May 22, 2011

When I used to say my morning prayers I exulted when thanking God for all the seasons, the exquisite array of living things, the beautiful flowers, the grass, the trees as well as all the natural wonders, the waterfalls, the rainbows, the snowfall, the rythmic splash of rainfall against my windows, and the bountiful brilliant colors of the Autumn trees, the pastel colors of the evening time when the moon shone brightly in the sky and in the morning sunrise, the rolling waves against the shore of the beaches. That was before when Dan was still with me. When I listened to all kinds of music, there was a lilt in my soul and a smile on my face when the beat of all types of genres of music matched the beating of my heart. I absolutely loved all the notes of those whose voices lifted me spiritually and emotionally. That was before when Dan was still with me. When I had tasks that I voluntarily performed on my computer I had to wait for the cursor that turned into a timepiece and my screensaver would pop open of all my pictures that I use of wondrous sea scenes, and blue skies with a few puffy clouds and I particularly was extremely fond of gazing lovingly upon my loved ones, Danny, our two sons, their children in various family settings, Dan and I were grinning from ear to ear. Little did I know that these would be the last pictures during the summer of 2008 when his sister took us to the beach and we were as giddy as small children. That was before when Dan was still with me. Now, that it's the 22nd of May, it's been 16 months since he passed away. Now, when I thank God when I say my morning prayers, life is quite different, even though I am still thankful for the beauty of the earth that God made, I am not as exultant about what I once loved so much. Now, that Dan is not here with me, music is like the sharpness of a dagger if I should hear the melodious chants that happens to come close to my listening senses, I cringe inside with heartache for I wouldn't deliberately listen to music now. Now, when these pictures that I was once so fond of happen to open up on the PC I have a very different and difficult time and if my life depended on it, it is an impossibility to muster up any kind of pleasure, in fact it hurts my senses with physical pain. As an observer of myself, I don't smile much any more. I have temporary distractions of talk and smiles and laughter when my 2 adult sons and 'our' grandchildren are with me. But, at the end of the day I always go home alone, go to bed alone, and awaken the next day alone. Danny, if you can hear me, I still love and miss you more each day. I still wonder if you can hear me or not, but I hope you know that you were everything to me. These tears I cry can attest to that. Some may think I am wallowing in self-pity but I know that I am not. Life is not the same without you and I am just so much in love with you. I am hurting and the only thing that motivates me to go through the daily motions of life is knowing that at least you are not hurting any more. Thank you, God, for that.

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Permalink Reply by Suzanne on May 25, 2011 at 6:23pm

Thank you to all of you, who have made me feel validated. All your words have comforted me in my sad moments. Peace and hugs to you all.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Floss on May 27, 2011 at 5:20am

Suzanne, you write so beautifully. I am not so good at expressing myself in writing. I do enjoy reading your posts.

Today it is 12 months since I lost my soulmate, I am so numb at the moment, still finding it hard to accept he is gone. Son and I went to the cemetery today with flowers, I tried talking to him, but just looked up to the skies, as I know that is where his soul is. I have not posted for awhile, but always read, the posts, which I so identify with. I dont cry anymore, I think it is the medication I am on, as I was a wreck, the first 8months, also losing Mum. I so think of them every minute of the day, but the emotional pain is gone, however, I have not the motivation, or will to do things we loved to do. I dont watch the shows we watched together, I go out and half enjoy any outing, I just cant wait for the nights so I can get into bed, I just love my bed, lol, I feel I can relax and not think, seems like I prefer just to lie here, get on my laptop, or lie and watch tv if there is something light on,nothing with violence in or anything, like that. My son got a movie out the other night called Love Happens, It was all about grieving, Jennifer Aniston, took part in the movie, he was in tears, but I just sat and never even shed a tear, nothing is sad for me anymore, it is like I am in shock or something, I think I cried so much, those 8months, I have nothing left. But I miss my husband so much, I still cant get to look at his photos, or his clothes. His tools are still in the shed, I know I should just give them away, as they will get spoiled just lying there. But the motivation is not there. I wish I can dream of him and he looks happy, I only dream of him being so ill all the time, and that is so upsetting. Sorry to ramble on, I wish you well, and send you a hug, lots of love

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on May 27, 2011 at 6:03pm

Dear Floss,

I identify with everything you said. I'm not an expert but I'm not sure if pills stop the tears. Sometimes grief comes in waves. I know exactly what I think you mean about feeling indifferent. But the tears still come for me sometimes after a week or so of no weeping. In the beginning I just looked at his photos and burst into tears, but I can glance at them now, but I'd rather not because it is like a dagger in my heart that he is not here. I really do understand. I also left all his clothes and things right where they are, as I don't have the slightest inclination to remove them. I know he won't be needing them. I just keep them because I need them to be there because change is hard for me. Even if it's a good change. I had one dream about 6 months after he passed away and I was kissing his face and was ecstatic that he really didn't die and then I woke up and I cried for about an hour and it felt like the dream was real and the first thing I did was say to myself pretty much like Scrooge did, "It must have been a dream.......but maybe it wasn't," and I honestly believe this was a 'visit' from Danny. Everyone has there opinions and there are some things I believe and some I don't. I really don't know if I want these visits or dreams. It seems they would be bittersweet. Life is so hard. I just want to ask God one question. Why do we all have to go through such sorrow. Everything that everyone is going through. What is the purpose. I wish I knew but I probably won't ever find out in this life. That's why I know some want to get over "grief" or get on with their life or move forward because these sad feelings make us so depressed so I try not to post too often as I don't want to crouch on others trying to get "over" this roller coaster. But I just wait for God to call me, I understand this would seem to some that I'm not grieving correctly or whatever but I think the next life must be so awesome where there is no pain or sorrow. It may be another 40 years before I get there but it's gotta be better than this. Sorry to go on but I remember you and everyone here in my prayers. Sending you hugs and prayers for peace.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Floss on May 28, 2011 at 2:07am

Connie, just been reading your post, sounds a bit like my story. I lost my husband, one year ago yesterday, he also had a heart transplant, we had a few good years from that, but eventually, I think the immunosupressants, got the better of his system, in the last 3 years, it was one thing after another. I so wish they had sedated him the last few days of his life, he struggled to breathe, and that is what I see every day, I am so heartbroken, it is like a part of me is gone with him. I have so many unanswered questions, but I know, it must have been his time, I am trying really hard to accept that. I wish I knew how to read this board, as I miss some of the notes, if I go straight to bereaved spouses. You take care and God Bless.

Connie said:

Suzanne, You write a story of my life. I am having a really difficult time still. It will be 19 months on June 9th. I feel worse now than I did in the beginning. I guess I was in shock initially and, although my heart was broken. I was able to go through the motions of preparing for his funeral and, of course, had a house full of company to keep my mind on other things. Once the funeral is over and everyone leaves, reality sets in. I still look for Phil when I wake up in the morning. You would think after all this time, I would know that he is not there and not going to be there. Suzanne, he is on my mind constantly. I think of him all of the time. No matter what I am doing, I am thinking of times we had together and how happy we were and the fun we had just being together. Nothing is the same - nothing, nothing, nothing. Our daughter's graduation day, although it was beautiful, was so sad for me. I cried when she went up for her diploma. The same thing happened at our grandaughter's 1st Holy Communion. I try so hard not to let the kids see me crying. Suzanne, I am so tired of making believe that I am doing okay. I tell everyone that I am doing okay because they really don't want to hear how I am and I don't care to tell them. I wish that I could have my husband back for just one day so that I could tell him how much I love him and that I don't want to live without him. Again, this is not possible but that is what it would take to make me feel better. He was sedated for 5 weeks before he passed. The nurses said that he could hear us and that his mind was "just in the minute". He would forget as soon as he heard it. I sat and rubbed him and told him that I love him and always will love him. I don't know if he knew what I was saying. If only I could know that he did know that I love him, maybe I could feel better. I did not have the opportunity to hold him and reassure him when he passed. Why did that nurse not give him something to bring his heart rate up until I could get there. All these things are still bothering me. I can't rest not knowing the answers to these. Suzanne, I hope to talk to you soon. Are you home during the day? I think I wrote your phone number down the last time you called. I have had my niece staying with me for a while and we were gettting ready for our graduation and Communion. I do want to sit down when I have no one around and talk to you. God Bless