Jerry, this is part of my story below, I feel exactly the same way as you, numb, empty, and cant cry anymore, but just think of their last moments, which is so hard:
I know how you feel, it is 8 months since I lost my soulmate, and 4 weeks since my Mum passed away. I feel so empty, a feeling I cant even explain. I am seeing a psychologist, and going to counseling. I have tried so many ways of trying to move forward, but each time it is one step forward, and four step backwards. I have started on medication, and I will say it is somewhat, starting to help me. I fought so hard not to take anything, but had to give in, as I was feeling just like you.
I still feel that emptyness, aloneness, that nobody seems to understand. I have joined a group called solace, and they are wonderful friends that have lost their spouses. I just wish we could all live together, as they have been there, and have gone through what we are going through. I am here alone, night after night, just on my laptop, and that is my life at present. I pray for you, that you will find a way, to get a little help for you. I know it is going to take a long, long, time for me to get back to where I will be free of this grieving, but it is so hard, when you see people so happy, and you are trying to fit in. I want to be with people, all the time, but it is not possible, as they have their own lives. I feel I have been let down big time. I send you love, and big, hugs. Please God take care of my grieving friend. Floss
I am glad that you wrote these feelings because I think I'm in the same boat.I think I'm not letting myself feel,and the thoughts I have are not of good times,but all the negative stuff in out marriage.I think it's a defense mechanism to keep me from thinking about all the good times,so I won't go nuts. Maybe it's a coping strategy,that is kind of unconcious.I can't remember what the sound of my husband's voice sounds like.That has been from the day he died 6 months ago.some of his students sent me some tapes of him in his classes,but it doesn't sound like what I think it should sound like.
I function day to day and try to be possitive ,working and doing things I want to do,but I am still in disbelief and numb,and I have no clue as to what I'm really going through.I start a grief counceling group next week,and maybe I'll get some answers there.I hope so.I need my reality back.I am a private person,too,but I am finding I can't figure all this out on my own.Do you get the feeling that you need someone to validate your feelings? I do.It's a strange place to be in,with emotions,or lack of them,that I have never had before.I am thinking of starting a journal,just to write thoughts,etc.We'll see if that helps.I feel like Alice down the Rabbit Hole.
I am deeply sorry for all your loss, that of your Mother, in particular which is so new, you must feel as if something is out of kilter. I just wanted to let you know that after all the losses my husband and I went through, because of the fact that I wasn't with each of our parents 24/7 it had a different effect on me when it was my husband himself. Other family have passed, all various ages, and when my Mother passed in March of 09 this was the last wake that my husband and I attended together. Because the last time we visited her she had Alzheimer's and didn't know Danny, didn't know me and I had already begun to grieve for her. When Dan passed I know now that I am not the same 'happy-go-lucky' kid as Danny used to call me. I won't go into all my depressive state and despair, so I'll spare you that. But I did want to mention that there have been times when the tears stopped flowing for about a week at a time and they came back so I know for myself and others have told me from the Hospice meeting and I've found out from my grief therapist and from reading books and now I know firsthand that this is not at all uncommon. So, please know that there is probably a reason why this happens, but it doesn't mean that we stopped grieving or loving our spouse. It just happens, it happened to me. Maybe our body knows what we need and if we were in constant crying from day one it would be too traumatic for us. But, please don't be troubled. I can vouch that when my tears temporarily stopped, I know I am still in mourning and I think this is one of the stages we go through. We are "normal" and we are not "crazy" and there is nothing wrong when we think we can't cry, therefore we think we don't grieve. It's not true but I understand others dont like to share their pain and thoughts in front of others but you could just try attending a grief meeting. You don't have to go back if you don't get what you need there. I think it depends on who's leading the group. I wish you all the best. I feel the pain as well, so I know how it is so I will remember you in my prayers that you and all of us have some kind of peace. Take care.
My heartfelt prayers are for you to be comforted through this additional loss. I would expect anyone in your position would feel numb! I frequently feel numb just from losing my husband and I'm quite terrified at the thought of potentially losing another loved one as several of you on this site have done. You just try to take good care of yourself, eat right and try to be active. Our bodies are very susceptive to illness when we are shut down with grief. A support group is worth giving a try. I started attending a small group from church that meets twice per month, not really a grief support, but very supportive in general. It was very hard to make myself go, but they have been wonderful to me right from the start. I am so thankful to have them on my side! Best wishes to you- Christy