It still doesn't seem real

My wife of 25 years passed away this year, Jan 14, 2016 in hospital. She went in healthy and happy for a simple gall bladder removal. In the past she had much more complicated surgeries, so we weren't too worried about this one. During surgery, the surgeon accidentally cut part of her small intestine. Without knowing it, he closed and sent her to observation. Instead of getting better, she got worse. 24 hours later, they took her back to surgery and found the problem. They repaired it as best they could, but she went into septic shock. She survived in ICU for 30 hours before she died.

Everything was a complete blur for me. This couldn't happen to my precious Kim. We were retired and things were going so well. Her 64 birthday and our anniversary were
Both less than a month away. It couldn't be real. it was so sudden and unexpected.

Now it's May, and I feel so lost, confused, and so unhappy. Everything reminds me of her. I still can't get through the day without crying and wailing several times. Nothing seems to make me happy. I'm only 62. I don't think I am suicidal, but its hard to imagine living the rest of my life without her. I love and miss her so much. I still talk to her as if she is still around. It's the only way I can get through the day. I've practically turned our whole house into a memorial alter, with her pictures and possessions everywhere. I'm lost.

Recommend

2 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Harold McKinstry on May 16, 2016 at 8:03am

Hi Stacy

I'm sorry for your loss.My wife Diane had a clotting disorder, they were trying to open up some veins in her leg to help reduce pain. For whatever reason she started bleeding, blood got into her lungs she had to be put on a ventilator, developed severe infection, had pneumonia twice, kidneys shut down and passed away January 29th after six weeks in the hospital. Never did have a reason why nine times out of ten there is no problem, I guess she was the tenth that did. It was our second Marriage we were married 11 years, we were good for each other. Don't let anyone tell you it's time to move on, nobody knows when it is but you. People don't understand what we go through unless they have experienced it also, if not they don't have a clue what is is like. Give yourself time to mourn and work your way through your grief at your own pace, everyone will be different. I think it's wise not to do anything with your house for now, it's hard to make level headed decisions now, if you sell it and come out of the fog of grief you might regret it. Whenever the thought of a new relationship come into my mind my first thought is fall in love again and go through this pain again no thanks. My view might change at a later date who knows. I don't mean to sound like I have all the answers far from it. I was doing reasonably okay but these last two weeks I have been in a funk I just can't seem to climb out of. Normally when you have problems in life that is causing you stress you can get away for a few days and feel better, there is no getting away from the loss of a loved one it is there day after day beating you down. The only thing I have been able to figure out is to keep moving forward no matter how much you just want to give up, with the hope that in the future you learn to cope better. I can't see that happening now but I trust all the people on here that say it does become somewhat more bearable with time. The nice thing about posting on this site is everyone understands what you are going through, we all just want to help each other get to a better place. Post often there are a lot of people new to grief and some who it has been five years that can offer a different perspective.

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on May 16, 2016 at 9:22am

Stacy, I'm reading your post and your story almost mirrors my own. My husband Ken passed away on Jan 13th this year at the age of 52. We had been married 26 1/2 years and lived in our home for 22 years. Our plans however were to sell our home and move to North Carolina because he needed a warmer climate for health reasons. Since he's gone, I now will not sell the home that's full of his memories. I also will not put any of his things away or clear out his closet, dresser drawers etc. If they're not in my way, nobody else's opinion matters. I myself count down the days until I join my Ken. I'm now 4 months and 3 days closer to being with him again. At this point in time, I have no intention of ever dating. There's no way anyone can come close to the person Ken was. We were the perfect fit from the moment we met 30 years ago and my heart can't even consider having a "space filler" until my time comes. I will say however if that's what God's plan is then it will be.

DO NOT listen to those people who say it's time to move on and get back into a routine. They only say that because it wasn't their life that was ripped apart. It's your choice whether or not you sell your home and it's not a decision that should be made so soon after your loss. I'm glad you have that one friend who gets it and can help you through this time of raw grief. I wish you luck with your new reality and whatever the future holds for you.

Sara

Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on May 16, 2016 at 9:37am

Hello Stacey,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband that has led you here - a place none of us ever expected or wanted to need. I have been with Legacy since last November, having lost my husband Larry just over one year ago to cancer. Before coming here, I was so lost that a close friend finally told me how helpless he felt to understand my feelings because he has never gone through such a devastating loss as this.

Here, I have found, as will you, some of the most understanding and compassionate people who share this experience of grief and help each other with our words of support and messages of hope.

I hope you find some comfort and peace with us here - my thoughts and prayers go out to you.

With Love,

Chuck

Permalink Reply by Deb S on May 16, 2016 at 8:06pm

Stacy,

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts echo those shared by Harold, Sarah, and Chuck. Please allow yourself the gift of time and carefully examine the unsolicited suggestions of friends. Your friends likely have not lost a spouse. They do not know what you are going through at this moment. They love you and want to support you and think that they are offering wise advice. Please trust yourself. Given adequate time, you will get stronger, gain insight, and begin to move forward.

The gift of time also allows you to sort out emotions and determine strategies and make a plan for your future. You don't have to do this today. You can baby step.

Debbie

Permalink Reply by Stacey M. Eggers on May 17, 2016 at 4:35am

Thank you everyone for responding with your stories. This is the place to come for understanding, for sure. The small details might be different, but the stories are all the same. Devastation. Emotional. Financial. Physical. I feel for each and every one of you for your loss, which is as great as mine. Something you wouldn't wish on anybody. May we all find our new reality, one worth living for.

Sincerely,

Stacey

Permalink Reply by Deb S on May 17, 2016 at 8:26am

Stacey, This group of friends has made a huge difference to me. We all face a future that no longer includes our spouses. Our futures do not fit our preconceived plan. It helps me heal to know that my friends here are just a post away. I learn resilience, gain insights, and feel better.

Thanks for finding us. Debbie

Permalink Reply by Stacey M. Eggers on May 19, 2016 at 2:50am

Thank you all for being so welcoming!

Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on May 17, 2016 at 8:52am

Hello Stacey,

Like Debbie, and everyone here, I thank you for finding us, and for your kind words. I have never in my life experienced the depth of acceptance, understanding, and unconditional loving support that I have felt since finding this special place. May you, and all of us, find our new reality as you so perfectly say it. In my heart I know there is a reason for us all to go on - it's taking the time to gradually allow that reason to make itself known that for me is so very hard, but I am never alone here...and our new friend, neither are you.

Sending all of us wishes for peace and comfort today,

Love Chuck

Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on May 17, 2016 at 9:00am

Hello Todd and Joann,

I just wanted to let you know that you both are especially in my thoughts and prayers today.

Todd, knowing that this is your anniversary and how difficult it will be so soon after losing your beloved Claudia, please know dear friend that we all hold you close with us in our hearts.

Joann, this being your beloved Oliver's birthday I am sending you a hug and my wish for a peaceful day with the cherished memories of your dear husband - Oliver is and will continue to stay near watching over you - we are always near also with our support and our love.

Love to you both,

Chuck

Permalink Reply by Deb S on May 17, 2016 at 9:40am

Chuck, Thank you for reminding me that today is especially poignant for Todd and Joann. I join your post by letting them know that they are also especially in my thoughts and prayers today.

How are you doing today my dear friend?

Love, Debbie

Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on May 17, 2016 at 9:47am

Hi Debbie,

I'm actually doing well today my friend, and thank you so much for your ever present support and encouragement. It is because of my dear friends here that I can actually face some days with a smile through my tears, and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

How are you today, Debbie? I'msending you a hug and prayers for a calm day with smiles found in unexpected places.

Love,

Chuck

Permalink Reply by Deb S on May 17, 2016 at 11:29am

Chuck, I'm doing well too. Thanks for asking.

This morning, I opened one of my husband's small vanity drawers. I haven't moved any of his belongings and it is not on my priority list. My husband was a busy professional who owned his own firm. He worked hard and played hard. He also practiced saving time by buying in bulk. In the beginning when I was in shock, I would tear up whenever I looked at his personal possessions. This morning, when I spied several tubes of toothpaste, a dozen toothbrushes, several shavers and blades, etc., I reacted with a huge smile and thankfulness that this wonderful man chose to spend so many years of his life with me. I am blessed and these little reminders serve to reinforce that belief.

This is not an easy path. My brain knows that his belongings could serve others instead of rest where he left them. Yet, for now, I gain strength and peace by keeping the status quo. One day, I'll be ready to do the right thing and part with his possessions. Today is not that day.

Love,
Debbie