My husband died almost a month ago....

Not sure what to say here since I'm new to this. My husband of 41 years died May 14 suddenly of a brain aneurysm. He had never been sick a day in his life, excercised alot, was strong as a horse and ate healthier than anyone I know. I came home from work and found him with slurred speech and he couldn't get up. About 12 hours later he slipped into a coma. 52 hours after it first happened, he was gone. I was totally unprepared for anything like this, as I imagine most people are. I still can't believe he won't be here everyday when I come home. I am a total wreck. I have this feeling that an elephant is sitting on my chest. I cry at the drop of a hat. I had to leave work the other day in tears. Luckily I have a very sympathetic boss. I know the grieving that I have to go through. I had to endure the loss of my dad when I was age 16 and my mom at age 19. But even so, this is so different. I don't know how to do "alone". I have 2 grown and very supportive sons and a wonderful friend. But even when I'm with people I feel alone. I made an appointment today with a counselor to try and get through this. Does anyone have any advice?

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Permalink Reply by Linda G. on July 17, 2011 at 10:37am

Jo, I am so glad you had a good time with your grandchildren. I am sure your grandchildren had a wonderful time with grandma. If your grandchildren are anything like mine, they would have had a wonderful time with grandma anywhere. I can relate to you on your daughter-in-law. But I keep telling myself that I had no choice in chooseing her. Sometimes I tell her what I think, but most of the time I just ignore her. I think ignoring her is the best.

Floss I also do not cook. I do go to the grocery store, but I am still buying groceries as if Neal is still here. (My kitchen cabinets looks like a grocery store.) But when I get readly to cook, I think why, it is just me. Neal always complimented whatever I cooked. I really do need to start cooking, I know it would help my weight problem I have gotten since Neal passed away. Well it is back to one day at a time. HUGS

Permalink Reply by Jo Bartoszek on July 17, 2011 at 5:46pm

I got back yesterday from our family vacation and just saw a picture of myself with my 2 sons and their children. What a big void there was without Dave in that picture. I just cried...The 2 month anniversary happened while we were gone and I fought tears the whole day so no one would see. There was so much going on that no one else remembered. I'm afraid I was a little snappy with the people that I love more than anything. I knew going into the vacation that I was not ready to do that, but my children wanted me to go. I didn't want to be with anyone...was really glad to get home so I didn't have to see any one but my sweet dog. By reading everyone else's posts, I see that this grief road is such a long one. I don't know how I'll get through this.

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on July 17, 2011 at 7:53pm

You are wise to take you daughter-in-law with a grain of salt. That will insure you keep getting time with the grandkids. You do not have to like her, just keep peace with her. The relationship with the grand kids will help you get through this. I am sorry no one noticed the anniversary (or at least did not want to acknowledge it if they did). Be well and hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by Patricia Hill on July 18, 2011 at 11:47am

Also try to join a grief support group. Almost all churches have them as well as mortuaries. Thu this I have met several women who also are widows and we share alot of our feelings, and that is so comforting because you know they know exactly how your feeling. I can't imagine going back to work so soon, but everyone is different., I took 8 weeks off and sometimes I think that might have been too early. I'm coming up on one year soon and that is stressing me out. I cry more often now because of the anticipation of that one year mark. I go to church each Sunday and that helps me too. I also gave in the anti-depressents about 3 months after he passed. I fought it but finally gave in. I guess they have helped a little.

Hope this helps a little... You will be a rollercoaster so be prepared. Some days will be good, and then you dive down and have a really bad day. But as time goes on those bad days are less and less, but understand you will still have bad days, just as I'm having now, after almost a year. My husband was my best friend, we had the most amazing marriage. No one knew me better than he did, now I feel so alone and no one to care about me. Children and friends just aren't the same. Hugs and keep breathing

Permalink Reply by Jo Bartoszek on July 22, 2011 at 7:36pm

OK, tonight I'm really feeling what all of you have felt. Dave has been gone for only 2 months and 1 week. I'm wandering around this house all alone wondering what to do. One minute I'm crying, the next I just zone out. I have no concentration to watch tv or read. There are things I could be doing but I don't have the energy to do them. It still has not hit me really yet that I will never see him again and that he will never be coming home. The house is so empty. The phone doesn't ring, but I really don't want to talk to anyone anyway I don't know how those of you whose spouse has been gone for several months, a year, or whatever do it. I don't know how I will be able to get through these months.

Permalink Reply by Linda G. on July 22, 2011 at 8:17pm

Jo, My heart goes out to you. My Neal has been gone 9 months and I still have all the feelings you are having now. I still do not have any amount of concentration to read or watch TV. I keep the TV on just for the noise and have it on reruns. I used to love to read. Neal always kidded me about starting a library with all of my books, now I can't even concentrate enough to read a magazine. I know what it is like to wonder from room to room in an empty, lonely house, the phone not ringing, but when it does I don't want to talk. Neither do I have the energy to do the things that need to be done in my house. I have good intentions but I will sit and just think about the things to do and never get up and do them. I still can not go to the cemetary very much because it just upsets me too much. I stand there and look at his name and just keep saying out loud, this just can not be, this just can not be.

This site has been good for me, as I can see that I am not crazy, this is what everyone else is going through or went through. Everyone is so supportive and it is a place to vent what ever you are feeling.

Hang in there Jo, we are all here for you. HUGS

Permalink Reply by Jerry on July 22, 2011 at 9:13pm

I happened to hear something on the radio today,it was on a talk show hosted by Dennis Prager. A genlteman called in and was talking about his life since his wife passed,he said things like I have read here before , like not being able to concentrate etc. He said he did not like the way his life is going,but he said he can take whatever comes his way. He then said,the more you loved your spouse,the harder their passing away will hit you. True words in my opinion for sure.