Hi To all,

I've also noticed there are so much more of us who are new here and going through grief and I want you all to know that I remember you all in my prayers. Just to keep in contact I know lots of you have gone over to facebook to chat but I am unable to because I don't want my sons and all my loved ones to know what I'm really thinking or they would be really worried about me.  I think that each of us has their own individual way of getting through these dark days and I have my own perspective that I have already mentioned in many discussions before, that I know in my heart my joy in this life is gone as my 'spirit' passed with my husband when he passed away 7 months ago on January 22, 2010.  I am so sorry for all of your sadness and sorrow and I know it's just so unbearable to get through each day, and I also wanted to let you know about a few things going on with me.  A huge issue with my family has been unblocked at least on the surface.  What I'm talking about is that two days ago my brothers and sisters and most of our adult children and their kids actually got together for a family cookout that I attended in which all of those that I mentioned before in another post had major issues.  My eldest brother who just turned 70 refused one of my sisters the knowledge of his upcoming fatal diagnosis that he only has 9 months to live due to liver cancer.  A month or so ago after the most horrific tension, past fights, anger and stress from disagreements which caused him to deny our sister the right to be at his wake and funeral when he dies, but I noticed after we were all getting along in one of the pictures that were being taken on Saturday, my brother's arm was around her shoulder and it's such a momentous occasion I had to share it.  I have nothing to do with the problem, but I think the help for our family being united came about from my husband (who passed as I said) together with one of my other sister's son who died last June of 09 and this is nothing short of a miraculous event.  I prayed for their help (my husband and my nephew) in the afterlife after I received a message that they are helping our family unite.  Never thinking this would ever happen this has changed my views about some things.  But it any case I now truly believe that my husband is aware of what goes in in this life with me and all of us ( I didn't before because I felt disconnected from him as we were together for 39 years and then there was nothing,) I still find it hard to talk to him because of the fact I am still deeply depressed and I want him here and now.....I don't want him to be a memory.    Well, the other thing I wanted to ask of anyone who wishes to comment that lately I've been getting a lot from different sources that we have a choice in how we feel.  But I don't believe this, I think Abraham Lincoln was wrong when he said, "We are as happy as we make up our minds to be."  (I don't think he was talking about widows) and I am adamant about how I feel that how can I choose to feel joy if my beloved husband is not here physically, how can I feel happy is beyond me.  I know I will never feel happy again, but others, even widows from my grief meeting which really kind of annoys me (sorry to say) when they love life and they are living again and they believe I will too one day.  This really gets to me because I know in my heart that my life in this world is over and I just wait for God to let me know His will (which I've said hundreds of times) and I just wait for God to call me home.  Does anyone here have any thoughts that we can choose how we feel???  I just don't get it.  But I will do my best to accept differing opinions.  I just know how I feel and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Well, I pray you all have peace and (((hugs))) to everyone here.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Suzanne you are the only one who knows how you feel i dont think i will ever be truly happy again either. however i do expierience ''joy'' i feel joy when my new 1 yo granddaughter smiles at me I see Becky in her eyes and sometimes I swear Becky sees me through her. every time i think i am no longer with Becky something happens that shows me she is always with me. i have given up on councelers and antidepressants. I wont truly be happy till Becky and i are together again. in the meantime i will try to find joy in the small things she sends me i wouldnt want my my family to hear me talk like this either im glad i have this space to share my thoughts in as honest a way as i possibly can hugs Brendan
YOU KNOW SUZANNE I HAVE MET TWO WIDOWS LATELY WHO SEEM TO BE DOING JUST FINE. ONE OF THEM LOST HER HUSBAND TWO YEARS AGO, THE OTHER ONE LOST HER HUSBAND RIGHT AROUND THE SAME TIME. THEY BOTH SEEM TO BE DOING REMARKABLE WELL. IT AMAZES ME HOW SOME OF US CAN SEEM TO GO ON WITH LIFE AND OTHERS OF US ARE JUST BARELY ABLE TO FUNCTION. I HAVE HAD ALOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME, THAT IT IS OK TO GRIEVE BUT YOU HAVE TO MOVE PAST IT AT SOME POINT. I AM LIKE YOU I WANT MY HUSBAND TO BE HERE WITH ME PHYSICALLY. I CANT VISUALIZE MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM. I CANT GET OVER THE FACT THAT I FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE WITHOUT HIM.IN MY GRIEF GROUP MOST OF THE WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS HAVE BEEN WITHOUT THEIR SPOUSE FOR ALOT LONGER THAN ME AND THEY SEEM TO BE DOING PRETTY WELL.IN FACT SINCE OUR GROUP DOESNT SEEM TO BE GROWING I GUESS ME BEING THE NEWEST IS THE ONLY ONE STILL NOT BEING ABLE TO PROGRESS. SO THE PASTOR HAS OFFERED TO START MEETING WITH ME ONE ON ONE AND I THINK I SHOULD TAKE HIM UP ON IT. SINCE THIS GROUP ISNT GROWING I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER IT WILL LAST.I HAVE ALSO COME ACROSS A FEW WIDOWS THAT JUST PLAIN REFUSE TO GO TO A GRIEF GROUP. ANYWAY AS FAR AS CAN WE CHOOSE HOW WE FEEL, WELL ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT THAT IS I TRY AND MAKE AN HONEST EFFORT EVERYDAY TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. I KNOW I DONT WANT TO BE MISERABLE AND DEPRESSED BUT THAT IS WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW. I CAN TELL MYSELF TO GET OVER IT AND BE HAPPY BUT I DONT THINK THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.I HAVE EVEN BEEN THINKING EVER SINCE MY HUSBAND PASSED THAT I PROBABLY WONT LAST LONG WITHOUT HIM.I THINK THE STRESS OF LOOSING A MATE AT TIMES TAKES ITS TOLL ON THE ONE LEFT BEHIND. PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN I TELL THEM THAT IS HOW I FEEL AND SAY I AM TOO YOUNG, BUT LOOK AT MY HUSBAND HE WAS ONLY 58.NONE OF US KNOW HOW LONG WE WILL HAVE ON THIS EARTH, I USED TO LOOK FORWARD TO GROWING OLD WITH MY HUSBAND BUT NOW THAT HE IS GONE I HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TOO.I GUESS I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY WITHOUT MY HUSBAND.
Hi Suzanne,

I am so glad to hear about the possible break through with your family. Hopefully it will make a big difference with your brother and sister, and there is still time to mend fences. If not totally at least in part.

You asked about feelings, whether we can choose how we feel. I think there is a certain amount of truth to that. Those of us here on this site have been dealt a life altering event, the death of a spouse. Nothing else in life is the blow that, that is. I have even read, that as hard as it is to lose a child, that even then, most couples have each other to go to for comfort. A husband to his wife and a wife to her husband. I lost a child, and as a result it almost cost me my first marriage. Not because of any problems we were having, but the stress of the loss and my first husbands illness and not being there to bury his son. (He was in a veteran's hospital at the time). But we eventually got past it, and had 3 more children before he died. But when a spouse dies not only do we lose that person, we also lose our future. Any dreams and plans we may have had. You lost your husband Jan 22nd and I lost mine on Feb 7th, pretty close together. I try to be positive, as much as I can be. We were married 24 years, certainly not as long as we wanted to be, but I tell my self, some couples don't get that much time. I have been loved twice and I loved twice. Some people never have anyone. My second husband was my second chance, and I couldn't have been more blessed, as he was a sweet, wonderful man. See, just typing this has lifted my spirits, which have been down the past few days. At one time, I stated, I never expected to be happy again, I just wanted to be ok. But again, my outlook has changed, as time goes by. I hope to find peace and comfort knowing I had it all once----twice and someone else never found that kind of love.
Suzanne, try, maybe for a day, each time you are really down, to think positive thoughts. Tell yourself "not today", I will be strong and more upbeat. I don't know how to word it, but you get the idea. If it helps, good for you. We will all have bad days, no matter what. But with positive re-enforcement, time may improve things. Bless you in your journey, may you someday find the peace and comfort you need and deserve. You are in my prayers, Hugs.
Hi Suzanne, I am so happy to hear that your family situation has been resolved somewhat anyway. What you certainly don't need is the added stress of family problems. I hope your brother is doing well. Suzanne, doctors have been wrong with their diagnosis before and could be again. All you can do is hope and pray.

Suzanne, I have not chosen to feel the way I do. I spent 46+ years with the man that I truly loved and now he is gone. How am I supposed to pick up the pieces of my life and go on as though it never happened or it just doesn't matter. It did happen and it certainly does matter. People are different, marriages are different, relationships are different. What some of us have lost, others have never had. I suppose we should be thankful for what we had but I know that I was not ready to give it up and I am sure that you were not either. My husband and I pretty much grew up together and planned on growing old together. We lost out on this end. I know when he died a very big part of me died too. We need to go on in this life until God is ready to call us home. But, that does not mean that we will be happy or content with the rest of our lives. I was always afraid to think of dying but now I look forward to it. I never thought I would even hear myself think something like that. Many of us on this site will go on and find happiness again but there are some of us who, by no choice of our own, will just wait to be reunited with our spouse. I guess that doesn't make any of us right or wrong but just who we are.

Suzanne, it was good to hear from you. I do go on Facebook but I also check in on this site daily. Have a good night.
Hi Suzanne, I am so happy to hear that your family situation has been resolved somewhat anyway. What you certainly don't need is the added stress of family problems. I hope your brother is doing well. Suzanne, doctors have been wrong with their diagnosis before and could be again. All you can do is hope and pray.

Suzanne, I have not chosen to feel the way I do. I spent 46+ years with the man that I truly loved and now he is gone. How am I supposed to pick up the pieces of my life and go on as though it never happened or it just doesn't matter. It did happen and it certainly does matter. People are different, marriages are different, relationships are different. What some of us have lost, others have never had. I suppose we should be thankful for what we had but I know that I was not ready to give it up and I am sure that you were not either. My husband and I pretty much grew up together and planned on growing old together. We lost out on this end. I know when he died a very big part of me died too. We need to go on in this life until God is ready to call us home. But, that does not mean that we will be happy or content with the rest of our lives. I was always afraid to think of dying but now I look forward to it. I never thought I would even hear myself think something like that. Many of us on this site will go on and find happiness again but there are some of us who, by no choice of our own, will just wait to be reunited with our spouse. I guess that doesn't make any of us right or wrong but just who we are.

Suzanne, it was good to hear from you. I do go on Facebook but I also check in on this site daily. Have a good night.
Suzanne, Your question about choosing is interesting. My husband died on 1/26/10. I don't think we are far enough down the grief road to make a choice. As you know my husband and I met in the fourth grade and were married for 47 years, married at 18 and 19. We had a very close marriage. When our son died I was convinced I would never be happy again---ever. But than one day I thought, "Well, so what? I have been happy for 38 years (my entire life at that time) if I'm never happy again than I'll just try to make other people happy. I started working with people in grief. I thought some people have never been happy for 38 minutes. I did become happy again but not for three or four years and even than I was still grieving. Personally I would rather go to Heaven and be with my husband but I can't until it is my time. And I guess there is something down here God wants me to do. I think my husband may have been finished with what he was here to do. I will never stop missing him but I really don't know whether I will be happy again. I want whatever God wants for my life. But I do wish God hadn't wanted this.
suzanne: first of all it was good to see your post on the site: maybe your family will become one it looks like your brother really loves your sister i pray his request will change before something happens to him sometimes things happen for the best. maybe with this reunion is the start of things off i know we all have issues that we must clear up time suppose to heal all wounds it does not get any easier but remember we are all here for you whenn you need us bless you hugs
Suzanne,to be honest i feel the same as I want him here now and not be a distance memory. I am trying to look forward so hard but I just can not be happy without my soulmate. He made me feel happy and complete so how can I feel the same as before without him? I life each day for the moment step by step so I would not know if I ever feel like the group of widows grief meeting. My heart aches and the pain continouse to grow with time till we meet again.
Suzanne,I'm glad you're asking.That shows progress in the fact that you even asked!Let's face it,none of us wants to be here but we are.We ARE alive and our spouses aren't .Now I just got over my own pity party,My B-day Aug 15th.The first one in 46 years ,that Ernie wasn't here to share with me.I was just plain miserable.But that is not me.Nor will I let this grief continue to controll me.That's not to say I don't miss and want my husband back.So I will continue and TRY to be happy.Sure we all have down days .But By living out the rest of our days BEING miserable isn't going to help youself.I'm pretty much housebound,being caregiver to my 92 year old mother,so i have no choice,but when I get a chance,I get out and do things.Take the initative,try something different.I took a gun course.Been scared of guns all my life.So I thought ,I need to not be afraid.It was empowering.I feel we need to take charge of our lives,be they as they are.Please give yourself a chance!I guess I'm not a romantic just a realist.If we don't do things for ourselves who will?Please forgive me if I offended you,but this is how I feel.Take care.
Suzanne,
I don't think we can choose the way we feel. It is, what it is, and we cannot change that. We lost our best friends and soulmates. We lost our dreams and parts of us as well. We have every reason to feel the many emotions we are feeling. I don't like feeling sad, lonely and depressed, but can't seem to make myself feel happy. I try my hardest not to cry everyday, but still do. Maybe as lots and lots of time goes by I will feel differently I don't know. I am still very new to this. Even if one day I do find Joy in my life (which is so hard to believe I ever will), my life will never be as joyful as it was with my husband in it over the last 20 years.
Suzanne,

I just joined this site. My husband of 28 years died unexpectedly on May 1. I understand so much what you are going through and what you are saying. My husband and I were best friends and soulmates. We did everything together. When I married him, I gave him my whole heart, and now I have some of it back but it is broken without repair. I too, have so many days that I just wish I could dig a hole in the ground and lay beside him at our gravesite. I go there at least once a week and clean off our stone, it makes me feel close to him. I quit my job in March and retired early so I could spend more time with him. He hated the Winters here, and I promised him he would never have to spent another one here in Indiana, unfortunately we will not make it to Florida this winter afterall. Two weeks before he died, we had sold our house, our plans were to buy a Villa so we didn't have to do yardwork and we could travel. So weeks after his death, I found myself without a job, taking less on Social Security because I retired early, packing and moving without him, disposing of his things, which I was not emotionally ready to do, but had no choice.
My daughters tell me that I will find someone else, but they don't understand that he was the love of my life, and I want no one else. I just want to be with him. I talk to his portrait on the wall before I go to bed, and cry over the most minor things. I was baking a Ham one day and cried when I took it out of the oven, because my husband would always cut the Ham. I miss him so much I don't I will ever heal from the pain and sadness. They say we need to move on with our lives, that our love ones are not coming back, and life must go on,,,those that say that never loss their spouse, or if they did, their relationship was not what I had with my husband. He was the reason I got up in the morning, the reason I love to cook, and the reason I enjoyed life. I do have moments of joy with my kids and grandkids, but its a different kind of joy than you receive from your spouse. When we took our vows, we became one, and when one of us dies, so does the other, at least in spirit. I cherish every moment that we shared, and regret not saying I love you more than once a day. I only hope there is a heaven and he will be waiting for me when the Lord takes me home. It is the only hope I have to make it through the day....

God bless everyone on this site that has loss their spouse, my heart goes out to you all.

Nancy
Nancy, What you have said is so very appropriate for the way that I am feeling. I lost my husband of 46 years on 11/9/09. He was everything to me. We had three beautiful daughters and 5 gorgeous grandchildren. They do add to my life but they cannot replace their father. He and I were truly one. We did everything together even to the point of going to the gas station together, even though it is only 3 blocks away. We lived our lives for each other and for our children. The children are grown, the youngest will be a senior at a University in Pennsylvania this fall. I have wonderful children who really care about me and want to do everything they can to help me. They cannot bring their Dad back or they would. That is the one thing I need most in this world is to be by his side again. If it can't be on earth, then it has to be in death. One day God will call me home and I will be by my husband's side again. That is the day I will be truly happy again.
People are very insensitive and tell you how you should feel and what you should be doing now. When they face what we are dealing with, then they will understand how foolish they are now. You have to live through this to understand the devastation and helplessness and hoplessness that you feel. You don't want your life to be like this but you can do nothing to change it. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or how to feel. That is something that only you can feel.
Nancy, I wish you the very best and hope that you will feel better soon. May God Bless You.

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