Lost and empty

I'm not even sure where to start...I lost my husband on August 22, 2013. It was completely unexpected and I found him when I get off work. I tried CPR but he had be gone to long already. We have a 2 year old son and I have a 7 year old daughter who he loved like his own. I feel like I am constantly on a roller coaster of emotions...I feel guilty when a friend makes me laugh, I feel like I'm a fake since I go to work and talk to friends like I'm "ok" when I'm far from it. I can only bring myself to cry when I'm alone....i feel like hell show up at home any minute. I just can't believe it because it truly does not feel real. I get mad when people say ill be ok with time....the truth is I don't want to ever be ok without him. We had only began our lives together and now he's gone. I feel like I'm being punished for something, I feel selfish for my feelings and I'm scared of what

my life will be without him. I have a constaant horrible empty feeling. I'm doing the best I can to keep my kids happy and I think they are, they both are young enough that they don't fully understand which is good and bad. I apologize for the rambling but that's how I feel...rambled.

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Permalink Reply by brenda clark on October 3, 2013 at 7:39pm

how do you do this computer things

Permalink Reply by brenda clark on October 3, 2013 at 7:40pm

I don't no how

Permalink Reply by jeanette williams on October 7, 2013 at 11:30pm

I KNOW HOW U FEEL.....ITS BEEN ALMOST FOUR YRS AND I STILL HURT BUT U WILL GET THROUGH IT....I LOST MY SON FEB 10TH THEN 9 MONTHS LATER I LOST MY HUSBAND WE HAD BEN MARRIED 41YRS....

Permalink Reply by brenda clark on October 9, 2013 at 8:36pm

I can relate

Permalink Reply by Roseanne Rogach on October 28, 2013 at 10:34am

I am so sorry for your loss, the "roller coaster of emotions" is the same ride I have been on since my husband unexpectedly died on April 6, 2013. I find myself bursting into tears at the oddest times or at insignificant triggers. There is so much I want to say to him, to do with him, and I feel cheated out of the plans we had. We were embarking on a new phase of our lives when he got cancer. For fifteen months he bravely fought the disease, enduring surgery after surgery as well as radiation and chemo. I was convinced he would survive and was taken completely by surprise when he died. I identify with your feelings of guilt when you laugh and anger when people say you will be okay with time--my sentiment is the same "I DON'T WANT TO BE OKAY, I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK". I am glad you have your young children to focus on, in their faces you will see joy.

Permalink Reply by Patricia on November 10, 2013 at 3:25am

I so understand.
Don't want to be okay, adjust.
I want my husband and my normal back.
We had 45 years and were to start our retirement in September.
This is a very hard time and suddenly no job or husband to focus me.
A day at a time

Permalink Reply by Anna May on December 10, 2013 at 4:01pm

Jaclyn,

Your comment about not wanting to be ok without your husband touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I have not lost my husband but your description of how you feel helps me understand. My friend lost her husband on February 10th 2013 and I am trying to support her but I have learned that even when we spend time together she is terribly lonely and sad. I think she will never be ok either until her Tom is resurrected and she has her best friend by her side. John5:27-28; Revelation 21:4

Maybe I can't remove the load that you and all others that are suffering here on onlinegriefsupport nor the pain you feel but if it is okay with you, I would like to
help you carry the weight of it. I will listen anytime. . .

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Murphy on December 31, 2013 at 12:23pm

Jaclyn,I can relate to what you are saying. My husband passed away on November 28, 2013.. Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday with all the food. He had not worked in years and spent his days at home with nurses coming in. I went to work most days (I teach in a high school) and my evenings were spent taking care of him and the dog. He fell in the hallway that morning and I tried CPR but it did not work. While I knew this was going to happen, I did not expect it now nor at home. He refused to go to the hospital and I think he knew and wanted to be home. I went back to work 2 weeks before the holidays and had one person remark that I would just have to deal with it when he made an inconsiderate remark. I spent the next day at home. My life is empty once I get home. I take the dog for her walk to keep her on a somewhat normal schedule. Once I get back in the house I feel awful. I am no longer needed for the rest of the evening and that bothers me. I am planning on going back to school after the 1st and hope the class work will keep me busy. I paid some of my bills off so I would not have to think of the monthly payments. I always took care of the bills so I knew what was going on in our finances. My kids are grown and have their own lives going on. My mom calls everyday and wants to know whats going on and do I need anything. I don't think that people can relate when they have not been through this. Sometimes I just don't want to be bothered either. I feel like I am living a nightmare and wanting David to wake me up.

He used to tell me that if he went before me that he wanted me to remarry. That conversation popped into my mind the other day. I had to promise him I would and I remember thinking "no way". Now I am feeling bad that I have remembered it. It seems so many things are coming back to me and I don't want to deal with the memories.