Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Marianne on August 31, 2011 at 9:28pm

Kelly,

I am so sorry circumstances brought you here.  Although the death of a spouse is devastating no matter how old you are or how long you are married, you and your girls have been dealt a particularly brutal blow.  I hope you have the support of friends and family.  Having young children forces you to deal with life on a daily basis which is difficult but probably best.  Many of us have withdrawn which isn't necessarily the best response (me included).  I hope you can access counseling services through hospice for you and your girls as well.  I have finally started going to a grief group (my husband died suddenly 13 months ago).   You are still in the "numb" stage which I think is nature's way of protecting us.  I don't know how I would have gotten through the first year if I'd had to feel.  I have 2 adult daughters who have been my lifesavers and I know you will gain the strength to go on for your precious girls.  My sincere condolences to you.  Keep on coming here, the support is wonderful.  There are other mothers with young children here as well.  I mostly just read the posts but I find it very comforting to come to a place where others know what I'm feeling and going through.

 

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on August 31, 2011 at 9:36pm

Hi Kelly.  Welcome.  I am sorry that you are here with us.  My name is Renee and I lost my husband Frank June 18, 2010 he was 48 years old and like your husband had cancer.  He too died because of the effects of the chemo.  I have 3 children (2 girls and a boy) and all I can say to you is you have to go on for your girls.  As much as you want to curl up you cant.  Your girls lost their dad and their life will never be the same again so we have to give them the best life they can with all they will miss.  My little one is 12 and she sleeps with her dads tshirts up to today.  I go to the cemetery almost daily and I tend to Franks grave.  It makes me feel like I am still taking care of him.  Know that your husband is near and will be there to help you.  I talk to Frank all the time and let me tell you that I was beside myself this past weekend with the hurricane.  We live in Staten Island New York and the hurricane hit hard here.  We were in an evacuation zone but had no where to go so my children and I stayed and weathered the storm.  I asked Frank all night to protect us and he did.  There was flooding and distruction all around but we were fine.  I am here to give you any advice and help I can.  Dont listen to anyone about how you should feel and what you should do.  I will tell you that most of the people I thought were my friends I dont hear from anymore.  I look at it as it is their problem.  They havent walked in my shoes so they cant understand.  Kelly I am sorry for everything you are going through.  I dont know why these things happen.  My brother is going through a bitter divorce and they honestly hate each other, Frank and I would have lasted forever and he was ripped from me.  I dont understand.....but it is what it is and we have no choice.  I know that one day we will be together again and that keeps me going.  Today I started nursing school.  I need a career to be able to take care of my kids and this is something I always wanted to do and unfortunately I gained a good education in the time I was taking care of Frank and researching any and all treatments available.  Give yourself time then figure out what you need to do to take care of you and your girls....you will find it you will see.  Please contact me anytime.  Love Renee

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on August 31, 2011 at 9:36pm

Hi Kelly.  Welcome.  I am sorry that you are here with us.  My name is Renee and I lost my husband Frank June 18, 2010 he was 48 years old and like your husband had cancer.  He too died because of the effects of the chemo.  I have 3 children (2 girls and a boy) and all I can say to you is you have to go on for your girls.  As much as you want to curl up you cant.  Your girls lost their dad and their life will never be the same again so we have to give them the best life they can with all they will miss.  My little one is 12 and she sleeps with her dads tshirts up to today.  I go to the cemetery almost daily and I tend to Franks grave.  It makes me feel like I am still taking care of him.  Know that your husband is near and will be there to help you.  I talk to Frank all the time and let me tell you that I was beside myself this past weekend with the hurricane.  We live in Staten Island New York and the hurricane hit hard here.  We were in an evacuation zone but had no where to go so my children and I stayed and weathered the storm.  I asked Frank all night to protect us and he did.  There was flooding and distruction all around but we were fine.  I am here to give you any advice and help I can.  Dont listen to anyone about how you should feel and what you should do.  I will tell you that most of the people I thought were my friends I dont hear from anymore.  I look at it as it is their problem.  They havent walked in my shoes so they cant understand.  Kelly I am sorry for everything you are going through.  I dont know why these things happen.  My brother is going through a bitter divorce and they honestly hate each other, Frank and I would have lasted forever and he was ripped from me.  I dont understand.....but it is what it is and we have no choice.  I know that one day we will be together again and that keeps me going.  Today I started nursing school.  I need a career to be able to take care of my kids and this is something I always wanted to do and unfortunately I gained a good education in the time I was taking care of Frank and researching any and all treatments available.  Give yourself time then figure out what you need to do to take care of you and your girls....you will find it you will see.  Please contact me anytime.  Love Renee

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on August 31, 2011 at 11:34pm

Hi Kelly and unfortunately welcome. I have a similar story. My wife had breast cancer and beat that in 1997. But the chemo caused her to have congestive heart failure which took her from me after 30 years last September 26th. This is not going to be an easy time for you to state the obvious but there is a lot of support at this site. Everyone is here for the same reason at various stage of recovery if you will. You are not alone. I feel for you and your children. They must be confused and hurt as all get out. You can do this. You won't and don't have to like it but it can be dealt with. Be as well as you can. The roller coaster ride of emotion you are setting out on is difficult but doable and there is no healthy way to avoid it. Even if you do not write check out what others are writing and you will see how much of it you relate to. Please take care of yourself. Hugs.

 

Permalink Reply by kori jacobson on September 1, 2011 at 5:21am

Hi Kelly, I first want to tell you that I am sorry for your loss, there really isnt anything that anyone can say that will make you feel any better.  I am 37 yrs old and I lost my husband on May 12th, 2011.  He died very unexpectedly in his sleep, so my circumstances are a little different, but the same also.  We are still without our loved one, I have a 12 yrs old son.  The only thing that I can tell you is that each day has its own challenges and everything seems to reflect and remind you of that person that your missing.  The days dont get easier but you do learn how to function each day, I think our kids help us focus more each day because they need us.  I have an awesome church family that I am able to lean on.  You will have bad days and better days, dont feel bad for having better days.  Thank GOD each day is a new day, and remember that there are still blessings to be had.  Take care of yourself GOD BLESS

Permalink Reply by Virginia on September 1, 2011 at 7:41am

Hi Kelly, I'm sorry for your loss and please know we will do our best to be here for you. There are so many of us here and as Chicago said in various stages of grief, some just read the postings and some reply.When and if you have time feel free to read our pages all you have to do is click on our name and it will take you to our page some have privacy settings others don't. Hopefully you will find that just by writting your feelings be it on your page,a blog or the reg. board you will feel better just to get things off your chest it helps an awfull lot just to let it all out here.You will go through many stages of feelings and anger is a big one weather it be at god or your spouse or just the life you now have to live without your spouse..We all have a new normal as we call it. Know you are not alone and you don't have to feel alone here, reach out someone will do their best to guide you. Hugs to you as hugs are good even if only syber ones. Virginia

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on September 1, 2011 at 9:40am

Kelly, we will try to be here for you as much as we can. Many wonderful men and women here who do understand the pain and anguish you are suffering. This roller coaster ride is a tough one. We have all been in your shoes and are surviving the best we can. We are at different stages (my dear Bill passed 18 months ago) and he is missed very much. I am trying to move forward, even moving to a new home because the pain here is too much. We each deal with our situations in different ways but know we understand. Definitely come to our pages and read our stories and ask any of us you wish to be friends. Lots of hugs coming at you...

Permalink Reply by Tess on September 1, 2011 at 8:15pm

Hello, Kelly.  I am so sorry to hear that you had to come and find this website.  Being a part of this "club" is not something I would wish on my worst enemy but please know that we are all here to support you.  I am 35 years old, with children that are 8&6, so I understand probably more than a lot of people.  I lost my husband almost 6 months ago.....wow, 6 months.  I try not to think about how long it has been because I find I make it even harder on myself.  I dread the 21st of every month, as that is the day that he died.  At that point, I truly didn't think that I would make it a night without him...and now it has been 6 months, almost.  Losing him has had a profound change on me forever.  That sounds like, no s*** statement, but I say that because as much as they say time heals all, with time you can move on, all of those things that people say to you---I know that my heart is forever closed.  I don't believe I have any part of my heart left.  Ted and I were married for almost 13 years.  He was my heart.  He brought out all that was good in me.  He made me enjoy life and see the beauty in life.  When he smiled at me, I knew I was beautiful.  Now, I kow that everything that was good in me is gone.  I know that I have to find a way to put one foot in front of the other for my kids.  They have so much life left to live, and I need to find a way to help them do that.  But that is one of my major struggles.  I feel like I fail my kids everyday because I just cannot get out of this overwhelming darkness that just completely envelopes me.  Yes, people say that I just have to give it time, that I will eventually learn to smile again, but I just don't see how I can, when he was my smile.  Our kids are absolutely wonderful kids, but they way I am now, how I am mentally, I know they are better off with someone else.  Ted was the great parent.  He knew how to give the best hugs; tell the stories just right; how to laugh with them at the same time as teaching them a lesson.  I was the practical one, that got things done.    nut together we made a great team.  Cancer took that from us.  We had the perfect little family.  Not perfect but perfect for us.  Continuing going through the motions of life is just me putting on a front to get through the day.  That is all I can muster. 

   I am sorry...I didn't mean to go on this major dissertation about me.  I just wanted to let you know that it sounds as though we are in similar situations and hopefully we can be there to help each other.  I wish I had some advice for you....I guess the advice I have for you is to listen to some of the people on this site.  They have given me some great words of wisdom.  As for the personal advice, I can't really give you any because I am still majorly struggling as well.  Getting up (not like I really sleep anyway) in the morning is really my best accomplishment these days.  Please return to this site often and listen even if you don' t write a comment.  Sometimes it helps to know that you are not alone. And you're not. we are all here because we know how it feels to be in this--I wish we didn't but we all do....

know that we all care about you and care about your kids.  Hope each day becomes a little easier than the last....Tess

 

Permalink Reply by Rosemarie on September 1, 2011 at 11:25pm

Kelly, You are off to a good start, finding this site. A place where you can vent and express your feelings.  Everyone here understands and are all at various stages of this painful journey. Be proactive, seek others who understand and are willing to listen and talk.  If your girls are in school ask about counseling they may even know where you can go for family counseling.  Loss of a spouse also brings on financial difficulties some school districts provide these services as do churches.  I think what I was looking for when I got on this site was Hope, I wanted to know that others had survived it.  I certainly didn't feel like I was going to. They do, I did, (still in the process more good days than bad) You will.  It has been 18 months since I lost my high school sweetheart, husband and best friend and for probably the first year I got on and only read posts. Recently I've felt that perhaps I should give back.  I hope that this brings some comfort to you. This site has helped me tremendously.  Take care of yourself and have Faith.   HUGS   

Permalink Reply by Thomasine Smith on September 2, 2011 at 4:27am

I was up early and reading all of the post here.  My heart was filled with sadness and I wanted to share a few words of encourgement with you.  It takes tremendous strength to go on after such a loss.  I have found that just reading the Bible helps me.  I can pour out my heart and feel comfort that God hears my cries.  And sometimes crying is just what I need and I do that too.  Take care of yourself and your children.  I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on September 2, 2011 at 4:39am

Dear Kelly ...

You have come to the right place and just say whatever is in your heart as we all understand and others have told you we are all going through different times and stages of grieving.  My condolences to you and your two girls.  My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 from pancreatic cancer and we have no children.  I know you feel so over-whelmed now that your husband is gone and now you have your girls to look after, but you can do it and do it for your husband as he is around to point you in the right directions.  As Chicago Beard said there it will not be an easy road to travel for awhile.  I am still having problems, but, we will all manage to walk out of the darkness into the light.  I know at this point in your life so soon after your husband's death that there is not much one can say to ease your pain, but we are here for you and talking often helps.  Talk to both sides of family; don't be afraid to lean on them and ask for help and choose your closest friends to lean on as well.  You are not alone.  Time does matter and eventually you will be so happy to have your children close to you as they are part of you and your husband.

 

Hugs to all 3 of you

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on September 6, 2011 at 1:49pm

Kelly, 

I am so sorry like the rest of these wonderful people on this site that you have had to join our club. But you have found a good place.  My husband also died of cancer, lung cancer which spread to liver, bones and brain.  He has been gone almost 11 months and to me it seems like yesterday.  We were married 40 years and we have 2 grown sons.  I found this site at about the same time frame as you.  I was looking on the internet trying to find something that would tell me what I was suppose to do, I felt so so lost.  When I found this site it was so good to hear that I was not by myself in how I felt, I was not going crazy.  This site has been a lifesaver for me in that no one here judges you, tells you that it is time to snap out of it, or time to start living again.  The only thing I can tell you is that you should feel free to pour out your heart and write anything you want to. This has helped me.  HUGS to you. 

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