At the age of 59 my husband of 22 years passed away 3 months ago from cancer.  I am so distraught and so alone I don't know where to turn. I was his primary caregiver I did everything for him and then like this huge slap in the face it comes to a screeching halt  because he passed away.  From running to doctors, tests, treatments, scans, hospitals, er's and now nothing.  I was so in tuned to him doctors were afraid of me because I called them on everything and now nothing. I have files, cd's, scans reports and flow charts with his blood work in a folder some doctors could not believe how much I knew about his condition and now nothing.  I retired to take full care of him and now nothing.  My heart is so broken and I am so alone I miss him so much.  When I did a memorial college of his life I realized how much in love we were after all these years.  It was very hard trying to find a picture without us hanging on each other.  I look in the mirror and wonder who I am, where will I go, what will become of me.  We did everything together and now nothing.  After all the condolences are over people forget and move on with their lives.  There are so few calls I almost wish I did not have a phone. I sometimes am grateful for a wrong number!  This is my third death in 3 years, my father then 9 months later my mother and then 17 months later my husband.  The 3 most important people in ones life all gone from mine with in a year of each other.  The 3 most important people who will love you unconditionally just gone.  I have never felt so alone as I do now.  Well, I'm starting to rattle so I'll close for now and hope tomorrow is easier than today.

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Jane, I am so sorry you had to join us in this group. This is a place where people understand what you are going through.  I lost my husband 4 months ago suddenly from a brain aneurysm and we had been married for 41 years.  I know what you mean about the phone not ringing...everyone else has a life to go on to.  I'm just glad I am still working so I can be with people...but other times I do not want to see or talk to anyone.  Keep coming here and hopefully you will find some comfort.  Hugs
Jane, I am so sorry you had to join us in this group. This is a place where people understand what you are going through.  I lost my husband 4 months ago suddenly from a brain aneurysm and we had been married for 41 years.  I know what you mean about the phone not ringing...everyone else has a life to go on to.  I'm just glad I am still working so I can be with people...but other times I do not want to see or talk to anyone.  Keep coming here and hopefully you will find some comfort.  Hugs

Dear Jane.  Very sorry to hear of your loss.  My husband passed away 2 weeks short of his 58th birthday from colon cancer, 1 year ago August 31st. We were married 39 years.  I also lost my mom and then my dad 9 months within each other, so I know what you mean, all those people who loved us and would give us a hug when we needed it, now not there.  Hard to expect others to fill that void, even though they have the best of intentions.  Yes life does go on, whether we want it to or not.   Through the journey you may find you need new people in your life not others you thought you could depend on.  Others don't understand the pain and the loss if they have not gone through it, while they may try.  Try and reach out and glad you are coming to the site, it is good to share stories with others who know how it feels.

 

Take care,

Carol

Dear Jane,

 

I send my condolences on the death of your beloved husband and best friend.  My husband died 2 years ago a week after our 26th wedding anniversary.  He was my best friend and we had a relationship that will be with me forever.   I too was Douglas's caregiver.  And I would do it again -- without any complaining or regret.  It has taken me this long to accept that he is now at peace and out of pain.  Hospice was a God send and I am forever thankful for this wonderful organization and its staff.  Angels on earth!

My heart is broken and no amount of duct tape will fix it.  The pain of my husband's death has eased somewhat and although I still have what I call "grief bursts" they don't last as long.  What I now have in place of the pain and emptiness are the beautiful memories he and I made together.  I smile when I hear a favorite song -- and cry as well.  You will have many moments of emptiness, feelings of lonliness, and the grief will seem unbearable at times.  But trust me when I say that you are going to be okay.  It does take "time" which is something all of us on this site have heard far too many times.  It will happen for you as well.  The first year -- that year of experiencing all the holidays and special moments "alone" will be the most difficult.  But you will get through it.  Stay with us on this site and we will be here for you.  All of us has been or is going through that dreadful first year of grief.  You are numb and that is actually a good thing.  It is your body's way of protecting itself and getting you through this difficult emotional situation.  Is the second year any better?  Yes -- but you will still grieve the loss of your wonderful husband, you will still miss him, and you will wish you could talk or touch him one more time.  I don't think that ever goes away.  But you will also realize that he is no longer in pain and is watching over you every moment.  And that is what gets me through the rough spots.  My Douglas is watching over me -- and he is in a healthy body once again.  And I know that he and I will be together again.

Jane, you will discover that life does continue to move forward and those around us who are not as involved with the death seem to be going ahead with life.  They are and so are you, but at a different pace and awareness.  I feel your pain -- been there!  Trust me, in time that pain will ease.  I can't say it will ever go away completely, but it does take on a new dimension.  I miss my husband every day.  There are days when I don't think I will make it, but I do.  His unconditional love and beautiful memories are what keeps me going.  That love will never die.  He is in my heart forever.  I came across a poem a few weeks ago that might help you. 

"Remember Me" by David Harkins

Do not shed tears when I have gone
but smile instead because I have lived.

Do not shut your eyes and pray to God that I’ll come back
but open your eyes and see all that I have left behind.

I know your heart will be empty because you cannot see me
but still I want you to be full of the love we shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live only for yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of what happened
between us yesterday.

You can remember me and grieve that I have gone
or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.

You can cry and lose yourself become distraught
and turn your back on the world
or you can do what I want - smile, wipe away the tears,
learn to love again and go on.

 

May this poem bring you some comfort.  Keep posting on this site.  We are all here for each other.  I send you love, peace, comfort and continued strength as you travel down the road of grief.  We are on that same path and will be here to lend you and everyone else just starting the journey to find some sense of healing.

Have a blessed evening!

Brigitte

Jane

I went through the same situation with my wife. The anniversary of her death is September 26th. She was truly my soul mate and losing her was like being a Siamese twin separated by a chain saw. People do not know what to say to you so they say nothing. What you did for love was the right thing. I still have my wife's home health records sitting on a chair. I have donated all of her excess medical supplies to a couple of doctors who travel to places without resources. I still cry every day over my love but life has gone on and I am starting to enjoy it a little again. The pain does not go away but does get less acute. Your husband will always be with you in your heart. Let yourself breathe again and start on your new road. Not a better road but a new one nonetheless. There will be joy again but it will also be muted. This is what I have experienced so far on my new journey.

Jane, I am sorry for your loss and do understand your feelings as many of us do. I also took care of my husband as his illness progressed. We were together 32 yrs and at age 49 he got emphysema and fought the battle for 10 yrs. The last 7 months of his life I also got sick and had to retire as strange as it may sound I was greatfull because I was able to be home with him @ all times. It is very diffucult to go from being the caregiver to having nothing to do and the emptyness of being alone is unimaginable and unbearable. You have found a wonderfull place here to share your feelings and to vent we all do understand what you are going through. You might find it helpfull to read our pages just click on our names and hopefully you will see the many phases we are experenceing and know what you are going through is normal. Hugs
Jane,  I am so sorry about your husband and to have another one join this "club".  I also am 59 and my husband of 40 years has been gone 11 months on Sept. 15, 2011.  My husband also had cancer, lung cancer which eventually spread.  From the time he was diagnosed until he passed away was only 5 months. I was also Neals caretaker.  We also had worked together 24/7  in our business for 15 years.  Now the caretaking is gone and I am trying to turn over the company to our sons as I just don't have the heart for it anymore.  As I have said before, the only advise I can give you is that you have found a good site.  This site has been a lifesaver for me.  This is a site I can say what I feel and don't have to be an actress and pretend that I am ok, because I am not ok and everyone here knows what I mean.  So come to this site to complain, cry, get comfort or give hope, but use it.  HUGS 
Jane, so sorry you had to join this group; the group no one ever wanted to be a part of. I feel your pain, as I've been there myself; but it has been almost 3 yrs. Still have some bad days that I miss him terribly, or still ever yell at him for leaving me. I think it took me till the middle of the 2nd yr to actually realize I was on my own & live had to go one; cause that is what I promised him & he wanted. You are in such an early stage of grief, that you are numb to what's happening. Just remember to take one day at a time, step by step; & sometimes you will fall back a step, but you will (& can) go on. Love, Prayers & Hugs to you.
Jane, I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband passed 2/7/11 at the age of 45.  I truly understand how you feel.  Take one day at a time.  It will not be easy, but you can do it.  Everyone believes in you.  Feel free to email me trotwood83@yahoo.com.  This is a great place to air your thoughts and feelings.  We have all lost a loved one.

Jane, I am very sorry you have to go through this, its not an easy journey. I lost my husband 31 yrs ago at the age of 38, and I Lost my secound husband 15 yrs ago, from cancer after 10 yrs of marriage. I Can tell you , that in time after all the pain, and tears you will begin to come to terms with this loss.For me I had to feel the pain before I  was able to heal. Dont run from it because it will be right there waiting for you when your through running.. Start a journal.. put all your feelings in it.. I call it screaming on paper. It helps. In 5 yrs, take that book out and read it, then you will see how much better you have gotten. God Bless you, and give you the strength to get through this most difficult time.

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