Hi, my name is Christy and I have only been a widow for 12 days.  I am sooo lost, and have seen so many posts saying 1-3yrs out ppl are still hurting so bad.  I don't know how to get thru this, and could use any advice, or support. 

 

I am 37, my husband Joe (who just turned 40 in January) died suddenly and unexpectedly when he took an antibiotic and went into anaphylactic shock in our home.  I called 911, tried to keep his airway open, gave him mouth to mouth until the paramedics arrived.  They had trouble getting the airway tube in him, but finally did.  I watched them give him meds, air, and CPR for quite some time.  He was dead before we left the house.  The sheriff drove me to the hospital, and waited until my mother-in-law and sister-in-laws arrived. 

 

This has been an abosulte nightmare!  We had just moved to the Atlanta area, Joe had gotten a great job that he loved, we bought a house (had only lived in it 6 weeks) and then it's all gone.  I have 5 step children, and will most likely never get to see any of them again.  So in a matter of minutes I lost my best friend/soulmate/husband, dreams, family, EVERYTHING!!!

 

I have always been a strong person, and been thru a lot in life.  But for the first time I don't know if i can survive this!  I feel so alone, lost,  and hopeless. 

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Replies to This Discussion

Dear Christy I relate to what you are going through- tho each of us has his own story that varies somewhat. I am constantly told, "It will get better", as if that means anything at that time in my grief.

But something in my heart knows it will be true...someday.

I just came here to this group and plan to check in as often as I need to. Unlike you I had a long while of ups and downs in my husbands illness. It wears you down, and even tho there is writing on the wall that the worse is yet to come, you have hope til the end. I can't imagine facing this suddenly and unexpectedly. My heart goes out to you. May we get some comfort here and from others.

Dear Christy I relate to what you are going through- tho each of us has his own story that varies somewhat. I am constantly told, "It will get better", as if that means anything at that time in my grief.

But something in my heart knows it will be true...someday.

I just came here to this group and plan to check in as often as I need to. Unlike you I had a long while of ups and downs in my husbands illness. It wears you down, and even tho there is writing on the wall that the worse is yet to come, you have hope til the end. I can't imagine facing this suddenly and unexpectedly. My heart goes out to you. May we get some comfort here and from others.

Alanna:

 

           Yes I know what you mean.... everyone tells me "it will get better, in time" "but it will never go away" "God has called him home" "God never gives us more than we can handle"...........and on and on. None of it gives me comfort. 

 

           I read on here in the 2-3 yrs ppl and they say it gets worse.  My mother-in-law lost her husband 3yrs ago now, and I think she's worse than before.  I loved him more than anyone I've ever loved anyone.  It has always taken 2+yrs to even get over breakups, from guys I loved, but knew weren't right.  How long will it take to get over the best thing that ever happened to me. 

 

 

Alanna Bellflower said:

Dear Christy I relate to what you are going through- tho each of us has his own story that varies somewhat. I am constantly told, "It will get better", as if that means anything at that time in my grief.

But something in my heart knows it will be true...someday.

I just came here to this group and plan to check in as often as I need to. Unlike you I had a long while of ups and downs in my husbands illness. It wears you down, and even tho there is writing on the wall that the worse is yet to come, you have hope til the end. I can't imagine facing this suddenly and unexpectedly. My heart goes out to you. May we get some comfort here and from others.

Christy, I am so sorry for your loss. It has been almost 8 months for me and some days are okay and others are terrible. I do remember in the first weeks after my husband passed away I felt like I was in a daze. I went back to work a week after his passing and sometimes I would just have to leave and go sit at the cemetery and cry. I could not concentrate on anything and didn't care about anything. Just take things one day at a time, cry when you need to, rest when you want and ask God to give you the strength you need to continue to go on.  Always remember we are all here to listen any time you need to vent. May God bless and keep you.

 

So I went to the Dr. today to get some anxiety meds.  My husband and I would always go together, so of course first thing when I walked in, the office lady said "just u today, where's ur hubby?"  I started to cry, and told her what happened.  I started to gain composure, then she wanted me to update my records.......UGH!  First time I had to select WIDOW for marital status.... I just LOST IT!  Then telling the DR. what happened, he said Joe was not allergic to anything, and he had prescribed penicillin type meds several times.  He said it's just one of those unexplainable things. 

 

After all of that fun, I took my beloved's truck back to the dealer.  He was so happy and proud to get that truck, but because we had it less than 90 days the dealer said they'd take it back, at least that will save me $350/mnth.  What a day

 

 

 

 

Christy,

My heart breaks for you and for the terrible tragedy you are going through.  I lost my husband suddenly as well to a heart attack in July and it's a mind numbing, unbelievable journey every day.  Let your friends and family step up....when they say "let me know if there's anything I can do" take them up on it!  They really do want to help and just don't know what to do.  Support of family and friends will comfort you and insulate you as you navigate this tragedy.  I know what you are going through and I'm so sorry you have to endure this loss.  This is a good place to visit, even if you don't post.  Visit often.

Sincerely,

Marianne

They all say "let me know if there's anything I can do", family, friends..... I can't think of what they can do.  His sisters have really stepped up for me, came and cleaned our bedroom floor (where he died), and helped me clean out his truck.

 

I just want them to bring him back!  I know they truly wanna help....i know they will help me with the house, once I'm able to work on it again.... right now I can barely breathe. 

 



Marianne said:

Christy,

My heart breaks for you and for the terrible tragedy you are going through.  I lost my husband suddenly as well to a heart attack in July and it's a mind numbing, unbelievable journey every day.  Let your friends and family step up....when they say "let me know if there's anything I can do" take them up on it!  They really do want to help and just don't know what to do.  Support of family and friends will comfort you and insulate you as you navigate this tragedy.  I know what you are going through and I'm so sorry you have to endure this loss.  This is a good place to visit, even if you don't post.  Visit often.

Sincerely,

Marianne

Sorry for your loss, Am going through this journey now as well, over the loss of my soulmate, of many years, and my mum, all within the last eleven months. The only thing that has helped, is my doctor, counselor, group meetings, and medication.  I was so against meds but had to in the end I am alone, lost, and whatever comes with this horrible journey we have to get used to.  It has helped in the last couple of months.  I will eventually come off them when I feel strong enough.  I do pray you get some help whenever you are ready.  I need help every minute of the day, but of course that is not possible. Only those that have been there, understand our battle.

Love and God bless you forever

Oh Christy my heart goes out to you.  I faced those same things - it is so hard to tell people your story regarding the loss of your loved one and to have to accept the title widow is hard too.  I remember the first time I had to check that on a form was so painful.  I am so glad the dealer took the truck back!

Have you gone to the Social Security office yet?  If you haven't you should - not sure how things are for you (if you work, had life insurance, etc.).  You can get a small 1 time death benefit of $250.00 from the SS office as the surviving spouse - you need to call make an appointment and take a copy of the original death certificate and your marriage license (both need to be notorized copies).  If you do not work - you may qualify for your spouses SS benefits now -

 

I just prayed for you Christy just know you have lots of support here and it sounds like your husband's family wants to help so as Floss said - be sure to accept help and take people up on help.

Sheryl



Christy said:

 

So I went to the Dr. today to get some anxiety meds.  My husband and I would always go together, so of course first thing when I walked in, the office lady said "just u today, where's ur hubby?"  I started to cry, and told her what happened.  I started to gain composure, then she wanted me to update my records.......UGH!  First time I had to select WIDOW for marital status.... I just LOST IT!  Then telling the DR. what happened, he said Joe was not allergic to anything, and he had prescribed penicillin type meds several times.  He said it's just one of those unexplainable things. 

 

After all of that fun, I took my beloved's truck back to the dealer.  He was so happy and proud to get that truck, but because we had it less than 90 days the dealer said they'd take it back, at least that will save me $350/mnth.  What a day

 

 

 

 

Dear Christy,

Where do we find the strength? You really had a day nobody should have to face & yet all of us are going through similar things. You were smart to get the meds. now & spare yourself the added anxiety- I need to take my own advice. You accomplished alot quickly that will benefit you well. Anyway, I hope you can relax some today & catch your breathe. God bless you~ Christy 
Christy said:

 

So I went to the Dr. today to get some anxiety meds.  My husband and I would always go together, so of course first thing when I walked in, the office lady said "just u today, where's ur hubby?"  I started to cry, and told her what happened.  I started to gain composure, then she wanted me to update my records.......UGH!  First time I had to select WIDOW for marital status.... I just LOST IT!  Then telling the DR. what happened, he said Joe was not allergic to anything, and he had prescribed penicillin type meds several times.  He said it's just one of those unexplainable things. 

 

After all of that fun, I took my beloved's truck back to the dealer.  He was so happy and proud to get that truck, but because we had it less than 90 days the dealer said they'd take it back, at least that will save me $350/mnth.  What a day

 

 

 

 

Christy, I am sorry for your loss,we all understand what you are going through.As you have noticed we are all in different stages of the greiving process the 29 of this month will be 2 yrs. since I lost my husband of 32 yrs. and I want to say you never get over the loss, you learn how to move forward in your new life. It is not an easy journey but know he is with you every day and will guide you when things are at their hardest don't be afraid to talk to him out loud you might think it's crazy but it does help I told my husband  you have to give me the strenth to get through this. You will see if you read our different stories that at some point we all thought we were or would go crazy with the way we were feeling. I'm not sure if you know but you can click on anyones name and go to their page and most have their stories their.The best thing is to stay with us we will be here to help as we all understand you don't have to go through this alone. Hugs

Christy,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Please know you are not alone.  We are all here for you.  I am here for you and if you need to talk please let me know.  My husband died 10 months ago on Monday and I wish I could tell you im better. I have 3 kids to care for so as much as I would like to curl up and not move I have to get up each day and care for them.  Your stepkids shared your love for their dad so reach out to their mom or whoever is caring for them now and ask to keep in touch with them.  Unless it is a heartless person I cant imagine they would tell you no.  If you can, stay in your house that is the home you shared with your husband and I am sure that is where he would want you to be.  Consult a lawyer when your ready you may have some recourse since he died of an allergic reaction (was he ever allergic to anything before?).  I know that is probably the last thing on your mind but you have to think of your future and care for yourself.  My husband died at 48 of a rare cancer they think he got because he was caught up in the collapse of the World Trade Center on 9/11.  He wasnt a fireman or cop just a poor schlep sitting at a desk in a brokerage house doing his job and the government is only concerned with the first responders.  I have consulted a lawyer and have documentation that all the doctors we have see think it is a 9/11 cancer so I hope the laws will change and my children will be entitled to receive something from the 9/11 fund to help care for them.  Try not to replay those last moments in your head.  I do that a few times each day and it just makes things worse.  I was with Frankie when he died and those last minutes are the last thing I think of at night and the first in the morning.  Try to keep busy and decide what you need to do from here on.  I am going back to school in the fall so I can better care for my kids.  I never want to be a burden to them. Please let me know what I can do to help you.  Hang in there. I take things a minute at a time.  Dont listen to anyone who thinks they know what we feel.  They mean well but alot of people have said alot of stupid things to me.  Do what feels right to you not what they expect from you.  Love Renee

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