My Wife just passed away 29 days ago.

My wife of 22 yrs., we had been together for a little over 23 yrs., passed away suddenly on 09-03-10. She had various health problems for many years, but the past 14 years I have been with her and taking care of her pretty much daily. I during this time have had my own health problems as well, we were both disabled and she couldn't get out much and alot of the time not at all. She passed away 24 days before her 53rd Birthday, I'm 44 yrs. old, I loved her with all my heart, and I miss her so terribly, that words can't describe! My family and I are not that close, except for an Uncle in Indiana, Donna's family are doing their best to keep me busy and include me in things they are doing, but that only lasts for a couple of hours, and I appreciate everything they are doing, and what my family has done. My problem is that when I'm alone what do I do then, how do I deal with what I'm feeling. the sorrow, the grief, the extreme loneliness. I don't have any anger towards her, because I know she was so tired, and so tired of being sick all the time. The sad thing of it all is she was feeling so good for the 2 weeks prior to her death, and on Thursday the 2nd had planned the weekend ( Labor Day ) out and was in such a good mood and happy, looking forward to getting out of the house on the 3rdto visit her sister. Then I wake up and find her gone, just like that gone! I'm so overcome with sorrow and grief that I don't know what to do or where to turn. I've spent my whole adult life with her, and now I'm completly lost and completly alone, I breakdown every night, how do you learn to cope and go on?

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Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 3, 2010 at 1:35pm

Thank you Barb, I could use plenty of friends now (don't really have any) that understand what I'm going thru. What I'm glad about for Donna is that she didn't have the fear of dying, but the peace of dying. I'm happy that she is no longer in pain and suffering like she was. I'm suffering, but I know that will get easier somewhat as time goes by. I'm so glad that I signed up for this site, because I started to several times before and didn't, guess I was trying to be the strong one Donna thought I was. Thank you again, to all of you because what posts I have made are things that I feel I could not have said to her family.
Virginia said:

Barb, that was perfect very nice, Marvin, I think I' might know why she didn't tell you these things, it's pretty simple that if she would have said them to you she knew you would tell her to not talk like that because you needed her with you. Then she would have had to seen the hurt in your eyes. that is why. I can't tell you how many times i laid that guilt trip on my husband and the fights that ensued from it. The one thing I believe is they know when they are ready, to tired to fight to hang on anymore and i did that because i was being selfish, not taking into account how bad he was suffering. So even tho you might wished she had told you, maybe you can think this way and be thankfull she spared you the pain of knowing she wanted to die rather then fight for you, and she did this out of her love for you. what we need to keep in mind this wasn't what they would have wanted if they weren't suffering. I hope i haven't offened you. hugs

Permalink Reply by carolyn hammett on October 4, 2010 at 12:04am

Leia - Oh my gosh the GUILT question is so very hard. I took care of my partner for 10 of our 20 years together. My 103 year old aunt who lived in Riverside, CA needed us to head south (from Portland, OR) to move in and take care of her. Six months prior to that I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in numerous areas of my body. I had just 10 days prior had my thyroid removed with a fist size malignant tumor in it. The day after Halloween I was tired, not a very fun person to be with but we loaded the van with everything we thought we might need and took off tired. By time we arrived in No. CA.Weed, CA we needed to stop. We had a difficult evening and went to sleep still frustrated. I took an extra pill to relax and sleep. I awoke about 5:30 AM to see my partner dead. It was a diabetic reaction and I didn't hear the call for help I always got so I could get a snack, shot or whatever. Our friend and attorney and doctor both fought mightly in order for me to be able to bring her home. My sister and school best friend and their spouses flew down to take everythi ng we had packed in the van home so my friend and I could drive home with Barb in the temp. casket in the back of van. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in m y life and I'm 65. I knew that her children would never forgive me if I hadn't brought her home so they could say goodbye before the creamation she desired.

That was Nov. 2, 2007. Almost three years ago and the guilt I have is immense. I am now able to get together with family and friends and laugh while meaning it. You will be able to do so as well. I see a lot of movies so now I'm the "movie reviewer". I have three grandchildren, fabulous family and a pack of friends, many in my Stage 4 support group. Life goes on and it is groups like this where we can all bear our souls about the sadness we have that allows us to move forward. We will all be OK, not the same way but to give up would not be what our spouses would want.

I talk to God a lot, particularly when the guilt comes around. Thank goodness for this group, we have all loved deeply and that's pretty great!!! I feel blessed.

Carolyn

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on October 4, 2010 at 8:05am

Marvin, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on Aug. 23rd. He also had many health problems and was to the point where basicly all he could do was sit and watch tv. He did tell me that he was ready to go be with the Lord if he could not get out and do the things that he loved to do. Like you I am happy for him that he is no longer suffering. He hung on for all these years for me and my daughter.I am the one suffering now but I do have good health so I am thankful for that. I also have my daughter and her husband living with me so at least I am not alone in a physical way. I will say that some days are better than others and I hope your days will get better also. Just take them one at a time and cry whenever you need to. It always makes me feel better when I can let go of some of the grief. This is a wonderful site with some wonderful friends. Always feel free to share anything you need to. May God bless and keep you.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on October 4, 2010 at 8:27am

Hi Marvin, I guess the saying is true,time heals all wounds. As the months have passed since my wife passed,it did get a little easier. I still have a few times during the day when her not being here hits me. We were togeter for 39 years and were what most would consider an ideal couple. I am lucky in that I have a son and dauther near by and grandchildren. I do try to help out my mother and aunt aslo. I have some friends that are retired and we try to get togher for lunch or breakfast. If I did not have tese peple,I am sure I would be lonley . I do not have any desire to go out by myself and try to meet new people. Although I have not done so myself,If you done have people around that you are close with,I would try to join a grief support group. Good luck and God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 4, 2010 at 4:57pm

Thanks Debbie, I as well am sorry for the loss of your Husband for you, I just thought I would not be a widower at 44 yrs. old. I'm still in a state of shock that Donna is gone, it still seems she should be here when I get back from running errands.
Debbie Treadway said:

Marvin, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on Aug. 23rd. He also had many health problems and was to the point where basicly all he could do was sit and watch tv. He did tell me that he was ready to go be with the Lord if he could not get out and do the things that he loved to do. Like you I am happy for him that he is no longer suffering. He hung on for all these years for me and my daughter.I am the one suffering now but I do have good health so I am thankful for that. I also have my daughter and her husband living with me so at least I am not alone in a physical way. I will say that some days are better than others and I hope your days will get better also. Just take them one at a time and cry whenever you need to. It always makes me feel better when I can let go of some of the grief. This is a wonderful site with some wonderful friends. Always feel free to share anything you need to. May God bless and keep you.

Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 4, 2010 at 4:57pm

Marvin, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away on Aug. 23rd. He also had many health problems and was to the point where basicly all he could do was sit and watch tv. He did tell me that he was ready to go be with the Lord if he could not get out and do the things that he loved to do. Like you I am happy for him that he is no longer suffering. He hung on for all these years for me and my daughter.I am the one suffering now but I do have good health so I am thankful for that. I also have my daughter and her husband living with me so at least I am not alone in a physical way. I will say that some days are better than others and I hope your days will get better also. Just take them one at a time and cry whenever you need to. It always makes me feel better when I can let go of some of the grief. This is a wonderful site with some wonderful friends. Always feel free to share anything you need to. May God bless and keep you.

Permalink Reply by Marvin D. Hall on October 4, 2010 at 5:06pm

Thanhs Jerry, it hits me every evening when I'm coming home, and when I get home but, I have found some relatives again that I had lost touch with over the years that are helping me work thru Donna passing as well as Donnas family. I also have had encouraging words and helpful insights from people on this site, Which, I logged onto several times and didn't join, but now I'm glad I did because you've all helped me see that I can be ok and continue with time. With me I know it is going to take a lot of time, so Thank you to the people on here.
Jerry said:

Hi Marvin, I guess the saying is true,time heals all wounds. As the months have passed since my wife passed,it did get a little easier. I still have a few times during the day when her not being here hits me. We were togeter for 39 years and were what most would consider an ideal couple. I am lucky in that I have a son and dauther near by and grandchildren. I do try to help out my mother and aunt aslo. I have some friends that are retired and we try to get togher for lunch or breakfast. If I did not have tese peple,I am sure I would be lonley . I do not have any desire to go out by myself and try to meet new people. Although I have not done so myself,If you done have people around that you are close with,I would try to join a grief support group. Good luck and God bless you.

Permalink Reply by roger hicks on October 5, 2010 at 2:30pm

my wife passed away 358 days ago on oct 12 2009 it still hurts just as bad as the day she passed we were married thirty three years she was my life

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on October 5, 2010 at 9:46pm

Hi Roger,

Obviously, since this is the Anniversary of your wife's passing, you are hurting very badly right now. I am so sorry for your pain. I know the hurt you are feeling, my love of my life died on May 1. We were married for 28 years. I know that living life without them is the hardest challenge we are going through in our life now, but we will survive. I know October 9 is just a few days away, so my thoughts and prayers will be with you on October 9th. Have you made plans for that day and how you are going to spend it? When my day comes on May 1, I will get up and toast a cup of coffee upwards to my husband, since we always had our coffee together, then I will go to the cemetery and have a conversation with him. Then I plan on doing something fun to take my mind off of what happened on the day. Don't know what that is yet, but I have seven months to think about it.

Take care and God Bless you,
Nancy

roger hicks said:

my wife passed away 358 days ago on oct 12 2009 it still hurts just as bad as the day she passed we were married thirty three years she was my life

Permalink Reply by Nancey on October 7, 2010 at 2:22pm

Marvin....I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife....I wish I and I know everyone here wishes they had all the answers for themselves and everyone on here hurting. Learning to cope and go on is an individual journey for each of us.

I lost my love on 9/5/2010 so I know exactly what you are going through. It is all new to us and we're both trying to find our way. I've found ideas from what people have posted here. I've tried things on my own. I've tried to keep busy so I don't dwell on the grief and sorrow. I watch a lot of TV to get my mind off of it all. I have the TV on all the time just to have the noise. Does it help? I don't know if "help" is the right word, it gets me through the day.

Everyone here knows the pain you are going through, and can understand it....have lived through it. All the friends and family don't really know, can't imagine until they live through it. But everyone here has and just knowing that they understand is a great comfort. Here you can say anything and get all your feelings out. I haven't tried grief counseling, I don't know for sure if anyone here has and if it helped.

I started a journal this morning, memories I didn't want to forget as time goes on. Writing those down is painful but I want to be in a place some time in the future where they will make me smile and not cry as I read them.

I try to live a day at a time and not look too far into the future. And I think of Dale and know he wouldn't want me to cry forever.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on October 7, 2010 at 3:26pm

Marvin, I am new to this site but in just 24 hours I am already finding people very helpful and understanding. My daughter, son-in-law, and grandson came to live with me to help me about my small ranch and they are a big help but I just can't talk to them about how I feel. It seems to hurt them too much still to talk. I try to let them know that I must talk about him to keep him with me and it hurts to know others can't. I do believe they are afraid of hurting me and I tell them to please see pass the tears because most of them are happy when they are sharing memories. As I work about my garden today I see his hand in so much and I see him in the tractor seat instead of my SIL. He loved riding his tractor all over and turning the soil, and working with his beloved horses. I still have days I can't be with the animals because it hurts too much. Bill has been gone for almost 8 months now and it still feels so fresh. Everyone tells me it will get better and I see many here in different stages. Stay with us and know that we are here for you. Share stories if you wish. Sometimes that helps.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on October 7, 2010 at 3:36pm

I stopped and started again cus I don't know how many words this allows us to print and didn't want to get lost. I wanted to tell you Marvin that it is very common for sick people to "get well" or "act their old selves" for several days before the final passing. I think this is God's way of letting them take care of business or to help their loved ones deal with issues before the final days. Bill had 2 good weeks right before also and I had a hard time convincing some family that he really was dying because of it. Luckily we had very good hospice staff that was with us that last month and they helped us understand this process. Bill had a very bad infection in the end and refused anymore IV's or invasive procedures which is why the doctors said it would be a matter of days and maybe weeks but no more. It was 5 weeks from his last IV removal. He proudly distributed many of his personal belongings during that time and we brought much family and friends in to say their farewells. It was a difficult time but he was preparing things to be easier for me. He explained his entire cremation and memorial service desires and everything. He let himself go the day after our daughter arrived for her final visit and told him she would be moving from Los Angeles to South Carolina to help me out. He knew it was okay to say goodbye at that time. It gives me some peace but still doesn't help the pain. Bill was tired of the pain also and that is why he needed to let go. I am sure your wife felt that too.