No idea, what to write here

All I want is, to feel him touch my face again..

I don't know how long I can take the pain I feel without him here.

My husband passed on 1-23-2011 and I'm really alone begging for someone to hear my screams for someone to just hold me.

After 27 years with the love of my life I can't find who I Am

I woke up every day excited because I knew he would soon follow me outside for coffee.

He would always start the morning off with a joke.

He would end each night by touching my face and we never not kissed each other good night or good morning.

Even when mad at each other we would kiss, it might be a little peck, but we would still kiss.

I have now even lost control of my home, I have no one to cook for and no reason to do anything. It all seems pointless now. I've lost 20lbs since his death and still feel no reason to cook.

If only one person would just hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes.

Just be there, not one word needs to be said just the safty of someone holding you is what's missed the most.

Sleep, I'm so scared if I'm not up a little I won't hear if someone breaks in.

How do you stop the feeling of a pain you never heard about?

You know people die, You felt the lost of a parent or a sister or brother, even a friend but, I've never heard it put into words the feeling of this kind of pain.

And everyone telling you it get's better, really have no idea because they have not yet felt this kind of in your gut sick pain. I'm sorry for what you all have to go through.

But there is a few blessings I've gotten from this.

I know the man I love will never feel this

I'm so lucky to have had that really happy marriage and in love to the end.

I miss you my friend and will always love you, Your Wife

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Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on April 14, 2011 at 8:50pm

D'Andrea, I am sorry for your loss. You are not alone. I feel just like you do. My nights are a nightmare. It was at night when we went to bed that Frankie and I really connected. We would watch TV together and talk about our day and what the kids were up to and I would put my head in his lap and he would rub my hair. Each night he would say what do you want tonight a hair rub or back scratch. This is what I miss the most of all. I cry myself to sleep most nights and my body aches for him so badly just to feel his arms around me. He was always hugging me, when I did the dishes at night he would come and put his arms around my waist as I washed. Its the little things that break my heart. I know we have to be grateful for the happy marriages we had. People go through their whole lives and never know the love and happiness we had. I dont know much of anything in my life now but the one thing I know 110% is that when we die our husbands will be right there waiting for us. I tell everyone if Frankie has to knock people down to get to me he will. I know that for sure and that is the only thing that gets me through another day. I know I cant be with him now that I have to take care of our kids but I know someday we will be together. He used to tell me we were going to be the old couple people smile at, that was not to be. If I can do anything for you please let me know. Hang in there. Love Renee

Permalink Reply by Renee Semo on April 14, 2011 at 9:00pm

Ismael, I am so very sorry for your loss. Valentines day will never be the same for you I know. Take some comfort in knowing that you made her happy on her last day and that is what she took to heaven with her, your love . Try to go back to your home, that is where she lived and where she loved you and your sons. It will probably be a comfort to you and your children to be home. My husbands things are here just where he left them. My kids wont let me get rid of anything (the candy he sucked on because the chemo made his mouth dry is still sitting on his bureau). I know one day we will have to do that but were not ready. If there is anything I can do to help you please let me know. Hang in there....I take things a minute at a time, just moment to moment. I am a robot and do what I have to do and go through the motions. I dont know why this has happened to us and why our children have to grow up without a parent and all I can say is it really stinks. I send my hugs to you and hope for better days for you. Love Renee

ismael ruiz said:

Hi..I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 2/14/11 of a sudden death...didn't get to say goodbye. She died at 36 ...we been together since high school and have two awesome kids. Stay strong dear friend. I have abandoned our home and gave not stayed there since 2/14. But I will return...one day at a time. I don't plan on the pain to ever fade but I do hope to be able to cope and to move forward since that is what all our spouses would want. I too lost 20 pounds but am starting to eat again...funny...everything I order to eat now has to have a side item of what she would eat...little things like that make me smile....

Permalink Reply by D'Andrea Prater on April 14, 2011 at 11:30pm

http://youtu.be/bkruUEHnkzA

This is a video of My husbands Club Brother's showing him reapect and taking him for his last ride

Permalink Reply by Virginia on April 15, 2011 at 5:04am

Kathy, you are so right as I've said before it is hard sometime to know what to write.You are also right about finding new love. As we both are comming up on the 2 yr. ann. of our spouses passing the heartache for our loss is still there, we are so fourtunite to have each other to lean on for support and comfort and understanding. Hugs

Kathy King said:

Believe it or not everyone, I feel its hard to know what to write here for us that have many more months and some even years under their belts. The anguish is still so difficult. Some have been able to move on and even find new loves which is wonderful but they still feel the heartache of the losses and are still here to help the rest of us when they can with their hugs and prayers. I have been hearing several of the newbies stating how difficult it is hearing "it will get better". I am hear to tell you IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. It gets MANAGABLE.. Please don't feel discouraged because you are hearing the 1, 2, 3 year time frames and the pain still involved. Each of us reacts differently.. The pain can still be there and is for many as you hear and I just mentioned, but we just have to learn to handle "one day at a time". Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't let your beloveds get lost in the "remarks" others who don't understand make. Some feel they must say something and don't always know exactly what so it can come out wrong. We get upset with the wrong thing said but then we get mad if they don't say something thinking they don't care too. Its okay to quietly answer them any which way you must because it does help for these others to understand how it hurts. I have found for me it has helped to tell my family that I must hear them share about my dear Bill because then I know he is remembered and still loved by them too (but for them not be be worried or bothered if it makes me cry, thats normal too). Feel free to write anything and everything. We will try to be here for you to answer your questions. Also feel free to share your pain, your hurt, your frustration. Its okay to scream, and holler if you must, we have been there I promise.. Do remember to take care of yourselves too. This is very important in this process. Hugs are important, hugs are good. Many hugs coming at you...

Permalink Reply by Terri Carter on April 15, 2011 at 7:56am

I think part of what makes it harder, rather than easier, as time goes on (and it has only been 3 months since I lost my husband) is that there is still such an air of denial -- or perhaps it is shock -- that I guess helps sustain you in the beginning, before you would be able to handle losing the other half of yourself (your loved one/spouse). As that shock wears off and denial begins to subside to make way for reality, the pain seeps in even deeper.

I keep shuffling papers around and finding I don't even understand what I am reading when I do open the mail, praying I find where I put the bills and pay them on time - knowing I cannot afford my mortgage now that my husband's pension is gone and the survivorship barely covers my health insurance...needing to meet with a credit counselor but finding it hard to get all the paperwork they want together so they can help ... not to mention figuring out how to fill out the mortgage modificatin papers. I start to do things and just get so overwhelmed. I just want to turn and find my husband still there, reaching out to hold my hand, which is all it ever took for me to face my tasks with competence instead of this new haze that has taken over me.

I, too, find solace, though, in knowing he will never know the pain of losing me. He loved me as much as I love him and I know he would have suffered just as much. We always wished that our end would come at the same time, together.

And I, too, find myself fearful of home invaders in the night - often opting to keep the tv on all night in the hopes of discouraging anyone from nearing the property. Sometimes it seems sensible and other times irrational. Waking in the night from a nightmare is something I fear happening now, too, since my Bill is not there to hold and comfort me.

If only I could just hold him and talk to him once more......

Permalink Reply by Linda Elbon on April 16, 2011 at 3:02pm

Oh I know how you feel. I lost my husband of 33 years on Valentines Day in 2006. He had been ill for a while and even though I am now remarried,I am still having a hard time letting go. Our marriage wasn't the greatest but we had each other and I did my best to take care of him and to love him.I didn't want to eat,sleep or go out anywhere and was so hard to go to work and have to hear everyone say how sorry they were. I cried everytime I had to tell someone what happened to him. Still tear up to this day talking about it. One day out of the blue I was checking on my classmates site from school and saw a name of a guy I had gone to school with. I just sent him an email to say hi and never even expected him to write back. But he did and for the first time there was someone I could tell my feelings too and let him know just what a hard time I was having. He was there for me to hear me cry and pour out my heart to.One day I was all alone and he left his computer on all night playing me music so I could go to sleep. From that day on my life changed for the better. We fell in love and got married in 2008. But that still hasn't stopped me from having my bad days. I still see my first husband when I close my eyes. He is on his deathbed looking at me with those sad eyes. I told him I would be ok if he needed to go but I wasn't ok and I feel I lied telling him I was ok. The pain is horrible and some days I don't want to get out of bed. My husband holds me while I cry and that helps more than he will ever know. It takes time but how much time? Everyone thinks I am ok because I don't let anyone but my husband know just how hard this has been for me. So please take the time to grieve and one day it will get easier for you. I hope that you will find someone to share your life when it is time that is as loving and understanding as my husband is.