Lost and empty

I'm not even sure where to start...I lost my husband on August 22, 2013. It was completely unexpected and I found him when I get off work. I tried CPR but he had be gone to long already. We have a 2 year old son and I have a 7 year old daughter who he loved like his own. I feel like I am constantly on a roller coaster of emotions...I feel guilty when a friend makes me laugh, I feel like I'm a fake since I go to work and talk to friends like I'm "ok" when I'm far from it. I can only bring myself to cry when I'm alone....i feel like hell show up at home any minute. I just can't believe it because it truly does not feel real. I get mad when people say ill be ok with time....the truth is I don't want to ever be ok without him. We had only began our lives together and now he's gone. I feel like I'm being punished for something, I feel selfish for my feelings and I'm scared of what

my life will be without him. I have a constaant horrible empty feeling. I'm doing the best I can to keep my kids happy and I think they are, they both are young enough that they don't fully understand which is good and bad. I apologize for the rambling but that's how I feel...rambled.

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Permalink Reply by Jan on September 19, 2013 at 11:17pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died 6 months ago but it feels like yesterday. I thought we would grow old together we never got the chance to retire I don't know what my life will be like without him. I miss him everyday. My fam

Permalink Reply by Carrie Markowiak on September 20, 2013 at 8:08am

Jaclyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post could have been written by me. I feel exactly the same way. My husband and best friend also passed away suddenly and completely unexpected on August 22, 2013. I only wish I wasn't with him when it happened. I know that sounds bad but knowing that he died with me right there pretty much in my arms and giving cpr to him for over 30 minutes waiting for the first ambulance arrive (yes, it took over 30 minutes for the first one to arrive) has left me with such guilt like I somehow failed him and let him die is unbearable. We've been together since we were 17, we're both 44 now. We have a 17 year old son and an 11 year old son. Both are handling it a lot better than me. I try now to only cry when I'm alone and I fake smiles and happiness but it's becoming harder and harder to do. I hate dealing with people now, I would much rather hide away from everyone.

Look now I'm even rambling. :) If you ever want to talk feel free to email me at cmarkowiak@icloud.com.

Permalink Reply by stacey on September 20, 2013 at 10:02am

Hi my name is Stacey and, I also found my husband on the floor not breathing when I got home from work one night almost a year ago our son was 16 months at the time, I also felt exactly the way you do, I couldn't do CPR I was in panic mode at least you tried I didn't even go next door to get the neighbor she's a nurse. Feel free to talk to me anytime on here or at buggaboo300@hotmail.com I'm so sorry for your loss you came to the right place to ramble and vent we are like an extended family we help each other out in one way or another.

Permalink Reply by Charley Solyom on September 20, 2013 at 10:42am

Hi...I am so sorry to read your post, and I know what you feel. I lost my wife suddenly in April. Trying to keep the kids happy and reassured...there are many good but grieving people here. I am always around and don't hesitate to vent or ask questions. If you are a Christian then remember or know that God is in control, he has a plan, and you will be reunited. Take each day, be thankful for everything(I know that's hard!, and live. Charley

Permalink Reply by Jaclyn Z on September 20, 2013 at 7:32pm

I appreciate.everyones support and words of encouragement. I just don't know what the next step is...im to the point where I'm sick of people that don't know what I'm going through trying to make me feel better...i know that's horrible but I just keep that to myself and realize they only want to try and help. I feel like the people here do have some understanding. carrie- your post really hits home, I wish I were here, I feel horrible because he died alone and I wasn't here to try and save him or at least comfort him. I can understand you're feelings but know that you being there with him was a comfort in sure, not a time of defeat. My husband and I were only together for 5 years but I can't think of a time I had ever been happier. We had so many things planned together and now life seems pointless except for when I'm near my kids. I just don't know. I feel so selfish because I feel like I'm being punished for something. I just want him back. I'm lost. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense but...what does make sense in this life

Permalink Reply by Jaclyn Z on September 20, 2013 at 7:37pm

Stacey- try not to feel guilt for panicing. I panicked too....but I am a nurse so that kicked in pretty quickly even though I knew I was to late. The fact that I'm nurse makes me feel like a crappy nurse and that I failed to see any symptoms he may have had leading up to his death. Just sucks..i hope you get strength in this most time.

Permalink Reply by stacey on September 20, 2013 at 7:53pm

Jaclyn- I have been doing as good as expected for going on 1 year with a toddler I'm only 28 and have found strength I never thought I had. I'm starting group grief therapy in a few weeks and I see a therapist and this website best thing ever invented (I think). I do my best everyday and take baby steps forward. I think I'll be just fine in time but for now I'm letting things fall into place.

Permalink Reply by Jaclyn Z on September 20, 2013 at 8:09pm

Does therapy seem to help? I've thought about it but I'm not sure. I hope I learn how to deal with this but I just don't know how. I hate the emptiness there is now. I don't even know what to say

Permalink Reply by stacey on September 20, 2013 at 9:03pm

I was at that point when I needed the help the most. I have up and down days like I will for a long time to come but yes therapy helps a lot my therapist has got my worry factor down with a few steps she taught me. She's not there to judge me she's never been through it but she help me get from "what was" and "what will be" to what's going on right now. I'm glad I go to even just get all my thought out of my head and sorted out. I believe its helped a lot. I think you should give it a try

Permalink Reply by Jaclyn Z on September 20, 2013 at 9:32pm

think it would help too. I just need to figure something out...something where I fell like I have some control. I really appreciate your help. It means a lot.

Permalink Reply by stacey on September 20, 2013 at 9:58pm

Its not a problem, anytime I can help I will. I'm here to help if you need anymore advice.

Permalink Reply by Courtney Sievers on September 26, 2013 at 5:46pm

The things that you have gone through are some of the hardest things that will ever happen. I am sure that the pain you feel every day must sometimes be unbearable. It is hard to go through the things that you have and not feel lost, but there is something that i have shared with a lot of others that gives hope for the future. There is a scripture at Revelations 21:5 that says " and i will wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more neither will morning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away." This scripture is one of the best things we could have ever been given. The hope is that you will be able to see your husband again.

if you have any questions or want more information on the topic i would be glad to send you more information.