Hi To all,
I've also noticed there are so much more of us who are new here and going through grief and I want you all to know that I remember you all in my prayers. Just to keep in contact I know lots of you have gone over to facebook to chat but I am unable to because I don't want my sons and all my loved ones to know what I'm really thinking or they would be really worried about me. I think that each of us has their own individual way of getting through these dark days and I have my own perspective that I have already mentioned in many discussions before, that I know in my heart my joy in this life is gone as my 'spirit' passed with my husband when he passed away 7 months ago on January 22, 2010. I am so sorry for all of your sadness and sorrow and I know it's just so unbearable to get through each day, and I also wanted to let you know about a few things going on with me. A huge issue with my family has been unblocked at least on the surface. What I'm talking about is that two days ago my brothers and sisters and most of our adult children and their kids actually got together for a family cookout that I attended in which all of those that I mentioned before in another post had major issues. My eldest brother who just turned 70 refused one of my sisters the knowledge of his upcoming fatal diagnosis that he only has 9 months to live due to liver cancer. A month or so ago after the most horrific tension, past fights, anger and stress from disagreements which caused him to deny our sister the right to be at his wake and funeral when he dies, but I noticed after we were all getting along in one of the pictures that were being taken on Saturday, my brother's arm was around her shoulder and it's such a momentous occasion I had to share it. I have nothing to do with the problem, but I think the help for our family being united came about from my husband (who passed as I said) together with one of my other sister's son who died last June of 09 and this is nothing short of a miraculous event. I prayed for their help (my husband and my nephew) in the afterlife after I received a message that they are helping our family unite. Never thinking this would ever happen this has changed my views about some things. But it any case I now truly believe that my husband is aware of what goes in in this life with me and all of us ( I didn't before because I felt disconnected from him as we were together for 39 years and then there was nothing,) I still find it hard to talk to him because of the fact I am still deeply depressed and I want him here and now.....I don't want him to be a memory. Well, the other thing I wanted to ask of anyone who wishes to comment that lately I've been getting a lot from different sources that we have a choice in how we feel. But I don't believe this, I think Abraham Lincoln was wrong when he said, "We are as happy as we make up our minds to be." (I don't think he was talking about widows) and I am adamant about how I feel that how can I choose to feel joy if my beloved husband is not here physically, how can I feel happy is beyond me. I know I will never feel happy again, but others, even widows from my grief meeting which really kind of annoys me (sorry to say) when they love life and they are living again and they believe I will too one day. This really gets to me because I know in my heart that my life in this world is over and I just wait for God to let me know His will (which I've said hundreds of times) and I just wait for God to call me home. Does anyone here have any thoughts that we can choose how we feel??? I just don't get it. But I will do my best to accept differing opinions. I just know how I feel and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Well, I pray you all have peace and (((hugs))) to everyone here.
Suzanne,I'm glad you're asking.That shows progress in the fact that you even asked!Let's face it,none of us wants to be here but we are.We ARE alive and our spouses aren't .Now I just got over my own pity party,My B-day Aug 15th.The first one in 46 years ,that Ernie wasn't here to share with me.I was just plain miserable.But that is not me.Nor will I let this grief continue to controll me.That's not to say I don't miss and want my husband back.So I will continue and TRY to be happy.Sure we all have down days .But By living out the rest of our days BEING miserable isn't going to help youself.I'm pretty much housebound,being caregiver to my 92 year old mother,so i have no choice,but when I get a chance,I get out and do things.Take the initative,try something different.I took a gun course.Been scared of guns all my life.So I thought ,I need to not be afraid.It was empowering.I feel we need to take charge of our lives,be they as they are.Please give yourself a chance!I guess I'm not a romantic just a realist.If we don't do things for ourselves who will?Please forgive me if I offended you,but this is how I feel.Take care.
I think I love you Suzanne !
And I'm always here.
Suzanne, I think you are absolutely and totally right and have really come across something very helpful. I know that I want Tim to be here very badly. It still seems wrong he is not. But I believe that when you finish your work down here than God takes you home. Tim finished before I did. I am here for a reason and when that reason is complete I will go and join Tim and Frank(our son). But I still don't like it.
What can I say Suzanne. What you have written is truely inspiring. Your message is getting out. Gods will maybe ! A purpose does not mean you have to change the world, it's the small steps that help alot, and maybe the only ones that any of us may be able to take. That's huge. They do add up. I do remember my first posts here, and how bad I did feel then. Those thoughts do not leave me. I have learned alot from the people on this site and have used that, to first learn to smile again, my first step and it was a hard one to do. All the steps I have tried have been hard, and not all of them were the right choice. I tried to rush through my grieving and had to start all over again, bad choice. Eating more ice cream, the jury is still out on that choice ! Afraid to weigh myself ! I have tried to become someone new. I can only be myself, and that's coming back slowly. I fought for my wifes life with her every day for three years. I'll fight for everyone here. EVERYONE.