Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 19, 2011 at 9:44pm

Jerry, this is part of my story below, I feel exactly the same way as you, numb, empty, and cant cry anymore, but just think of their last moments, which is so hard:

 

   I know how you feel, it is   8 months since I lost my soulmate, and 4 weeks since my Mum passed away.  I feel so empty, a feeling I cant even explain.  I am seeing a psychologist, and going to counseling.  I have tried so many ways of trying to move forward, but each time it is one step forward, and four step backwards.  I have started on medication, and I will say it is somewhat, starting to help me. I fought so hard not to take anything, but had to give in, as I was feeling just like you.  

 I still feel that emptyness, aloneness, that nobody seems to understand. I have joined a group called solace, and they are wonderful friends that have lost their spouses. I just wish we could all live together, as they have been there, and have gone through what we are going through. I am here alone, night after night, just on my laptop, and that is my life at present.  I  pray for you, that you will find a way, to get a little help for you. I know it is going to take a long, long, time for me to get back to where I will be free of this grieving, but it is so hard, when you see people so happy, and you are trying to fit in. I want to be with people, all the time, but it is not possible, as they have their own lives. I feel I have been let down big time. I send you love, and big, hugs. Please God take care of my grieving friend. Floss

 

Permalink Reply by Jerry on February 19, 2011 at 10:04pm

  For the past year, most of the time when I am alone and thinking,I relive the last few terrible weeks that my wife had. Now added to this is the last ffew nights of my Moms life.  nights before she passed, she was laying in bed, and she cied out to my dead wife,saying "Karen take me". This was a sign to me that she knwe she was ready to pass on.   A few days before my wife passed aqay, she asked her best friend whose mother had passed away 2 yers ago, did your mother know when she was about to die. Here friend was stunned, and told her her mom just told her she was tired and wanted to be with her late husband. I know I will get through this,just have to keep the faith, Thanks for listening,Jerry

Permalink Reply by Virginia on February 20, 2011 at 8:33am

Jerry,I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imanage, I do know the numbness I believe we all do, it's like your in motion without realizing it and that all your energy has been drained from your body. I will tell you I had the same horriable visions of the last few days of  Mikes passing,sitting and staring where they tried for what seemed like an erturnity to revive him at our home,then 4 days in the hospital,then the times and days when things took place and it will drive you mad to keep reliving it.As hard as it was I finally had to make myself stop looking and reliving it,it was all so consuming. I  know it wasn't easy for you taking care of your mother and trying to grieve for your wife at the same time.I hope now you can grieve for them both, these months will be very trying for you as you will have more time in your days,know we are all here for you,open up let your feelings go we will understand and maybe you will feel better talking to the men, I'm sure they as all of us would be more then glad to listen and share. Hugs

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on February 20, 2011 at 9:40am

Jerry, I understand what you are going through. I lost Jim Oct.21, then lost Mom Dec.22. These 2 were the key people in my life. I haven't shed that many tears over Mom, I think it's because I know she's finally happy now. We lost Dad almost 23 yrs ago, and Mom was never the same.(I understand that now too).She would have been 93 on Jan.8, and her quality of life was very poor. So I am happy that she is at peace now. Maybe that is what you are feeling Jerry. I don't think it's a loss of emotions. We have gone through alot with our spouses. I find myself trying to stay away from the memories of Jim's last days, because it's so painful. I remember being at my Mom's the 2nd week in Dec. I told her "Mom, I was put on earth to take care of you and Jim. Jim is gone now, so if you want, you can go too, then I can go". We laughed about that. Then 1 1/2 weeks later she was gone. She never listened to me any other time, why now?  Please take care of yourself, Jerry. Anytime you need to talk. we're here. Hugs.

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 20, 2011 at 3:25pm

As much as I try not to relive, the last 2 weeks of my soulmates life, it is hard. I do try my hardest not to think of it, it just happens, how do you do this? I am in counseling, and on medication, but it still happens.
That emptiness or the feeling of being hollow, its so hard to explain. I am trying my best to do things to take my mind away from this, but it is there, everyday, for the last 8 months. So Jerry you are not alone, they tell me each person grieves in their own way, and it will take as long as it takes. I try to put on a good face when I am with people, to show them I am ok, when in fact I am not. I think it will be better if I was not alone, I may have felt a lot better. It is Loniliness, that is what makes it so much harder, God bless, and remember, we are there for you as well.

Permalink Reply by Jo on February 20, 2011 at 3:25pm

I am glad that you wrote these feelings because I think I'm in the same boat.I think I'm not letting myself feel,and the thoughts I have are not of good times,but all the negative stuff in out marriage.I think it's a defense mechanism to keep me from thinking about all the good times,so I won't go nuts. Maybe it's a coping strategy,that is kind of unconcious.I can't remember what the sound of my husband's voice sounds like.That has been from the day he died 6 months ago.some of his students sent me some tapes of him in his classes,but it doesn't sound like what I think it should sound like.

I function day to day and try to be possitive ,working and doing things I want to do,but I am still in disbelief and numb,and I have no clue as to what I'm really going through.I start a grief counceling group next week,and maybe I'll get some answers there.I hope so.I need my reality back.I am a private person,too,but I am finding I can't figure all this out on my own.Do you get the feeling that you need someone to validate your feelings? I do.It's a strange place to be in,with emotions,or lack of them,that I have never had before.I am thinking of starting a journal,just to write thoughts,etc.We'll see if that helps.I feel like Alice down the Rabbit Hole.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on February 20, 2011 at 6:40pm

Dear Jerry,

I am deeply sorry for all your loss, that of your Mother, in particular which is so new, you must feel as if something is out of kilter.  I just wanted to let you know that after all the losses my husband and I went through, because of the fact that I wasn't with each of our parents 24/7 it had a different effect on me when it was my husband himself.  Other family have passed, all various ages, and when my Mother passed in March of 09 this was the last wake that my husband and I attended together.  Because the last time we visited her she had Alzheimer's and didn't know Danny, didn't know me and I had already begun to grieve for her.  When Dan passed I know now that I am not the same 'happy-go-lucky' kid as Danny used to call me.  I won't go into all my depressive state and despair, so I'll spare you that.  But I did want to mention that there have been times when the tears stopped flowing for about a week at a time and they came back so I know for myself and others have told me from the Hospice meeting and I've found out from my grief therapist and from reading books and now I know firsthand that this is not at all uncommon.  So, please know that there is probably a reason why this happens, but it doesn't mean that we stopped grieving or loving our spouse.  It just happens, it happened to me.  Maybe our body knows what we need and if we were in constant crying from day one it would be too traumatic for us.  But, please don't be troubled.  I can vouch that when my tears temporarily stopped, I know I am still in mourning and I think this is one of the stages we go through.  We are "normal" and we are not "crazy" and there is nothing wrong when we think we can't cry, therefore we think we don't grieve.  It's not true but I understand others dont like to share their pain and thoughts in front of others but you could just try attending a grief meeting.  You don't have to go back if you don't get what you need there.  I think it depends on who's leading the group.  I wish you all the best.  I feel the pain as well, so I know how it is so I will remember you in my prayers that you and all of us have some kind of peace.  Take care. 

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Jerry on February 20, 2011 at 10:11pm

 Thank you all for the replies, they are helping greatly.I feel I was lucky to have had these two great ladies in my life, and believe that they are now together and looking out for me from above. I am trying my best to do the things that I know that they would want,taking care that my children and grandchildren.Blees you all,Jerry.

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 21, 2011 at 7:22am

Dear Jerry,
My heartfelt prayers are for you to be comforted through this additional loss. I would expect anyone in your position would feel numb! I frequently feel numb just from losing my husband and I'm quite terrified at the thought of potentially losing another loved one as several of you on this site have done. You just try to take good care of yourself, eat right and try to be active. Our bodies are very susceptive to illness when we are shut down with grief. A support group is worth giving a try. I started attending a small group from church that meets twice per month, not really a grief support, but very supportive in general. It was very hard to make myself go, but they have been wonderful to me right from the start. I am so thankful to have them on my side! Best wishes to you- Christy