny Davis on May 5, 2016 at 10:10am

Thank you Joann for your kind and wise words. We always thought we would go together, holding each other in our sleep. I looked on line to find some bereavement support groups, but didn't have much luck. Of course I would love to meet others like us face to face. It sounds like you are doing the right things, if that is even possible, and I'm sure time will help. But it's good to know that we aren't the only ones going through this terrible thing. Danny

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on May 3, 2016 at 3:12pm

Dear Danny ... My deepest condolences go out to you. I so enjoyed the photos of you and Kim and what a beautiful lady. You made such a lovely couple.

My husband Ernie (65) passed away from pancreatic/liver cancer on April 27, 2011. The surgeons also messed up on his diagnosis and said his tumor was 2.6 when it was, in fact, 6.2 and prolonged surgery made it to late for the Whipple Surgery. We'd known each other 45 years and Ernie passed not long before our 40th wedding anniversary. Like you and Kim we had our plans for retirement and never thought for a second he wouldn't make it. I was almost 4 years older than he was; and unfortunately were unable to have children, both sets of parents passed away and now I only have a very small immediate family.

All of us here understand how unreal Kim's passing was for you and there is nothing more heart-breaking than a sudden death.

This does not ease your heartache, but what you are going through Danny is normal grief and all of us have been there or are going through it. Cry when you want to. I know all this sounds odd and at times you may not even want to get out of bed. Of course you are going to feel as if someone tore your heart out, that you are in a perpetual nightmare and at least for me I refused to believe my 6' 6" tall husband had passed away and my mind made me think he'd be coming up that driveway all smiles or he was on a fishing trip. I actually still have his work jacket and baseball cap hanging on a hook in the hall and there it will stay. It took me several months to be able to put a picture up anywhere in the house of my beloved, but finally I've done it.

The first year is the hardest not being able to wrap your mind around what happened; fear of how one will cope without their spouse (Ernie and I did everything together as well.) Crying all the time, going through the red tape of bureaucracy and seeing long-time friends slowly drift away not knowing how to treat me now that I was single. After the first year and perhaps even before that reality does set in and then we have to reinvent our lives and find the strength to on without them.

As Chuck has said there is a future for you, but right now grieving is a necessity of life and it's best to go with the flow, post on here with your feelings and we'll all hold your hand through this grief. This forum saved my life because I was able to express how I felt about my loss without anyone judging me and the angels on here are always around and when one can't seem to land on their feet or find it difficult to get through a day or special occasions they had with their spouse we're all here to see you through it. Please trust us to help you and also please realize the grief as heart-breaking as it is does make you stronger and again, there is a future out there for you.

I am a firm believer that our loved ones are around us to give us strength and stay until we are on our feet and able to get back out into the reality of this world. Try getting out for a walk in nature, go biking, keep active as possible and if you find you are coming home to a silent house then leave a radio on or the TV (I do.) I also have two small dogs that have helped get me up and moving for nature walks and I've made so many wonderful friends off this site.

Big hug (because you need it)

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Danny Davis on May 3, 2016 at 9:23pm

Marsha, you are a very kind person, clearly as your response indicates. It's also very clear that you have gone through what I am going through now. I do try to stay busy. I have always been active and staying busy in the garden has been helpful. I do take long walks, and exercise regularly, as I have always done. But there is still this big hole in the middle of my chest. Sometimes I can't breathe. I break out in tears while driving, or talk to Kim in the middle of the grocery store. I can't even imagine living another 25 or 30 years without her. I'm crying now while writing this reply. My friends and family are not sure what to do. I tell them...please don't avoid the subject. I want to to talk about Kim. It helps me. I love and miss her so, so much. We lived all over the world and shared so much together. Anyway, thank you so much Marsha. I know I'm not alone. Danny