Just a few thoughts of my own.

I think sometimes some people may misinterpret going through grief by saying some are wallowing in self pity. Also, everyone has their own timeframe, there are no right way and wrong ways of grieving. I also think we each have a right to grieve in any way that is right for each of us. There also is no one way fits all since we are all unique. This has been on my mind and I just needed to share. No need to reply unless you want to.

Just putting that out there for the record.

Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Edler Sterling Broussard on December 31, 2010 at 6:43pm

You are so right Suzanne we are all different in our thinking, feeling, etc.. If we all would understand this, then the possibility of offending someone is slim. Each and everyone of us has the right to grieve their own way and as long as they would like. Hugs, Ed

Permalink Reply by Edler Sterling Broussard on December 31, 2010 at 6:43pm

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on January 1, 2011 at 6:03pm

suzanne, i try not to judge others and would like not to be judged myself. i know that we do all grieve differently and we all have different circumstances. some of us may not have alot of friends and family to help us through the grieving process. i think all our different circumstances play a part in how we grieve. i do think you are right on with what you wrote.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on January 1, 2011 at 6:03pm

Permalink Reply by Marlena on January 1, 2011 at 9:16pm

Hi Suzanne,

I think you are right, we all do grieve in our own way...the way that is right for us. Some of us have the added bonus of family and friends that help to keep us moving forward and some have to walk this road solitary. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

For me, it has been a roller coaster. I am blessed to have our three kids, my niece and sister, my parents and Tom's, Tom's railroad co-workers, and great neighbors to keep me going and take care of things when I need something done. This, I know, has helped me in my progress. Even with all them to keep me going, I still have those down days where I just can't seem to shake the heaviness in my chest or the sadness that surrounds me. Some days I still want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. It's all part of the process.

I also think that it's hard to let go of the sadness and grief. I wanted to wallow in my grief for a long time. I didn't want to let it go. I felt that if I let it go it was like I was letting go of Tom and I just could not do that. In the beginning, grief was the only constant in my life so I held it very close. I allowed the sorrow to linger over me for a long time.

I am still sad and I will always miss Tom with everything that I am, but I have also chosen to keep moving forward, I won't move on, just forward with Tom in my heart. We have a new granddaughter and I've also decided to work on getting a degree because I will someday have to go out into the working world and support myself. These two things have been a great distraction for me. They give me something positive to focus on to keep me getting up every morning. It hurts to know Tom is missing out on our new baby and so much in life, but I like to think that he is still here watching us being a part of what is happening everyday. The grief is still there through all of this; it just somehow shifts as time goes by or maybe it is easier to compartmentalize it the longer we deal with it. I'm not sure which.

Tom will always be a part of me no matter where this life takes me. I miss him so much and still wish for my old life back, but I know that I have to wait to see him again. Until then, I do what needs to be done, focus on my kids, and honor Tom in all I do.

It would be nice if grief was "one size fits all"...we could go through the five step process, be done with it, and move on, but that is not so. We each need to take the time to go through our grief; there is no way around it.

I wish everyone peace and comfort as they go through this journey. I think it has to be the hardest journey of this lifetime. We will all get there, eventually. We've got each other for support and together we can do this.

Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on January 1, 2011 at 10:14pm

Edler,

Thank you for your reply. We do have a disadvantage by sharing our thoughts without being face to face. When we don't hear the fluctuations in our voices and don't see our facial expressions things can be taken in different ways. I still think that by a widow saying that another widow is wallowing in self-pity, even if it's true, I feel it's unforgivable but then again, maybe I'm too sensitive because I can't help how I grieve or think. I suppose we can learn from our enemies as well as our friends. Thank you for befriending me. It really is appreciated.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on January 1, 2011 at 10:16pm

Hi Cindy,

You always comfort me with what you say. It's so good to have support and friendship. I agree with all that you stated. Thank you.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on January 1, 2011 at 10:33pm

Hi Marlena,

You are absolutely right, everything you said rings true for me as well. This whole ordeal is a process we must go through. That is the way I have figured out that for me, I must go through the feelings and the way I look at it is I can't think my way out of grief such as positive thinking and I know others won't agree but we all have rights, a right to grieve in our own way, our right to our opinion, and a right to change our mind as well. My thoughts are that if I say to myself, "Keep your chin up" or "I have to be strong" or "only think of the good times" and not feel the sadness, lonliness and negative feelings that they will come back on me with a vengeance. But, that's just me. I have to do what I have to do and if I need to say anything I can't just let it go and stay angry because I don't agree with someone else for the rest of my life isolating myself even further, for I'll only be hurting myself. Who knows, I might live until I'm 95, it's a scary thought, but no one ever knows how long we have, and I need to go through grief, as difficult as it is, not around it. Take care, and thank you for your reply. You have very good points about focusing on positive energy for the future. I am still on that emotional roller coaster that is ever-changing and sometimes takes a loop and starts over again. I like what you said about 'you won't move on, but you will move forward with Tom in your heart.' I have been trying to remember what someone told me, that our 'loved ones are not dead, they are just different' and that our relationship just changes. Some say they don't want to have their grief, but what I say is I don't want Danny to be gone, I try to explain it like I am an adult having a temper tantrum, but love always prevails. So I think there is hope for me yet. Thank you again.

God bless you,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Hurting on January 6, 2011 at 5:49pm

I agree.

Suzanne said:

Edler,

Thank you for your reply. We do have a disadvantage by sharing our thoughts without being face to face. When we don't hear the fluctuations in our voices and don't see our facial expressions things can be taken in different ways. I still think that by a widow saying that another widow is wallowing in self-pity, even if it's true, I feel it's unforgivable but then again, maybe I'm too sensitive because I can't help how I grieve or think. I suppose we can learn from our enemies as well as our friends. Thank you for befriending me. It really is appreciated.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Connie on January 18, 2011 at 11:53am

Hi Suzanne, I don't believe that grief is wallowing in self pity. We all have different levels of grief and are all at different stages of grief. We are all unique individuals with marriages that were unique. Some people are married but yet still live their own lives. My husband and I were truly "one." What we did we did together. When I lost him, I lost my life too. Each day it hurts more because it has been one day longer since I was able to talk to him, touch him, just be with him. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that it is one day closer to my being with him again. I still can't sleep through the night even with anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I am just so lost. I feel like I have no real purpose in life now. The children have to go on with their lives and their families and I don't want them to know how I feel. How I wish that I could turn back the clock!!!

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on January 19, 2011 at 4:17pm

CONNIE , JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I FEEL LIKE THEIR IS NO REAL PURPOSE IN MY LIFE ANYMORE AND I HAVE NEVER FELT SO LOST AND LONELY. IT WILL BE A YEAR NEXT MONTH AND THE LONELINESS IS UNBEARABLE FOR ME.MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.

Connie said:

Hi Suzanne, I don't believe that grief is wallowing in self pity. We all have different levels of grief and are all at different stages of grief. We are all unique individuals with marriages that were unique. Some people are married but yet still live their own lives. My husband and I were truly "one." What we did we did together. When I lost him, I lost my life too. Each day it hurts more because it has been one day longer since I was able to talk to him, touch him, just be with him. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that it is one day closer to my being with him again. I still can't sleep through the night even with anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I am just so lost. I feel like I have no real purpose in life now. The children have to go on with their lives and their families and I don't want them to know how I feel. How I wish that I could turn back the clock!!!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on January 19, 2011 at 5:43pm

Hi Connie,

What I tried to say was that some may THINK that others are grieving by 'wallowing in self-pity', or 'not wanting to look at the positive' but I don't believe that and I am glad you don't believe that either. As you stated we are all at different levels. I feel very afraid no matter what I say anymore, because I don't want to get in the way of how others are "grieving" and I myself, am only learning how to live without Danny just like all of us. It seems the more I say, the wider the whole I am creating for myself and I don't want to say anything that might be 'the wrong thing' as others have inadvertantly made me feel that I am (in saying how I truly feel). There are no instructions for this. Therefore I feel 'how can I help others when I don't know how to help myself.' All I know is I keep hearing ever since I started going to Hospice meetings and from my therapist that we must go through the feelings. I would not be able to do that if I "think positive" in trying to think my way out of grief or "fall in love" with someone else (which is not in my realm of possibility). I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. All I know is this life of living without Danny was thrown at me from left field, and I am me, I am not anyone else. I observed even children on other sites seem to have these "Gifts" from God to continue to live and do so with a full life without their beloved parent. It makes me think what's the matter with me, having no strength to endure, for others, even children, (I've seen on GodTube.com) who are able to sing with gusto, to live and enjoy the simple pleasures as well as the beauty of the wonders of this world. I can't imagine myself being able to do that. I'm just being brutally honest. But, I do always feel relief to read your messages of validation and that of others like Cindy P. and Kathy O. I really feel for everyone who is going through this pain and still remember everyone here in my daily prayers. I just feel like I have your support and it gets me through the day, and I am grateful to you and the others, so thank you and everyone else for your posts in this discussion. You always make me feel better.

God bless you,

Suzanne

Dear Cindy,

It is unbearable for me as well, so I know how you feel. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. On Saturday the 22nd of January it will be a year for me. I only wish none of us would have to go through this magnitude of emotions, it is almost too much. We have to make it through, as difficult as it may be. I believe, even if it's hard, something can come from this unimaginably painful time in our lives. God has blessed me with those like you who understand. We are all so very different, but as I've said before the pain is all the same for all of us. Take care.

God bless you, too

Suzanne