My love is gone...

On April 21st, about three weeks ago, I lost my lover, best friend, and companion of 25 years. She had cancer and had started chemo which was supposed to give her a few more years, but into the second week of treatment the dose was increased and she died three days later from the medication. It made her weaker and weaker until I finally decided to call 911, but it was too late and she died holding my hand, shortly after the paramedics arrived. I had no idea the medication would kill her, after all, it was supposed to help her live longer. Since then I have been devastated, we were always together and shared everything. It's as though my reason for living has been taken from me. I've never experienced such pain and sorrow. I'll see or hear something that reminds me of our life together and then find myself sobbing and in tears - as I am now. I miss her so very much. What am I to do without her?

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rolland Wood on May 13, 2017 at 6:59pm

Your beloved Wife?

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on May 13, 2017 at 9:41pm

Chris,

My deepest condolences on your loss. It is devastating to lose the love of your life, your lover and best friend. I, too, lost mine almost three years ago to cancer, and I still mourn and grieve for my darling husband Joseph. The loss of a spouse-partner is one of the most gut-wrenching and devastating of all human experiences. Those of us who were left behind, the survivors, have to live with this pain and grief for the rest of our lives. At least, know that you have come to a site where we are compassionate and understanding of each other and our irreparable loss and we consider our fellow members our family.

Sending prayers and healing thoughts your way as you struggle through the first months of raw grief, of this horrific journey. -- Trina

Permalink Reply by Terry Kent on May 13, 2017 at 10:19pm

Dear Chris. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've found a good place to express your thoughts here. There's so many people who have also experienced this raw and unbearable pain and grief. I too lost the love of my life--my husband was killed in a tragic industrial accident. He was 51. The phone call and sudden whirlwind is incomprehensible. The sudden change in your life and the unexpected and untimely loss of your wife is so hard to process. When that other half of us is taken it's like we have lost so much of ourselves and our identity that we are completely lost. There's not anything anyone can do or say that helps. Please take one day at a time, one moment at a time when you need to, and let people help you when they offer. You always have a place to express your feelings here. I wish you peace, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care, Terry

Permalink Reply by Mary. Jane on May 13, 2017 at 10:27pm

Hi Chris You've come to a good place here. I am relatively new here, I wish I had found this site right after my husband Bob died, but I.ve only been here a few months.
All of us ask the same question, what are we going to do? .but there are no correct answers. All you can do is try to get through it, minute by minute, day by day. It really sucks...but TIME is going to be both your friend, and your enemy. Youndon,t mention any children, or relatives that can be a support system...sometimes they can be both a help or a hinderence.
I am so sorry, I wish I had the answer to your question of how you are going to get through life without her, but each of us is unique, and in pain just like you, even tho your pain is new and bleeding.
Posting here DOES help. Because all of us have lost their loved one and understand what you are going through. My husband also died from cancer, in only 4 months...a little over a year ago..next month would have been our 50th anniversary...besides crying, screaming and sleeping, I have found two things that help me...one is, I write in a journal. It really helps...to write about your pain, and loss and anger and grief..you don,t even need the journal, just write your feelings on some paper, or write to HER..it helps to get your feelings out. The other thing I do all the time, and no, I am not crazy, but I talk to Bob all day long. Why not? Who is to say he isn,t still with me? Sometimes I scream at him for leaving, sometimes I just tell him how much I miss him...I just assume he is still with me in a sense I don,t understand, but it helps me get through the long days. I don,t have small children, but I do have a pet, and I feed the wild birds ducks and bunnies, and caring for them helps get my mind off of my husband, cuz it makes me feel I am helping them LIVE.
We all want to know WHY? Why did they have to die? Why were they taken from us? How are we supposed to live without them? That is why this place helps..we know we aren't alone in the nightmare of our new lives. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done, and I am so sorry for your pain...but we are all going through what YOU are going through, and we understand, in a way others don,t. I have heard it gets better, and in some ways, it has...I wish you the best, and please continue posting..these nice people really do understand.

Permalink Reply by Andrew Berenyi Jr. on July 1, 2017 at 1:32am

I too keep a journal. I started it on the tenth day after the passing of my husband. It was suggested in a grieving book I was reading that my sister gave me. It’s helping me work through my grief, if that is even possible. At least it feels like it’s helping. It’s a collection of my thoughts and that gives me some comfort. Although, on my bad days, I sometimes wonder. My journal is almost gotten to be like my Bible. I write in it many times during the day and I like having it near. I haven’t gone back and read anything I have written yet. One day I will.

Permalink Reply by Mary. Jane on July 1, 2017 at 7:47pm

Hello Andrew
I read your post this morning, and then I read another post by you...and I have been thinking about you ALL DAY. I am so sorry your husband died. ...yes, writing in a journal DOES help. It gets your feelings out, which is something very therapeutic. I write my thoughts, poems I like, I even print some things out, and tape them to the pages. I should mention that I have always kept a journal of some sort through the nearly 50 years BOb and I had together..but I went back to read some of them..and apparently, I mostly wrote in them when I was ANGRY with him...which in a sense is good, because I think when we loose our partners, we tend to only remember the good things..but reading some of the bad stuff helps keep me grounded and realize he wasn,t a saint, and neither am I. LOL
BOb died 16 months ago...and I really DIDN,t read what I wrote in that time..until recently. I would advise you to not read it for awhile...in my opinion, it is too soon for you...I spent the first 14 months actually thinking he wasn,t really dead...I have only recently "woken up" and realized he is really gone, and not coming back. Right now you are still in shock..we all have different time frames for this to happen..but I actually picked up my journal and was trying to find how I felt with last summer..and I happened on a memory of when he was sick, and it sent me over the edge...I cried and cried...so I would wait for awhile. And, yes, my journal sits right next to me all day, so if I have a thought, I can jot it down cuz I am still not focused enough to remember what I intended to write. :) so keep on writing as it is a wonderful comfort and a great way to help with the pain.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on May 14, 2017 at 5:50am

Dear Chris ... My deepest condolences of the loss of your beautiful companion. I am so sorry you had such a shock feeling she would be getting better from treatment and passing so suddenly. My husband Ernie passed April 27, 2011 at the age of 65 from pancreatic/live cancer and we were married almost 40 years and we were very close as well. There are no magic words to offer because all of us know the pain you are feeling. We can have our parents pass away and feel grief, but no one ever warned us the pain and heartbreak we would go through when we had a spouse pass away.

What you are going through is a normal part of grieving and we've all been there and some on Legacy are in the same situation you are; raw grief. Tears are good and help to alleviate added stress. You won't believe this now, but in time you will still miss her, but the intensity of grief does subside although you will never forget those wonderful memories you had with her (her gift to you.) Please keep coming to Legacy and post because this site really saved my life and did more for me than any grief counseling I went to. We all know exactly how you feel and we're here to help you through you grief. Feel free to express anything you feel as no one judges another and we called ourselves, 'extended family.' We will share our own experiences with you, console you, give you ideas of how to cope and also that everything you feel now and will feel for awhile is very normal.

Big hugs (because you need one)

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Charles E. Nelson on May 14, 2017 at 11:22am

Dear Chris,

I am so very sorry for your terrible loss of your beloved wife so very recently. While all of us here have experienced the pain and turmoil resulting from our own personal losses, still every couple - every love - is unique and precious, making each of our losses unique also. Thus, saying "I know how you feel" or something similar is both true and false. My friend, truthfully only you and you alone know how you feel. That said, I can tell you that finding other people here who understand this sad and lonely place we find ourselves has been an invaluable source of comfort and support to me after losing my husband Larry two years ago. Yes, I'm still here in this world, and in this family...different than I was before, and still on my journey into a life I never imagined or expected without Larry by my side. You are in the earliest days of that journey, and I simply offer my prayers and encourage you to come here as often as it is helpful for you to do so. You need not even post...often I sat and just read what other family members were sharing and watching the way they lifted and cradled one another, and that alone lightened my burden and lessened my feelings of complete isolation and separation from life. I wish you peace today, and in all the hours, days and weeks ahead. You are not alone.

Love,

Chuck

Permalink Reply by Rolland Wood on May 14, 2017 at 12:00pm

Chris, I feel you brother, it's been 4 years next month since my beloved wife Janice died, and I can affirm that the emotional anguish never truly goes away, it may quieten down with time, but never completely leaves the core of your being. Small things can stir it up within you, a memory, an object that is connected to her and you. My hope is that you will be able in time, to find peace and acceptance. It's a hard road to walk, one foot in front of the other is the only way to go. Rolland✌

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on May 14, 2017 at 11:02pm

Chris,

I am so sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found us. This community will support you and lift you up at times when you don't even think you can stand.

If you have not already, may I suggest contacting your local hospice. Many of them have excellent support programs. My hospice provided me with a volunteer companion who visited weekly for that first year. They also had an amazing support group which was so essential to my getting through that first year. I had times, especially in the beginning where I completely lost focus and couldn't concentrate on things, which was so unlike me. They all helped me maneuver those very rocky waters. It also helps when you can sit with people who are going through what you are, you suddenly realize you're not the only one and that was probably the biggest help of all, because even though I worked in a nursing home, my residents situations still seemed removed from mine, having people around your age bracket who are working through the same things makes it more real, and also more acceptable to be real with yourself.

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on May 15, 2017 at 9:25am

Chris.......I'm am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I also understand your feelings of something that was supposed to help ended up taking away your most important, special person. I lost my husband in January 2016. He was just 52 years old and we had been together for 30 years. I had given him a kidney and that was supposed to give him years more time. I actually allowed myself to believe that he would actually make it to his 60th birthday. Instead he died 3 months later, not because the kidney didn't work but because he contracted an antibiotic resistant infection that took his life. Is still question why and probably always will.

The pain you feel now is incomprehensible to those who have not experienced it. I hope you'll continue to come here as a place to express your thoughts and feelings. It really helped me when I found this site. I felt like I finally found "my people".

I wish you peace in your day.

Sara

Permalink Reply by georgia on May 18, 2017 at 12:59am

Hi Chris I am so sorry for your loss.
July 14 will be four years since I lost my husband to Cancer seven weeks from diagnosis to his passing.
Today is his birthday he would have been 62.
This road is the hardest to walk, it gets easier, but so far I am not as I was before.
My deepest sympathy.