Moving On

It has been 20 months since my beloved Keith died so suddenly and unexpectedly and since that fateful day, I seem to have spent all of my time just keeping busy donig stuff that is really not important but just helps to get me through the day.

Every day I ask myself ' What can I do to keep moving on?

Most days, I do not get an answer.

Since Keith died I have sold my big family home and moved to a one bedroom condo because I could not face living in that big house without him. Now I look at the walls of the new place and wonder if I made the right decision.

After 45 years together I am faced with this terrible feeling of loneliness. When I am ill there is no-one here to comfort me. I fear that I might fall and there will be no-one to pick me up. But above all, not having him here in the night to just touch and to just know that I am not alone hurts the most.

My family and friends think that I am doing very well but they only see what I want them to see.

They all wish that I would just get over it but that will never happen.

Love eternal cannot be denied.

How can I move on? I have done all of the things that the councellors and specialists recommend, but the fact is I am so lonely and miss my darling so desperately.

There have been many books written about death and grief but they do not begin to describe the terrible loneliness that happens to you when you lose your soulmate.

So for all of you who are suffering the dreadful pain of the loss of a spouse, have courage, allow yourself time to grieve, accept that your loved one is gone and try to move on.

Blssings

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tom on August 25, 2010 at 2:17pm

You write pretty good for a dead person ! And no, you don't try. But no one here hates you for it.
To each their own.

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Hi to all, I didnt mean to come on like I did. I know that sometimes we will take things the wrong way and jump in. I know what we are going through and I know we will never be the same. The ONLY ones who try are us. It is too bad that most of us have no one but ourselves to continue on without our loved one. Only we understand that and have to comes to some kind of terms. Me, simply put, I died when LouAnn died. Of course she wants me to live and continue on. But, she also knew how I would be from her passing and alone. Just do what we can and wait for the results. It sure is a sad ending to a great life though. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 25, 2010 at 3:02pm

Tom, Well, I certainly aint misunderstanding your comment.Ask anyone and they will tell you that I am dead. Better yet, naw, dont. Walk in my shoes before YOU give me what for. Otherwise I will not accept these types of comments from you. We can put ourselves under a microscope but what about whats under YOUR micoscope ?

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 25, 2010 at 3:07pm

Hi All, Well I've read all the post this far and I'm going to add my 2 cents,most everyone here except the NEW ones, knows we each have our own personal stories and some are able to move thru the process faster then others, what I am having a problem with right now on this site is judgement, nobody has a right to judge or push their religen or their bible verses, on any of us here. When Mike,my husband, died I was able to pay my house off and pay to bury him, but when we loose a spouse you also loose their income and that really puts a hurting on the way you have to live expecially if you are disabled or too old to gain extra income. I see some have to sell their home, some sell because they want to because they can't live with the memories, each to their own. I am so greatfull that I am able to stay in our home that is now a house,I couldn't bare to live anywhere else that he wasn't there but thats just me. I understand what strugling mentally, and financely ( spelling ) I am trying to get a headstone on our graves and that is what I'm trying for now, things need fixed I'm in a one hunderd yr. old house, trying to do little things as i go but FOR WHAT why to leave it whom ever and they will do with it what they want when i'm gone. When you are disabled as I am and you are pretty much in the house 24/7 and you have nothing but time on your hands and mind. please tell me what is there to try for, at the end of the day we are all still alone and if that is how we want to stay then thats our choice. Lets just be able to voice our feelings and comfort each other if we choose. and encourage those who ask. hugs to all

Permalink Reply by Margaret Clare Sanders on August 25, 2010 at 3:26pm

Thank you all for your insightful and caring replies to my post.
Sometimes just knowing that I am not alone out there helps a lot.
Most of the time, I do try to remain positive and count my many blessings but every now and then the grief hits me hard.
Since my move two months ago, I have been ill and then injured and so was feeling very vulnerable.
Grief comes in waves and one never knows when it will hit.
I wish you all loads of comfort and plenty of hugs on your journey.
Margaret

Permalink Reply by Connie on August 25, 2010 at 4:01pm

Kathleen, Sorry about that but I am sure you can understand what a sore subject it is. I know we are all pretty much in the same situation but some people can deal with life differently than others. That is not to say that anyone of us loved or didn't love our husbands/wives any more or any less than anyone else. It is just a simple fact that some people can pick up the pieces and go on and some have more difficulty doing it. I don't know your mother's situation but Kathleen, you need to give her a chance to deal with things the way she can. I know that I am having a difficult time as is Randolph and Suzanne. I don't believe that we are not trying to feel better but it may be just taking longer or may never happen for us. I know I will not be truly happy again until I can hold Phil's hand again and be with him. Obviously that is not going to happen on earth so I will wait until God think's it is time for me.

Please don't be offended by anything that we might have said. I know that I just feel very strongly that I am doing the best that I can at the moment. Kathy, have a great night.

Permalink Reply by Connie on August 25, 2010 at 4:08pm

Virginia, You really put it well. What is there to try for????? At the end of the day we are still sleeping alone and waking up alone and that is just the way it is. I, too, am disabled but I do try my best to get out as much as I can. Walking is very difficult and I am going to have another surgery on my foot probably in October. That will sit me down for a while. I take my pain pills and my anti-depressants and my sleeping pills along with all the other garbage that my doctor has me taking. I take them to get by from day to day but I really don't consider this living. But....... tomorrow morning my daughter and son-in-law and grandaughters are taking me to Disney World. This is my first time. I have a wheel chair because I cannot walk the park and I am going because they are making me go but I feel so guilty because I will not be able to go to the cemetery. That is probably stupid but that is me. I am hoping to take my laptop so that I can check in while I am gone. Take care.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on August 25, 2010 at 4:14pm

Margaret,I hope you feel better soon.Yes,this grief does come in waves.I think A tsunami just hit!!Peace to you and every one else.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 25, 2010 at 4:52pm

connie I hope you have a nice time I'm sure you will when I went away it was nice but comming home was the pits because the reality hits again so have a good time and enjoy yourself

Connie said:

Virginia, You really put it well. What is there to try for????? At the end of the day we are still sleeping alone and waking up alone and that is just the way it is. I, too, am disabled but I do try my best to get out as much as I can. Walking is very difficult and I am going to have another surgery on my foot probably in October. That will sit me down for a while. I take my pain pills and my anti-depressants and my sleeping pills along with all the other garbage that my doctor has me taking. I take them to get by from day to day but I really don't consider this living. But....... tomorrow morning my daughter and son-in-law and grandaughters are taking me to Disney World. This is my first time. I have a wheel chair because I cannot walk the park and I am going because they are making me go but I feel so guilty because I will not be able to go to the cemetery. That is probably stupid but that is me. I am hoping to take my laptop so that I can check in while I am gone. Take care.

Permalink Reply by bc on August 25, 2010 at 5:29pm

Hi everyone, I've read all of the posts and I know that everyone is different and we all are trying in our own way to live this life we have be dealt. I lost Brad on 8/5/2009 and there isn't a moment I don't think of him and miss him and all the dreams we lived. Our motto when we met was "Dreams Come True", in fact I had a bracelet tatoo done with those words. I find it hard to go on without him and I talk to him every day. During our time together Brad taught me so much, he taught me to be positive when I was down, when my father passed away 4 years ago it was Brad that taught me to be strong, have faith and know that Dad was with me no matter what. After losing Brad, I am lost without that strength, but on the first anniversary of his leaving, I sat at the cemetery at sunset and talked to him and asked him to keep giving me the strength to go on until we are together again. It was that moment that it dawned on me that after everything Brad gave me, the love, the great memories, the strength that I am so thankful to him for, the best gift I could give him and make sure he was smiling down on me (which is the most important thing to me, to know he is smiling) is to try and be more positive and be strong for myself and our children. He always wanted me to be happy, I may never be happy but at least I'm going to give it my best, I am trying my hardest to do it for HIM! And you know something, knowing I'm making him smile has given me some positive days. Yes, I still have my breakdowns, nights are so very lonely without him as are the mornings when I think of the times we used to have our coffee and plan our day and our next "dream", but to do one positive thing a day or every other day has helped me because I know he wants me to. Some may not be ready for this, but if you only remember how much your spouse loved you and your life together, this is the least we can do for them in return. I hope I have helped at least one, if not more with my thoughts. I pray for all of you and thank God everyday that you all have come into my life, you are my angels! I'm here for all of you. Someday all of us will be together with our spouses again, this time Forever!
Love you, Barb

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 25, 2010 at 6:10pm

VIRGINIA, I AGREE WITH YOU 100%. THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENT.

Virginia said:

Hi All, Well I've read all the post this far and I'm going to add my 2 cents,most everyone here except the NEW ones, knows we each have our own personal stories and some are able to move thru the process faster then others, what I am having a problem with right now on this site is judgement, nobody has a right to judge or push their religen or their bible verses, on any of us here. When Mike,my husband, died I was able to pay my house off and pay to bury him, but when we loose a spouse you also loose their income and that really puts a hurting on the way you have to live expecially if you are disabled or too old to gain extra income. I see some have to sell their home, some sell because they want to because they can't live with the memories, each to their own. I am so greatfull that I am able to stay in our home that is now a house,I couldn't bare to live anywhere else that he wasn't there but thats just me. I understand what strugling mentally, and financely ( spelling ) I am trying to get a headstone on our graves and that is what I'm trying for now, things need fixed I'm in a one hunderd yr. old house, trying to do little things as i go but FOR WHAT why to leave it whom ever and they will do with it what they want when i'm gone. When you are disabled as I am and you are pretty much in the house 24/7 and you have nothing but time on your hands and mind. please tell me what is there to try for, at the end of the day we are all still alone and if that is how we want to stay then thats our choice. Lets just be able to voice our feelings and comfort each other if we choose. and encourage those who ask. hugs to all

Permalink Reply by Tom on August 25, 2010 at 6:22pm

I don't pretend to be dead like a mentally ill person. My disease is grief and I'm getting cured.
What the hell is your excuse. You are making the site your chat room to keep people from getting any real help by your same old comments about being dead. And for what ? So you have someone to be miserable with . That's a sickness, and it's deplorable.

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Tom, Well, I certainly aint misunderstanding your comment.Ask anyone and they will tell you that I am dead. Better yet, naw, dont. Walk in my shoes before YOU give me what for. Otherwise I will not accept these types of comments from you. We can put ourselves under a microscope but what about whats under YOUR micoscope ?

Permalink Reply by Tom on August 25, 2010 at 6:22pm

Tom, Well, I certainly aint misunderstanding your comment.Ask anyone and they will tell you that I am dead. Better yet, naw, dont. Walk in my shoes before YOU give me what for. Otherwise I will not accept these types of comments from you. We can put ourselves under a microscope but what about whats under YOUR micoscope ?