Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on July 5, 2014 at 8:29pm

Oh my gosh, Marsha, your story could be mine! I also described David as my best friend, my soulmate and my hero. Not only do I miss his physical presence, I miss the life we had together and I miss my personality because I have changed. I always considered myself an upbeat person with a good sense of humor, but now I wonder if I'll ever be able to find joy or laugh again. I am also a Christian and my faith was badly shaken as well. I'm really trying very hard to be able to trust God again.

I am so sorry for your loss as well and I am sending you a big hug back.



Marsha H said:

Dorothy ...  I am so very sorry regarding the loss of your husband.  My husband passed away at age of 65 April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I lost my soul mate, best friend and hero and we were married almost 40 years and knew each other 45 years.  We also had no children and I have a small immediate family; old friends seemed to disappear gradually and only a very few stayed loyal to me.  My whole life felt like a tornado had picked me up, bashed me around and landed me in a foreign land.  I was in a fog-like state for most of the first year and made no major decisions during that time.  The red tape associated with my husband's death (death certificate) banking, etc., left me stunned even more when I had to take his name of anything we were connected in.  I would wrap myself up in his bathrobe and sob for hours, I lost a lot of weight, I wandered around walking the dogs, seeing a few friends, but found no joy in anything and everything reminded me of my beloved so I do know exactly how you feel.  The 2nd year was a slap of reality when I knew for sure that he was never coming back.  I would take 2 steps forward and then without warning it seemed I slid back 10 steps and the fight was on.  We are stronger than we think when we are faced with grief and knowing we can't change anything and bring our spouses back.  We often surprise ourselves at what we are capable of doing, but the hardest part is beginning to invent yourself all over again alone.  It's tough, but it can be done and in my 3rd year of grief I'm fighting to keep his memory going and to find some sort of life for myself and I won't lie and say it's easy because it isn't, but, miracles happen often and our strength never fails.  I am a Christian, but will admit I faltered from it and I'm still fighting to get back my faith as I blamed God for not answering my prayers and taking the loving and sweet man I married away from me, but each day I do get stronger and so will you.

Common symptoms of grief (not everyone gets them or if they do not in the same order) is fog-like states, loss of memory, eating too much or not enough, sleeping too much or not enough, dreams (some good/some bad) aches, pains, stomach problems, lack of self confidence, confusion, frustration and depression.  Grief counseling helps and I tried the hospice grief group and found for me it didn't help, then tried a psychologist and didn't feel much different, but in my 2nd year of grief I found a wonder grief group at a church and I never missed a meeting.  I find I am stronger now although I do have some health issues, still talk to my husband and feel he is still around me giving me strength. 

The angels on this forum are here to pick each other up (including you) when one of us falls and if it weren't for Legacy I don't think I could have made it.  We can express ourselves openly and honestly without fear of judgment and by reading the posts you'll see you are not at all alone with how you are feeling in your grief.  I do hope you will keep posting and leaning on us.

Hugs (because you need one)

Marsha 

Permalink Reply by Karen W on July 5, 2014 at 10:06pm

Hello Dorothy. I'm so very sorry for the awful loss that brings you here. My husband Ed died of cancer 7months ago. Like you I lost my best friend and love of my life and I miss him incredibly. He knew me better than I knew myself and oh he could make me laugh! That's what I miss the most I think, that joy of life, the laughter. I still wake up in the morning and my first thought is that Ed is gone and I have to struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. Every day is a challenge but somehow I make it through. Your loss is still so new and the wound is raw and the pain seemingly unbearable. After 7 months the ache of loss is still constant, and grief seems to come in waves, either small waves leaving me sad and homesick for what was, or tsunamis that have me on my knees sobbing uncontrollably. I've found that looking too far ahead overwhelms me so I try to take one day at a time. One day I can handle. And this group has been a godsend for me, assuring me that all the emotions that I'm experiencing are very normal and more importantly, that it is okay to feel them. No one judges here, everyone has gone or is going through the pain and fear and sadness and understands like no one else can. Friends are well meaning, but if they haven't lost a spouse, there is no way they can understand what you are feeling, or the depth of your pain. But you have found a good place to come for encouragement, understanding and support. I know you are just at the beginning of your journey but take one day at a time, do whatever you need to do to help yourself, and visit this group often to talk about whatever is on your mind. Even if we don't have answers, you'll know that there are people who understand and care. I hope you have a peaceful night.

Permalink Reply by Cynthia R. Laster on July 7, 2014 at 8:46am

I lost my  husband June 26, 2014.  I am trying daily to adjust to the loss.  I have a small business and, right now, I stay busy and occupied for comfort.  I have friends reach out, but they dont know my pain.  He was my best friend since I lost my mother 7 years ago.  It is difficult thinking of going on without him, but, I know I have to.  

I trust in the Lord who says he will never leave me nor forsake me and get strength and comfort in the word.  

Permalink Reply by janeo on July 7, 2014 at 9:43am

I'm so sorry for your loss. They can't understand what your feeling because they didn't go through it. That's why it's great that Steve Cain started this bereavement group. Every Angel on this site is a blessing. We're all here to help and listen.eveeyone here understands what you feeling. Post what your feeling or just read the post. Whatever your comfortable with. We all understand your pain and what your going through.

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on July 7, 2014 at 8:04pm

Karen, I'm so sorry for your loss.  David had a wonderful sense of humor as well and one of the things I miss is the stupid little silly stuff that we would do to make us both laugh.  It is so very hard to accept that he is gone and I'll never hear his voice again or get a hug from him.

Karen W said:

Hello Dorothy. I'm so very sorry for the awful loss that brings you here. My husband Ed died of cancer 7months ago. Like you I lost my best friend and love of my life and I miss him incredibly. He knew me better than I knew myself and oh he could make me laugh! That's what I miss the most I think, that joy of life, the laughter. I still wake up in the morning and my first thought is that Ed is gone and I have to struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. Every day is a challenge but somehow I make it through. Your loss is still so new and the wound is raw and the pain seemingly unbearable. After 7 months the ache of loss is still constant, and grief seems to come in waves, either small waves leaving me sad and homesick for what was, or tsunamis that have me on my knees sobbing uncontrollably. I've found that looking too far ahead overwhelms me so I try to take one day at a time. One day I can handle. And this group has been a godsend for me, assuring me that all the emotions that I'm experiencing are very normal and more importantly, that it is okay to feel them. No one judges here, everyone has gone or is going through the pain and fear and sadness and understands like no one else can. Friends are well meaning, but if they haven't lost a spouse, there is no way they can understand what you are feeling, or the depth of your pain. But you have found a good place to come for encouragement, understanding and support. I know you are just at the beginning of your journey but take one day at a time, do whatever you need to do to help yourself, and visit this group often to talk about whatever is on your mind. Even if we don't have answers, you'll know that there are people who understand and care. I hope you have a peaceful night.

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on July 7, 2014 at 8:06pm

Cynthia, I am sorry for your loss as well. We do what we have to do to go on, but it is so, so difficult.

Cynthia R. Laster said:

I lost my  husband June 26, 2014.  I am trying daily to adjust to the loss.  I have a small business and, right now, I stay busy and occupied for comfort.  I have friends reach out, but they dont know my pain.  He was my best friend since I lost my mother 7 years ago.  It is difficult thinking of going on without him, but, I know I have to.  

I trust in the Lord who says he will never leave me nor forsake me and get strength and comfort in the word.  

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on July 8, 2014 at 5:21am

Dorothy ... What a small world and I'm sending prayers your way.  I find after grieving for 3 1/2 years I do laugh a little and my humor is coming back more and more, but like you I often wonder if I'll ever enjoy life again.  It seems both of us are trying to trust in God, but what makes it difficult for us is we did trust and still lost our beloved spouses so that trust is difficult to regain, but I'm trying.

Please keep posting as you will find a great deal of encouragement and hope on this site.  Legacy saved my life literally.

Hugs back

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on July 8, 2014 at 5:26am

Cynthia ..  I am so very sorry over the loss of your dear husband and one solace is the wonderful people on Legacy and you will often be surprised at how many things we have in common regarding grief.  My husband passed away from pancreatic cancer in Hospice April 27, 2011 and I still have my days when I miss him so much, but although we don't like the quote 'time heals' it does to a degree. There is a part of the grief journey we must go through alone even though we have help from family, friends and Legacy and it's trying to recreate our own lives without our true loves beside us.  I still talk to my husband out loud I the house or even the car and I just feel he is there watching over me and also God (or a higher power as some people may believe in.)  You are just starting your journey of grief, but we're here for you so lean on us. 

Big hug (because you need it)

Marsha
 
Cynthia R. Laster said:

I lost my  husband June 26, 2014.  I am trying daily to adjust to the loss.  I have a small business and, right now, I stay busy and occupied for comfort.  I have friends reach out, but they dont know my pain.  He was my best friend since I lost my mother 7 years ago.  It is difficult thinking of going on without him, but, I know I have to.  

I trust in the Lord who says he will never leave me nor forsake me and get strength and comfort in the word.  

Permalink Reply by janeo on July 8, 2014 at 10:34am

Dorothy, Cynthia , karen

Here are a couple of songs that might comfort you some. It may make you cry at first but after letting out the tears thats when the comfort sets in. I hope it helps you out alittle.
1. Until we're together again by Tiffany Coburn

2. To where you are by Josh Groban

3. I'll see you again by Westlife

4. If Heaven was needing a Hero by Jo Dee Messina

These songs helped me . I cried a lot but helped releasing feeling that I was holding in. It also helped a lot of other widows and widowers. Only trying to help it's been 41/2 years for me and I know my Richie is in peace and no more pain. I rather me be in such pain than him. Richie was my life savior and the best thing that happened to me besides our son.

Permalink Reply by Terry Kent on July 16, 2014 at 12:42pm

Hi Dorothy:  I'm so sorry for your loss.  But I can say I understand your pain.  I lost my husband on January 2nd to an industrial accident at work.  He was only 51.  We have 2 kids and my 22 year old son worked with him so he was there trying to save him and went into shock.  My husband and I have been together for 30 years, married 24.  Although we have 2 kids, they are grown/growing up and are doing their own thing much of the time and my husband and I were just getting back to all the spending time together that we did before.  We worked together, loved each others company and never ran out of things to talk about.  You are definitely not crazy or alone.  This is the hardest thing I can ever imagine.  I never thought it would be something I would have to deal with, especially at 52.  Coping is hard.  Sometimes being distracted and busy helps me, but then all of a sudden this wave comes over me and I get angry and upset and filled with disbelief still, and its been 6 months.  My whole world was built around Gus and I have no idea who I am or what I am without him, so I feel like I'm living the life of a robot going through the motions of functioning every day but not really living, if that makes any sense.  Time spent with my kids is wonderful, but I also have to give them their space.  That's when I realize that my world is shattered and empty and I don't know where to turn because I didn't plan on spending it like this.  I'm sure you can relate.  I'm hoping that someday this robot life I'm living turns back into a real one.  Right now I can't imagine how because I want my husband here with me to finish our plans and that can't happen.  Its devastating, but I know he would be strong enough to keep going if he were here and I wasn't, so I try to think that way.  Between that and my kids it keeps me getting up and functioning every day, but just functioning, not living.   I guess time will tell.  I find comfort in reading all the posts here and knowing there are so many others who can relate and understand.  I don't post much, but I read the posts every day as they come in since I can see them on my phone.  I get comfort in that and knowing that if I write in I will get a response from someone who understands.  This is a wonderful site full of understanding people and I hope you come often and share your thoughts and read those of others.  You will find it to be a help.  Take care of yourself, Terry

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on July 16, 2014 at 10:41pm

Terry, I am so sorry for your loss, too. It seems we are pretty much going through the same things. I've described my daily functioning as moving through jello. What a shock that was for you to lose your husband so suddenly and so young. You are in my prayers.

Dorothy



Terry Kent said:

Hi Dorothy:  I'm so sorry for your loss.  But I can say I understand your pain.  I lost my husband on January 2nd to an industrial accident at work.  He was only 51.  We have 2 kids and my 22 year old son worked with him so he was there trying to save him and went into shock.  My husband and I have been together for 30 years, married 24.  Although we have 2 kids, they are grown/growing up and are doing their own thing much of the time and my husband and I were just getting back to all the spending time together that we did before.  We worked together, loved each others company and never ran out of things to talk about.  You are definitely not crazy or alone.  This is the hardest thing I can ever imagine.  I never thought it would be something I would have to deal with, especially at 52.  Coping is hard.  Sometimes being distracted and busy helps me, but then all of a sudden this wave comes over me and I get angry and upset and filled with disbelief still, and its been 6 months.  My whole world was built around Gus and I have no idea who I am or what I am without him, so I feel like I'm living the life of a robot going through the motions of functioning every day but not really living, if that makes any sense.  Time spent with my kids is wonderful, but I also have to give them their space.  That's when I realize that my world is shattered and empty and I don't know where to turn because I didn't plan on spending it like this.  I'm sure you can relate.  I'm hoping that someday this robot life I'm living turns back into a real one.  Right now I can't imagine how because I want my husband here with me to finish our plans and that can't happen.  Its devastating, but I know he would be strong enough to keep going if he were here and I wasn't, so I try to think that way.  Between that and my kids it keeps me getting up and functioning every day, but just functioning, not living.   I guess time will tell.  I find comfort in reading all the posts here and knowing there are so many others who can relate and understand.  I don't post much, but I read the posts every day as they come in since I can see them on my phone.  I get comfort in that and knowing that if I write in I will get a response from someone who understands.  This is a wonderful site full of understanding people and I hope you come often and share your thoughts and read those of others.  You will find it to be a help.  Take care of yourself, Terry

Permalink Reply by Theresa Wimann on July 29, 2014 at 7:08pm

Marsha, you are always so wise.

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