I joined this a few months ago and I wanted to post this discussion to get some advice/support.
My husband passed away 5 months ago in March very suddenly. He just turned 31, I had just turned 30 (birthdays one day apart from each other). We were on vacation and I found him, already passed away in the morning. He died of cardiac arrest due to atherosclerosis (at age 31?!). Anyway, as you can imagine, it's been a terrible, traumatic experience. I am widowed at 30. Oh, and we didn't even make it to our one-year anniversary (although we were together for 10).
One thing I am finding with myself, in addition to my grief, crying, depression, debilitating anxiety, etc. is that I am chronically fatigued all the damn time. I have days where I have more energy than others, but most days all I want to do is lay on the couch, or in bed and watch TV. I force myself to stay active somewhat by walking a lot, gardening, doing things to soothe my soul, etc. but I am just so tired. Socializing is extremely difficult. Of course, at night, I don't sleep well at all. I wake every 2 hours, restless dreams, etc. so I am sure my body is just trying to heal from all the trauma its been through and catch up on sleep. My therapist also assures me its normal for me to feel so tired and fragile due to what I've been through. I guess I just never thought after 5 months I would still be so unbelievably tired all the time. I used to work full-time, but now I am a full-time grad student and took the summer off to heal. Oh, and my work also had to cut my position (and others) due to funding like 2 months after he died. I had been working there for 7 years. There went another major part of my life and identity.
Today is one of those tired days. I feel sleeping pill-level tired today. My friend described it perfectly when he said, "Yeah, when you are grieving its like you are hungover 24/7." On point.
Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone else experienced crazy exhaustion most of the time in the months following the death of their loved one. I apologize, I am not trying to have a "pity party" on here but I figured I'd just unload a little on my quest for advice. I am probably going to go to the doctor/psychiatrist soon and see if I need to be on meds or something. I don't know. I just hate feeling this way. Any advice or whatever would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you everyone!
Thank you for sharing that with me. That gives me hope. I also do a lot of waking and I am not in a place where I can work full-time but it sounds like in time I will get there as you did. I haven't been very active on her up until this point but it sounds like I should be as support groups are instrumental to the healing process. I will say it's so comforting to talk to people who are going through the same thing. Thank you for your wonderful support and advice. <3
That is terrible. Sounds basically exactly like my situation. I am so sorry that you went through that. Did you experience any PTSD stuff about finding him? I continue to have nightmares and panic attacks when I think about that morning, but they are getting much better with therapy.
Hi Kaela, I too am new to this group, my 1sr husband passed when I was 31, he was 36, I never went thru being tired but from what Ive read its normal and it will pass, when I don't know, I guess I was lucky that I had 3 little girls I had to care for so they kept me going and got me motivated. I have now lost my 2nd husband inn May and while I'm not tired I cant get motivated to do anything so maybe along the same lines you are dealing with, maybe meds could help. it sounds like you are very depressed. hope it gets easier for you, debby
Thank you Deborah. That is so terrible to lose 2 husbands. I admire you for being able to stand upright and are still having the courage to move forward despite tremendous loss. That is so comforting to me.
Hi Mary Jane,
Thank you so much for validating the way I feel. I did not get tired spells to this extent before this happened. I'd get the normal, tired after a long day at work on my feet all day (preschool teacher) tired, but nothing like this. After I go to this psychiatrist I'll go to the doctor In October and get some blood work done. I did get epstein Barr virus when I was little and I also had mono. Does epstein barr stay in your system for years? hmm
I am sorry you are dealing with that. Thanks for the welcome :-)
I just wanted to give you emotional and spiritual comfort. My heart really goes out to you. Losing someone you love is not something you can just wake up the next day and be okay about. You need time to heal. While you're healing, I want to bring you comfort and hope that helped me. The main one I have to share is that you will see your love one again. Whether, you are unfamiliar with the Bible or know about it, it offers promises to mankind that many people are not aware of. If you have your Bible, You'll see at Isaiah 26:19 states that "Thy dead shall live... and the earth shall cast forth the dead." How can we know that it would be right here on earth? Acts 24:15 states "there shall be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and the unjust." Seeing that unjust ones will be resurrected, this can't be taking place in heaven. Lastly, I want you to know that this is not God's plan; for us to die and just be resurrected. He views it as an enemy and soon will do away with it. 1 Cor. 15:26 states " The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death." I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for reading.
Thank you. When did you lose your spouse?
Kaela ... My deepest condolences for your great loss. Your husband was far too young to have passed away and I won't even say I can imagine how you feel. My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and he was 65 years old. We'd known each other 45 years and just missed our 40th Wedding Anniversary. No children and I was left with two dogs and a cat and between them forcing me to go for walks and just being there and this wonderful forum of great people (my angels) I managed to keep it together and knew I wasn't going crazy.
It is very normal for you to feel very exhausted; the brains way of absorbing the shock of your spouse's passing and grief of a close loved one has been dubbed now by some doctors as PTS (Post Traumatic Stress) which I am sure you are going through because of the ages you and your spouse were when he passed away and how he passed away. Let your body do as it wants; cry when you need too, talk through your tears to family, a loyal friend and so happy to hear you are seeing a therapist and please, just post what you feel on this forum as no one judges you and you'll be so surprised at the help you will receive back. Symptoms going through the first year or so of grief (depending on the individual) can be insomnia, frightening dreams, waking up at strange hours, headaches, aches/pains and sometimes panic attacks or anxiety. Foggy memory, can't think enough to read or concentrate on much of anything. I promise, in time although you will never forget your beloved husband that these symptoms will go away. I know every so often even now I can feel over-whelmed at times (not as often as I did) and it's like I've been drugged.
Here are a few tips that may help you. For a short time sleep on the couch with the TV on low and try to get out for a walk in a peaceful place because it does help settle your nerves. Talk to someone and cry if you have to while doing so. I did what you did and got out and gardened, walked the dogs and it helped and as time went on it helped me even more.
YOU ARE NOT HAVING A PITY PARTY! You have every right to feel as you do no matter what age our spouses were. It's a shock and especially in your case with your spouse being so young, then problems at work. Don't worry as things will level off eventually.