Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
Laid Rob to rest today
Rob's funeral services were yesterday. It was an absolutely overwhelming experience. The line for visitation ran out the church and down the street. There must have been a 1000 people there. We only allowed for one hour and at two hours, the Pastor had to tell people that if they were staying for the services, they could visit with family afterwards. At the one hour mark during our receiving when I noticed how long the line still was, I felt as if I was going to pass out. Many people that I knew, but many people that Rob had touched their lives at some point, that I had never met. It was a beautiful service and I am so thankful for how Rob was honored and will be remembered. He definitely touched the lives of many, many people.
This morning we did the burial with family only. During the short service I kept thinking to myself "No, you cannot have him yet. I will not let him go" I have been crying since I got home, trying to understand how and why this happened.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Karen W on
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Dear Kristen, my heart breaks for you as I read your post. It wasn't long ago when I was where you are. I don't have any encouraging words to ease your pain. Each of us must find a way through it but I hope it is somehow helpful to know that others here understand exactly what you are feeling. The whys that plague you and the grief that paralyzes you I still deal with after 3 months. I have no plan for recovery from this utter nightmare except to plod on, day by day. I have found some comfort from this site and those here who share a grief like no other. I hope you find some comfort here also. I hope today you find some measure of peace and comfort.
Karen -
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Permalink Reply by Barbara Sullivan on
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Kristen -- My heart breaks for you!
Sending you love, hugs and prayers,
Barbara
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Permalink Reply by Terry Kent on
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Hi Kristen:
I've recently had to do what you just did today. 2 months ago I had my husband's services from a sudden tragic accident. It was overwhelming to see all the people, but somehow comforting to know like you said just how many people he touched. I don't know why these things happen and I've been sitting on my couch all day crying and asking the same thing. I don't want life to be this way and I know you don't either. PLease keep coming back here and talking. People who know how we feel are the best therapy. I am so sorry, and I feel your pain.
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Permalink Reply by Kristen on
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The best way for me to deal with my grief is to be alone with my dogs. A lot of my friends and his family don't understand this and don't want me to be alone. But I tell them I'm ok and this is what I need to do. Does anyone else feel the need to be alone? I just don't feel like having to socialize with anyone. At his funeral service after so many hours, I found my hugometer was pegged out and I just didn't want to hug anyone anymore. I had enough of people grabbing me and hugging me over and over again. And I don't mean this out of disrespect for anyone. It just became very overwhelming to me and I just wanted it to be over. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I know so many people are grieving over his loss and at times I feel selfish for grieving for what I feel is a different kind of loss than theirs. But at the same time I feel it's a loss that some do not understand.
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Permalink Reply by Elvira Castellanos on
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Kristen, I am so very sorry for your loss, unfortunately all of us in this group know what you are going thru right now, tomorrow it will be one month my husband passed away, also always healthy & diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in January with ever having any symptoms til the middle of December only to last 3 more weeks & die of a cardiac arrest, like you say, I also haven't stopped crying, he was the love of my life, we were together over 40 yrs & we were married for 33, I feel your pain & we all ask WHY? & we will probably never get an answer, I am trying to get the strength to go back to church tomorrow but don't know yet if I will be able to do so, you are in my prayers.
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Kristin, being new to this grief myself I don't have many answers, but I do know that we all deal with it differently. I have a friend who lost her husband a while ago and she can't be alone. She constantly needs to have people around her because when she is alone, the loneliness overwhelms her. I seem to go both ways. There are times when I need to have people around to distract me from the pain, but many times I just can't face having to socialize and interact with people. I was supposed to meet with some friends tomorrow but just canceled a short while ago and I know they won't really understand why. Your pain is so new, your wound is still raw and open. Just do whatever you need to do for yourself. You've already taken a good step by joining this group, and when you're ready, I expect you'll reach out to your friends and family.
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Kristen -- I felt much the same as you do -- I needed to be alone. I didn't want the pressure of having to socialize and, I felt that no one really understood my pain -- so it was even difficult to hear people express their sympathy. My husband's family all live in Canada, and of course, they all wanted to come -- I'm afraid I enlisted the help of his oldest daughter to keep them away.
Since my husband hadn't wanted a funeral, I just couldn't bear to have them all come all that way, feeling as I did, that I only wanted to be left alone. I could only envision us all sitting around being awkward and trying to comfort each other.
My husband died in April and on his birthday in September I had the whole family come for a celebration of his life. It was difficult, but I got through it -- and they were satisfied.
For a very long time, I did not want to leave my house. I live in a small town and everyone knew my husband. When I would meet people and they offered condolences, it was all I could do to keep back the tears. It was so uncomfortable to cry in the presence of people I did not know very well, so I just avoided going out.
At this time, for you, I believe, there is no wrong way to grieve -- whatever works for you is right. It will be hard to convince people that you need to be alone -- they care -- they want to help in the only way they know. Just try to reassure friends and family that you will call on them when you are ready.
Having said that -- it is probably not a good idea to isolate yourself too much or for two long. Some people are just naturally easy to be with -- if you have a friend like that, maybe just start with short visits or phone calls with that person. It does get easier.
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<p>Please keep coming back to Legacy as the members are like angels here and we pick each other up when one is down. Vent when you need too and no one judges another on here. Cry when you feel like cry, go to a quiet place and scream if you have to and rest when you need to. Talk to your family about your feelings and choose a close and loyal friend to share how you feel as it does help get through the rough days.</p>
<p>Hugs</p>
<p>Marsha </p>
</div>" _setvalueurl="http://connect.legacy.com/group/bereavedspouses/forum/comment/update?id=1984035%3AComment%3A605851">
Dear Kristen .. I am so sorry for your loss. What an honor for your husband Rob, but that doesn't make you feel any better and I know that feeling of 'you can't have him' as I still can feel the same. My husband passed away in April, 2011 of pancreatic cancer. We couldn't have any children and I only have a small immediate family. I found that friends we've had for many years slowly backed away leading their own lives. Grief is not gotten over in a short span and each of us grieves in our own length of time and should never be rushed. The first year I was in a fog-like state and I was lucky enough to have found Legacy and the members on this forum have picked me up when I've fallen down and I don't think I could have made it without them. I was warned not to make any major decisions such as selling the house, etc., for the first year. The second year the true realization of my Ernie not coming back finally sunk in and I realized how difficult it was to reach out and ask for help from family and the few loyal friends and neighbors that stood beside me. I wasn't the extroverted, vibrant and independent person I once was because my husband was the one that encouraged and made me feel safe and sound. Now, I have to count on me, but I'm learning that I am strong and even through some tough days I try to keep busy, help others and try not to focus on myself.
Please keep coming back to Legacy as the members are like angels here and we pick each other up when one is down. Vent when you need too and no one judges another on here. Cry when you feel like cry, go to a quiet place and scream if you have to and rest when you need to. Talk to your family about your feelings and choose a close and loyal friend to share how you feel as it does help get through the rough days.
Hugs
Marsha