Hello all,

I joined this a few months ago and I wanted to post this discussion to get some advice/support.

My husband passed away 5 months ago in March very suddenly. He just turned 31, I had just turned 30 (birthdays one day apart from each other). We were on vacation and I found him, already passed away in the morning. He died of cardiac arrest due to atherosclerosis (at age 31?!). Anyway, as you can imagine, it's been a terrible, traumatic experience. I am widowed at 30. Oh, and we didn't even make it to our one-year anniversary (although we were together for 10).

One thing I am finding with myself, in addition to my grief, crying, depression, debilitating anxiety, etc. is that I am chronically fatigued all the damn time. I have days where I have more energy than others, but most days all I want to do is lay on the couch, or in bed and watch TV. I force myself to stay active somewhat by walking a lot, gardening, doing things to soothe my soul, etc. but I am just so tired. Socializing is extremely difficult. Of course, at night, I don't sleep well at all. I wake every 2 hours, restless dreams, etc. so I am sure my body is just trying to heal from all the trauma its been through and catch up on sleep. My therapist also assures me its normal for me to feel so tired and fragile due to what I've been through. I guess I just never thought after 5 months I would still be so unbelievably tired all the time. I used to work full-time, but now I am a full-time grad student and took the summer off to heal. Oh, and my work also had to cut my position (and others) due to funding like 2 months after he died. I had been working there for 7 years. There went another major part of my life and identity.

 Today is one of those tired days. I feel sleeping pill-level tired today. My friend described it perfectly when he said, "Yeah, when you are grieving its like you are hungover 24/7." On point.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone else experienced crazy exhaustion most of the time in the months following the death of their loved one. I apologize, I am not trying to have a "pity party" on here but I figured I'd just unload a little on my quest for advice. I am probably going to go to the doctor/psychiatrist soon and see if I need to be on meds or something. I don't know. I just hate feeling this way. Any advice or whatever would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you everyone!

- Kaela

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Kaela,
My husband and I had been together for 10 years and married for 2 years and almost 2 months when I came home from a seemingly normal day from work to find him on the floor where he had died from a cardiac arrest.

The world that I had known before was over. I was devastated, in shock, and wondered why someone would not awaken me from this horrific nightmare.
That was 18 months ago. I was feeling as you were. I did a lot of walking, because I couldn't bear to stay in my home. The walls would feel as if they were caving in. I had to quit my stressful job, because no way could I function. After three months, I started working part time, and had just started full-time with the same company on Monday.
This group will lend a lot of support. There is a great group of people who have and is going through this terrible nightmare.
I did get counseling. But it was just time and being in support groups that has gotten me to a place of acceptance for my new normal, which still doesn't feel normal, but things are much better.
Know that we are all here for you, and will lend as much support as needed. I am in the parking lot deck at work, so I have to go now.
I will chat with you later.

Joann

Thank you for sharing that with me. That gives me hope. I also do a lot of waking and I am not in a place where I can work full-time but it sounds like in time I will get there as you did. I haven't been very active on her up until this point but it sounds like I should be as support groups are instrumental to the healing process. I will say it's so comforting to talk to people who are going through the same thing. Thank you for your wonderful support and advice. <3

Hi Joann,

That is terrible. Sounds basically exactly like my situation. I am so sorry that you went through that. Did you experience any PTSD stuff about finding him? I continue to have nightmares and panic attacks when I think about that morning, but they are getting much better with therapy. 

Hi Kaela, I too am new to this group, my 1sr husband passed when I was 31, he was 36, I never went thru being tired but from what Ive read its normal and it will pass, when I don't know, I guess I was lucky that I had 3 little girls I had to care for so they kept me going and got me motivated. I have now lost my 2nd husband inn May and while I'm not tired I cant get motivated to do anything so maybe along the same lines you are dealing with, maybe meds could help. it sounds like you are very depressed.  hope it gets easier for you,  debby

Thank you Deborah. That is so terrible to lose 2 husbands. I admire you for being able to stand upright and are still having the courage to move forward despite tremendous loss. That is so comforting to me.

- Kaela

Hi, and welcome Kaela.
I am sorry your husband Died so soon, and so uddenly. You will be getting a lot of replies, but right now, I want to address your fatigue. OF COURSE you feel fatigued! This is the most major trauma you can experience..and right now, nothing seems worth the energy it takes to accomplish..even the tinyest things take a huge amount of energy. Let yourself rest whenever you can. Don,t feel guilty about this..it is your body's way of trying to slow you down.
I would also like to ask you if you ever got these tired spells before your husband died?
I have something called Epstein Barr Virus..which is akin to Chronic Fatigue syndrome, which doesn't help the grieving process. Some days are fine, others I can barely get out of bed, so you might ask your Dr for a blood test to see if you have this.
Sometimes it helps me to know that some of my symptoms are medically related, and not all grief, and that my EBV is exasperating my body and enhancing my grief.
I wish you all the best, and welcome again to Legacy.

Hi Mary Jane,

Thank you so much for validating the way I feel. I did not get tired spells to this extent before this happened. I'd get the normal, tired after a long day at work on my feet all day (preschool teacher) tired, but nothing like this. After I go to this psychiatrist I'll go to the doctor In October and get some blood work done. I did get epstein Barr virus when I was little and I also had mono. Does epstein barr stay in your system for years? hmm

I am sorry you are dealing with that. Thanks for the welcome :-)

Yup..it stays in your system your entire life. About 95% of the human race has it in them, but it mostly goes unnoticed with noroblems. It is the Hepetitus D virus. My guess is you had chicken pox as a kid,which most of us do...and then it usually goes away for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, some people get Mono in their teens..which is the same virus, but contagious while Epstein Barr is Not....another little gift from the same Hepetitus D is Shingles...I had all three...I got shingles 12 years ago, then in 2014 I started feeling so tired I could barely function. I thought it was from being bitten by a brown recluse that summer...but it just DIDN,t go away. One day I was fine, the next barely functioning...it took me 6 months of complaining to finally get my Dr to give me an intense blood test which conformed it.
There is no cure...it is sometimes called adult mono...and stress can bring it on...there is no greater stress than loosing a loved one. My stress was the spider bite,as I've had a life long terror of spiders
Some people try every OTC remedy and homeopathic thing they can get their hands on, but what might work for some doesn,t work for others.
Luckily, mine seems to get better in cooler weather. Ironically, I Am in a very bad episode right now..I went to bed at 7pm last night and slept until 9amthis morning..and I am about to take a nap.
AMAZINGLY! When I need to be in remission, it doesn,t come. I spent 2 months with Bob in and out of the hospital, and 4 days with him at home in hospice...I DIDN,t have the TIME to be sick, so I wasn,t. I know that sounds weird, but you can0power through it when you need to. And after he passed,I DIDN,t get it because somehow my body knew I needed to be strong for all the arrangements etc..and also it was winter.
So this is what I know works for everyone..mostly YOU right now..ready? Don,t physically fight it. Tell yourself u don,t have time for this right now...BUT... Get as much rest as you can. I know you have to work..but in between, , don,t do anything you don,t have to..REST!!!! sleep as much as you can or want to...and DRINK WATER!!!!!! TONS OF IT. There are a few groups on ;Facebook, one is public, the other private...that is up to you. They get kind of confusing...so I would wait a bit till you see how your body reacts.
The sucky part, is if you do have it...which I think u do, people tend to downplay it. You mean you're tired? We are all tired they say...there's not a whole lot of sympathy from others....you beat it once, you can do it again. But you need to,take care of yourself. Sometimes if I am feeling REALLY bad, I can verify it by taking my temperature. If it is a low grade, like 99.5 it confirms it. But sometimes I don,t WANT to confirm it, so I don,t..and I have actually lowered my temp to normal by drinking 3 bottles of water.
Ok I know I have rambled on way too much...but I know it will get better. I,promise you.
Mary Jane

Hi Kaela,

I just wanted to give you emotional and spiritual comfort. My heart really goes out to you. Losing someone you love is not something you can just wake up the next day and be okay about. You need time to heal. While you're healing, I want to bring you comfort and hope that helped me. The main one I have to share is that you will see your love one again. Whether, you are unfamiliar with the Bible or know about it, it offers promises to mankind that many people are not aware of. If you have your Bible, You'll see at Isaiah 26:19 states that "Thy dead shall live... and the earth shall cast forth the dead." How can we know that it would be right here on earth? Acts 24:15 states "there shall be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and the unjust." Seeing that unjust ones will be resurrected, this can't be taking place in heaven. Lastly, I want you to know that this is not God's plan;  for us to die and just be resurrected. He views it as an enemy and soon will do away with it. 1 Cor. 15:26 states " The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death." I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for reading.

Hi Alicia,

Thank you. When did you lose your spouse?

Kaela ...  My deepest condolences for your great loss.  Your husband was far too young to have passed away and I won't even say I can imagine how you feel.  My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and he was 65 years old.  We'd known each other 45 years and just missed our 40th Wedding Anniversary.  No children and I was left with two dogs and a cat and between them forcing me to go for walks and just being there and this wonderful forum of great people (my angels) I managed to keep it together and knew I wasn't going crazy.

It is very normal for you to feel very exhausted; the brains way of absorbing the shock of your spouse's passing and grief of a close loved one has been dubbed now by some doctors as PTS (Post Traumatic Stress) which I am sure you are going through because of the ages you and your spouse were when he passed away and how he passed away.  Let your body do as it wants; cry when you need too, talk through your tears to family, a loyal friend and so happy to hear you are seeing a therapist and please, just post what you feel on this forum as no one judges you and you'll be so surprised at the help you will receive back.  Symptoms going through the first year or so of grief (depending on the individual) can be insomnia, frightening dreams, waking up at strange hours, headaches, aches/pains and sometimes panic attacks or anxiety.  Foggy memory, can't think enough to read or concentrate on much of anything.  I promise, in time although you will never forget your beloved husband that these symptoms will go away.  I know every so often even now I can feel over-whelmed at times (not as often as I did) and it's like I've been drugged.

Here are a few tips that may help you.  For a short time sleep on the couch with the TV on low and try to get out for a walk in a peaceful place because it does help settle your nerves.  Talk to someone and cry if you have to while doing so.  I did what you did and got out and gardened, walked the dogs and it helped and as time went on it helped me even more.

YOU ARE NOT HAVING A PITY PARTY!  You have every right to feel as you do no matter what age our spouses were.  It's a shock and especially in your case with your spouse being so young, then problems at work.  Don't worry as things will level off eventually. 

Big hug

Marsha

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