I never knew what "true" love meant,until I met my first real love, Dale, whoI fell in love with and after a loving relationship, later became my husband.At first when I met him, he seemed like a clown he would always joke around or play funny pranks,but always laugh or knew how to have fun. He was a very handsome guy,in his middle 30's, dark brown hair,a full mustach and sideburns,appeared clean,well dressed,polite with a nice personality, and gorgeous brown eyes. But what really attracted me to him, was his smile,whenever he smiled he would literly glow and his beautiful brown eyes sparkled.And as our relationship blossomed, I got to see the kind of person he was and the serious side of him:the caring,honesty, respect towards people & their opinion, importance in a relationship, to being polite in a loving way. He later knew how I felt and would try to help ease my moods,make me feel better or just hold me til the problem lifted. We had a very good marriage and yes,we had our ups & downs,but who doesn't in a marriage, and you love one another as well AND it really helped if Heavenly Father was a good part of your marriage.Dale never raised a hand to me or try to harm me in any way.In fact, he was a very protective person,we always had a good time with each other,but always knew to also be responsible with our finances,paying bills and mantaining a good job. But after 2001,he became ill and I being his partner and wife took care of him as long as I could,he later had to be hospitalized and when his illness became worst and in 2005,Dale passed away. I felt my whole world come tumbling down as a huge part of me died with him..I didn't know how sweet it was nor the love, laughter and silly little secrets we shared, loving moments and the many tears we shared as well, til he passed on and went home to Jesus..It was almost like cinderella,but with out the fancy stuff,Dale was a good old country boy who loved life.I loved Dale and the moments we cherished with all my heart and we were proudly married for 23yrs.. I later did re-married,but it's not like my first and Im happy and he loves me very much. Thank you for your time and have a nice evening/day!

 

 

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No it is not wrong. Your love for your first husband did not die because you remarried, you just fell in love again. If your first husband was still alive you would still be with him. Taking nothing away from your current husband it is understandable you would mourn the relationship that you had no say over continuing or terminating. Your feelings are legitimate. I work with a man who lost his wife to illness and remarries. He still will talk to his first wife from time to time. So you do not have to feel guilty for feelings that come naturally.
My husband of 25 years died at age 51 in 2001.  I was 46.  My world imploded.  My relationship with him was much like yours, he was my best friend, lover and everything in-between.  I have had two fairly serious relationships since his passing, they both fizzled.  I've gone back through the events and looked at what I contributed to the break-ups.  The one thing that pops out is that I always compared the man to my deceased husband.... not fair and I did not intentionally do it, but still did.  It's hard to compete with a ghost.... as time passes, the ghost also achieves some rather "saintly" characteristics!  Maybe its a coping mechanism, I don't know.  On their part, I was told I was too independent and at times, too distant.  These are both traits of my personality, I have always been independent... my husband loved it, he was not intimidated with it, but rather proud that I could handle whatever came my way.  Took the pressure off him.  If anything, he encouraged me to stand alone and be ok with it.  I sometimes wonder if he knew he wouldn't be around and that I was going to have to fend for myself.  As far as the distance thing, I have always liked to read and write in a journal.  Again, another facet of my personality.  I'm glad you were able to find someone to share your life with.  Hopefully, with time, the bond will grow stronger and evolve into an enduring love.... maybe not to the degree of your 1st love, but there I go comparing again!      
Theresa, Hi  I think it is to be expected that we still morn and miss our spouses and there is nothing wrong with it. How can we not, I mean they were our lives and we were as one in most cases.I would hope that whoever we choose to share the next phase of our lives with would understand that we just can't wipe them out of our memory because thats just impossable to do.As far as comparing them that also would be hard not to do as there are sooo many triggers that bring on certain memories and maybe they are alike in some ways. Our world did crumble and end as we knew it when we lost our spouse and I agree everyone has their ups and downs is there really a perfect marrage ? I think not. That doesn't take away from what we shared good and bad and yes those silly times and secrets are so special to us now it's funny and sad to look back and remember. I am lucky and blessed to have found someone very special who does understand as he has lost his wife just 13 days before I lost my husband so we have an advantage that many do not. We are able to share in our loss and we do understand the pain involved. We are building a life for us now but we know our spouse will always be a part of our past and are a part of our lives now, lol we know they are around because they let us know lol and that can be another topic. We all are capable of giving our hearts to another when and if it is right. Hugs to all 

My Bill lost his first wife of 57 years, 5 years before he and I met. We spoke of her often and I even went to her gravesite many times with him. I have collages of pictures of him which include so much of that life also because that was his life. They had a child and grandchildren together so the bond was even stronger there. Many times I spoke to Adeline myself and told her thank you for sharing Bill with me and that I would try to make him as happy as I could. It is hard to say but as he was dying, I had to tell him it was okay to go to her, she had him for 57 years (I only had 5). It seemed to comfort him. It hurts sometimes to think of them together instead of him waiting for me but its okay. We had a wonderful blessed 5 years that I don't regret in any way. She made him the strong "keeper" that I loved.. You are a different person because of your first husband. Its okay to think of him and wonder about the past. You are now stronger and will be the best wife you can be to your current husband.

That was a fine tribute to Dale.

I completely understand how you feel. I am going through the same thing myself. I was married for almost 33 years when my 1st husband passed away at the age of 53. And if that wasn't hard enough to deal with it was on Valentines day 2006.He had been on dialysis for a few years and was very sick. He developed a complication from the dialysis and never came home after his surgery for the problem.I have also remarried to a very loving and supportive man that I knew from School. We started talking on Classmates.com and he  had just been through some problems of his own. His wife had walked out a year before leaving him with his youngest son. We talked for a long time then decided we would start dating. He was living in California at the time and I was in West Virginia.He had planned to movie back to Ohio the state we both had grown up and gone to school in. Later I also moved back to Ohio and we were married. He has been so supportive but the problem is even though it has been 6 years since my 1st husband passed away I am still having such a hard time dealing with it.I don't sleep well. When I close my eyes I still see him laying in that hospital bed dying. The only thing he said to me that day was that his stomach hurt. So I had the nurse give him something for the pain. Later I saw that he was having problems breathing and he kept looking at me then at the kids and finally I told him it was ok to go be with Jesus and that I would be ok. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. To stand there and tell him I would be ok when I wasn't and that it was ok to go when I didn't want him to leave me was so hard. I have not been able to get past that pain. The doctors had told us no more could be done for him because he had a bad infection all through him and he had gone into cardiac arrest after his surgery and was revived then into respiratory arrest a few days later. I just feel like I lied to him because I wasn't ok and have not been ok since that day. What if I had left him on the life support would that have changed anything. I don't know but I have wondered since that day when we decided to let them take him off life support if it was the right decision. He had a living will and didn't want to live that way and had made that choice early on when he started dialysis.Just feel I need to get past this to have a better relationship with my 2nd husband. Just don't know what to do. I hope that things work out for you and that you can get past all of of your grief. Thanks for your time.

I completely understand how you feel. I am going through the same thing myself. I was married for almost 33 years when my 1st husband passed away at the age of 53. And if that wasn't hard enough to deal with it was on Valentines day 2006.He had been on dialysis for a few years and was very sick. He developed a complication from the dialysis and never came home after his surgery for the problem.I have also remarried to a very loving and supportive man that I knew from School. We started talking on Classmates.com and he  had just been through some problems of his own. His wife had walked out a year before leaving him with his youngest son. We talked for a long time then decided we would start dating. He was living in California at the time and I was in West Virginia.He had planned to movie back to Ohio the state we both had grown up and gone to school in. Later I also moved back to Ohio and we were married. He has been so supportive but the problem is even though it has been 6 years since my 1st husband passed away I am still having such a hard time dealing with it.I don't sleep well. When I close my eyes I still see him laying in that hospital bed dying. The only thing he said to me that day was that his stomach hurt. So I had the nurse give him something for the pain. Later I saw that he was having problems breathing and he kept looking at me then at the kids and finally I told him it was ok to go be with Jesus and that I would be ok. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. To stand there and tell him I would be ok when I wasn't and that it was ok to go when I didn't want him to leave me was so hard. I have not been able to get past that pain. The doctors had told us no more could be done for him because he had a bad infection all through him and he had gone into cardiac arrest after his surgery and was revived then into respiratory arrest a few days later. I just feel like I lied to him because I wasn't ok and have not been ok since that day. What if I had left him on the life support would that have changed anything. I don't know but I have wondered since that day when we decided to let them take him off life support if it was the right decision. He had a living will and didn't want to live that way and had made that choice early on when he started dialysis.Just feel I need to get past this to have a better relationship with my 2nd husband. Just don't know what to do. I hope that things work out for you and that you can get past all of of your grief. Thanks for your time.

Hi Therese

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with missing your first husband even though you are married.  My husband Ernie and I knew each other 45 years and were married 39 years and anyone that knew us admired us for being so full of life; joking; smiling; making other people laugh; always lifting a helping hand and I had an illness shortly after being married and he was so loyal and encouraging to me so when it came time for him to be ill I was there 110% not because it was the thing to do, but because I wanted to do it.  He died from pancreatic cancer April, 2011.  I so miss him every day.  Ernie and I had a discussion long before he got ill (I think many couples do) what each of us would do should the other die. He said he would never remarry and I said the same thing.  We both agreed that we wouldn't let each other suffer just because we wanted the one who was ill to be there and I kept that promise by telling Ernie to 'let go, I would be fine' even though my heart and soul screamed 'No, no!'  I loved him so much I couldn't bare to see him suffer any longer.  So it stands to reason with all the wonderful memories we have shared with our spouses that those memories will never go away; that they will always be our one true love; but, they are gone and you are so lucky to have someone else to share your life with.  Right now (I am 70 years old) I would love to at least have a male companion just to talk too; go dancing; long walks; sharing hopes and dreams, etc., but only God will decide if I am to have another partner.  I know I will never remarry again (that's just my choice) and I am hoping my Ernie will be there when my time comes. 

Bask in the love and light you have with your spouse now and enjoy life.  On your own private time remember the good times with your deceased spouse and smile ... my attitude is 'it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'  I know Ernie was my soul mate and it took us a long while to find each other in life.  Yet, I still have much love to share and I know he wouldn't want me to go through life being sad.

 

God Bless

Marcy

No, Therese, it isn't wrong, there's no rules, no timeline as to how long we mourn the loss.  We all have to do it in our own way, in our own time.  I'm happy for you that you've found new love, it doesn't mean we will ever "forget", nor should we.

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