Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on July 3, 2011 at 11:19am

Cathy - I understand. People can not fathom the pain we are in. Having all those events so close together must magnify everything. I am a psychotherapist who has done grief counseling and I am still amazed at what I did not understand until my Rose passed away last September. The loss leaves such a deep hole in our lives and our heart is at a loss at how to heal. Life feels so surreal now. My thoughts and good wishes are with you. 

 

Permalink Reply by Jerry on July 3, 2011 at 1:15pm

  Hi, I feel the same way, the first year sort of flew by, it almost feels like my wife passed away this January instead of last year. As I have found to be true and read here many times,NO ONE that has not gone through the loss of a husband or wife can understand how we feel inside.

Permalink Reply by Cathy Pisciottano on July 3, 2011 at 5:22pm

Its so tue, if you haven`n  been there, you just can`t understand. I though I had it all planed out my life with Ricky. We were going to grow old together, we worked so hard for so we could retire in comfomt. Then BANG, like the fireworks, my life blow up.... It`s still so hard to believe that now I have to go on with out him. I know life go on, and I have to learn how to cope but its all so hard. This life I have been live seem so unreal, like it all a bad dream.

 

Permalink Reply by Jerry on July 3, 2011 at 6:18pm

     I know its hard but you do have to go on, otherwise that terrible disease will be claiming 2 lives, at least that how I feel now. We also had many plans for spending our so called golden years together after our retirement, but not get to do much of them. Luckily 3 years ago, I sort of felt inside me that her illness was taking a turn for the worse,  and I did stop working.We had one fairly fine year, then a year and a half of Drs, tests, treatments and hospitaliztions then at the end hospice at home. Just try to hang in there.

Cathy Pisciottano said:

Its so tue, if you haven`n  been there, you just can`t understand. I though I had it all planed out my life with Ricky. We were going to grow old together, we worked so hard for so we could retire in comfomt. Then BANG, like the fireworks, my life blow up.... It`s still so hard to believe that now I have to go on with out him. I know life go on, and I have to learn how to cope but its all so hard. This life I have been live seem so unreal, like it all a bad dream.

 

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on July 3, 2011 at 6:18pm

Cathy, I understand what you are going through. I lost Jim to lung cancer on Oct.21,210. He was diagnosed in Dec. 2009. He fought so hard to stay with us, but it wasn't meant to be. Tomorrow will be a rough day for me also, because Jim and I met on the 4th of July also. I wish this was just a bad dream, I miss him so much. I'm here if you need to talk. Big hug to you Cathy.

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Franck on July 3, 2011 at 8:18pm

Cathy, Living in the aftermath of our loss seems to be so much harder than trying to fight this beast called cancer. Wade had colon cancer but by the time it was discovered it had spread to his lungs and that was the first sign that there was a problem. It was wide spread "too numerous to count" tumors in his lungs. We found out July 23 2008 and he passed away the 18 th of May 2009. Not quite 10 months. He was a problem solver engineer for Boeing. Super smart, sweet, funny, kind and generous with his time. A more loving man you would be hard pressed to find. This (life &death) happens to all of us weather we deserve it or not. I was in a different situation than most here because all three of our adult children were here living with us while their Dad fought  this disease. They then stayed because work was hard to find and they wanted to take care of me. The last of the three moved out this last week. I now face a new life to adjust to. I'm not saying that it is bad.... it's the first time I've lived alone since I was 20. I'm 52. I'm struggling again with the fact that we were on the brink of "our" years and Wade is gone. Why does it seem that everyone here loved thier spouse beyond the norm?

People still think I should be better by now or they say they see I am better but they don't go to bed with me at night when I cry and miss my husband, my friend, my everything. Life does go on but every thing is now my responsibility. Scary but thats just the way it is. You have to go on. It's been 25 months but after being married for 30 years that time is so short. We need more adjustment time than most people would think. I pray for each of us here on this site that God would give us grace, peace and comfort. Hope is a coveted emotion that could bring all three. A gift I wish for us all. Hugs tonight, Kathleen

Permalink Reply by Jerry on July 3, 2011 at 9:12pm

Why does it seem that everyone here loved thier spouse beyond the norm? I guess if we didn't we would be here pouring our hearts out and looking for and trying to give some support.  I think  people who know me would think everthing is back to normal,but I know it isn't true. It may get somewhat easier,but I feel it never goes away.God Bless us all.

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on July 3, 2011 at 10:10pm

My husband also had lung cancer. No symptons until April 19, 2010, told on April 27, 2010 that it was lung cancer, (the fast growing type), told on Sept. 9, 2010 that it had spread to his liver, bones and brain and the love of my life passed away October 15, 2010.  Five short months from beginning to end. I know I have said over and over again the above about how fast the cancer went, but I thank you all for listening once again.  It has almost been 9 months since he has been gone and it still seems like yesterday.

Neal and I also had made plans for retirement, but never got to do any of the things we planned. Neal wanted to make sure our company was stable for our sons to take over and 2010 was not a good year for our construction company and then in April 2010 the nitemare started.

As for why does it seem that people on this site love their sprouse beyond the norm, I  can only speak for myself.  Neal was my soulmate and I don't say that lightly.  I think that in life you only have one real soulmate and Neal was mine.  You may have other loves in your life, but there is always just the one soulmate.  Neal was a good man. He had a very big heart and his family came first.  He was always a good provider and the best Daddy to our sons, a hands on Daddy.  Don't misunderstand me, I don't have Neal on a pedistal, I knew his bad points as I know my own.  Our marriage was perfect in that we were meant for each other.  We had our disagreements, but we always worked them out and went on.

My youngest son came in the other day and found me crying.  I told him that I miss his Daddy so much, I even miss the disagreements we had.  And I do, because most of the time when we were disagreeing, we would end up laughing about what we were talking about.  I just miss everything about him.

This new life I have been shoved into is the pits.  I hate it and all that goes with it, but what other choices do I have.  I just keep going one day at a time, having my bad sad days and my just ok days, and that is all I can do now.  HUGS to all of my new friends who have also been shoved into this new life.

Permalink Reply by Barbara Roth on July 3, 2011 at 10:20pm

We were very fortunate to have the spouses we had, and we were fortunate to have the love. I think that's why we miss them so much. People seem to think I am doing okay, even have my daughters fooled. Like you Kathleen, I cry at night when I go to bed,when I'm in my car,etc. Jim was my life, for 38 yrs --- I'm lost and scared. Everything is my responsibilty, it's overwhelming. I've never been on my own,Got married when I was 19 yrs, and now at 58, I'm forced to take a crash course in being by myself. I love and miss Jim so much. Hugs to all and thanks for being here to talk to.

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Franck on July 3, 2011 at 11:09pm

Some how we are in the position to see the great loves that we had. If the general public had this experiance would they see what a gift our/their love was? We end up being "better people" because we see and know how delicate this life is.

All that said....I knew what I had while Wade was alive so I am grateful to God I cherished him while he was here before he got sick. I know that we are all here leaning on one another supporting each other because we hurt so very badly. You are right about that Jerry. I appreciate the love and honor you show to your spouses by being here and letting all of us know that it is ok to love, to care, to miss our loves the part that was ripped away from us. Not our choice but those left behind must go on. For what? only God has that answer.

I understand how you feel Linda. Wade was my soulmate as well. Without him I don't know who I am. Like you said Barbara a chrash course on being my self sounds hard to do....He was my cheer leader. This far in to it and I'm still trying to figure it out! I don't cry as much but I miss my love so very badly it hurts most of the time if I think of him at all.... It's good to be able to talk to people who know exactly where you are.....

Permalink Reply by Deb on July 4, 2011 at 12:49am

Hi to all of you - at least when I read your posts, I know that I am not totally going crazy!  I lost my love to colon cancer with metastasis on June 20, 2009.  He was diagnosed in April 2008 - we went to chemo treatments every week for a year, until they stopped them at the end of May 2009 because they were no longer helping.  I agree with each of you that unless you have lost your mate, you cannot really possibly know how it feels.  Even though it has been almost 25 months, I still have difficulty at times sleeping, my eating habits have gone to the pits, and I cry almost every night when I go to bed!  Wow, how I miss him!!

 

The most frustrating thing to me is the people who are alive and have husbands/wives still living, who do not appreciate every minute they can with them!!!  I have a friend who has been married to her husband for over 20 years and she talks to him so hatefully - almost all the time.  I told her that one day she is going to miss him so very much, and she just doesn't realize how thankful she should be that they are both in good health!!  She is also one who doesn't realize why I'm not going out with friends, family, etc -- we live about 900 miles apart.  I have one brother and sister-in-law who keep in frequent touch.  Other than that, seems like both his family and mine have forgotten me completely!  Life is just so lonely . . and so unfathomable if you have never experienced it!! 

 

Please take time July 4th to remember the good, fun times and the memories and loves we have each shared.  That is the only way I have found to cope with the holidays when we should be together having fun!!  You are all in my thoughts - thank you for letting me vent!!  God bless - hugs -- hugs are good!!!

Permalink Reply by Pete Bronson on July 6, 2011 at 4:06pm

Cathy I, too, lost my only love to Lung and Abdominal Cancers. My Rose was diagnosed on Sept 8, 2010 and passed away from the cancer Nov 27, 2010, we had no time to prepare and she had gone down hill so quickly we did not have time to even discuss treatments. She spent a month in the Hospital, most of it in the critical care unit. Rose did not make it to 56, her birthday was Jan 6th, we had been living together since  Feb 8. 1980 just 8 days after my 18th birthday.

 

I am shunned by my family and our friends, no one wants to be reminded of how terrible life is after the loss of your spouse. It is a very lonely existence but some how I do my best to carry on. I am contemplating therapy because I can no longer function in the business world, my emotions get the best of me many times in an hour, and have been told by my younger sister that I am ruined physiologically by this life event.

 

You are not alone, we all lean on each other here if for nothing more then a sympathetic ear and some compassion. Most of us here would agree that no one knows how hard this life experience is until it happens to them, although I would not wish this on anyone.

 

 

Hugs to all,

 

Pete

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