Jo, I also went to a counselor after Neal had been gone 1 1/2 months. I think I went to her 3 or 4 times. On my first visit I was almost hysterical and she told me to go through and get rid of Neal clothes. She also told me to throw his toothbrush away because "you know he is never coming back". I could barely breathe when I left her office that first time. On the other visits it seem to me she just focused on my going through Neal's things. I could not take anymore so I quit going. It was after I left that I found this site and this site has done me more good than she could ever begin.
Neal and I were married 40 years 8 months and you are right, you just can't move on. Neal has been gone 8 months and I still sit alot with the TV just going for noise. I have not joined in any activities except for church. I used to read alot, but can't concentrate enough to read now.
You take you time and go at your own pace, this is not an easy train ride we are all on. HUGS
Dear Jo. I have just read your comments around your counsellor visit. I was married to Jack for 39 years and we met when he was 14 and I was 17! So how do you move ahead when you have lost half of your essence, your being? Very slowly, that is how. The role of a counsellor is to listen to you and offer advice only if and when you ask for it. If you sat there for an hour and cried that should be okay, it sure was with my counsellor. She just gently said "Carol, I am so sorry you have to go through this". Sometimes that is all you need to hear. You take the time you need Jo, and I agree that this site is wonderful and allows us to express all of our greatest fears and emotions, and that is perfectly fine.
When the time is right you will know because your heart will tell you.
I am very sorry Jo. This is the most difficult journey you can take. Even more so when you don't expect it. You must take your time, it is so important. Surround yourself with compassionate people also. Do what is good for you and love your children and grandchildren. It took me a while to realize that my daughters were suffering so from losing their dad but I was so wrapped up in my grief I wasn't aware. It is 9 months now since losing my sweetheart and we have just this last while been really able to talk about him. It takes that long. One of my ways of coping is to realize that our loved ones are not that far away. When I say that I mean they are still loving and protecting us Jo, you just need to feel it and it will comfort you. God will give you the strength you need to get up in the morning. If it helps talking to your loved one, go ahead, I sure do! Each of us has our own ways of coping. My doctor said one thing to me and it was "the tears will stop when they are ready to" and in the meantime let them come. Small steps.
Jo, My heart breaks for you. Each of us here have our own stories but only you lost your Dave. No one can understand the extent of anothers loss. But we do understand loss. No one wants to ever face this part of life. We think it happens to other people not us. Sad to say we don't get choices. My inner being shudders at starting over at where you are. I am so sorry! You have every right to cry, to remember, to talk to Dave. I pray that God will give you comfort. It is a rough road but everyone here has given good advice. Keep breathing, eat, sleep when you can and don't let anyone tell you to do anything that you aren't ready for. Finding tasks to do does help as time goes by.
Talking to people about Dave and being able to cry is a good thing. It's not a matter of being strong right now just strong enough to keep going, make it through each day. There are no rules on how to grieve or how long. Hang on, you are not alone. Hugs Kathleen
Jo, a lot of people on this site feel it necessary to tell you their story as they try to respond to yours, sometime that is helpful and sometimes it is not. I won't do that, because what is important to you now, is how you are feeling, and you are just going to have to trust that I know what I am talking about.
You are going to feel very very confused. You will have trouble focusing on even the simplest things. You will be very forgetful about things you used to remember easily. You will lonely, you will feel angry. You will feel as if someone has ripped you heart out of your chest. You will feel overwhelmed and very lost. You will feel as if virtually no one understands what you are going though. You will have friends and family that will support you. You will have friends and family who desert you and disappoint you. You will feel lost and as if you are in a never ending fog.
It really sucks, but it is very normal, and the only thing that is going to make it better is the passage of time. I'm not saying that you shouldn't seek the advice or company of friends or family, because having a support group is very important, but when those visits or sessions are over, you are the one going home to the empty house and waking up to it the next day. It does get better with time, but you have to give time, time. And in between, sometimes you just try to make it through that hour or that day until the next one comes along. Find joy, love and support wherever you can and don't be afraid to ask for help. Good luck,
Steve, what wonderful advise. You summed up everything as to how most of us feel or have been through. I will reread your post to confirm to myself that everything I am feeling is normal.
Thanks Steve, Linda