Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Victoria (Vicky) Owensby on October 3, 2010 at 1:15am

I'm so sorry for your suffering and all of us. It doesn't seem fair. I find myself asking, "Why me? What did I do so bad to deserve this kind of sorrow." My husband Martin are I were like one. Now it's like we are both gone but my shell is still alive. This site helps. At least the people here know.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 3, 2010 at 7:13am

Doug I'm so sorry for your loss, your so new to this and the pain is unbearable. You might not ever get the answers you want on why but, your star is not gone she is one of many with all of our stars and she has joined the wonderfull navagation team of our spouses and, they are our compass into this new life and will navagate us in the right direction when we can see no light they will shine bright and lead us in the right direction. stay here we can get thru this together, hugs

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 3, 2010 at 8:21am

Doug, am so sorry for your loss. Its been 17 months since my wife of 44 years died suddenly. Of all things, she was my pal.I have never gotten over it and I have hardened.I was never angry or mad.I was and am very disappointed.I know what you mean though. But I was reminded(through this site) that through us still being here, our spouse will always live on and be remembered and known. Sure, you want the world to know and be reminded of the person. And they will, through you. You are their legacy and their continuence. It sucks bigtime being alone and having your world change forever.We all share,care and understand.Here is something on a plaque that is nice; "thank you God, for allowing us this time together". Hang in their.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on October 3, 2010 at 12:36pm

Doug,
I lost my husband Don, five months ago. I know what you are saying when you say, " The rest of the world should mourn her just as I do and the fact they don't just ticks me off." In response, I think they do mourn her, but not to the degree that you do, because you are her soulmate, you were her husband, she was your life. They have a life, and they can go on. You were stopped in your tracks from living the life you knew. No one understands the depth of grief unless they have lost a spouse. Your spouse and your daily life together is what you knew, and what you lived. We now have to start over, and learn to live without them. Hard? You bet. Impossbile? It feels that way sometimes. But it does get better. You will go through all the stages of grief at your own pace, and one day, you will find some joy again. Granted, it will never be the same, but it can be a good life.
Every death creates a special pain unique to each of us survivors. Yet death that comes without warning can leave an especially terrible grief. I am sure you feel numbness and shock, I did. It may not seem possible at the moment, but you will work through your grief-moving beyond the trauma of the loss of your wife and while still preserving the bond between you. Give yourself time to grieve.....I am better today than I was a couple of months ago. As agonizing as life's journey is right now without the brightest star in your life, the path to adjustment will slowly become a kinder walk. Take comfort in knowing that the pain of your loss would not be so intense if your love had not been so strong. Someday you will be able to replaced the thoughts of loss with memories of love, and find comfort...
Hugs and God Bless you,
Nancy

Permalink Reply by Jerry on October 4, 2010 at 9:14am

Hi Doug, we who have lost a spouse we loved know how you feel. As far as why this happens to us,I really dont have an answer. I do believe that things, good and bad happen for a reason,Gods plan. I read your post about searching for the wedding photo and can relate to that. My wife Karen was always looking for things I couldnt find,it was sort of a joke between us. I have not went to any grief support meetings,probably should. But this site has helped me . Stay with it,regards,Jerry.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on October 4, 2010 at 9:14am

Hi Doug, we who have lost a spouse we loved know how you feel. As far as why this happens to us,I really dont have an answer. I do believe that things, good and bad happen for a reason,Gods plan. I read your post about searching for the wedding photo and can relate to that. My wife Karen was always looking for things I couldnt find,it was sort of a joke between us. I have not went to any grief support meetings,probably should. But this site has helped me . Stay with it,regards,Jerry.

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on October 4, 2010 at 9:35am

Greetings, Doug,

I am so very sorry for your devastating loss - the brightness, the reason for getting up, the reason for coming home - your beautiful wife.

This portion of Ecclesiastes 12:5 has stuck with me: 'For man goes to his eternal home while mourners go about in the streets' - There is often an initial surge of support - friends, family, others coming around to express sympathy. But it quickly fades, as they return to their lives, their familes, their loves - and you are left alone, with the long moments of life, the long silences, the empty rooms and bed.

I had eight (8) days Bereavement Time from work (during which I _still_ answered emails and responded to users (I am a database administrator). I got the cards, I got a few phone calls, and I had a Memorial Dinner for friends, family and colleagues (my husband was a Psy.D., a clinical psychologist, and he died 29 June 2009) - and after that dinner - it was like a pavement swept of leaves - nothing, no one.

My sister and my husband's brother would occasionally call; a couple that run the prison ministry I'm a part of invited me to dinner at least once a week, and made themselves available to me, and I did get a year of Bereavement Counseling from the hospice that took care of my husband before he died.

I would force myself to go out for walks - and every couple was like a dagger to the heart, every TV show or movie with a happy, smiling family was like a Beretta to the head - how DARE these people laugh and sing and have fun - MY HUSBAND WAS DEAD! It was only after I started to say a little blessing over every couple I saw, that the bitterness, anger and jealousy abated.

It has been 15 months since my sweetie died (also known as The Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluetus Maximus), and I miss him just as much as ever, I am alone, and everyone expects that I just go on like before (working 90+ hour weeks moving a data center just pushes the pain away, temporarily)

Most people squirm if I mention him, and that's hard - but I have and always will love him, just as you will always love your beloved.

Peace, healing, grace and comfort be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Dena on October 4, 2010 at 9:51am

Hi Doug, my name is Dena, I just wanted to say that my heart and prayers are with you. I lost the love of my life when I was 20 yes I know that's young, I knew him for 6 yrs he was my rock, supporter, my friend no matter what was going on he was always there for my honestly through thick and thin, then one day I get a call saying he was hit by 5 cars, and died on the way to the hospital. Everyone kept saying it's better that he went he wouldn't be the same person I knew, which I understood. The emotions that went through me I still can't explain nor put into words to this day. I have tried to explain to my sister but she has never lost anyone so close to her [not family related] People who I thought were my friends were telling me at his wake not to worry, it will get easier as time goes on. I need to go on with my life not to worry. And yet there were other people saying how much he loved me take as long as you need to mourn, I kept thinking to myself who are these people telling me how I should feel and how I should go on and yet they have no idea what I was going through. Needless to say those people are no longer in my life, because I realized no one understands the pain I was feeling. So what I am saying to you is in all honesty with myself it has not gotten easier, things you might have forgotten will resurface. When you are ready to go on you will know. When she is ready to let you go you will know. I'm not trying to be cruel or harsh, just honest. The one thing that I have learned is no one can tell me how I should feel, no one can tell me my emotions are wrong, no one can tell me that these emotions are fake, and that they don't exist, no one can tell me that the pain will end. no one can tell me that I can't feel this lost, and no one should tell me or you when we should go on with our lifes. I definitely look at life differently I'm afraid that if I get to close to someone ... one day they'll be gone which is true we are all destine to go. It's been 11 yrs since he's passed away and yet I still cry, I still think of things that we use to do, use to say to each other, that I had forgotten, and yet I think to myself of the people that were at his wake 11 yrs ago who said it gets easier. When because in these last 11 yrs all I've done is remember the memories of us when we where one. It never got easier for me. My memories have become my nightmares. I hope this has helped a little, everything I have said in this I was being only honest and open. If you ever need to talk or someone to listen please contact me. My prayers are with you :)

Permalink Reply by Dena on October 4, 2010 at 9:51am

Hi Doug, my name is Dena, I just wanted to say that my heart and prayers are with you. I lost the love of my life when I was 20 yes I know that's young, I knew him for 6 yrs he was my rock, supporter, my friend no matter what was going on he was always there for my honestly through thick and thin, then one day I get a call saying he was hit by 5 cars, and died on the way to the hospital. Everyone kept saying it's better that he went he wouldn't be the same person I knew, which I understood. The emotions that went through me I still can't explain nor put into words to this day. I have tried to explain to my sister but she has never lost anyone so close to her [not family related] People who I thought were my friends were telling me at his wake not to worry, it will get easier as time goes on. I need to go on with my life not to worry. And yet there were other people saying how much he loved me take as long as you need to mourn, I kept thinking to myself who are these people telling me how I should feel and how I should go on and yet they have no idea what I was going through. Needless to say those people are no longer in my life, because I realized no one understands the pain I was feeling. So what I am saying to you is in all honesty with myself it has not gotten easier, things you might have forgotten will resurface. When you are ready to go on you will know. When she is ready to let you go you will know. I'm not trying to be cruel or harsh, just honest. The one thing that I have learned is no one can tell me how I should feel, no one can tell me my emotions are wrong, no one can tell me that these emotions are fake, and that they don't exist, no one can tell me that the pain will end. no one can tell me that I can't feel this lost, and no one should tell me or you when we should go on with our lifes. I definitely look at life differently I'm afraid that if I get to close to someone ... one day they'll be gone which is true we are all destine to go. It's been 11 yrs since he's passed away and yet I still cry, I still think of things that we use to do, use to say to each other, that I had forgotten, and yet I think to myself of the people that were at his wake 11 yrs ago who said it gets easier. When because in these last 11 yrs all I've done is remember the memories of us when we where one. It never got easier for me. My memories have become my nightmares. I hope this has helped a little, everything I have said in this I was being only honest and open. If you ever need to talk or someone to listen please contact me. My prayers are with you :)

Permalink Reply by Connie on October 4, 2010 at 12:34pm

Doug, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 11 months ago. My heart is broken. Half of me is missing. I am lonely. I am angry. I am angry with God and my husband for leaving me alone. There is nothing that can replace him and the love we had for each other. I get angry when I see another couple around our age walking together hand in hand. Why can't I be with my husband walking hand in hand. But no one really cares how I feel. It is my loss. I have to learn to cope with life without him. Life really stinks but that is the cards we were dealt. I wish I could tell you it would get easier for you but I can't because it has only gotten more difficult for me. After a while, reality sets in and you find it so hard to accept. Somehow, someway you will go on. We all do. People will say stupid things and that will anger you but you just have to realize that they don't know what you are feeling because they are not living what you are. I hope you will find help on this site because I sure have. I have met some of the very nicest people here and they do understand my feelings because they are experiencing the very same thing. Good Luck to you Doug. I will remember you and your wife in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on October 4, 2010 at 8:04pm

Hi Doug,
I lost my love and best friend in a matter of hours after a lifetime of loving him. I have my times of being mad because you just want everyone to just stop and mourn with you. But they didn't have the joy and pleasure of having spent those intimate and incredible moments with our loves so they have no concept of what kind of pain this is. It is different for them they miss the friend and that will never compare to being without that one person who made your life feel wonderful no matter how bad things were. Don't be mad at them feel sad for them because they will never know the love in their hearts like you know in yours. What they are missing!!!. Peace my friend.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on October 4, 2010 at 10:13pm

DEAR DOUG, I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR WIFE. I LOST MY HUSBAND AND BEST FRIEND , MY BETTER HALF, IN FEB. 2010. IT HAS NOW BEEN A LITTLE OVER 7 MONTHS AND I STILL FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE. I WAS LIKE YOU AND COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHY THE REST OF THE WORLD JUST CONTINUED TO GO ON WHEN MY WORLD HAD BEEN DESTROYED. I HAVE ALOT OF UNANSWERED QUESTIONS, WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? WHY COULDNT IT HAVE BEEN ME INSTEAD OF HIM. BUT I WILL PROBABLY NEVER GET MY ANSWERS. I HAVE JOINED A GRIEF SHARE GROUP AT A LOCAL CHURCH, I HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED IN A BIBLE STUDY AND I HAVE BEEN VISITING TWO DIFFERENT CHURCHES ON SUNDAY. I KNOW THAT GOD WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR FOR ME EVEN IF I AM ANGY ABOUT MY SITUATION. I ALSO KNOW THAT GOD IS REALLY THE ONLY ONE LEFT FOR ME TO TURN TO NOW THAT I HAVE LOST MY HUSBAND.I FEEL YOUR PAIN DOUG AND I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS. THIS SITE WILL BE VERY HELPFUL TO YOU.