All I want is, to feel him touch my face again..

I don't know how long I can take the pain I feel without him here.

My husband passed on 1-23-2011 and I'm really alone begging for someone to hear my screams for someone to just hold me.

After 27 years with the love of my life I can't find who I Am

I woke up every day excited because I knew he would soon follow me outside for coffee.

He would always start the morning off with a joke.

He would end each night by touching my face and we never not kissed each other good night or good morning.

Even when mad at each other we would kiss, it might be a little peck, but we would still kiss.

I have now even lost control of my home, I have no one to cook for and no reason to do anything. It all seems pointless now. I've lost 20lbs since his death and still feel no reason to cook.

If only one person would just hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes.

Just be there, not one word needs to be said just the safty of someone holding you is what's missed the most.

Sleep, I'm so scared if I'm not up a little I won't hear if someone breaks in.

How do you stop the feeling of a pain you never heard about?

You know people die, You felt the lost of a parent or a sister or brother, even a friend but, I've never heard it put into words the feeling of this kind of pain.

And everyone telling you it get's better, really have no idea because they have not yet felt this kind of in your gut sick pain. I'm sorry for what you all have to go through.

But there is a few blessings I've gotten from this.

I know the man I love will never feel this

I'm so lucky to have had that really happy marriage and in love to the end.

 

I miss you my friend and will always love you, Your Wife

 

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Replies to This Discussion

D'Andrea:  Good for you for being able to find "a few blessings".  I, too, am glad my hubby isn't going through what all of "us" are.  I need to come back here and read the posts more often than what I do.  I can't seem to come up with ANYTHING to get me to "move on" in life.
D'Andrea:  Good for you for being able to find "a few blessings".  I, too, am glad my hubby isn't going through what all of "us" are.  I need to come back here and read the posts more often than what I do.  I can't seem to come up with ANYTHING to get me to "move on" in life.

D'Andrea,

I know exactly & I hate it for all of us here as well. It's been 6 months- soon 7 & I have not cooked a meal since. My husband loved my cooking... it was really hard the first few times I had to go grocery shopping-alone. I can go without crying in the store now, usually before I get out of the truck & as soon as I get back in. It's hard. I also dropped just over 20 lbs right away & haven't gained it back. I couldn't lose 5 lbs before & it makes me feel bad that he put up w/ me being heavy & now it's gone- who cares now?! Death is new to me also. My grandfather died 2 years ago, healthy to his last breathe at 99 years, but my Larry was only 38 years old. Larry was killed in a work related accident. After he left for work that morning I never got to lay eyes on him again. It destroys me. This site helps so much, because others just can't imagine. I know I would never have been able to imagine this before it happened to me. Like you, I can see that I am growing, but I have ALOT of growing pains. I wish you the  best. Also, remember it helps to focus on the present & not toworry or concern yourself with what might be ahead-minute by minute is all you can do sometimes. My prayers & HUGS, Christy

Hi D'Andrea, I am very sorry.  I know what you are feeling.  My husband left on Dec 23, 2009.  It was very sudden as per dr. it was silent heart attack so he never felt it.  Till today my pain and bewilderment hasn't decreased.  I have three boys and they keep me busy.  I am here to tell you that we all here understand your pain and all the other emotions you are going through.  I wish I was in your city and could have given you that hug and let you cry as much you want.  I am sorry I am not much help but today is 15 months for me.  Take care, I will pray for you.

Dear D'Andrea,

I am so very, very sorry over the death of your beloved - of course, each day is like a dagger to the heart because your sweetie isn't beside you, because you cannot hear his voice, feel his arms around you, put your head on his chest or tell him to pick up his pants off the floor....My husband died 21 months ago, on 29 June 2009, and I miss him just as much now as I did then.....I've cried and cry in parking lots: the Post Office, the supermarket, the garage at work. I miss his comforting, soft voice, his warm, manly smell - and he is the elephant in the room that people will NOT talk about, except with two special people that are willing to LISTEN to me talk about him - whether how hard it was to change him at the end (it is one thing to change a 5-month-old baby; a 55-year-old man is entirely different!), or how he was NOT slow when he got into a car (before he got so sick, he'd had four (4) Corvettes, and at times I thought I would find out how cute the local paramedics were because he drove at Warp Six (and always managed to avoid the attention of the local constabulary, the little devil!)

I have not joined a GriefShare or other such group, because I would be TOO ANGRY: My husband is DEAD, and there is NOTHING NEAT OR WONDERFUL OR BLESSED ABOUT IT, blankety-blank!!!!!  However, the hospice that did care for him offered a Bereavement Counselor that came to my place (!) 1-2 times a month for a year, and that was INCREDIBLY helpful - to have someone sit with you, listen to you cry and scream and talk about your beloved husband - you may want to check with a local hospice and see if such a person is available to meet with you privately - your husband need not have been cared for by them in most cases.

I don't really go anywhere but work, church and the women's prison (I still do prison ministry) - I don't see the point, and I had to learn to say a quick blessing every time I'd see a couple, because I would think "Damn them - why do THEY get to be together, to love, laugh and live, and MY sweetie is DEAD!!!" But a little blessing helps me not to be bitter or angry - you will always have this hole in your heart, you will always cry, eventually not as much, but you will have those times the rest of your days.

 

Peace, comfort, healing and blessing be with and upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Beautiful words and it sounds like you had a beautiful relationship with your husband.  My husband died suddenly and it has been four months of intense pain - instead of getting easier it gets harder.  I think as time goes on people think you should adjust to "normal" (whatever that is after a tragic event like this) again.  It is the opposite - as time goes on you become more and more aware of this huge loss.  My husband died 11 days before my birthday - I was numb then, Thanksgiving and Christmas were just a blur.  Now in June I will have to deal with his birthday and Father's Day, etc.  I always make it a point to honor our children, grandchildren's birthdays and also made sure all the kids/grandkids came over to celebrate his birthday ,etc.  I have lost my joy for life - as each day gets harder I wish I could trade places with him yet as you said - I wouldn't wish this sadness upon him either.  I am glad he is at peace and look forward to the day I get to join him.  Until then - I will carry on.  God Bless you!

Oh, D'Andrea, I just cried and cried on reading of your loss, so much that I wasn't really able to read it all.   I will come back and read better another time.  I just lost my husband January 10 of this year, 2011, and I feel so much your expressions here.

 

I send my heartfelt empathy and am glad you have touched us here.  After my first post on Legacy, I did not return for a while, and now I'm not sure if I write too much.  But know if I can send any warmth and comfort your way, it is there for you.

 

Sisters in grief,

Terri



Julie said:
I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain you are feeling. It has been 7 months since my soulmate passed away and I know your anguish. I still wish to get my three kisses. We never had one kiss, it was always 3 in a row. It was just our little thing. I miss walking up to him and giving him a big hug when he was cooking. I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss watching Survivor with him. It is just not the same w/o him.  I find myself crying now, still, because I lost the love of my live. We were together 15 years. I never imagined there could be such pain in my heart. I thought my heart had been broken once or twice before, but nothing could ever compare to this. I know everyone says it will get better. I still wait for those days. Its just a tiny bit better, thanks to medicine, but I am still a mess. You will have good days and bad days, just remember you are not alone and we are here for you.  I still ask everyday, "Why did you leave me?" My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The emptiness is awful and the yearning for just one more touch, cup of morning coffee or kiss goodnite is undiscribable.

In the beginning I rationalized that this is not so different than when he was in the Army -in Germany - me being back here in the states. He would be in the field and I couldn't phone him, having to wait for his calls when he came back. So I'd play this mind game that told me ,'We had our love then;across the miles and this is kind of the same. No contact, but we haveeachother just the same.'

Well that worked for a few months. But there was no 'eventual' phone call or Hallmark Cardsin the mail.

My husband never made it to 62yrs 

For all he did for others, our neighbors our country in his service...itall seems so unfair and brutal. If I didn't have my 5 children ( all from a previous marriage), 10 grandchildren and 2 great grands I'd have nothing to live for I fear. But all of them are far away. So day to day it's just me and my dog Maya and guinea pig PiggyPoo - both Christmas gifts from him over the years. Right now I'm looking forward to my next visit to NJ and seeing all my family for a few months. Then it will be back here- the happiness of 'coming home' - then the emptiness again. I think maybe men are better at dealilng with this situation than women. But jsut the same I'd rather concider it a blessing my husband doesn't have to go though this.

D'Andrea, I just wrote that it's been one year today since Jim's funeral.  My kids were with me and I kept busy.  We were all at the cemetery until it started raining on Friday, the day he died.  I started reading your post and as Terri said, I just cried and cried.  My kids kept the week busy and fun and they helped me a lot.  But then they had to leave, except my youngest who lives in the same town.  But it's me and my dog now and I don't know what I would do without him.  I am very proud I made it through the first year.  I had some people who were not so nice to me during the first couple months after he died, then I decided to make a move which was also hard.  That and not the greatest health, but I'm still here.  I just feel that Jim would be proud of me for all I have accomplished and that I'm hanging in there.  I'm sure your husband would feel the same.  The people on this site are the best and I wish I could just sit down and have some good chats with them.  There's only one of my friends who really knows how I feel and she's the same age as my kids!  Even my few good friends who haven't experienced this still don't know what I've gone through, but they listen and try.  Others who I thought were friends don't even try to keep in touch now that I've moved.  I did for awhile, but one sided friendships are hard to carry on.  God bless you and everyone on this site.  A hug would be a wonderful thing right about now.
Believe it or not everyone, I feel its hard to know what to write here for us that have many more months and some even years under their belts. The anguish is still so difficult. Some have been able to move on and even find new loves which is wonderful but they still feel the heartache of the losses and are still here to help the rest of us when they can with their hugs and prayers. I have been hearing several of the newbies stating how difficult it is hearing "it will get better". I am hear to tell you IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. It gets MANAGABLE.. Please don't feel discouraged because you are hearing the 1, 2, 3 year time frames and the pain still involved. Each of us reacts differently.. The pain can still be there and is for many as you hear and I just mentioned, but we just have to learn to handle "one day at a time". Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't let your beloveds get lost in the "remarks" others who don't understand make. Some feel they must say something and don't always know exactly what so it can come out wrong. We get upset with the wrong thing said but then we get mad if they don't say something thinking they don't care too. Its okay to quietly answer them any which way you must because it does help for these others to understand how it hurts. I have found for me it has helped to tell my family that I must hear them share about my dear Bill because then I know he is remembered and still loved by them too (but for them not be be worried or bothered if it makes me cry, thats normal too). Feel free to write anything and everything. We will try to be here for you to answer your questions. Also feel free to share your pain, your hurt, your frustration. Its okay to scream, and holler if you must, we have been there I promise.. Do remember to take care of yourselves too. This is very important in this process. Hugs are important, hugs are good. Many hugs coming at you...
i feel the same way I lost my dear Jim on March 26th 2010.  I woke up in the morning tv on and he was dead on the floor.  Looked like a massive stroke according to the coroner.  I am still hurt, lonely, and just so lost without his affection and companionship.  I never thought I would have to endure a sadness like this.  Hang in there I pray to God to help me and he does although I have to endure the earthly pain he is in heaven he was a good man God is there with him.

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