Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on August 26, 2016 at 9:24am

Bill......I'm sorry I have to welcome you to this group.  A group none of us wanted to join but has been very helpful to "talk" to others who understand our grief.  Those who are telling you it will get better with time must not have lost a spouse or they wouldn't say any such thing to someone who is in raw grief.  I myself am still fairly new to this.  I lost my husband of almost 27 years in January.  He was just 52 years old.  It's 7 months now for me but it doesn't feel that long.  I miss him more each day.   Like your wife, my husband had many health issues.  His issues affected his organs.  Beginning with his heart attack and triple bypass in 2008, each year since then had been dictated by his medical needs.  Some not so bad, others required multiple hospitalizations until his body finally gave out in January.  I'm telling you this in the hopes that you won't feel so alone.  Many of us on this site understand what you have been through and the bond between you and Debbie made it possible. 

It's much too soon for you to consider moving forward.  Right now you just need to get through one day at a time and even at that, cut the day down to 1 hour at a time.  The fact that there are other people living in the house with you does not help with your grief and loneliness.  You could be living with 100 people and it wouldn't matter.  I know this also because my sister has been living with us for 4 years (was supposed to be 6 months).  Now I have people who assume that because she's there, that all is well.  She is not the person I want to come home to at night.  Having her there actually bothers me.

I hope you'll be able to find the support you need here.  The main wall for the Bereaved Spouses group is where most of the conversation takes place.  If you haven't already scrolled through and read it, you may want to as it may help somewhat.

Hugs and prayers to you.

Sara

Permalink Reply by Harold McKinstry on August 26, 2016 at 9:35am

Bill

Sorry for your loss, my wife passed away 1-29-16. This Sunday would have been our 12th Anniversary It was second marriage for us too, she had been single 10 years Me 8 years. About seven years ago Diane had developed blood clots all through her legs stomach and in her lungs. They sent her to U of M Hospital they weren't real hopeful at first but did open up and get some blood flow in her affected veins. She had a clotting disorder, the shock to her body developed new problems restless legs, fibromyalgia, COPD got worse. She could get around okay but dealt with pain and couldn't do as much as she used to do. They would check her yearly for new clots, thankfully she never had any. The last year she had more pain in her right leg, they suggested going in with balloon and  remove some old scar tissue and try to increase blood flow, to relieve pain. They had done procedures similar in the past with no problem. To make a long story short at the end of operation she started bleeding heavily from her throat got into her lungs, developed a severe infection had pneumonia twice, and kidneys shut down. She spent 5 weeks in intensive care on a ventilator, trying to clear up all her problems. Finally they sent her to home hospital to try to get off ventilator and dialysis she had a tracheotomy done for her ventilator. One day scar tissue broke off around ventilator site started bleeding again, got it under control. That night got call her heart had stopped for twenty nine minutes body had been through too much and had to make the decision to turn off ventilator. 

  After seven months the pain has changed, I'm not crying all the time, some acceptance but still painful. I do believe what people say It's always painful, but you learn to cope a little bit better, your bad days aren't as often or last as long. The loneliness is something I deal with daily also, try to do the right things keep in contact with people go to eat with a friend, get out of the house for a walk or whatever. I have found it very helpful to post on her often and to respond to others post. If you haven't gone through this you can't understand what it is like, everyone on this site is after one thing trying to get through this and help other people get through it also I have found it helpful to honor Diane by taking care of things that were important to her. Her Dad is 92 lives alone, I take him to Church every Sunday (she always did that) help out and keep in touch with her grown Daughters, and keep in touch with our grandson. His father isn't around much, so we always went to all his sports and had him over often. She always loved her flower garden I made it a memorial garden to her, cleaned it up plated new stuff. Got plaques with sayings on it and angel statue's through out. I have found peace when I work in her garden. These are things that have worked for me, Hang in there Bill it sucks but we all have to find a why to find some joy in life and a reason to keep going on. I'm still searching making some progress I guess.

          

Permalink Reply by sandra lee pirozzi on August 26, 2016 at 9:47am

SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.  I LOST MY HUSBAND OF THIRTY YEARS  IN 2012 I,M STILL GRIEVING EVERYONE DEALS WITH A LOSS  IN THEIR OWN WAY.  I COMPLETELY UNDER STAND THE LONELINESS EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN,  ITS EXTREMELY HARD WHEN LOSING A SPOUSE.  I HAVE BEEN READING THE DISCUSSION ON THIS SITE SINCE 2012.  IT IS VERY HELPFUL .  I ALSO WAS TOLD BY PEOPLE THAT IT GETS BETTER BUT FOR ME IT IS MORE LIKE I HAVE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO TAKE IT DAY BY DAY THE NEW LIFE WITHOUT MY BELOVED HUSBAND.  ITS LIKE I JUST ADJUST AND GET USE TO LIFE WITHOUT MY SPOUSE .  JUST HOLD ON TO ALL THE MEMORIES AND HAVING FAMILY AROUND HELPS EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT NOT FEEL THAT WAY IN THE BEGINNING OF YOUR NEW JOURNEY GET PROFESSIONAL HELP IF YOU NEED IT THAT MIGHT HELP AGAIN I,M VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS .  SANDY

Permalink Reply by Rolland Wood on August 26, 2016 at 10:29am

Bill, I'm sorry that you had to suffer this loss, after losing my wife Janice of 30 years, back in June of 2013 I've always maintained that I wouldn't wish the pain and emotional devastation of such a loss on my worst enemy. It's been 3 and a half years since I came home from work and found my beloved deceased on our bedroom floor, from a travelling blood clot that stilled her beautiful heart. It feels like only yesterday at times, with time I've learned to cope, but I've never fully recovered 'MYSELF' and I doubt if I ever will. Loneliness is a constant companion, one that I could gladly do without, it's tough to lose your person and the other half of who you were, and be happy. The only living consolation I have is an Amazon Parrot that I bought Janice back in 1988 for her birthday, they have longevity of life, her name is Oz, she loves me :-).. May you have peace my friend. Rolland

Permalink Reply by Deb S on August 27, 2016 at 9:00am

Roland, Thank you for posting. Each of your words ring true for me and it helps to read about your experience. I smiled when I read that you have an Amazon parrot. I added two amazons to my flock shortly after my husband died. They stay in the master bedroom. I named one "Honey" and the other "Sweetie Pie".  My "before" morning routine continues every morning. I greet the amazons the way I greeted my husband. I say "Good morning Honey. Good morning Sweetie Pie. How are you this morning? You are good, you are great, you are wonderful." It has helped.  Debbie

Permalink Reply by Deb S on August 27, 2016 at 8:52am

Bill, Thank you for posting and sharing about Debbie. You are not alone. I speak with my husband all the time. My brain has accepted that he is no longer here but my heart still doesn't compute that he is physically gone. The despair created by his absence is sometimes unbearable.

Your loss is recent. Please know that the first few to several months after losing my husband remains a fog. I spent a lot of time on the couch with mindless TV as background noise allowing myself whatever time I needed to register my loss. Slowly, I came out of the fog. Slowly, I began to heal.

Please be kind to yourself. I am glad that you posted. You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Debbie

Permalink Reply by Ethel Keller on November 2, 2016 at 5:26pm

Lost my husband 12 Feb 2016, I also have a hard time, wonder when will he come get me. When I wake up each morning, I wonder what is he waiting on. Guess it's just not my time. I cry daily, hoping to see him each day.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on November 12, 2016 at 10:12pm

Bill,

Thank you for finding us and choosing to come here and talk about your situation. Now what I have done here, so I have been told by both our members here and the hospice where I got my counselling after my wife passed, is a good thing. However, I will emphasize that this is not meant to be a replacement for an in person grief support group.

 I will suggest you find the hospice in your area and call them. What mine did was provide me with a companion who would meet with me every week for the first year and help me start the process. I was in a support group in six months after she had passed, which is the recommended time before you join a group. Mine helped so much, partly because I really realized I was not alone, that there were other people very close to me who were going through the same things I was. That helped me probably more than anything.

As you can see, someone is always here when you need to talk. You have a voice here, you have a place here.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on November 12, 2016 at 10:15pm

Ethel,

Please take the things I said to Bill and use these tools yourself as well. If either of you need help finding your local hospice please message me with your location and I will be more than happy to connect you with people in your area to help you.