Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Peter on January 13, 2012 at 11:30am

Shannon,

    Grief support can be great if you get the right counselor or group. I found that no matter how much we are hurting there was always someone that was hurting more. Then I began to realize that if I was able to comfort them I would feel a lot better about myself. I have a saying that I try to live by. In everything bad that happens to us we can find something good that comes out of it if we take the time to look. I found that my helping of others to understand that you will be OK and get through this gave me a tremendous sense of worth. God bless you and your son...

                                                                             Pete

Permalink Reply by Laura Ferguson on January 14, 2012 at 4:08am

I a so sorry to hear of your loss, I know the pain you are feeling I loss my husband 1 yr ago Oct 24,2010 to lung cancer. The feeling of being lost no matter what someone says to you will get you down if yo let it. I know because I let it get me down. did not feel like doing anything let the house go so please try really hard to keep yourself going. My prayers are with you and your son through these trying times. I would not wish this pain on anyone my heart goes out to you. If you need someone to talk to anytime let me know  and I will leave yo my email. I am still up till all hours of the night.

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 14, 2012 at 11:54am

Today is a really bad day it's all I can do to stop crying. Tomorrow is 2 weeks, I miss him so much I think about him all day. I keep thinking just 3 weeks ago we were planning our Xmas eve party. I hold my memories close to my heart. I know he wouldn't want me to cry but the pain is so much. I feel like I have 1000 lbs on my shoulders. I keep thinking that no one is guaranteed tomorrow I should pick myself up and do something but then I cry.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on January 15, 2012 at 4:16am

Shannon said:

Today is a really bad day it's all I can do to stop crying. Tomorrow is 2 weeks, I miss him so much I think about him all day. I keep thinking just 3 weeks ago we were planning our Xmas eve party. I hold my memories close to my heart. I know he wouldn't want me to cry but the pain is so much. I feel like I have 1000 lbs on my shoulders. I keep thinking that no one is guaranteed tomorrow I should pick myself up and do something but then I cry.

 

Hi Shannon ...

 

I know what you feel like and I still can get that way.  In fact, I've had a bad Saturday thinking about my Ernie and missing all those special occasions we use to celebrate together, but what you are feeling is very normal and grieving is normal as well and in due time things will get a little better.  I wish I had the right words to make you feel better, but each individual goes through grieving in their own way.  If anything try to surround yourself with good girlfriends; cry and talk about your husband and exactly how you feel.  Those friends that have not lost a spouse can't possibly completely understand your loss, but they will be there for you with a shoulder to lean on.  Keep coming back here and talking; saying anything you feel at the time as it does help the healing process.

 

God Bless

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Nancey on January 15, 2012 at 6:06pm

Bless you Shannon and the road you are having to travel.  I lost my love in Sept of 2010 and I am still learning to deal with it.  I just take it a day at a time, and still can't look too far in the future. 

The pain does lessen, but the loss we always feel. 

I took off 5 weeks from work and stayed home most of the time.  I felt "safe" there, not sure why.  I was also afraid to drive at night in case my car broke down and there was no one to call.  I have since gotten over that fear....but how I do miss him and the love and the fun he brought to my life. 

Little by little I've gone places we used to go together and the first time was the hardest, but after that it hasn't been so hard.  I don't know what I would do if I didn't work though. 

I have his pictures all over the livingroom which helps me.  And more of the good  times come to mind then the bad memories of his sickness. 

I'm sorry you had to join this group by losing your love. 

I've learned no one can really understand your loss with your friends and co-workers.  They try but they can't unless it happened to them.

Just take it one day at a time, and there is no wrong or right to what you are feeling.  It's right for you. 

Bless you and your son.

Permalink Reply by Larry on January 15, 2012 at 6:30pm

I have 2 friends who lost their husbands and the two older kids are still dealing with it.

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 16, 2012 at 4:24pm

I went to work today and I smiled cause my mind was off my loss then when I relized I was smiling I felt guilty. I miss him every minute of everyday I also have pictures in the living room and I talk to him in there or when I pray I also talk to him after my prayers. I told him he has never broke my heart before but this pain is unbearable. I just don't know what to do it seems like I have so much time on my hands I asked myself what did I do when he was here, we were homebodies I guess I just cleaned and talked to him. The morning is the worst for me every morning he would ask me do you want any bacon I would always say no and sit with him and talk. I don't like the night time anymore I have all the lights on. Sleep is very far and few between through the night. I hate sleeping alone even if he would get up to use the bathroom I would call out his name and ask if he was okay. I just miss everything about him, his face , his eyes, his mouth, his confidence I always felt so safe with him. Thank you for listening it does seem to help a bit.

Permalink Reply by Peter on January 16, 2012 at 5:00pm

Shannon,

   I can relate to your feeling guilty when you smiled, it's almost like we are doing something wrong but we aren't. It's part of the healing process and it's ok to smile. You didn't cause this tragedy to happen, it's part of life. I found out that when I find myself smiling and a guilt may try to take over I redirect that thought to a happy moment that I shared with my loved one and realize how lucky I was to be a part of their lives. Those feelings will change in time and that's ok because we realize that the last thing our spouse would want us to do is feel sad. The lyrics from the song "The Spirit Carries On" are awe inspiring and changed me even before I lost my wife. Here they are, (The initials can represent anyone, you fill in the blanks)

The Spirit Carries On - by Dream THeater - CD - Scenes From A Memory

[N:]
Where did we come from?
Why are we here?
Where do we go when we die?
What lies beyond
And what lay before?
Is anything certain in life?

They say " Life is too short"
"The here and the now"
And " You`re only given one shot"
But could there be more
Have I lived before
Or could tis be all that we`ve got?

If I die tomorrow
I`d be allright
Because I believe
That after we`re gone
The spirit carries on

I used to be frightened of dying
I used to think death was the end
But that was before
I`m not scared anymore
I know that my soul will transcend

I may never find all the answers
I never understand why
I may never prove
What I know to be true
But I know that I still have to try

If I die tomorrow
I`d be allright
Because I believe
That after we`re gone
The spirit carries on

[V:]
"Move on, be brave
Don`t weep at my grave
Because I`m no longer here
But please never let
You memories of me disappear"

[N:]
Safe in the light that surrounds me
Free of the fear and the pain
My questioning mind
Has help me to find
The meaning in my life again
[V:] is real
I finally feel
At peace with the (Man/Woman) in my dreams
And now that I`m here
It`s perfectly clear
I found out what all of this means

If I die tomorrow
I`d be allright
Because I believe
That after we`re gone
The spirit carries on

So next time you find yourself smiling, Close you eyes and remember him because "The Spirit Carries On"

"The Spirit Carries On" You Tube

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 16, 2012 at 8:11pm

Thank you Peter that is very nice, I know he wouldn't want me to be sad he never could stand to see me hurt. But everyone is right unless you have experienced a loss of this magnitude no one would understand, I would never want anyone to go through this pain. I am very thankful to find this site as it seems to help a little. Never relized how many people are going through the same thing which is horrible. I am thankful for the blessing that I do have and the wonderful memories, but the selfish side thinks we still needed him. I wear his ring on my necklace and I kiss it through the day and I feel closer to him. But I am not afraid when it's my time cause I know he will be there waiting for me.




Peter said:

Shannon,

   I can relate to your feeling guilty when you smiled, it's almost like we are doing something wrong but we aren't. It's part of the healing process and it's ok to smile. You didn't cause this tragedy to happen, it's part of life. I found out that when I find myself smiling and a guilt may try to take over I redirect that thought to a happy moment that I shared with my loved one and realize how lucky I was to be a part of their lives. Those feelings will change in time and that's ok because we realize that the last thing our spouse would want us to do is feel sad. The lyrics from the song "The Spirit Carries On" are awe inspiring and changed me even before I lost my wife. Here they are, (The initials can represent anyone, you fill in the blanks)

The Spirit Carries On - by Dream THeater - CD - Scenes From A Memory

[N:]
Where did we come from?
Why are we here?
Where do we go when we die?
What lies beyond
And what lay before?
Is anything certain in life?

They say " Life is too short"
"The here and the now"
And " You`re only given one shot"
But could there be more
Have I lived before
Or could tis be all that we`ve got?

If I die tomorrow
I`d be allright
Because I believe
That after we`re gone
The spirit carries on

I used to be frightened of dying
I used to think death was the end
But that was before
I`m not scared anymore
I know that my soul will transcend

I may never find all the answers
I never understand why
I may never prove
What I know to be true
But I know that I still have to try

If I die tomorrow
I`d be allright
Because I believe
That after we`re gone
The spirit carries on

[V:]
"Move on, be brave
Don`t weep at my grave
Because I`m no longer here
But please never let
You memories of me disappear"

[N:]
Safe in the light that surrounds me
Free of the fear and the pain
My questioning mind
Has help me to find
The meaning in my life again
[V:] is real
I finally feel
At peace with the (Man/Woman) in my dreams
And now that I`m here
It`s perfectly clear
I found out what all of this means

If I die tomorrow
I`d be allright
Because I believe
That after we`re gone
The spirit carries on

So next time you find yourself smiling, Close you eyes and remember him because "The Spirit Carries On"

"The Spirit Carries On" You Tube

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 18, 2012 at 2:43pm

So today I hear from one of the doctors I work with " shannon there is nothing you can do he's gone with god and you need to rejoin the living " REALLY !!! It's been 17 days what after 23 years together I'm just suppose to forget him and join the living. I went back to work I'm dealing with my sons anxiety over this and trying to figure out how to survive. I call that living, I cant help that I'm sad I miss him. Anyone else go through this?

Permalink Reply by Sue on January 18, 2012 at 4:06pm

I was told as I came back from the hospital where my husband died that, "I could go start a new life".  I was on the phone with this person and I couldn't believe she said that to me.  He hadn't been gone an hour and I was to start a "New Life"??????  Give me a break.  There are those out there that just don't get it, or just don't think before they speak.  Next time I'll be ready for them.  I'll hang up or walk away.

 

It hurts.  I'll pray it gets better.  It's not gotten better for  me, instead worse.  If I could just rid of the pain in my heart, I think I could see what I'm suppose to do.  But, the pain isn't 3 months old yet and I can't see the end of this yet.  I pray it happens.  Sue

Permalink Reply by Shannon on January 18, 2012 at 4:22pm

Susan, what is wrong with people ? They need to get their heads out of there you know what's. I know exactly what you mean I was just in shock I didn't know what to say, you don't think something like that is going to come out of someone's mouth. I pray for you Susan that you find peace. This has been the hardest time of my life I don't know if I can handle it getting worse. Eyes swollen headaches from crying the emptiness and the quite I hate it. I dread coming home but my son and I have to try to be somewhat normal. I pray that he will come in my dreams and tell me everything's okay but it hasn't happened yet. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. Shannon

Susan Gene Guenther said:

I was told as I came back from the hospital where my husband died that, "I could go start a new life".  I was on the phone with this person and I couldn't believe she said that to me.  He hadn't been gone an hour and I was to start a "New Life"??????  Give me a break.  There are those out there that just don't get it, or just don't think before they speak.  Next time I'll be ready for them.  I'll hang up or walk away.

 

It hurts.  I'll pray it gets better.  It's not gotten better for  me, instead worse.  If I could just rid of the pain in my heart, I think I could see what I'm suppose to do.  But, the pain isn't 3 months old yet and I can't see the end of this yet.  I pray it happens.  Sue

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