Your post echoes what I feel most of the time. I lost my husband (32 years together) in March of 2011. I was his caregiver AND his mother's caregiver; they were both cancer patients. I have created a social network for caregivers and I just wrote an article on exactly this topic - "I know what you're going through," —NO YOU DON'T. It gets better and it evolves, but he just keeps popping up. I expect to turn to him, or nudge him on a private joke. I miss him terribly. We were attached at the hip.
We were just us—no kids. I had wanted a dog for years, so I got one and she is a life saver. If you were a caregiver, please visit my site - www.caregiversurvivalnetwork.com. There is a bereavement section and a section for 'after' caregiving - the hole is very, very big when you've done nothing else but care for someone for 6 years.
You are not going nuts. Your loss is very, very fresh. You sound like you're doing great. I do want to advise you that your friends, though they may be couples, are very important. Immediately after my husband died, everyone was there for me - almost two years later, not so much. I have to reach out to them and if they are real friends, they're still there, but too many people forget. I urge you not to lose touch - you may want to be alone now, but don't cut your friends off totally. They'll understand your need for privacy.
You can write me at firstname.lastname@example.org should you want to pursue the conversation. I wish you only the best. I feel I am lucky to have had the kind of relationship with my husband for as long as I had it.
You're doing great - Best - Adrienne
My husband died July 17, 2009 and like you I was one lost soul!! Everyone else's life continues to go as normal but for those of us who have lost our partner we also lost our "normal" -- and the search for our new normal begins. The road is bumpy and rough. You will have good and bad days, you will always miss your husband, but what keeps me going are the memories my husband and I made for the 33 years we were together. It does get better -- I promise. Remember to not rush yourself through the grief process. Everyone is different. Heck, I still have "Douglas" days -- and I feel like I did the day he died. But the good news is that the feelings don't last as long and I am able to pick myself up and move forward sooner than I was able to when he died. I loved my husband with all my heart and still do. Yes, I still buy special cards for him on those special days and write notes. It makes me feel better and that is what is important. How I am feeling! You are not going crazy -- what you are feeling is very normal. It is called grief and our mind and body will do strange things (where did I put those keys again?) to protect us and help with the healing that is also going on. I feel your pain but please know you will be okay. Your husband is with you and protecting you. I feel Douglas with me daily -- and that gives me the strength to keep on keeping on -- as he would say. I will think of you as you travel the path many of us have been on. Some are just a few steps ahead of you and we will all be there to wait for you to catch up!