Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sheri Dettman on January 24, 2017 at 10:00am

Hi Tiffany,

I lost my husband the end of Aug. after a 10 week battle with a brain tumor and we were married 11 years. I had never lost anyone either. It still doesn't seem real. It will continue to be a roller coaster for a long time and the only thing to do is ride it out. You will get a lot of good advice from the people on this site. A book that helped me to at least try and figure out some practical things is called Widow to Widow. That's a good one for right in the beginning. I also read Confessions of a Grieving Christian and am going thru Healing After Loss now. Nothing you will read will change the process but it does help you know that you are not alone and that others go thru the same things. For example, driving does seem to be one of the worst times. I keep a stack of Kleenex next to me in my car. None of us will ever "get over it". We will continue to hold the love of our lost ones in our heart and try and surround ourselves with those thoughts. I won't say that it has gotten any easier for me as each day I wake up and can't believe that this is my life. But we do get up because we have to. 

Permalink Reply by Corey on January 24, 2017 at 11:24am

Tiffany I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I lost my husband suddenly almost 3 months ago, he was 37. Similar to you, I woke up to find my husband in bed having a heart issue, I tried to save him but was not successful. Aside from loosing a child, I don't think that there is a pain more terrible than being without your other half. We have a 5 and 9 year old so I have to get up and go on with life but it is a struggle every day . I sleep on the couch bc I can't bear to be in our room where I relive the worst moments of my life and I barely sleep now. It's such a roller-coaster of emotions every day. There are no words to make you feel better and I can't say it gets easier, at least it hasn't for me. I usually come to this site and just sob, whether I'm posting something or just reading stories like yours so I'm not sure if it's helpful or not. What I will say is that unless you half suffered a loss like ours, no one knows how we feel, except the people in the group. We feel all the awful raw feelings that you are right now. All of the things I said have been expressed by others in this group so use it as an outlet if it helps you. Those feelings of breaking down and being numb continue to be my struggle as well. I wish you the best during this horrible time.

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on January 24, 2017 at 5:49pm

Tiffany,  I'm so sorry for your sudden loss.  I lost my husband Ken on 1/13/16 so I just passed the one year anniversary.  He was 52 years old and we had been together for 30 years and married for 26 1/2 of them.  My husband had been sick since 2008 with various health issues affecting his organs.  He had always managed to recover and get back to his life but this one was different.  He spent the last month of his life in the hospital but even still, we and the doctors expected him to recover.  He went into cardiac arrest in the second I turned from him to move a chair.  I was literally having a conversation with him, turned my back to move the chair and heard him make a sound.  When I turned back, he was arching backwards as if he was having a seizure.  The doctors and nurses were in his room within 10 seconds and worked on him for over an hour and still couldn't save him.  I tell you this so you'll know the guilt you feel is normal.  I still replay this in my head every night.  I want a do-over for so many things.  Maybe if I did this instead of that would things have turned out differently, etc  (too many to mention).  He was my absolute everything and I still cry for him every day.  The car is the worst because you finally get a few minutes to yourself and all you do is think....think about the past, the present and the future that'll never be.  During the day I can focus on work and beat the thoughts back if they start creeping in but when I drive home knowing he won't be there, I just scream that I want him back now.  It's also hard getting out of bed every morning knowing I have to face another day without him.  I tend to wake up 4 or 5 times a night thinking about him.

Don't rush yourself or put any time limit on yourself for grieving.  As far as the stages of grieving, I will never hit acceptance and my anger is more towards the living than his illness, God, doctors.  My anger is over the "stupid" things people say to me.  I do realize they say these things in an effort to help but if you haven't experienced this particular loss, you have no idea how devastating or all consuming it is.  As Corey said, other than losing a child, the loss of a spouse is the next worse loss.  This is someone who was your other half, the person you were sharing one life with.  At least, that's how I feel.  HIs life and my life were so intertwined that we were living one life.  This doesn't mean we were attached at the hip.

I do hope you'll find some help here.  I know I did.  Connecting with people who could understand what I was feeling and thinking was a lifesaver.  I have no one in my life that has experienced this loss so I can't talk to anyone about it ( or they start saying stupid things).  My Legacy family has been there for me..

Sending you hugs tonight.

Sara

Permalink Reply by Harold McKinstry on January 24, 2017 at 6:02pm

Hi Tiffany

Sorry for your loss, it will be a year on the 29th of this month since my wife passed away. Unfortunately everything you are feeling is normal, and to have all these feelings jump all over in one day or an hour happens. You are in raw grief, the five stages of grief are nice to know it is never in a neat orderly package that you go step by step. I found it helpful to let your grief go where it needs to go, I felt a lot of the things you mentioned. My wife was in Hospital for 6 weeks, I had to make the decision to turn off her ventilator. For quite a while I had a little voice in my head that would pop up and say maybe you shouldn't have you might have killed your wife. With time I realized I did the best I could with the information I had nobody can ask more than that. I have found it very helpful to post on here often, the most well meaning friend can't have a clue what it is like if they haven't gone through losing a spouse. Everyone on her is very kind and supportive and nonjudgmental.  There are people on here that are just starting their grief journey and others that have been 5 years or more. I have always gotten great advice and support on here, I know I would be in much worse shape if not for this site. I also found it helpful not to look to far ahead, just deal with the here and now. I hope you will post on here often and get the help I have on here, we are all here for you. I  find it helps me when I can help someone else too. 

Permalink Reply by Tiffany Phillips on January 25, 2017 at 11:08am

It's one of those things, we were only together 3 years, but it was forever.  I knew it, the people around us knew it, his family knew it.  Granted I'm 'young' but I have never loved anyone like I love him.  Marriage was something we knew was down the road, but we were in no hurry because we were fine, we were great.  But as I sat there last week, looking at pictures and thinking about memories, I realized I will never have enough pictures, I will never have enough memories.  How can someone go to sleep and just never wake up.  How could I have not woken him up.  How could I have not realized he was dead and not just sleeping.  The list goes on and on, the hurt goes on and on.  I know logically I did everything I could; I know logically he's gone.  That doesn't make it any better.  I know it's only been a week and a half, but the pain is so real, the weight on my chest, I feel heavy and exhausted, and I just wish, over and over, that he will come back.  That he will walk through the door.  How can there be one of the most wonderful, kind-hearted man ever and he just get ripped away from the world so fast.  Maybe that's what I'm angry about, that there are people who do terrible things over and over again and seem to escape death, but a good man goes to sleep and never wakes up.  

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on January 25, 2017 at 4:24pm

Tiffany, The length of time you were married has nothing to do with the amount of love in your heart.  Don't sell yourself short because you were "only" married 3 years or allow anyone else to assume it doesn't hurt just as deeply as longer married couples.  He was your soul mate.

You pretty much just said one of the things I say here to my friends.  My husband was beyond loving to all people.  He was one of the best people the Lord has ever created and he's gone but these horrible people who do nothing but hurt others get to live into old age.  It's just not fair.   We will never have our answers here in this life.   Please try not to beat yourself up about not waking up ( I know, much easier said than done).  There's no way you could have known he wasn't sleeping.  Most people don't shake their spouses in the middle of the night "just to check".  I'm still working on getting past all the things I wish I had or had not done.  I know none of it would have changed the outcome but I still have the "what if's".  You'll have to trust that he knew how deeply he was loved.

Permalink Reply by Corey on January 25, 2017 at 7:19pm

That "what if..." is really a terrible thing. I go through it all the time. And the other thing about how can such good people leave us so soon...another thing I think about every day. It's not fair and it just sucks! I wish I had words to comfort you, I wish others had words to comfort me. Our time will come when the pain isn't so raw but that's so far off in the distance that it's impossible to see, I know. We can only get through one minute at a time. My heart is hurting with you, you are not alone.

Permalink Reply by Harold McKinstry on January 26, 2017 at 10:37am

Hi Tiffany

It doesn't matter how long you were together, me and Diane were a blind date set up by a friend. I avoided it for a while, we set up a double date half way through the night I thought to myself I don't want to screw this up we could have something special, she told me she felt the same.  I feel bad for you, it must have been rough to wake up and find him passed away, I can't imagine. I asked a lot of the same questions and felt the same anger you do. Unfortunately there's no good answers, I finally just realized shitty things happen to good people, I'm not a firm believer in God had a reason and plan for Diane's death.  I wish there was answers, but I guess I finally figured it wouldn't make a difference she would still be gone. It will take time but your pain will lessen, It will never go away I guess you just learn to live with it. I wish I had better advise or more to tell you. I am a lot better than I was a year ago, it changes you and your outlook on life, but I have no choice other than to try to make a life for myself without Diane. You don't have to worry about that yet just try to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day.

Permalink Reply by Sheri Dettman on January 25, 2017 at 7:46pm

I think the same thing all the time. How is it that there are horrible people walking around just fine and we've lost good, kind people. The only thing I can figure out is that if the bad people were taken, people wouldn't care as much. When the good ones are taken, especially too young as in all of our cases, it really makes a difference not only in our lives but in the lives of everyone that knew them. We all ask why every day and what if and it goes on and on. The tears still come with the enormity of it all. Some days are just overwhelming a lot more than others and you feel like how can you go on without your person? I ask myself that every day and today was the 5 month mark. Corey is right with the it "sucks". I have a friend that used much worse language than that and I had to agree. One minute at a time and then one hour at a time and then one day at a time. It's all we can do.

Permalink Reply by Tiffany Phillips on January 27, 2017 at 9:01am

I went back to work this week because I knew that if I didn't I wouldn't ever want to get out of bed.  I know I need to take things minute by minute.  What is some advice to just start moving forward.  I'm trying to do a few normal things here and there, until it becomes easier.  Yesterday was hard, I left work early just because everything felt so heavy.  Like a house was on top of me, like I was being more useless than useful.  I know my parents and sister are being wonderful by letting me stay with them, but I know I'm throwing their lives for a loop by being there instead of my own house.  I know they want me to go back, but I just don't know.  He passed away there, he won't be there anymore, I'll be alone.  How do I know when I'm ready to go back to the house.

Permalink Reply by Sheri Dettman on January 27, 2017 at 10:14am

Tiffany, for me, I found that it helped to do the same routine that I had always done when Bill was at home. So the same breakfast routine, the walk to the gym (I spend that 5 minutes on the way and back talking to Bill), I say the same Good Morning Honeykins to him and he'd say to me Good Morning Cakes and Cats and I'd "meow" for the cats. I still do that every day. And then the getting ready for work routine. Just one step at a time. Going to the gym is very helpful so that you get moving. Or even just walking. I have to give myself that time to just talk to him and go over things every day. It usually involves tears because I miss him so much. You have to let it out. My eyes feel like sandpaper from the salt of the tears all the time.  Also, we went out to dinner a lot so I still do that. Either with friends or if I'll go by myself. I think you have to do what you know. Your whole world has been turned upside down so you look for something that is familiar. Right now I read a couple of passages from Healing after Loss and look at Bill's picture and touch it right before I walk to the gym so that my head has something to concentrate on. Last night I attended a concert by Storme Large. She sings with Pink Martini as well and has quite a resume. I'd never seen her and didn't know what her set would be like. I ended up in tears quite a bit as she addressed death and loss and sang several songs like Nothing Compares To You. It was really great and so very sad at the same time. But the message was that our loved ones are OK.  Of course, the friends that I went with were all in tears as well. They knew Bill and the one woman just lost her mom not that long ago. The answer to your question is that no one can tell you when you'll be ready. You'll just know.

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on January 27, 2017 at 2:32pm

Tiffany,  I went back to work after 2 weeks.  It really was a little too soon to go back but I couldn't see being in our house alone all day long anymore so I went back.  The first week I didn't work full days.  I left early.  A few days over the next few weeks I would go out driving a lunch time because I had to get out of there.  It was hard to hold it together for a full 8 hour workday.  I didn't realize prior to losing Ken that I felt normal, I didn't realize there was such a thing.  Since losing him, I no longer feel normal......nothing feels right, nothing looks right etc obviously because our worlds have been turned upside down.  You have the added difficulty of not wanting to be in the home you two shared because that's where he passed away.  Maybe try to focus on all the good times you had there.  You may surprise yourself by being comforted in the presence of his things.  

I don't know where you stand on beliefs of the afterlife, but I fully believe.  Several years before I lost Ken, I had a couple of experiences with a Medium.  It wasn't something I sought out but it was enough to make me believe.  I have since been to a Medium twice in the past year and Ken has come through both times.   I know this was him because the things she said to me (from him) were VERY specific, things she couldn't have possibly known about.  It's because of these experiences, that I can motivate myself to get through another day.  I know that he's with me and always will be.  I see and hear the signs he sends to let me know he's around.  I'll bet if you thought about it and looked around, you would see the signs too.  It doesn't necessarily make it easier because we can't see or touch them, but it's all we have right now.