I thought I was doing "ok" but I now realize that I need the support of others.  I know everyone's circumstances are different, but we all share the common loss of a loved one. My husband Stan passed away on April 2nd, 2011 at 2:02 AM as I watched him go.  He had been sick in the hospital for almost 9 long months with a bone marrow disorder labeled "MDS" that caused multiple other issues. He ended up on life support (ventilator and feeding tube) but he wanted to continue supportive care and try everything possible to try to get better.  The hospital approached me several times to put him into Hospice but I couldn't bring myself into doing that. We would of been married for 35 years on August 21, 2011.  I stayed at the hospital almost the entire 9 months with my husband, only coming home to sleep at night & care for our pets.   I miss my husband so much.  We did everything together. He was my best friend. I feel like part of me has been ripped out.  Everything I do, everywhere I go, I am constantly thinking of my husband.  He was a huge sports fan so I follow all the games that he would be watching and then I feel horrible as I watch/listen because I miss him not being with me.  Even turning on the radio there is always a song that comes on that reminds me of him, something that he liked or brings me memories.  Thankfully we have so many happy memories and he left me so much with his artwork and poetry that he did.  I have our bedroom just as it was before he got sick.  I have all of his clothes hanging in the closet & can't bring myself to part with anything, although knowing my husband I know he would like it donated to a rescue mission. I can't change the bathroom either.  His toothbrush is still there next to mine.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning and rollover hoping to be able to hug him, hold onto him and then I know that will not happen.  I find myself crying at times at the supermarket wishing I could be cooking for him again. I'll be in the supermarket wondering why I'm even in there in the first place, then I will just leave the shopping cart there & walk out with nothing. This turned to be longer than I intended.  Wondering if this will ever get any better?

Valerie

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Thanks, Sheryl.  I, too, have a strong faith and I could not have made it thru these past 9 months without it and the prayers of many, from friends to my church family.

Sheryl McCormick said:

This is very new for you and each day we are at a different place in working through our grief.  Everything you are doing and feeling is normal for someone who lost their spouse.  You are correct, it does feel like half of your heart or life has been ripped away.  It is the most painful situation I have ever faced. 

 

Take one day at a time and give yourself permission to cry.  There is no hurry to go through his things and donate them, etc.  I haven't touched my husband's dresser or closet since he passed away on 11/5/2010.  Some days are very hard and others are better - now I have momments here and there that tears come right to the surface without warning.  Don't feel like you have to rush the grieving process and "get over it" how can we get over such a deep loss in a short amount of time? They impacted every part of our life and life is strange for us now without them at our side.

 

I have a grief counselor, attend a support group, work (which is an escape from reality sometimes) and most importantly I have very strong faith and pray for strength all the time as I try to figure my life out now.  May God bless you Valerie and comfort you - I hope you continue to share and feel safe in doing so here too.

God bless you and help you each day to feel a little stronger.

Sheryl

Yes I am finding out that one step at a time is better than one day at a time.  The reality that Stan is no longer with me physically on this earth has just hit me like a freight train.  He was my life, my everything. I will never ever stop missing him.

Chicago Beard said:

Valerie (which happens to be the name of one of my favorite people)

 

I lost my wife of 30 years last September. What you wrote I could have written. I still find myself tearing up because I am thinking of her (such as while I am writing this). It does not get easier but it does get somewhat less painful. The world has a nasty habit of continuing on when we need to stop and catch our breath. I still have the majority of my wife's things but will eventually move them on. Meeting her was the best thing that ever happened to me and winning her my ultimate accomplishment. However, as one of the commenters noted we need to take things one step at a time (as a day at a time is way too long for me to deal with at this point), putting one foot in front of the other. Things will change yet stay the same. There is a big hole in your life that will never be filled, at least that is how it feels for me. I still dream about her and want to touch and hug her so bad that I don't know what to do with myself. I am new to this site also but I believe that the support and experience of the others on the site will help me and I certainly hope it helps you too.

Valerie,I am so sorry for your loss and that it took me a few days to respond.My husband will be gone 2 yrs. this Friday and he to was sick for 10 yrs. with emphysema I worked full time and was his caregiver. Knowing what the end result will be did not make it any easier to accept.Everything you are feeling is what we all have and are feeling your not going crazy. I will tell you it gets easier to deal with in time but you never get use to it you will learn to adjust and cope. I am in a new relationship now with a widower from this site and we both know if we weren't together we would still be the way we were only exsiting from day to day.We still mourn for our loss and it will probally always be there.We both still come to this site everyday,I've tried not to but find I must still be here for myself but also for the new people.I feel I owe it to you all because when I came here everyone was very supportave and I feel I need to do the same.I'm sorry you have to be part of this family but we are all here for you and this is the best place to vent and not be judged. Hugs
I totally understand. I do look at other women now and start to go hmmm but then my mind goes straight back to my Rose, I start crying and have to move on. It may get easier but I don't know if it will be good. My father in law, may God rest his soul, did remarry and found love a second time so I know it does happen. Life will bring us what it brings us. I have found having no expectations (and not worrying what others think) helps a little!

Valerie Gernaga said:
Yes I am finding out that one step at a time is better than one day at a time.  The reality that Stan is no longer with me physically on this earth has just hit me like a freight train.  He was my life, my everything. I will never ever stop missing him.

Chicago Beard said:

Valerie (which happens to be the name of one of my favorite people)

 

I lost my wife of 30 years last September. What you wrote I could have written. I still find myself tearing up because I am thinking of her (such as while I am writing this). It does not get easier but it does get somewhat less painful. The world has a nasty habit of continuing on when we need to stop and catch our breath. I still have the majority of my wife's things but will eventually move them on. Meeting her was the best thing that ever happened to me and winning her my ultimate accomplishment. However, as one of the commenters noted we need to take things one step at a time (as a day at a time is way too long for me to deal with at this point), putting one foot in front of the other. Things will change yet stay the same. There is a big hole in your life that will never be filled, at least that is how it feels for me. I still dream about her and want to touch and hug her so bad that I don't know what to do with myself. I am new to this site also but I believe that the support and experience of the others on the site will help me and I certainly hope it helps you too.

Chicago, I agree with your thoughts of your posting. No expectations or worrying about what others think. Life has changed all of us but remember that thru us our loved ones will always be here.
It does get a little better with time dear. The pain comes and goes and you just try to get thru another day. Breathing, but barely alive. My beloved died 3/17/2010 right in front of me. I begged the lord to save him. I am 49 and he was 59. I do not remember much of the funeral. I know I was alone that night and in shock. By the time I went to the doctor I was dehydrated and had to be hospitalised. I self destructed for months. Drinking, doing anything to make the pain go away.. We have 5 kids between us. All are grown and one is 13. I even woke up at 4:00 a,m sleeping by his grave. I do not remember how I got there. I get so tired of people telling me he is in a better place and that I will love again. Pray if you beleive. It has been the only thing that has helped me. I am not alone, our heavenly father is always with me. I still have my husbands toothbrush and belongings where he left them..I know how you feel and I pray you will find some kind of peace.

Valerie it will get better in time.

I know these words seem so common, small compared to your pain right now. My husband passed in 2008 and I conitine to miss him so. His slippers are still in place under our bed and his flip flops in the livingroom behind his recliner chair. His ashes are in the livingroom where I pass each morning as I get up, and can see from my livingroom chair. But my 'mourning' has changed ....just like my old Aunt told me it would..."In time".

Do the things that give you comfort. I kept our bedroom the same for over 2 yrs. Finally I gave it a new look with different curtains and bedding. But other things remain; and will remain the same. Pictures etc.

I never believed in Soul Mates until he passed away. Now I know he was mine. A neighbor called a few months after John passed and told me of  conversations he had with my husband. He said with a lump in his throat that my husband would tell him how much he loved me and how well I took care of him. Then he said something that comforts me to this day. My husband told this man- "I'll love her forever". Nothing has comforted me more. I remember my husband telling me not to mourn for him long as his illness took over him. Just lately those words have sunk in. I have been able to do this (finally) FOR HIM more than for myself. I want him to be free. On some level he may know how awful and empty I've been and be wanting me to heed his request. I have my lady friends, family and lots of precious memories of being with him for 25 yrs. I too will "love him forever". Be at peace Valerie as best you can. Everyone has their own path to travel in their own way and time. Mine has been; and is as stated.

Alanna

 

 

Linda I relate to much of what you've posted. I too was food shopping for John for months after he passed (also of lung cancer and infection). It will be three years June 15th of this year and I'm just now coming around. There are still some clothes of his in his dresser and in the closet. His Army dress uniform in which he looked so handsome, a 'T' shirt we bought at a baitshop the last time we went to the beach together. He was so weak that day. I gave much of his fishing gear to the grandsons and other mimentos. I can't part with a big beach towel I had given him- I never use it, just keep it and look at it. I may never be able to go back to the Florida Keys again without him. He took me there every Mother's Days for 16 yrs for at least 10 days inspite of the fact I wan't the mother of his children. Ours was a 2nd marriage for both of us. There will never be anyone to take his place in my life- of that I'm certain. I love him as much as ever. His razor is still in the bathroom, slipper and flip flops where he last placed them. They give me comfort; still after all this time. Keep posting and supporting others as it helps alot.

Alanna 

Linda Gordon said:

Valerie,  I can't speak for everyone as my Neal has only been gone 6 months. He died of lung cancer which had spread to his liver, bones and brain. We would have been married 41 years this past Feb. 20th. I don't cry as much as I used to, but I think that is due to the medication my doctor has me on. I just feel so empty inside like there is no reason to do anything because Neal is gone. I also have lots of happy memories but so far I just keep remembering the cancer part. Neal died at home with our two sons and me by his side. Neal's clothes are still in the closet and drawers, his toothbrush is still next to mine and I won't let anyone move his things in his "man cave".  The grocery store is hard for me also, as I am still buying as if Neal were home for me to cook for.

 

I wish I could tell you things get better, but I can not. Someone on this site has said it does not get better it get doable. Maybe someone who has been in this "club" longer than me can give you some better news.  This site has been good for me as I feel I can write whatever I want to to vent or just to talk and everyone is so understanding. Stay on this site.  HUGS

Alanna,  I have had many people tell me how my husband would talk about how much he loved me.  He told them that he was happier with me than he had ever been in his life.  He told them what good care I took of him, and how loving I was to him.  It means a lot to me to hear his words come back to me through his friends.  I was his third wife, and considerably younger, but we had a good life together for twenty eight years.  We were very happily married for twenty of those years.  His daughter recently told somebody that she didn't know why her father ever married me.  He died on December 2, 2010, and my life has been in an upheaval every since.  I moved out of our marital home, and into a house that I owned and had been renting out for the last 20 years.  I had to leave things behind because they belonged to his family.  It has been difficult for me, but I know that even with these changes, my life must go on.  This site has been the best thing for me.  Thanks to everyone here and their understanding of the rip in the fabric of my being.

Alanna Bellflower said:

Valerie it will get better in time.

I know these words seem so common, small compared to your pain right now. My husband passed in 2008 and I conitine to miss him so. His slippers are still in place under our bed and his flip flops in the livingroom behind his recliner chair. His ashes are in the livingroom where I pass each morning as I get up, and can see from my livingroom chair. But my 'mourning' has changed ....just like my old Aunt told me it would..."In time".

Do the things that give you comfort. I kept our bedroom the same for over 2 yrs. Finally I gave it a new look with different curtains and bedding. But other things remain; and will remain the same. Pictures etc.

I never believed in Soul Mates until he passed away. Now I know he was mine. A neighbor called a few months after John passed and told me of  conversations he had with my husband. He said with a lump in his throat that my husband would tell him how much he loved me and how well I took care of him. Then he said something that comforts me to this day. My husband told this man- "I'll love her forever". Nothing has comforted me more. I remember my husband telling me not to mourn for him long as his illness took over him. Just lately those words have sunk in. I have been able to do this (finally) FOR HIM more than for myself. I want him to be free. On some level he may know how awful and empty I've been and be wanting me to heed his request. I have my lady friends, family and lots of precious memories of being with him for 25 yrs. I too will "love him forever". Be at peace Valerie as best you can. Everyone has their own path to travel in their own way and time. Mine has been; and is as stated.

Alanna

 

 

Yes hearing words of the love our departed have had (and still have) for us is such a comfort and maybe a lesson that we should be generous in telling others we love them now while we still have them close

Alanna.

Maggie Poxson said:

Alanna,  I have had many people tell me how my husband would talk about how much he loved me.  He told them that he was happier with me than he had ever been in his life.  He told them what good care I took of him, and how loving I was to him.  It means a lot to me to hear his words come back to me through his friends.  I was his third wife, and considerably younger, but we had a good life together for twenty eight years.  We were very happily married for twenty of those years.  His daughter recently told somebody that she didn't know why her father ever married me.  He died on December 2, 2010, and my life has been in an upheaval every since.  I moved out of our marital home, and into a house that I owned and had been renting out for the last 20 years.  I had to leave things behind because they belonged to his family.  It has been difficult for me, but I know that even with these changes, my life must go on.  This site has been the best thing for me.  Thanks to everyone here and their understanding of the rip in the fabric of my being.

Alanna Bellflower said:

Valerie it will get better in time.

I know these words seem so common, small compared to your pain right now. My husband passed in 2008 and I conitine to miss him so. His slippers are still in place under our bed and his flip flops in the livingroom behind his recliner chair. His ashes are in the livingroom where I pass each morning as I get up, and can see from my livingroom chair. But my 'mourning' has changed ....just like my old Aunt told me it would..."In time".

Do the things that give you comfort. I kept our bedroom the same for over 2 yrs. Finally I gave it a new look with different curtains and bedding. But other things remain; and will remain the same. Pictures etc.

I never believed in Soul Mates until he passed away. Now I know he was mine. A neighbor called a few months after John passed and told me of  conversations he had with my husband. He said with a lump in his throat that my husband would tell him how much he loved me and how well I took care of him. Then he said something that comforts me to this day. My husband told this man- "I'll love her forever". Nothing has comforted me more. I remember my husband telling me not to mourn for him long as his illness took over him. Just lately those words have sunk in. I have been able to do this (finally) FOR HIM more than for myself. I want him to be free. On some level he may know how awful and empty I've been and be wanting me to heed his request. I have my lady friends, family and lots of precious memories of being with him for 25 yrs. I too will "love him forever". Be at peace Valerie as best you can. Everyone has their own path to travel in their own way and time. Mine has been; and is as stated.

Alanna

 

 

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