Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bc on October 2, 2010 at 8:19pm

Marv, first of all welcome to this site. You came to the right place. We all support each other and you will get a lot of Hugs, hugs are good! I lost my husband Brad very suddenly and unexpectly on August 5, 2009. He was going to the store, drove out of our subdivision and had cardiac arrest at the wheel. It was 35 seconds from the time he left and he was gone. I heard the sirens and ran across the field by our house, the EMT's were working on him, but couldn't bring him back. We were together 15 years, married 10 at the time. We spent 24/7/365 together. Worked together, went shopping together, even went to the gas station and got our hair cut together, so yes a part of me left that day with him. I am not, and never will be the same person I used to be. Let the tears come, tears are good and they are healing. It will be 14 months on Tuesday and I still have "meltdowns", I miss him and always will but he never wanted me to be sad, Brad taught me how to be strong and how to survive while we were together and for that I thank him everyday. There is no greater gift I could give him but to try and be positive and live what life I have left. I learned a lot from him and I'm carrying on the way he would want me to even though it is so hard to do at times. Being alone is so sad, but remember, you have the memories that you can keep in your heart forever. I wish I could wave a magic wand for everyone here and take away the pain. All I can say is remember your love and let the tears come, don't try and hold them in no matter when or where. We are all here for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Again, welcome!
Barb

Permalink Reply by Marlena on October 2, 2010 at 8:37pm

Marvin,
I'm sorry that you had to find us, but you have come to a good place. We all understand and have been where you are. This is a place where you can vent, scream, and share - the good and the bad. We will listen and support you. I think sharing your story will be very healing. Talk about your wife to everyone who will listen that way you can keep her present in your life. There are no magic words of wisdom. Right now the most important thing is to feel what you feel and do what is best for you. Hang on tight to all the memories the two of you have made; they will get you through. Take everything one step at a time, one breath at a time. I think that's the only way I survived those first few months.
Welcome to our family...you will not have to walk this journey alone.

Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 2, 2010 at 10:37pm

Thank you for the words of encouragement Barb & Marlena, it is just she depended on me for everything and I feel that when she needed me the most, I was not there for her. The Paramedic told me that it appeared that it was an instant passing, and her family has told me that they know I took really good care of her and not to blame myself, but that is easier said than done. I do cry and the hardest part is coming home and being here without her, I had just found out that she had told a friend recently that she was lucky to have found me and had me in her life, and she didn't think she could make it if I passed away first. Donna also told the same friend that she was tired of being sick all the time, and that she was ready to go, and her friend said to her " Your ready to be with God? " and Donna replied " Yes." I can't figure out why she didn't tell me she felt this way. Did she think I was strong enough to handle this without knowing I don't know all I know is that I feel like half of me is missing, and has been ripped away! I know that I'll eventually miss her a little less, but I have a feeling that it is going to take me a very long time to pull out of this, because I feel that she was the strong one for fighting as long as she did to stay with me! While I'm typing this tears are streaming down my face, because we always had each other to count on, thru all the sickness and the good things. I'm an ex-Deputy Sheriff and I've had to witness many death notifications and told loved ones myself that their loved ones were gone and I believe she was the strong one, not me!

Permalink Reply by Victoria (Vicky) Owensby on October 3, 2010 at 1:04am

Hi Marvin and welcome. My husband Martin died April 26 2010. These past months have been so awful. He was sick for a long time also with hepatitis. We were so close to getting a transplant too but he couldn't make it. He never spoke to me about dieing only said that he isn't going to. Up to the second he died. How did he think I could go on without him without a word? I also took care of him for the last 10 years of our 30 years together. I can relate to how you are feeling and still feel empty inside. At first I just wanted to die also and hoped it would happen. Even though our children would loose us both. They are young adults and away with their own lives. Being alone is so hard. Especially when you have lived life for others. Slowly I am trying to care about myself and learning how to manage without Martin. This site has helped me so much. Just to talk with other's who understand makes the emptiness a bit more tolerable. I'm glad you're here.


Marvin D. Hall said:

Thank you for the words of encouragement Barb & Marlena, it is just she depended on me for everything and I feel that when she needed me the most, I was not there for her. The Paramedic told me that it appeared that it was an instant passing, and her family has told me that they know I took really good care of her and not to blame myself, but that is easier said than done. I do cry and the hardest part is coming home and being here without her, I had just found out that she had told a friend recently that she was lucky to have found me and had me in her life, and she didn't think she could make it if I passed away first. Donna also told the same friend that she was tired of being sick all the time, and that she was ready to go, and her friend said to her " Your ready to be with God? " and Donna replied " Yes." I can't figure out why she didn't tell me she felt this way. Did she think I was strong enough to handle this without knowing I don't know all I know is that I feel like half of me is missing, and has been ripped away! I know that I'll eventually miss her a little less, but I have a feeling that it is going to take me a very long time to pull out of this, because I feel that she was the strong one for fighting as long as she did to stay with me! While I'm typing this tears are streaming down my face, because we always had each other to count on, thru all the sickness and the good things. I'm an ex-Deputy Sheriff and I've had to witness many death notifications and told loved ones myself that their loved ones were gone and I believe she was the strong one, not me!

Permalink Reply by Brenda Klatt on October 3, 2010 at 1:39am

Dear Marv-you are doing better than I was at that stage-I was still walking in a fog-Grief for me has come in waves-and you just have to accept it when it comes. I will keep you in my prayers. Don't mind the tears-they are healing. I still cry-alot -almost 3 years later-out of the blue tears come. Thankfully only in private, but sometimes if a song comes on while driving,I have to pull over...My Bruce was my everything-now being a grandparent is kinda bitter sweet, weddings of neices fun, but bitter sweet. It's been almost 3 years, and I know I can never replace Bruce, but I would like to find someone to share my life with-even at 44 starting to think I'm too old for that, so I focus on my daughter and granddaughter. Best wishes-it's an always changing struggle. I guess we just have to be thankful for those loved ones we stilll have, and cherish the memories of those we don't. Love, Brenda

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 3, 2010 at 5:43am

Marvin I'm sure I'm going to repeat others, I'm so sorry for your loss, this is so fresh for you and we all understand how you are feeling, I know you might not want to hear that so I'm sorry but at that stage everyone was handling things one way, theirs, regardless of how we handled it the end result is we are ALL alone weather theres someone else in the house or not when you loose your spouse your alone. your life has no meaning, Marvine you are at the right place we are a family in grief here so don't hold back your feelings. it will be different, but you must take all the time you need and let the emotions loose it helps as painfull as it might be, you are like alot of us here, disabled and i think thats just a bit harder because with no job to go back to, all we have is time, it's one the most hardest things you will go thro so take baby steps there will be ok days then days you think you'll never get thru the day but you will. hugs

Permalink Reply by bc on October 3, 2010 at 8:26am

Yes, it will take a long time to pull out of this, but down the line, even though you will always miss her, you will see some sunshine days. Here is something that might help you:
To honor you, I get up every day and take a breath. And start another day without you in it.
To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile, And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.
To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love, I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.
To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked, And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.
To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.
You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source. So every day, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.
Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.
Just remember its going to take baby steps and you will have two steps forward and one back, but that's normal. This is a life long journey we are on, but we will be with you all the way! You will make some great friends on here and I hope I will be one of them. As we say...Hugs to you, hugs are good!




Marvin D. Hall said:

Thank you for the words of encouragement Barb & Marlena, it is just she depended on me for everything and I feel that when she needed me the most, I was not there for her. The Paramedic told me that it appeared that it was an instant passing, and her family has told me that they know I took really good care of her and not to blame myself, but that is easier said than done. I do cry and the hardest part is coming home and being here without her, I had just found out that she had told a friend recently that she was lucky to have found me and had me in her life, and she didn't think she could make it if I passed away first. Donna also told the same friend that she was tired of being sick all the time, and that she was ready to go, and her friend said to her " Your ready to be with God? " and Donna replied " Yes." I can't figure out why she didn't tell me she felt this way. Did she think I was strong enough to handle this without knowing I don't know all I know is that I feel like half of me is missing, and has been ripped away! I know that I'll eventually miss her a little less, but I have a feeling that it is going to take me a very long time to pull out of this, because I feel that she was the strong one for fighting as long as she did to stay with me! While I'm typing this tears are streaming down my face, because we always had each other to count on, thru all the sickness and the good things. I'm an ex-Deputy Sheriff and I've had to witness many death notifications and told loved ones myself that their loved ones were gone and I believe she was the strong one, not me!

Permalink Reply by bc on October 3, 2010 at 8:26am

Yes, it will take a long time to pull out of this, but down the line, even though you will always miss her, you will see some sunshine days. Here is something that might help you:
To honor you, I get up every day and take a breath. And start another day without you in it.
To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile, And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.
To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love, I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.
To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked, And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.
To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.
You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source. So every day, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.
Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.
Just remember its going to take baby steps and you will have two steps forward and one back, but that's normal. This is a life long journey we are on, but we will be with you all the way! You will make some great friends on here and I hope I will be one of them. As we say...Hugs to you, hugs are good!




Marvin D. Hall said:

Thank you for the words of encouragement Barb & Marlena, it is just she depended on me for everything and I feel that when she needed me the most, I was not there for her. The Paramedic told me that it appeared that it was an instant passing, and her family has told me that they know I took really good care of her and not to blame myself, but that is easier said than done. I do cry and the hardest part is coming home and being here without her, I had just found out that she had told a friend recently that she was lucky to have found me and had me in her life, and she didn't think she could make it if I passed away first. Donna also told the same friend that she was tired of being sick all the time, and that she was ready to go, and her friend said to her " Your ready to be with God? " and Donna replied " Yes." I can't figure out why she didn't tell me she felt this way. Did she think I was strong enough to handle this without knowing I don't know all I know is that I feel like half of me is missing, and has been ripped away! I know that I'll eventually miss her a little less, but I have a feeling that it is going to take me a very long time to pull out of this, because I feel that she was the strong one for fighting as long as she did to stay with me! While I'm typing this tears are streaming down my face, because we always had each other to count on, thru all the sickness and the good things. I'm an ex-Deputy Sheriff and I've had to witness many death notifications and told loved ones myself that their loved ones were gone and I believe she was the strong one, not me!

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 3, 2010 at 9:36am

Barb, that was perfect very nice, Marvin, I think I' might know why she didn't tell you these things, it's pretty simple that if she would have said them to you she knew you would tell her to not talk like that because you needed her with you. Then she would have had to seen the hurt in your eyes. that is why. I can't tell you how many times i laid that guilt trip on my husband and the fights that ensued from it. The one thing I believe is they know when they are ready, to tired to fight to hang on anymore and i did that because i was being selfish, not taking into account how bad he was suffering. So even tho you might wished she had told you, maybe you can think this way and be thankfull she spared you the pain of knowing she wanted to die rather then fight for you, and she did this out of her love for you. what we need to keep in mind this wasn't what they would have wanted if they weren't suffering. I hope i haven't offened you. hugs

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on October 3, 2010 at 12:04pm

Hello Marvin,

Welcome to the site that helped get me on track after the loss of my husband Don on May 1, 2010. This site will be of tremendous help to you, because you can come here and vent, without anyone judging you. I came upon this site about a month after my husband died. I was ready for the loonieben, and didn't care if I lived or died. I felt my life was over, and I just wanted to dig a hole next to my husband and rest in peace with him. This site changed all that. Before I knew it, I saw a change in myself. I love the poem Barb posted for you. It is just insightful things like that, which will help get you through this. The grieving process has no time limits, but the process does, and you are in the early stages of the process.You are working your way through this right now. The grief is yours, and you will handle it in your own way. Finding ways to gently care for yourself through the pain and loneliness that grief brings will be one of the important parts of your healing.

Here is a little prayer for Healing that may help;
God, accompany me through these difficult days like a friend on a long walk, quietly alongside me, allowing me to feel all that I feel. Wrap your love around me like the warm embrace of a hug. Teach me to be gentle with myself-to let the tears flow when my eyes become full, to rest when my body is tired, to seek gentle listening ears when my spirit is lonely, and to look to you when my soul is empty. Help me embrace and not fear the grief that fills my life at this time. May I take care of myself as I would nurture a child in my arms with the food of gentle nourishment and drink of patience. Grant me the gentle way through healing. Amen. ~Mary Kendrick Moore~
I said this prayer daily for awhile. I realized that I needed to take care of myself to make it through this roller coaster ride I had begun. It has been five months for me now, and although I still have meltdowns, yesterday and the day before were big ones, I do have good days. And although my life will never be what it was with my husband, it doesn't mean I can't find happiness in my new life. Stay positive, it is the secret to making it through the different phases of your journey.
Hugs and God Bless,
Nancy

Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 3, 2010 at 1:04pm

Thank you Nancy, I really appreciate what you said, and with just the few posts I've made I am feeling some what better. The people around me just wanted to know what happened not what's happening to me, they mean well, but they don't get it. Thank you again!
Nancy Satterthwaite said:

Hello Marvin,

Welcome to the site that helped get me on track after the loss of my husband Don on May 1, 2010. This site will be of tremendous help to you, because you can come here and vent, without anyone judging you. I came upon this site about a month after my husband died. I was ready for the loonieben, and didn't care if I lived or died. I felt my life was over, and I just wanted to dig a hole next to my husband and rest in peace with him. This site changed all that. Before I knew it, I saw a change in myself. I love the poem Barb posted for you. It is just insightful things like that, which will help get you through this. The grieving process has no time limits, but the process does, and you are in the early stages of the process.You are working your way through this right now. The grief is yours, and you will handle it in your own way. Finding ways to gently care for yourself through the pain and loneliness that grief brings will be one of the important parts of your healing.

Here is a little prayer for Healing that may help;
God, accompany me through these difficult days like a friend on a long walk, quietly alongside me, allowing me to feel all that I feel. Wrap your love around me like the warm embrace of a hug. Teach me to be gentle with myself-to let the tears flow when my eyes become full, to rest when my body is tired, to seek gentle listening ears when my spirit is lonely, and to look to you when my soul is empty. Help me embrace and not fear the grief that fills my life at this time. May I take care of myself as I would nurture a child in my arms with the food of gentle nourishment and drink of patience. Grant me the gentle way through healing. Amen. ~Mary Kendrick Moore~
I said this prayer daily for awhile. I realized that I needed to take care of myself to make it through this roller coaster ride I had begun. It has been five months for me now, and although I still have meltdowns, yesterday and the day before were big ones, I do have good days. And although my life will never be what it was with my husband, it doesn't mean I can't find happiness in my new life. Stay positive, it is the secret to making it through the different phases of your journey.
Hugs and God Bless,
Nancy

Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 3, 2010 at 1:12pm

I understand what you are saying Virginia, but you can not help but wonder why? Donna and I talked about everything, because we were all each other had, I wrote that here because I didn' want to offend her family by talking to them about it. Thank you for the kind words and I to am glad that I signed up for this site.
Virginia said:

Barb, that was perfect very nice, Marvin, I think I' might know why she didn't tell you these things, it's pretty simple that if she would have said them to you she knew you would tell her to not talk like that because you needed her with you. Then she would have had to seen the hurt in your eyes. that is why. I can't tell you how many times i laid that guilt trip on my husband and the fights that ensued from it. The one thing I believe is they know when they are ready, to tired to fight to hang on anymore and i did that because i was being selfish, not taking into account how bad he was suffering. So even tho you might wished she had told you, maybe you can think this way and be thankfull she spared you the pain of knowing she wanted to die rather then fight for you, and she did this out of her love for you. what we need to keep in mind this wasn't what they would have wanted if they weren't suffering. I hope i haven't offened you. hugs

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