Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on November 24, 2012 at 11:28am

Dear Kathy, you have suffered a significant loss. Your ex husband was your life for 20 years, and just because you were divorced does not mean those feelings went away. And also he was the father of your children. You need to grieve and get some counselling if at all possible. For you to have told him before he died how much you and the family loved him, he took that to Heaven with him.
Take care,
Carol

Permalink Reply by janice shannon on November 24, 2012 at 11:41am

Kathy I am sorry for your loss, the anger and resentment that you feel is very hard on you.  I did a little research and from what I read it is not normal for the ex spouse to be mentioned in an obituary the reason being is that they are usually written by funeral home directors that follow a template.  I too lost an ex spouse years ago and we had a daughter.  I was not married to him very long tho 6years I think if memory serves.  But 6 months ago I lost the love of my life married for 32 years so I think because you were married for 20 years you are grieving heavily for a spouse whom you still love very much.  Just know that there are NO normals where grief comes in.  It is a very long and painful road.  You need to take very good care of yourself and just get through one day at a time.  Coming to this site helps allot the people here are very loving and caring and will always talk with you.  We all share a common bond.    Janice

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on November 24, 2012 at 2:44pm

Dear Kathy ...  I am so sorry you have had to come to our group, but you are lucky in the fact we are all going through different stages of our grief and this forum is very supportive and we all understand. When one falls the rest picks them up.  My beloved husband passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer.  I still miss him ever second of every day. 

It was very unkind of your ex husband's wife to not mention you and the children or, at least his children.  Your ex husband did have a life before and did have children with you.  His wife may have been in too much of a fog to know what she was saying or doing regarding the obituary.  I am so glad that his older sister had you talk to your ex husband by phone.  He heard you!

Your emotions are very common and even though he has been married for 4 years to someone else you had children together and there will and would always be that bond between the two of you.  Exes are left out in the cold unfortunately, so you feel this bond because he was such a part of your life and you have a right to grieve.  It is complex grief considering your circumstances.  You feel deserted; alone; left out of the mix of his new family so experiencing anger is common also. 

Don't just group yourself as an 'ex wife.'  Your ex husband had been a great part of your life you in ways you can consider yourself as a widow to a degree and it doesn't lessen the pain or anger that you feel especially because of the children you had together.  You should seek counseling either by Hospice or a one-on-one counseling to help you get through your mixed feelings to try and cope with your situation.

Yes, what you are experiencing is normal. If you hadn't had children together then the grief may have been easier on you, but the bond in clear and he was the father of your children so mourning for him is very normal.

I was married before and had no children with my ex, but he did remarry and has two daughters with his new wife.  When his younger brother died at age 40 I phoned my ex to offer my condolences and meant it and I hadn't talked to my ex in many years, but there was still that bond there and I could feel his shock; disbelief and grieving time.  We talked for quite awhile and I just listened to how he felt.  I realized then that even though he was my ex I did care how he felt when it came to losing someone close to him.  I sent out flowers and a sympathy card, but not included in the funeral and although not angry at all I just didn't go to the funeral for fear of upsetting the rest of the family.  I will try to find some information for you regarding exes passing away.  Believe me Kathy, what you are experiencing is very normal and you have that right.  He had been your husband; you had his children and the bond is always strong.

Please keep coming to this forum so we can help you through your grief.  This forum is a God-send to all of us and helps us get through some difficult moments when others around us don't always understand.  It's all about taking baby steps.  Another thought is if your ex husband was buried then you or you and your children have the right to visit his grave site and it will give you a chance to talk to him about your feelings.

Hugs

Marsha 

Permalink Reply by Kathy Cormier on November 26, 2012 at 7:30am

Thank you Carol , I have been thinking of counseling

Carol Kayser said:

Dear Kathy, you have suffered a significant loss. Your ex husband was your life for 20 years, and just because you were divorced does not mean those feelings went away. And also he was the father of your children. You need to grieve and get some counselling if at all possible. For you to have told him before he died how much you and the family loved him, he took that to Heaven with him.
Take care,
Carol

Permalink Reply by Kathy Cormier on November 26, 2012 at 7:33am

it not that I was not mentioned but , His whoel life an his other children who are his blood an all our grand children an even a new great grand son . I am deeply hurt for them as it was said to me . Mom did we nto matter or were wanted ?  That upset me to no end .
janice shannon said:

Kathy I am sorry for your loss, the anger and resentment that you feel is very hard on you.  I did a little research and from what I read it is not normal for the ex spouse to be mentioned in an obituary the reason being is that they are usually written by funeral home directors that follow a template.  I too lost an ex spouse years ago and we had a daughter.  I was not married to him very long tho 6years I think if memory serves.  But 6 months ago I lost the love of my life married for 32 years so I think because you were married for 20 years you are grieving heavily for a spouse whom you still love very much.  Just know that there are NO normals where grief comes in.  It is a very long and painful road.  You need to take very good care of yourself and just get through one day at a time.  Coming to this site helps allot the people here are very loving and caring and will always talk with you.  We all share a common bond.    Janice

Permalink Reply by Kathy Cormier on November 26, 2012 at 7:54am

Hi Marsha , first let me say thank you for your letter which was a comfort as was the other 2 I got .

I am so sorry you lost your husband . An on April 27th which was out anniversary date . Ray & I had been together since I was 18 an now I am 53 yrs old . So thats a very long time he has been in my life . So much history so many years .

His stroke on the 16th of this month was such a shock an as soon as his sister contacted me I was in instand tears . Yes he was the love of my life , an had it not been for his cheating or drinking I would still of been marred to him . I have forgave him for it all .

The 4 days before he actually passed I woke up every night at 10 pm screaming his name . An for the past 6 months or so I had been having so many dreams of him an his parents . An of our son who has also passed away an would be 26 yrs old right now .

When I asked his sister the night before the life support was to be shut down if I could please speak to him by one of them holding a phone to his ear .I told her This was so mething i felt I needed to do was saygood bye to him an reminded her that he had been my world since I was 18 .

So when she did call the next morning I was one of the last to speak to him before they unplugged him . I told him I knew he could hear me . An how much I loved an adored him an that our life together had been presious to me . An That it was ok for him to go , an that I would continue to miss him the rest of my days . An told him to go find our son . An to stay near me . An I told him how much all the kids loved him an that we had a life time of wonderful memories to sustain us until we were all together again . an how much the grand children loved there Papa .  I felt it important that no matter what he hear this from me .

I also sent a message to my sister inlaw asking about his new wife Tina , as I have felt bad for her an I know how she is feeling as I am sure its the pain I feel . I do not feel Anger towards her for being his wife

or for any reason . I really do feel badly for her . What I should clear up about hte anger I feel is that at least his children an grand children were nto counted as his children in his obit but his step children were an it said they were his children . An I feel angry that his life was cut so short an so much left undone . I feel anger t hat the 1 man who had been my life an heart was no gone an never again would I get to do or share or say anything to him again .

I am angry his life support was pulled so quickly an not sufficent time allowed for all family members to get down to Florida to see him an say good bye or to wait an see if he came out of the coma .

I just do not understand wht the rush was to shut him off it .

Since he has passed now I am flooded with so many memories of things I thought I had forgot . I have had to laugh as I remembered some really funny moments in life . AS he really was a fun person .

In this past week I have been on a roller coaster so to speak with different emotions . An concern for my daughters an grand children . My oldest grand dauighter will nto talkof him at all an its like this never happened to her . Shes shut it out .    

I am sorry I am being nso long winded guess I needed to ramble some . an I do thank you all for the support an an understanding . An I am very sorry as you all are of what has brought us all to this place of loss an grief .  

a H said:

Dear Kathy ...  I am so sorry you have had to come to our group, but you are lucky in the fact we are all going through different stages of our grief and this forum is very supportive and we all understand. When one falls the rest picks them up.  My beloved husband passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer.  I still miss him ever second of every day. 

It was very unkind of your ex husband's wife to not mention you and the children or, at least his children.  Your ex husband did have a life before and did have children with you.  His wife may have been in too much of a fog to know what she was saying or doing regarding the obituary.  I am so glad that his older sister had you talk to your ex husband by phone.  He heard you!

Your emotions are very common and even though he has been married for 4 years to someone else you had children together and there will and would always be that bond between the two of you.  Exes are left out in the cold unfortunately, so you feel this bond because he was such a part of your life and you have a right to grieve.  It is complex grief considering your circumstances.  You feel deserted; alone; left out of the mix of his new family so experiencing anger is common also. 

Don't just group yourself as an 'ex wife.'  Your ex husband had been a great part of your life you in ways you can consider yourself as a widow to a degree and it doesn't lessen the pain or anger that you feel especially because of the children you had together.  You should seek counseling either by Hospice or a one-on-one counseling to help you get through your mixed feelings to try and cope with your situation.

Yes, what you are experiencing is normal. If you hadn't had children together then the grief may have been easier on you, but the bond in clear and he was the father of your children so mourning for him is very normal.

I was married before and had no children with my ex, but he did remarry and has two daughters with his new wife.  When his younger brother died at age 40 I phoned my ex to offer my condolences and meant it and I hadn't talked to my ex in many years, but there was still that bond there and I could feel his shock; disbelief and grieving time.  We talked for quite awhile and I just listened to how he felt.  I realized then that even though he was my ex I did care how he felt when it came to losing someone close to him.  I sent out flowers and a sympathy card, but not included in the funeral and although not angry at all I just didn't go to the funeral for fear of upsetting the rest of the family.  I will try to find some information for you regarding exes passing away.  Believe me Kathy, what you are experiencing is very normal and you have that right.  He had been your husband; you had his children and the bond is always strong.

Please keep coming to this forum so we can help you through your grief.  This forum is a God-send to all of us and helps us get through some difficult moments when others around us don't always understand.  It's all about taking baby steps.  Another thought is if your ex husband was buried then you or you and your children have the right to visit his grave site and it will give you a chance to talk to him about your feelings.

Hugs

Marsha 

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on November 26, 2012 at 2:58pm

Hi Kathy ...  You are very welcome and I am happy I could give you some comfort.  That is what makes this forum so unique. No one judges another and you can express your feelings without fear of judgement.

Thank you as I still have some rough days missing my beloved.  Now I have to try to find out 'who me is' and that's not an easy task for any of us. You certainly did have a long relationship with your ex.  I know so many people who met in their teens; married and lost their spouse.We do have so much in common.  My ex would go out drinking and was a constant cheater on me and that is when I had no option, but to divorce him.  It broke my heart.  He begged me to come back, but I just couldn't go through it again as I'd given him chances to clean up his act several times.  I didn't have any anger towards him, but just moved on in my life. I am so sorry your ex suffered a stroke.  Sometimes strokes can cause blood clots to the brain while other times (like my dad) they can live on for quite some time.  It depends on how much damage is done by the stroke.  I am also very sorry that your son passed and again, we have something in common.  When my ex and I were together I gave birth to twin sons and unfortunately they were born prematurely and one son passed away within a day while our other son passed away 3 days later.  I was like a zombie for almost a year.  We had no other children. 

It was so nice of his sister to let you talk to your ex.  It's important to him that you had your say in how you felt about him as most of us regret mistakes we've made; feel guilt and you released him of all that and your words to him were wonderful and I have no doubt he heard you.You were so kind to ask about his wife Tina as she would be suffering greatly because of his unexpected stroke and most people feel a stroke victim will survive.  It seems Kathy you are very strong person and you will get through this.  You did all the right things.

We all feel anger when we lose someone we love whether it be an ex or someone very close to us.  I often wonder why some people die at such an early age while others keep on going.  I quit asking myself this question because there is no answer.  I sometimes still get angry that was husband is gone and all our plans will never be.  I adored him; miss him so much every day and had so many things to say to him that I never got a chance to say. I know he knew how much I loved him and I know he loved me.  I feel blessed for that.

It could have taken a long while for members of the family to come and say their goodbyes.  Generally the two spouses discuss how they want to die.  My husband and I discussed it long before he went into surgery.  Both of us did not want life support (no heroics) and wanted to pass with dignity.  So Kathy, his wife or someone she appointed (even the doctors can suggest taking a patient off life support) did as requested.  My father had his stroke and it was a difficult journey for him and then he had a massive heart attack and went into a coma.  My mom; brother and I didn't want to see my father go through it all over again only to have him suffer again as each stroke or heart attack can cause massive damage to the heart or brain.  It is a kind gesture to take them off life support and some patients can continue on without it, but most pass away very quickly.  I can't even stand to see an animal suffer so why a loved one. British Columbia, Canada is fighting for the right for Euthanatia and it's popular here.  Of course a board of doctors would have to agree to it so there is no risk of anyone ending a person's life that shouldn't be ended.

I'm so happy for you that you can laugh at the many good memories you did have with your ex and that's the legacy all our spouses left us.  We also learn from there be it good or bad and they learn from us. 

Your daughters and the one granddaughter will deal with grief in their own way.  Don't worry about them.  The young shut out death because they are afraid of it.  I can understand your own mixed emotions because your situation is complex, but again, you did all the right things Kathy.  Still, you were left on the side-lines and probably don't feel as complete about talking to your ex as you weren't there in person.  Make peace with yourself that you did get to talk to your ex and that he heard you. 

I hope you are having a much better day Kathy.  Time does heal the heart, but the memories will be ours forever.

Hugs

Marsha  

 
Kathy Cormier said:

Hi Marsha , first let me say thank you for your letter which was a comfort as was the other 2 I got .

I am so sorry you lost your husband . An on April 27th which was out anniversary date . Ray & I had been together since I was 18 an now I am 53 yrs old . So thats a very long time he has been in my life . So much history so many years .

His stroke on the 16th of this month was such a shock an as soon as his sister contacted me I was in instand tears . Yes he was the love of my life , an had it not been for his cheating or drinking I would still of been marred to him . I have forgave him for it all .

The 4 days before he actually passed I woke up every night at 10 pm screaming his name . An for the past 6 months or so I had been having so many dreams of him an his parents . An of our son who has also passed away an would be 26 yrs old right now .

When I asked his sister the night before the life support was to be shut down if I could please speak to him by one of them holding a phone to his ear .I told her This was so mething i felt I needed to do was saygood bye to him an reminded her that he had been my world since I was 18 .

So when she did call the next morning I was one of the last to speak to him before they unplugged him . I told him I knew he could hear me . An how much I loved an adored him an that our life together had been presious to me . An That it was ok for him to go , an that I would continue to miss him the rest of my days . An told him to go find our son . An to stay near me . An I told him how much all the kids loved him an that we had a life time of wonderful memories to sustain us until we were all together again . an how much the grand children loved there Papa .  I felt it important that no matter what he hear this from me .

I also sent a message to my sister inlaw asking about his new wife Tina , as I have felt bad for her an I know how she is feeling as I am sure its the pain I feel . I do not feel Anger towards her for being his wife

or for any reason . I really do feel badly for her . What I should clear up about hte anger I feel is that at least his children an grand children were nto counted as his children in his obit but his step children were an it said they were his children . An I feel angry that his life was cut so short an so much left undone . I feel anger t hat the 1 man who had been my life an heart was no gone an never again would I get to do or share or say anything to him again .

I am angry his life support was pulled so quickly an not sufficent time allowed for all family members to get down to Florida to see him an say good bye or to wait an see if he came out of the coma .

I just do not understand wht the rush was to shut him off it .

Since he has passed now I am flooded with so many memories of things I thought I had forgot . I have had to laugh as I remembered some really funny moments in life . AS he really was a fun person .

In this past week I have been on a roller coaster so to speak with different emotions . An concern for my daughters an grand children . My oldest grand dauighter will nto talkof him at all an its like this never happened to her . Shes shut it out .    

I am sorry I am being nso long winded guess I needed to ramble some . an I do thank you all for the support an an understanding . An I am very sorry as you all are of what has brought us all to this place of loss an grief .  

a H said:

Dear Kathy ...  I am so sorry you have had to come to our group, but you are lucky in the fact we are all going through different stages of our grief and this forum is very supportive and we all understand. When one falls the rest picks them up.  My beloved husband passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer.  I still miss him ever second of every day. 

It was very unkind of your ex husband's wife to not mention you and the children or, at least his children.  Your ex husband did have a life before and did have children with you.  His wife may have been in too much of a fog to know what she was saying or doing regarding the obituary.  I am so glad that his older sister had you talk to your ex husband by phone.  He heard you!

Your emotions are very common and even though he has been married for 4 years to someone else you had children together and there will and would always be that bond between the two of you.  Exes are left out in the cold unfortunately, so you feel this bond because he was such a part of your life and you have a right to grieve.  It is complex grief considering your circumstances.  You feel deserted; alone; left out of the mix of his new family so experiencing anger is common also. 

Don't just group yourself as an 'ex wife.'  Your ex husband had been a great part of your life you in ways you can consider yourself as a widow to a degree and it doesn't lessen the pain or anger that you feel especially because of the children you had together.  You should seek counseling either by Hospice or a one-on-one counseling to help you get through your mixed feelings to try and cope with your situation.

Yes, what you are experiencing is normal. If you hadn't had children together then the grief may have been easier on you, but the bond in clear and he was the father of your children so mourning for him is very normal.

I was married before and had no children with my ex, but he did remarry and has two daughters with his new wife.  When his younger brother died at age 40 I phoned my ex to offer my condolences and meant it and I hadn't talked to my ex in many years, but there was still that bond there and I could feel his shock; disbelief and grieving time.  We talked for quite awhile and I just listened to how he felt.  I realized then that even though he was my ex I did care how he felt when it came to losing someone close to him.  I sent out flowers and a sympathy card, but not included in the funeral and although not angry at all I just didn't go to the funeral for fear of upsetting the rest of the family.  I will try to find some information for you regarding exes passing away.  Believe me Kathy, what you are experiencing is very normal and you have that right.  He had been your husband; you had his children and the bond is always strong.

Please keep coming to this forum so we can help you through your grief.  This forum is a God-send to all of us and helps us get through some difficult moments when others around us don't always understand.  It's all about taking baby steps.  Another thought is if your ex husband was buried then you or you and your children have the right to visit his grave site and it will give you a chance to talk to him about your feelings.

Hugs

Marsha 

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on November 29, 2012 at 9:30pm

Dear Kathy I am sorry for YOUR Loss! I just loss my companion, BFF and former boyfriend Barry, of 11 years. We decided to become friends due to my feeling I needed space after I was injured in a car accident and have had Chronic Pain for 6 years and he remained devoted. 
I feel like an "unmarrired widow”--and like you, some dynamics tha tmake it hard to grieve with someone who knows my loss. His family live far and never acknowleged my grief.
The other thing is I understand your love for your ex hubby as I am great friends with my ex hubby, we talk by phone and are very close.

WOW! so sudden! like my Barry he died in his sleep from his heart beating was out of rythm. I just saw him the night before and he was fine : (

I hear you with the myriad of feelings and the anger, I get angry too, I even get angry at Barry for leaving me. It makes no sense...He was your beloved and in your heart you will feel what he means to you. I am so so sorry honey for your deep loss. 

I have my faith and it does help me with God holding me up. I must tell you that withe grief, "you must walk through the fire”. It will come in waves. It will be like a cloud over you for at least 2 years. I get so depressed I dont want to do anything that I used to do. I go through the motions of basic things in life: feed my daughter, feed the dogs, take a bath, etc but i noticed that I am so numb to life now.

I Miss my Bee so much! I have his picture by my bed and this helps me feel close to him.

I ask the Lord to give you peace and strength, and it will take time to feel any sense of normalcy and I am not there yet. AND CHRISTMAS WILL BE TOUGH TOO.

HUGS, vee, Colorado, age 50

Permalink Reply by Joanne Z. on December 31, 2012 at 8:37am

Hi Kathy,  I can fully understand what you are going thru. I lost my ex husband Sept. 21 of this year, we were married 31 years, remained on good terms, and I know him 41 years, so I understand the pain. I feel like I am the widow now, I am in awful pain and cannot move on since he passed. All I do is stare at his FB page and cry....he remarried this year. He had a lump on his head for two decades, to make a long story short, turned out it was head/neck cancer, cells must have laid dormant for all those years (and of cause turned cancerous as time went on) he had an operation, told he would be fine after the lump was removed, and ten months later he's gone. I feel like I am in a nightmare I can't wake up from. Like you I am sure, you remember all the wonderful years. We have one son together and twin grandbabies. I wish I could move on, I can't, your not alone at all...many do not understand because we're divorced, but all those years together just can't be erased...He was once your husband, he will always be Dad to your children, and it's so painful. I can't even bare to see all the new years eve celebrations, 2012 was the worst year of my life. I share your grief, totally. I met him when I was 17, it's many years (like you), that will never be erased. Grief comes in stages, but as long we we live, they will live, and be loved.  Take Care.